Like I said in one of my comments - I woke up Sunday morning empty. I think it was because all the adrenaline from my friend's Bachelorette party was over. I didn't have to wear my happy face, put my best foot forward, and act like I wasn't jealous anymore. I woke up with no hope left in me.
I've been waiting for someone to love me probably since 5th grade. I've been waiting year after year only to always come up crushed and disappointed. Despite it all, I always had at least a little bit of hope that one day some guy would come along. That someday it would be my turn to experience the wonder and joy that every other human being gets to enjoy.
But no more, I finally accept that there is no one for me. I finally accepted that not one guy would be willing to touch me. Finally accepted that if I was the last female standing - guys would still not take me. I get it. I accept it. I'm ugly and defective. I have no value.
What I want to know now is, if that is the case, then what is my point? What is my purpose? Do I even have one? Probably not. I doubt I'll live very long in this world because I'll be damned if I'll spend the next 80 years on this earth alone.
Once, a man told me, one day I'll look back on these thoughts and laugh that I every\ thought this way. That same guy slept with me (after he said he wanted to be exclusive with me) and then dumped me by email the very next morning. Nuff Said.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Bachelorette Party
Well, up at 5:00 and I ended up leaving home around 8 in the morning and didn't get back home until 5:00 in the morning so I was up for a good 24 hours. I think my friend really enjoyed herself. Things didn't go quite as I thought they would and I would have done things differently if it had been my party but it wasn't and all that mattered was that the Bride to Be had fun.
I ended up spending way more money than I thought I would too. =( But then, I thought, since I'll never have my own Bachelorette Party, it is okay to spurge a little.
Sunday I woke with a headache, not because I was hung over (I was the DDer), but because my body just doesn't like it when I deviate from my normal schedule too much. I didn't get much done. I did go and buy one of the new Girl Scout bags that HEB is selling. Most of the money goes to the Girl Scouts. Today is a fund raiser bake sale at work for Walk MS and so I needed to bake Mardi Gras cookies. I baked them and got them glazed on Sunday.
Monday, no work for President's Day. I still had a bit of a headache, which is odd because normally they only last a day. I finished decorating the cookies in the morning to give them time to dry and then packaged them all nice in the afternoon.
I also went out and got my car washed and picked up all the things I needed to frame my friend's wedding invitation. I'm going to give them that framed plus some cash for their wedding present. I got it all done and packed, so now all I need to do is mail it off. Almost done with spending money and stuff on this wedding. phew
This week and next week are still going to be busy. I gained two pounds from my friend's bachelorette party even thought I wasn't too too bad. Just a little bad. So, I haven't weighed myself since Sunday morning. I think I'm not going to weigh myself until next week. I'm too scared too. And, in case you are wondering, I didn't get any takers on my offer to have one night stand sex with any guy who was up for it. =(
I ended up spending way more money than I thought I would too. =( But then, I thought, since I'll never have my own Bachelorette Party, it is okay to spurge a little.
Sunday I woke with a headache, not because I was hung over (I was the DDer), but because my body just doesn't like it when I deviate from my normal schedule too much. I didn't get much done. I did go and buy one of the new Girl Scout bags that HEB is selling. Most of the money goes to the Girl Scouts. Today is a fund raiser bake sale at work for Walk MS and so I needed to bake Mardi Gras cookies. I baked them and got them glazed on Sunday.
Monday, no work for President's Day. I still had a bit of a headache, which is odd because normally they only last a day. I finished decorating the cookies in the morning to give them time to dry and then packaged them all nice in the afternoon.
I also went out and got my car washed and picked up all the things I needed to frame my friend's wedding invitation. I'm going to give them that framed plus some cash for their wedding present. I got it all done and packed, so now all I need to do is mail it off. Almost done with spending money and stuff on this wedding. phew
This week and next week are still going to be busy. I gained two pounds from my friend's bachelorette party even thought I wasn't too too bad. Just a little bad. So, I haven't weighed myself since Sunday morning. I think I'm not going to weigh myself until next week. I'm too scared too. And, in case you are wondering, I didn't get any takers on my offer to have one night stand sex with any guy who was up for it. =(
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
To a Bachlorette Party I Go!
I started my period yesterday. I woke up at 3 in the morning from cramps. I usually suffer from cramps the first or second day of my period and then after that, everything is fine. But, wow, today they are just terrible. I guess I'm going to have to grin and bare it but my stomach sure doesn't feel too hot at all.
Thursday I kept going back and forth on balloons for the Bachlorette Party. Did I really want to drive all the way to another city with balloons in the car? Balloons won out in the end because I know I like balloons and would want some at my Bachlorette Party, so balloons there shall be for my friend's.
I started out at Party City looking for zebra print balloons. They didn't have any, so I decided to get balloons at the Dollar Tree because it would be cheaper. So, in the rain, during rush hour, I drove over to the Dollar Tree just to find out that they were out of helium. So, back to Party City with me. I ended up getting 2 pink balloons and 2 black balloons. Then they started to run out of helium and didn't have black string to tie the balloons. Geez, it was an ordeal but I got them. And they look purty.
So now I just have to get everything packed in the car without it getting too wet (it is raining out) and then head up for party time. Here's hoping the Bride to Bee has a wonderful day.
Thursday I kept going back and forth on balloons for the Bachlorette Party. Did I really want to drive all the way to another city with balloons in the car? Balloons won out in the end because I know I like balloons and would want some at my Bachlorette Party, so balloons there shall be for my friend's.
I started out at Party City looking for zebra print balloons. They didn't have any, so I decided to get balloons at the Dollar Tree because it would be cheaper. So, in the rain, during rush hour, I drove over to the Dollar Tree just to find out that they were out of helium. So, back to Party City with me. I ended up getting 2 pink balloons and 2 black balloons. Then they started to run out of helium and didn't have black string to tie the balloons. Geez, it was an ordeal but I got them. And they look purty.
So now I just have to get everything packed in the car without it getting too wet (it is raining out) and then head up for party time. Here's hoping the Bride to Bee has a wonderful day.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Why Do I Even Try to Look Good When I Never Will?
As usual for this week, I didn't get everything done last night that I hoped too. Pro Tip: Don't try to plan a Bachlorette Party in one week. But the XXX cookies are done and packed. They turned out awesome. And now the laundry and apartment is clean. I need to make a list of all that still needs to be done.
-Grocery Shopping
-Finish packing an overnight bag in case I stay over night
-Buy Balloons
-Shower,shave,groom so I can look sexy for the partah
-Reply to some comments on this blog
-Exercise
-Cash! Make sure I have cash.
It was getting late last night and I was dang tired. I just wanted to fall into bed but I stayed up because I had to wash my hair, scrub my face and do all the other nightly things I do to try to make myself look as good as I can.
But then I started to wonder, why do I even bother? Lord knows I probably spend at least 100 dollars a month just in beauty supplies and grooming. But, apparently it doesn't do a lick of good. I'm still ugly, as evidence by the fact that not a single man in the world wants me - little alone will fuck me. And, I sure as heck don't have to look at me all day so who cares if I look bad, I mean I do already, I'll just look a little more bad. The difference between a HB 4 and 2 isn't that much.
I think I'm going to try a new experiment with my online dating profiles. I haven't gotten any messages from guys in over a month so there is no point even trying to hope something will happen through online dating. So, I'm going to change my profile to say I'm just looking to be fucked. Going to see if I get any takers. Of course, I have no intention of having a one night stand, but I suspect very strongly I won't have any takers anyways.
-Grocery Shopping
-Finish packing an overnight bag in case I stay over night
-Buy Balloons
-Shower,shave,groom so I can look sexy for the partah
-Reply to some comments on this blog
-Exercise
-Cash! Make sure I have cash.
It was getting late last night and I was dang tired. I just wanted to fall into bed but I stayed up because I had to wash my hair, scrub my face and do all the other nightly things I do to try to make myself look as good as I can.
But then I started to wonder, why do I even bother? Lord knows I probably spend at least 100 dollars a month just in beauty supplies and grooming. But, apparently it doesn't do a lick of good. I'm still ugly, as evidence by the fact that not a single man in the world wants me - little alone will fuck me. And, I sure as heck don't have to look at me all day so who cares if I look bad, I mean I do already, I'll just look a little more bad. The difference between a HB 4 and 2 isn't that much.
I think I'm going to try a new experiment with my online dating profiles. I haven't gotten any messages from guys in over a month so there is no point even trying to hope something will happen through online dating. So, I'm going to change my profile to say I'm just looking to be fucked. Going to see if I get any takers. Of course, I have no intention of having a one night stand, but I suspect very strongly I won't have any takers anyways.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The Buckle and Gap
I didn't get nearly as much done last night as I wanted or hoped. My co-worker and friend from work was having a bad day. She needed new jeans because all hers are too big and wanted to know if I wanted to go out shopping with her. Unfortunately, I have so much to do I said I couldn't. However, I could tell she was really in a bad mood so finally I reneged and said "let's go." I was hoping a shopping trip with a friend would help her feel a little better.
First stop was the Buckle. First time in there and it is one of those little mall shops that I would never go into because they would never have anything to fit me. My friend did talk me into trying on a pair of the biggest size we found, a 34 Buckle size, but I couldn't even get them past me knees. The sales lady saw me trying on jeans and ran back to somewhere in the dusky recesses of the store and pulled out a 36 and 38 in two styles she thought I would wear. Surprise surprise, they actually fit - kind of. The did look nice but didn't fix the best. I didn't get a pair because I'm not at a benchmark weight yet. You can't just "reward" yourself when you haven't earned it.
After that we happened to pass a Gap and I wanted to go in to see if I could wear any of their jeans. The last time I wore a pair of Gap jeans, I was in 7th grade. I remember because they were the biggest size they had but I was just excited I could wear and was getting a pair of name brand Gap jeans. It turns out the biggest size they is a 16 and I just barely could squeeze into them. They were so small they didn't look good.
On the one hand, I'm saddened that I can still not really wear those clothes, on the other, I can get into them which is a good thing. I mean, the last time I could squeeze into a pair of Gap jeans was 7th grade!
I didn't get home until 8. I was hoping to get home around 6 or 7. My other friend, the one getting married, called while I was out because she got her Bachlorette Party invite, was excited, and wanted to talk. I called her back on my way home and she just wanted to talk and talk. It isn't that I didn't want to, it was just that I had so much to do. But, I wasn't going to tell her that.
So I ended up throwing a TV dinner in the microwave and trying to decorate the cookies while talking to her on the speaker phone. She didn't hang up until close to 9. By then I was starving and grabbed my food to eat, which was cold, and then really got down to the business of cookie decorating.
I didn't get the cookies done and the kitchen clean until almost midnight. I didn't get any cleaning around the apartment done, like I hoped.
So, after work today I have to clean the apartment, do laundry, buy a box for the cookies, and package them up.
First stop was the Buckle. First time in there and it is one of those little mall shops that I would never go into because they would never have anything to fit me. My friend did talk me into trying on a pair of the biggest size we found, a 34 Buckle size, but I couldn't even get them past me knees. The sales lady saw me trying on jeans and ran back to somewhere in the dusky recesses of the store and pulled out a 36 and 38 in two styles she thought I would wear. Surprise surprise, they actually fit - kind of. The did look nice but didn't fix the best. I didn't get a pair because I'm not at a benchmark weight yet. You can't just "reward" yourself when you haven't earned it.
After that we happened to pass a Gap and I wanted to go in to see if I could wear any of their jeans. The last time I wore a pair of Gap jeans, I was in 7th grade. I remember because they were the biggest size they had but I was just excited I could wear and was getting a pair of name brand Gap jeans. It turns out the biggest size they is a 16 and I just barely could squeeze into them. They were so small they didn't look good.
On the one hand, I'm saddened that I can still not really wear those clothes, on the other, I can get into them which is a good thing. I mean, the last time I could squeeze into a pair of Gap jeans was 7th grade!
I didn't get home until 8. I was hoping to get home around 6 or 7. My other friend, the one getting married, called while I was out because she got her Bachlorette Party invite, was excited, and wanted to talk. I called her back on my way home and she just wanted to talk and talk. It isn't that I didn't want to, it was just that I had so much to do. But, I wasn't going to tell her that.
So I ended up throwing a TV dinner in the microwave and trying to decorate the cookies while talking to her on the speaker phone. She didn't hang up until close to 9. By then I was starving and grabbed my food to eat, which was cold, and then really got down to the business of cookie decorating.
I didn't get the cookies done and the kitchen clean until almost midnight. I didn't get any cleaning around the apartment done, like I hoped.
So, after work today I have to clean the apartment, do laundry, buy a box for the cookies, and package them up.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The Day After
Do you know, I started and ended Valentine's Day with people telling me Happy Valentine's Day. From the moment I walked into the office, my co-workers were talking about V-Day and wishing everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. Ugh... you know some of use are single here. If you really want to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day, hook me up with a guy!
To the cashier at the grocery wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day to the message I listened to on my phone from my mom wishing me Happy Valentine's Day. Please people, stop with it already. I know you are in luuv and twitterpated (5 points if you know which movie that is from!) but please, keep it to your self. Stop rubbing salt into my wounds.
I ended up at the grocery store to finish buying the stuff for my friend's Lemon Drop Kit. And, I ended up buying some chocolate syrup to put into her gift as well - I couldn't resist >P And I picked up a few things I needed to decorate the cookies for her party.
I don't know if you have ever been to a grocery store on Valentine's Day, but it is pretty funny because you see all these guys going in and coming out with flowers and a card. *shakes head*
So, I got her presents all wrapped up and stage two of the cookies done. Tonight I'll be working on stage 3 and cleaning the apartment since I won't have time this weekend to do it.
To the cashier at the grocery wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day to the message I listened to on my phone from my mom wishing me Happy Valentine's Day. Please people, stop with it already. I know you are in luuv and twitterpated (5 points if you know which movie that is from!) but please, keep it to your self. Stop rubbing salt into my wounds.
I ended up at the grocery store to finish buying the stuff for my friend's Lemon Drop Kit. And, I ended up buying some chocolate syrup to put into her gift as well - I couldn't resist >P And I picked up a few things I needed to decorate the cookies for her party.
I don't know if you have ever been to a grocery store on Valentine's Day, but it is pretty funny because you see all these guys going in and coming out with flowers and a card. *shakes head*
So, I got her presents all wrapped up and stage two of the cookies done. Tonight I'll be working on stage 3 and cleaning the apartment since I won't have time this weekend to do it.
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