I totally forgot about my Merino Wool socks. I went to 3 different Academy's looking for these socks which have apparently sold out. I found them, ironically, because I misplaced them in a store a month ago. Before Christmas, I was looking to get some hiking socks. I picked up the Merino Wool socks and almost purchased them but then saw some hiking socks I wanted instead. I put the Merino Wools socks down in the wrong location of socks thinking that a stock person would put them back in the correct place. Turns out, a month later, no one returned them to the proper place. Which meant that the pair of socks I wanted didn't get purchased and were left for me to buy instead. A pretty cool story.
I didn't make 150 by the end of the year, like I had hoped, but I did weigh in at my lowest yet, this morning, at 153.8. I'll take it!
As we ring in the new year, there are two quotes I want to live by:
"When was the last time you rose, victorious, like a phoenix from the ashes?
Anyone can be burned, crushed, consumed. But not everyone chooses to rise. Grace is the air that turns our cinders to ashes and our ashes to wings. Rise. Then rise again."
and
"Be the Change You Seek."
I read my horoscope for the year on yahoo. I couldn't believe how eerily it mirrored my feeling and hopes for 2013. A lot of change in my life, for the better, good romance (in June no less!). We will see... we will see...
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Ski Bunny
I get 176 hours of vacation time at work. That is not including federal holidays I get off or the 6 days that carried over from 2012 that I didn't use. I don't get paid a lot or get a lot of benefits, but lots of vacation is one. My carry over vacation goes away at the end of March if I don't use it. And I don't want to lose it.
I have plans to go to Canada and Ireland this year. So, I decided to go to Canada before March, probably in March. That means snow, cold, and winter. It's quite intimidating for a southern girl who faints when it gets close to 45 degrees. But I figure if I'm going to visit Canada in the winter, I should do something you can only do in the winter, in Canada.
And that is when I spied it - Hotel de Grace, an ice hotel. I admit, ever since I heard of the concept of an ice hotel 6 odd years ago, I've been enamored with the idea. I wanted to spend the night in one and it just so happens that outside of Quebec City is the one and only ice hotel in North America. Ding, I had a winner. And since it is located at Quebec City, I had my location in Canada for my trip.
Now, I'm still planning it out. I'd like to stay a night at Hotel de Grace and Fairmont Le Chateau Frontenac. I'd also like to make my way over to Montreal to see the Notre-Dame Basilica. Tomorrow I'll do more research into what I'd like to see.
Anyways, the cold made me think that I need the appropriate clothing, which I completely lack. Which prompted me to make a trip to Academy sports and outdoors. They have winter and ski clothing right now, on clearance and they are getting ready to clear it all out. If I waited, I know I would have a heck of a time getting any ski clothing. I did do a price check online and Academy won for cheapest hands down. I just hope the stuff isn't too too big 3 months from now.
I am, however, happy that I have lost as much weight as I have because otherwise, I doubt I would have been able to wear any of it. As it stands now, it's a little iffy on the sizing.
I got a woman's XL pink ski pants. There was a L in another brand that fit the same. And, I'm pretty sure I could have gotten away with a men's M which would have only been too big in the waist.
I got a matching pink and gray ski jacket L.
And a gray fleece jacket that can line it. Men's S. They didn't have a women's in the color or size I wanted. I wanted gray so men's it was.
I got boy's size 6 black snow boots.
Pink size small shirt and pants long underwear.
Total about $175 dollars.
If I decide not to go to Canada, I can always return the ski stuff.
I have plans to go to Canada and Ireland this year. So, I decided to go to Canada before March, probably in March. That means snow, cold, and winter. It's quite intimidating for a southern girl who faints when it gets close to 45 degrees. But I figure if I'm going to visit Canada in the winter, I should do something you can only do in the winter, in Canada.
And that is when I spied it - Hotel de Grace, an ice hotel. I admit, ever since I heard of the concept of an ice hotel 6 odd years ago, I've been enamored with the idea. I wanted to spend the night in one and it just so happens that outside of Quebec City is the one and only ice hotel in North America. Ding, I had a winner. And since it is located at Quebec City, I had my location in Canada for my trip.
Now, I'm still planning it out. I'd like to stay a night at Hotel de Grace and Fairmont Le Chateau Frontenac. I'd also like to make my way over to Montreal to see the Notre-Dame Basilica. Tomorrow I'll do more research into what I'd like to see.
Anyways, the cold made me think that I need the appropriate clothing, which I completely lack. Which prompted me to make a trip to Academy sports and outdoors. They have winter and ski clothing right now, on clearance and they are getting ready to clear it all out. If I waited, I know I would have a heck of a time getting any ski clothing. I did do a price check online and Academy won for cheapest hands down. I just hope the stuff isn't too too big 3 months from now.
I am, however, happy that I have lost as much weight as I have because otherwise, I doubt I would have been able to wear any of it. As it stands now, it's a little iffy on the sizing.
I got a woman's XL pink ski pants. There was a L in another brand that fit the same. And, I'm pretty sure I could have gotten away with a men's M which would have only been too big in the waist.
I got a matching pink and gray ski jacket L.
And a gray fleece jacket that can line it. Men's S. They didn't have a women's in the color or size I wanted. I wanted gray so men's it was.
I got boy's size 6 black snow boots.
Pink size small shirt and pants long underwear.
Total about $175 dollars.
If I decide not to go to Canada, I can always return the ski stuff.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Still Not Doing Good
I went to bed last night at 5:30. I was partly tired because I hadn't gotten a good night's rest the previous night but mainly I was depressed and lonely. I slept a tad better than the night before.
I woke early and made some pastries for breakfast. They had been on my list of things to bake. They tasted good, even if they are not good for you.
This morning has been somewhat productive. I took the Christmas tree down and put away all the christmas decorations. I did laundry. Put away the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Cleaned around the house. Now, I just need to run out and do grocery shopping. After that, I plan on exercising. Then I need to paint my nails. After that, I don't know what I'm going to do.
The stress of work is wearing me thin.
I woke early and made some pastries for breakfast. They had been on my list of things to bake. They tasted good, even if they are not good for you.
This morning has been somewhat productive. I took the Christmas tree down and put away all the christmas decorations. I did laundry. Put away the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Cleaned around the house. Now, I just need to run out and do grocery shopping. After that, I plan on exercising. Then I need to paint my nails. After that, I don't know what I'm going to do.
The stress of work is wearing me thin.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Stressed
Ever since Christmas, I've been stressed. I've been stressed about work, I've been stressed about losing weight, or in my case, not losing weight, and I've been stressed about getting started doing all the things I want to do this year - like getting the mole removed on my back and getting the hair on my face and chin removed, and getting this busted mucus cell on my lip fixed.
Apparently the doctor is closed until the 3rd which means we probably won't get an appointment until February. IMO, unacceptable. Appointment in February means not getting anything started until March!
Last night, I couldn't even sleep. I kept tossing and turning.
I think the mucus cell will heal completely which is why I haven't gone back to the dentist to move forward with it. Well, I'm giving it a few more days to see if it does disappear completely.
Next month an encore of Aida is showing. I decided to purchase a ticket and go. I'll look like a dorkie loser by myself but what is a girl to do. I have no escort. Story of my life.
Apparently the doctor is closed until the 3rd which means we probably won't get an appointment until February. IMO, unacceptable. Appointment in February means not getting anything started until March!
Last night, I couldn't even sleep. I kept tossing and turning.
I think the mucus cell will heal completely which is why I haven't gone back to the dentist to move forward with it. Well, I'm giving it a few more days to see if it does disappear completely.
Next month an encore of Aida is showing. I decided to purchase a ticket and go. I'll look like a dorkie loser by myself but what is a girl to do. I have no escort. Story of my life.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Positive for January 2013
I spent some time today getting ready for the new year at work. I think I'm going to try to write nothing but positive things for all of January 2013. It might be a challenge, but I want to try.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Something's in the Air for 2013
I sense that 2013 is going to be game changing. I don't know if it is going to be good or bad. I could finally lose the remaining weight and find a guy who wants me. Or, I could finally become at peace with the realization that I will always be alone and that marriage, love, being wanted, kids, and a family of my own is not in the cards for me.
I've been contacted by two guys but neither is doing anything for me. I'm sure they are nice guys but... One is 39, divorced, with a 12 year old kid, who lives an hour and a half away. The other has a heart disease, can't drive, can't work, and is constantly sick.
Neither is in a position to pamper me. In fact, both would need me to cater to them to make it work - and you know what? I'm through being the nice girl. No one really truly wants the nice girl and on top of all that, she gets jack shit for it. So, say la vie.
This year, it is going to be all about me and what I want.
I've been contacted by two guys but neither is doing anything for me. I'm sure they are nice guys but... One is 39, divorced, with a 12 year old kid, who lives an hour and a half away. The other has a heart disease, can't drive, can't work, and is constantly sick.
Neither is in a position to pamper me. In fact, both would need me to cater to them to make it work - and you know what? I'm through being the nice girl. No one really truly wants the nice girl and on top of all that, she gets jack shit for it. So, say la vie.
This year, it is going to be all about me and what I want.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Eve and Christmas
Same old same old. Nothing new to tell. Christmas Eve was spent over at my parents. We always cook a bunch of snack foods and eat them in the evening as a party. We watched part of "How to Train Your Dragon." I filled the stockings and then left for the night.
Christmas morning I headed back over to my folks. It wasn't all that great. Dad was in a bad mood which put me in a bad mood. Grandma threw up which ruined everything for everyone as we paused for an hour cleaning the mess up. Yes, it did take that long when you have a 5 foot 3 165 pound baby to clean up. Things got better afterwards except the house was so hot and whenever I tried to turn the fan on my Grandma would yell about it being too cold and so it would be shut off again. Sigh.
Christmas lunch came after opening presents. It was good. I packed a little bit for later and then headed back home.
I didn't get anything surprising for Christmas. I knew exactly what was what which was a bit disappointing. And my brother didn't get me anything which was hurtful. I hate when people do one present to count for both my birthday and Christmas. All in all, not a spectacular Christmas, but then, when is it ever.
For Christmas I got a
Christmas morning I headed back over to my folks. It wasn't all that great. Dad was in a bad mood which put me in a bad mood. Grandma threw up which ruined everything for everyone as we paused for an hour cleaning the mess up. Yes, it did take that long when you have a 5 foot 3 165 pound baby to clean up. Things got better afterwards except the house was so hot and whenever I tried to turn the fan on my Grandma would yell about it being too cold and so it would be shut off again. Sigh.
Christmas lunch came after opening presents. It was good. I packed a little bit for later and then headed back home.
I didn't get anything surprising for Christmas. I knew exactly what was what which was a bit disappointing. And my brother didn't get me anything which was hurtful. I hate when people do one present to count for both my birthday and Christmas. All in all, not a spectacular Christmas, but then, when is it ever.
For Christmas I got a
- Standing KitchenAid Mixer and some attachments for it.
- Christmas China - Plates, Bowls, Cups, and Appetizer plates.
- Rechargeable Batteries
- A Smurf Oranament
- Crayons and a Strawberry Shortcake Coloring Book
- Tinker Bell Sandwich Bags
- $50
- A Book about Stationary and Decorations with Paper
- Small Hello Kitty Plush Toy
- Cherry purse with matching wallet
Monday, December 24, 2012
Birthday - 33
If I was to choose one gift from the Almighty Lord, it would be that of beauty because there is nothing more powerful in this world than a beautiful woman.
Another birthday has come and gone. I went over to my parent's at lunch time for tacos, opened presents, and then went to Olive Garden for a slice of Black Tie Mouse Cake for my birthday cake.
For my birthday, I got:
Cowboy Boots
Age 7, 8, and 9 Precious Moments Disney Princess Age Train figurines
Lady Antebellum Tickets
2 x pairs of Hiking Socks
Smurf T-Shirt
$50
Carry On Bag that came free with the Boots
I went home around 4:00 and then around 7:00 I drove around looking at Christmas lights for about and hour before heading on home.
I realized I hadn't purchased anything for myself specifically for my Birthday. I need to think about what I would like and get it.
Happy Birthday Dear!
Another birthday has come and gone. I went over to my parent's at lunch time for tacos, opened presents, and then went to Olive Garden for a slice of Black Tie Mouse Cake for my birthday cake.
For my birthday, I got:
Cowboy Boots
Age 7, 8, and 9 Precious Moments Disney Princess Age Train figurines
Lady Antebellum Tickets
2 x pairs of Hiking Socks
Smurf T-Shirt
$50
Carry On Bag that came free with the Boots
I went home around 4:00 and then around 7:00 I drove around looking at Christmas lights for about and hour before heading on home.
I realized I hadn't purchased anything for myself specifically for my Birthday. I need to think about what I would like and get it.
Happy Birthday Dear!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Birthday Eve
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke early, as I always do, and spent the morning baking my strawberry pink camo nerdy hello kitty with cream cheese icing birthday cake. It turned out really cute. I spent the afternoon exercising and cleaning around the place. In the evening, my mother and I went to Fiesta Texas. The Christmas event was better than the Halloween one, but still not worth buying a ticket for. We did see carolers there, and that was very enjoyable.
I plan to see Lady Antebellum in February. I have asked my brother if he wishes to come with me, but I need to know his answers soon because I want to purchase tickets by the end of this month. I also want to see the Hobbit but I plan on waiting until January when they crowds will be less - at least, that is my thinking.
As I drove home last night, I detoured to look at Christmas lights on people's houses. I was sad at the magical Christmas feeling that I lost and have failed to rekindle somehow. But, you know, as I was driving, for the first time, I felt like everything was going to turn out alright in the end. But, I just had to be very very patient. It might be 20 years, but I think maybe, somewhere along the line, I'll get a little moment of happiness.
I plan to see Lady Antebellum in February. I have asked my brother if he wishes to come with me, but I need to know his answers soon because I want to purchase tickets by the end of this month. I also want to see the Hobbit but I plan on waiting until January when they crowds will be less - at least, that is my thinking.
As I drove home last night, I detoured to look at Christmas lights on people's houses. I was sad at the magical Christmas feeling that I lost and have failed to rekindle somehow. But, you know, as I was driving, for the first time, I felt like everything was going to turn out alright in the end. But, I just had to be very very patient. It might be 20 years, but I think maybe, somewhere along the line, I'll get a little moment of happiness.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Hog Wilds Baking
I like baking and when I'm depressed, I like to do two things. Cleaning and Baking. It makes me feel like I'm making progress, doing something productive, and keeps my mind off my woes.
But, I think I over did it a little for the holidays. I baked Molasses and Peanut Butter cookies, red rice crispy treats, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, lemon meringue pie, chocolate pie, mint brownies, and a strawberry pink camo hello kitty birthday cake with cream cheese frosting for myself.
And I'll continue baking until I start to feel better. Next on my list is home make from scratch cinnamon rolls. That has been on my bucket list for a long time. The good news is, I'm not eating all the sweets. My heart just isn't into it. But the people at work are going to love me with all the stuff I start bringing into the office.
On an interesting side note, I was disappointed to see the world didn't end yesterday.
But, I think I over did it a little for the holidays. I baked Molasses and Peanut Butter cookies, red rice crispy treats, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, lemon meringue pie, chocolate pie, mint brownies, and a strawberry pink camo hello kitty birthday cake with cream cheese frosting for myself.
And I'll continue baking until I start to feel better. Next on my list is home make from scratch cinnamon rolls. That has been on my bucket list for a long time. The good news is, I'm not eating all the sweets. My heart just isn't into it. But the people at work are going to love me with all the stuff I start bringing into the office.
On an interesting side note, I was disappointed to see the world didn't end yesterday.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Why I Dislike the Holidays
I have a love hate relationship with the holidays. I could never quite put my finger on why I hate them so much. One is probably because guys always break up with me around this time of year. But mostly, it's because I'm a "go go go" person and the world just stops during this time of year. I can't wait for it to be over, for it to be the new year, so I can start doing the things I want to get done. When everything is closed or on vacation, you have to wait until they are back.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Life Update
I'm mad at myself. When I was a little girl, I swore I would never be that girl. I swore I would never be that girl who clung to an abusive man. The mind is strong but the body is weak. It is amazing what a starving person will drink. I'm so starved for affections, touch, and the need to be wanted that I'm willing to drink piss just to get a split second of it.
G treated me like a whore and was a complete and total ass to me. Not once, in the whole time we saw each other, did he do a single nice thing for me. I don't know why he contacted me a second time. He said he wasn't attracted to me and kept harping on bad things about me and things he wanted to change. I didn't sleep with him, and I'm glad.
Yesterday, I finally put my foot down. I said hit the road. I don't want to see you or hear from you again. Well, that is after he told me that he urged me to not see him anymore. Really? You are that cowardly you can't even tell a girl face to face you don't like her and don't want to see her?
Need a remember everyone, HE contacted me - twice - asking to be fuck buddies. What the hell? And for someone not attracted to me, without touching him, just being in his presences and him looking at me (fully clothed), he sure manged to pitch a tent pretty quickly.
But that is that. I am no longer going to think about or talk about G anymore. I am moving on.
G treated me like a whore and was a complete and total ass to me. Not once, in the whole time we saw each other, did he do a single nice thing for me. I don't know why he contacted me a second time. He said he wasn't attracted to me and kept harping on bad things about me and things he wanted to change. I didn't sleep with him, and I'm glad.
Yesterday, I finally put my foot down. I said hit the road. I don't want to see you or hear from you again. Well, that is after he told me that he urged me to not see him anymore. Really? You are that cowardly you can't even tell a girl face to face you don't like her and don't want to see her?
Need a remember everyone, HE contacted me - twice - asking to be fuck buddies. What the hell? And for someone not attracted to me, without touching him, just being in his presences and him looking at me (fully clothed), he sure manged to pitch a tent pretty quickly.
But that is that. I am no longer going to think about or talk about G anymore. I am moving on.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Looks Are The Most Important Thing!
"I love you, you're perfect
in every way - except I don't like your thighs - so I'm willing to
miss out on the best thing that could have ever happened to me, for this
one shallow, minor, insignificant, inconsequential, inconsiderable,
infinitesimal, irrelevant, meager, meaningless, minim, minimal,
minuscule, minute, negligible, nondescript, nonessential, not worth
mentioning, nugatory idiot hangup I've got." - A Friend
Dear Idiot,
You have placed me in an egregious situation. I have a choice to make; one with only 3 options. No option exists, which I can make, without great deal of damage done to myself. Whichever choice I make, each come at a painful price and consequence. My job now is to decide which choice will be the least detrimental.
As such, I refuse to be complicit in the perpetuation of the idea that physical beauty is more important than content. Doing so is a huge mistake and one I know I will regret for a long time to come. We all lose our looks, it is an unavoidable fact. What is important is finding someone who is attracted to our content and loves it, so that as we age there is still a bond.
I can’t condemn you for wanting me thinner or even if you would suddenly find me attractive when I lose the weight. That is the reason I’m working to lose it, to attract a man. I don’t hold it against men for wanting an attractive partner and not wanting to date one who is not. Physical attraction is what tenders love. I accept that fact of life and I’m working within that system to find my love.
The vast majority of men I will date, after I lose the last of the weight, would not have given me a chance before I lost it. It’s not fair to punish you, when I wouldn’t these other men, just because you appeared in my life before the process was complete.
But, I do expect any man I am with to also appreciate my other assets. I demand that a man values my content alongside the physical. I can accept valuing the content without the physical (since in the end, physical doesn’t matter) but I will not accept valuing the physical but not the content.
I can, and will, hold it against you that you failed to find anything else likeable about me. I gave you the opportunity to enumerate qualities you appreciate about me and you either chose not to or you were unsuccessful in thinking about anything to list. This shows you fail to recognize how completely awesome I am and what I prize earning my regard truly is. I will not be with a man, knowing the only thing he values about me is my physical appearance. He has to appreciate me on a deeper level.
If I entered into a fuck buddy relationship with you, as my body changes, and it will, I run the risk of you slowly becoming attracted to me physical. As that happens, there is a slight chance you will want to move things to a more serious level. Sans attraction to my content, that would be a disaster. You believe that a relationship without physical attraction is unhealthy. But I contend that a relationship without attraction to your partner’s content is doomed. We would run the risk of entering into a relationship that would never make it because you would never truly love me. As time passes, my body will once again change into something less attractive, you would pull away unhappy because love is not there to mask the inevitable weathering effects of childbirth, life, and time.
Sincerely,
someone wiser than her time and better than you deserve
Dear Idiot,
You have placed me in an egregious situation. I have a choice to make; one with only 3 options. No option exists, which I can make, without great deal of damage done to myself. Whichever choice I make, each come at a painful price and consequence. My job now is to decide which choice will be the least detrimental.
- I can choose to be your fuck buddy. – I can fulfill my physical need but at the price of emotional turmoil.
- I can choose to be your friend. – I can fulfill my emotional need but at the cost of physical turmoil.
- I can choose to remove you from my life. – I can choose not to fulfill either need. Neither is crushed more than the status quo but neither is sate either.
As such, I refuse to be complicit in the perpetuation of the idea that physical beauty is more important than content. Doing so is a huge mistake and one I know I will regret for a long time to come. We all lose our looks, it is an unavoidable fact. What is important is finding someone who is attracted to our content and loves it, so that as we age there is still a bond.
I can’t condemn you for wanting me thinner or even if you would suddenly find me attractive when I lose the weight. That is the reason I’m working to lose it, to attract a man. I don’t hold it against men for wanting an attractive partner and not wanting to date one who is not. Physical attraction is what tenders love. I accept that fact of life and I’m working within that system to find my love.
The vast majority of men I will date, after I lose the last of the weight, would not have given me a chance before I lost it. It’s not fair to punish you, when I wouldn’t these other men, just because you appeared in my life before the process was complete.
But, I do expect any man I am with to also appreciate my other assets. I demand that a man values my content alongside the physical. I can accept valuing the content without the physical (since in the end, physical doesn’t matter) but I will not accept valuing the physical but not the content.
I can, and will, hold it against you that you failed to find anything else likeable about me. I gave you the opportunity to enumerate qualities you appreciate about me and you either chose not to or you were unsuccessful in thinking about anything to list. This shows you fail to recognize how completely awesome I am and what I prize earning my regard truly is. I will not be with a man, knowing the only thing he values about me is my physical appearance. He has to appreciate me on a deeper level.
If I entered into a fuck buddy relationship with you, as my body changes, and it will, I run the risk of you slowly becoming attracted to me physical. As that happens, there is a slight chance you will want to move things to a more serious level. Sans attraction to my content, that would be a disaster. You believe that a relationship without physical attraction is unhealthy. But I contend that a relationship without attraction to your partner’s content is doomed. We would run the risk of entering into a relationship that would never make it because you would never truly love me. As time passes, my body will once again change into something less attractive, you would pull away unhappy because love is not there to mask the inevitable weathering effects of childbirth, life, and time.
Sincerely,
someone wiser than her time and better than you deserve
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Pissed - If you are not physically attracted, don't ask them out!
About four 4 months ago, I was pretty severally harassed on this blog. So much so, that I have toned down posting on it. One particular harassment revolved around being down on a guy who actually liked the way I looked. I replied that I didn't hate him because he was physically attracted to me, but rather, it was new to me and I kind of doubted it was true. Which led to all sorts of follow up meanness.
The guy is question contacted me first on an online dating site. He didn't know anything about me other than my abundance of photos and written profile. He dated me not once, twice, or thrice, but close to 12 times before he told me he didn't feel chemistry. I was confused because most people A) don't date someone they are not physically attracted to more than 3 times. B) His physical reactions to me belied that.
But, moving on. He contacted me again a few months later asking to be friends. He felt a strong intellectual attraction for me but didn't see us long term. Okay, I get that. He likes my personality but not my looks. Once again he confused me by then promptly asking to be fuck buddies. Ohhhhhhhhkaaaaay?! Who asks someone to be fuck buddies they are not attracted to? He must not dislike my looks that much.
Until a few days ago, when, he revealed he just wasn't physically attracted to me. FTW? We haven't had sex but have done everything but and only now you are telling me this. I don't want to be fuck buddies and I sure as hell don't want to be fuck buddies with someone who finds me repugnant. The kicker is, according to him, I'm perfect for him in everyway except he isn't attracted to me. I'm fucking sick and tired of being told by men that I'm wonderful but because I'm ugly I'm not worth shit. Yes, it happens all the time and I'm fucking sick of it. Do you know how fucking devastating it is to tell a woman that - that her whole worth as a female is tied to her body and appearence?
But, the real reason I'm so pissed off is because, if looks are so damn important to you, why the hell do you contact a person in the first place if you are not attracted to them? Just leave them the fuck alone and focus on people you are attracted to. I guess I can't even trust that if a guy is talking to me, dating me, and fucking me, he likes the way I look now.
The guy is question contacted me first on an online dating site. He didn't know anything about me other than my abundance of photos and written profile. He dated me not once, twice, or thrice, but close to 12 times before he told me he didn't feel chemistry. I was confused because most people A) don't date someone they are not physically attracted to more than 3 times. B) His physical reactions to me belied that.
But, moving on. He contacted me again a few months later asking to be friends. He felt a strong intellectual attraction for me but didn't see us long term. Okay, I get that. He likes my personality but not my looks. Once again he confused me by then promptly asking to be fuck buddies. Ohhhhhhhhkaaaaay?! Who asks someone to be fuck buddies they are not attracted to? He must not dislike my looks that much.
Until a few days ago, when, he revealed he just wasn't physically attracted to me. FTW? We haven't had sex but have done everything but and only now you are telling me this. I don't want to be fuck buddies and I sure as hell don't want to be fuck buddies with someone who finds me repugnant. The kicker is, according to him, I'm perfect for him in everyway except he isn't attracted to me. I'm fucking sick and tired of being told by men that I'm wonderful but because I'm ugly I'm not worth shit. Yes, it happens all the time and I'm fucking sick of it. Do you know how fucking devastating it is to tell a woman that - that her whole worth as a female is tied to her body and appearence?
But, the real reason I'm so pissed off is because, if looks are so damn important to you, why the hell do you contact a person in the first place if you are not attracted to them? Just leave them the fuck alone and focus on people you are attracted to. I guess I can't even trust that if a guy is talking to me, dating me, and fucking me, he likes the way I look now.
Friday, November 09, 2012
Hollow
I knew giving G another chance was a bad idea, but I'm more of a open doors not shut them type of gal. I don't understand G at all. I hear what he is looking for and I'm like exactly that.
He wants a curvy but healthy girl. I'm curvy and healthy. He wants someone who will be dedicated to staying healthy. I'm more dedicated to losing my access weight then he will ever know. Nothing anyone, least of all him, says or does will change my mind on this.
He wants someone who eats healthy - hello, I do. More so them him (eating raw cookie dough!)
He needs someone who will suit his sexual desires and drive. I'm right there with him
He needs someone who can hold her ground and yet be confident enough to let him have his way.
He wants someone who is high maintenance, sophisticated, and yet doesn't mind getting her hands dirty camping for a weekend.
He has only known me for less than 50 hours out of my whole existence and yet he feels he knows me. He sees me as 1 dimensional. He doesn't think I'm his soul mate.
The very fact that I *am* multidimensional, shining like a finely cut multifaceted diamond, is why he thinks he knows me after so little time. I keep trying to tell him he doesn't know me as well as he believes but he doesn't listen.
He claims I haven't expressed any interests to him. I have, many times, he just hasn't been paying attention. I tried to show him pictures of my baked goods, my edible art, and cooked dishes as we sat in bed. He was too busy texting someone else to pay any mind. After about the 4th time of getting him to look at what I wanted to show him, I gave up.
I texted him a link to my profile so he could see some of my artwork, manga, stories, and 3D work. He didn't even bother acknowledging that I sent the link to him.
I've expressed interest in hiking and camping. I've mentioned my pink camo camping set and I have even left him early in the morning to go hiking on my own. He has seen my manga and anime collection, many of which are in Japanese. He has seen my books. He has browsed my DVD collection which contains a large number of classic films.
He has seen my large collection of kitchen stuff sitting in my closet. Which goes hand and hand with baking and cooking. When we were out shopping, one of the books I picked up was a book on selecting the best quality food.
I have talked about gaming, both WoW and DDR. In my home are hints of my love of Hello Kitty and Disney. I wear the same mickey mouse watch all the time. He has even comments of some of the items.
In my bedrooms is a Gothic fairy piece of art work that I love. It is the one piece that is not Asian inspired in my place. It is a hint of the darker, kinkier side of me. I once dressed a tad gothy for him, including make-up. I even mentioned being goth-like in college.
And that is just the beginning. Short of beating the boy over the head with a stick and saying, "Pay attention, this is who I am and what I like.", I don't know what more I can do to make him see me as anything more than what he does.
Honestly, I don't know why he sees me so incorrectly. I'm trying to figure it out. I'll be talking to my friends and mention something G will say about me. They always pause because I even continue saying "what girl is he hanging out with."
I wonder if maybe he can't help comparing me with some girl from his past and that is why he can't see me for me.
G has treated me like a cheap whore, which is the most insulting thing any guy can ever do to me.
G accused me of being incompetent, which is the second most insulting thing any one can ever do to me.
He has asked about my weight which is the number one taboo topic with me. Nothing will make me more insecure than bringing it up. I have a strong, don't ask, don't tell policy. I will never mention anything about my weight or dieting and I really wish you wouldn't tell me anything about it. If you don't like they way I look, just leave. If you love the way I look, show me with your touch and body, not your words.
The final straw was when he accused me of not expressing my interests. That said it all right there. I was already upset that he failed to look at my art, that hurt. But to sit there and claim I don't express my interests to you? Now that is just plain insulting and says right there how self centered, selfish, and egotistical you are. You are not listening because you don't have enough, if any, respect for me.
I'm hollow, I have no more energy to put into worrying about this issue or men in general. Every single man in my life has done nothing but use me and spit me out without any regard for my feelings. Granted, that is a product of my generation, "me, me, me". Few people care about anyone but themselves. But, usually people find at least one person who cares enough for them that they don't always put themselves first.
The few moments of happiness, peace, and joy I got were nothing compared to the insecurity, anger, and sadness. They didn't even balance out. I don't regret stepping through the door to see what happened, but I wish I hadn't.
Last night I finally realized that A) it isn't worth it.
All the work I have put into trying to find someone. All the hurt and pain. The good moments are not worth all those bad one. I'm sure being loved really does make it all worth it but that brings me to B) It's never going to happen for me.
I finally really do give up. If it hasn't happened by now, it never will. No one has and no one will every love me. No matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough. I don't know what is wrong with me. I will probably never know, but I know something is.
Even with G, who wanted to sleep with me and hung out with me, apparently didn't like my body. It wasn't good enough and he wants it changed. I thought... I thought I had finally found a man who wasn't disgussed by my body. But, it isn't so. It wasn't the size as much as it wasn't toned.
I deleted my profiles last night. I'm going to revert back to focusing on myself and self improvement. I'm going to try really hard to lose those 10 pounds so I can be 150 by new year. I'm going to kick up strength training to tone. I'm going to focus on doing what I want to do. Focus on trying to be as happy as I can alone.
Being lonely may not be fun, but it is less fun to have a guy in your life that only causes you pain and only uses you. If I can't be happy, I'll take as least miserable as I can. Right now, I'm just hollow.
He wants a curvy but healthy girl. I'm curvy and healthy. He wants someone who will be dedicated to staying healthy. I'm more dedicated to losing my access weight then he will ever know. Nothing anyone, least of all him, says or does will change my mind on this.
He wants someone who eats healthy - hello, I do. More so them him (eating raw cookie dough!)
He needs someone who will suit his sexual desires and drive. I'm right there with him
He needs someone who can hold her ground and yet be confident enough to let him have his way.
He wants someone who is high maintenance, sophisticated, and yet doesn't mind getting her hands dirty camping for a weekend.
He has only known me for less than 50 hours out of my whole existence and yet he feels he knows me. He sees me as 1 dimensional. He doesn't think I'm his soul mate.
The very fact that I *am* multidimensional, shining like a finely cut multifaceted diamond, is why he thinks he knows me after so little time. I keep trying to tell him he doesn't know me as well as he believes but he doesn't listen.
He claims I haven't expressed any interests to him. I have, many times, he just hasn't been paying attention. I tried to show him pictures of my baked goods, my edible art, and cooked dishes as we sat in bed. He was too busy texting someone else to pay any mind. After about the 4th time of getting him to look at what I wanted to show him, I gave up.
I texted him a link to my profile so he could see some of my artwork, manga, stories, and 3D work. He didn't even bother acknowledging that I sent the link to him.
I've expressed interest in hiking and camping. I've mentioned my pink camo camping set and I have even left him early in the morning to go hiking on my own. He has seen my manga and anime collection, many of which are in Japanese. He has seen my books. He has browsed my DVD collection which contains a large number of classic films.
He has seen my large collection of kitchen stuff sitting in my closet. Which goes hand and hand with baking and cooking. When we were out shopping, one of the books I picked up was a book on selecting the best quality food.
I have talked about gaming, both WoW and DDR. In my home are hints of my love of Hello Kitty and Disney. I wear the same mickey mouse watch all the time. He has even comments of some of the items.
In my bedrooms is a Gothic fairy piece of art work that I love. It is the one piece that is not Asian inspired in my place. It is a hint of the darker, kinkier side of me. I once dressed a tad gothy for him, including make-up. I even mentioned being goth-like in college.
And that is just the beginning. Short of beating the boy over the head with a stick and saying, "Pay attention, this is who I am and what I like.", I don't know what more I can do to make him see me as anything more than what he does.
Honestly, I don't know why he sees me so incorrectly. I'm trying to figure it out. I'll be talking to my friends and mention something G will say about me. They always pause because I even continue saying "what girl is he hanging out with."
I wonder if maybe he can't help comparing me with some girl from his past and that is why he can't see me for me.
G has treated me like a cheap whore, which is the most insulting thing any guy can ever do to me.
G accused me of being incompetent, which is the second most insulting thing any one can ever do to me.
He has asked about my weight which is the number one taboo topic with me. Nothing will make me more insecure than bringing it up. I have a strong, don't ask, don't tell policy. I will never mention anything about my weight or dieting and I really wish you wouldn't tell me anything about it. If you don't like they way I look, just leave. If you love the way I look, show me with your touch and body, not your words.
The final straw was when he accused me of not expressing my interests. That said it all right there. I was already upset that he failed to look at my art, that hurt. But to sit there and claim I don't express my interests to you? Now that is just plain insulting and says right there how self centered, selfish, and egotistical you are. You are not listening because you don't have enough, if any, respect for me.
I'm hollow, I have no more energy to put into worrying about this issue or men in general. Every single man in my life has done nothing but use me and spit me out without any regard for my feelings. Granted, that is a product of my generation, "me, me, me". Few people care about anyone but themselves. But, usually people find at least one person who cares enough for them that they don't always put themselves first.
The few moments of happiness, peace, and joy I got were nothing compared to the insecurity, anger, and sadness. They didn't even balance out. I don't regret stepping through the door to see what happened, but I wish I hadn't.
Last night I finally realized that A) it isn't worth it.
All the work I have put into trying to find someone. All the hurt and pain. The good moments are not worth all those bad one. I'm sure being loved really does make it all worth it but that brings me to B) It's never going to happen for me.
I finally really do give up. If it hasn't happened by now, it never will. No one has and no one will every love me. No matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough. I don't know what is wrong with me. I will probably never know, but I know something is.
Even with G, who wanted to sleep with me and hung out with me, apparently didn't like my body. It wasn't good enough and he wants it changed. I thought... I thought I had finally found a man who wasn't disgussed by my body. But, it isn't so. It wasn't the size as much as it wasn't toned.
I deleted my profiles last night. I'm going to revert back to focusing on myself and self improvement. I'm going to try really hard to lose those 10 pounds so I can be 150 by new year. I'm going to kick up strength training to tone. I'm going to focus on doing what I want to do. Focus on trying to be as happy as I can alone.
Being lonely may not be fun, but it is less fun to have a guy in your life that only causes you pain and only uses you. If I can't be happy, I'll take as least miserable as I can. Right now, I'm just hollow.
Monday, November 05, 2012
Bra Fitting
This weekend I finally went to get fitted for a bra. I went to both Nordstroms and Neiman Marcus. Both places sized me at the same size, 32F (DDD). I had my size at 34F (DDD), so I was very close.
I'm a little overwhelmed by all the styles and selections out there, more so because the bras at that size are so expensive, I want to make sure I really like what I get. But at the same time, I do like most of them. I feel like I want to collect them all, lol.
I gotta say, it was my first time shopping at Nordstroms or Neiman Marcus and wow, just wow. They are both really nice stores to shop at. People with money sure have it good.
I'm a little overwhelmed by all the styles and selections out there, more so because the bras at that size are so expensive, I want to make sure I really like what I get. But at the same time, I do like most of them. I feel like I want to collect them all, lol.
I gotta say, it was my first time shopping at Nordstroms or Neiman Marcus and wow, just wow. They are both really nice stores to shop at. People with money sure have it good.
Friday, November 02, 2012
Sex Buddies
The appropriate term is Fuck Buddies, but I didn't want to put that as the title for this post. Yes, Fuck Buddies sounds crud and harsh because that is what it is - ugly. I won't even use the term friends with benefits because in order to be friends with benefits, you have to be friends. Hence forth, in the post, I will refer to Fuck Buddies or Fuck Buddy as FB.
Can I just say, despite my love of sex, passion, and desire - sex without emotion has no appeal to me. So, a FB situation doesn't appeal. So, what about my own FB relationship. Well, since we haven't actually had any sex, it isn't a real FB situation yet.
So, why am I letting myself be sucked into a FB situation? Well, because I wanted to see where things go, I wanted to try to understand why a guy would say he doesn't feel any chemistry, not talk to you for months, then pop back in asking to be friends and then FBs. Why'd I, out of all the women out there, come to his mind for a FB relationship? Why'd you want a FB relationship with someone you don't have chemistry with and are not attracted to?
I also wanted to try to get some experiences out of it that, at 33, I should have had, but haven't had the pleasure of. I've been so touch deprived that, at first, any touch is better than none. Also, I'm bored and this situation is anything but boring.
Somethings I would like to experience/gain from the FB situation:
But, I find myself quickly losing interest. Sex really does have to be a mix between emotional and physical. And, I don't feel like I'm really getting the emotional stuff met. Also, I've have kind of built up this wall of expecting to be hurt, disappointed, no trust, no emotion. So, I see myself sort of seeing things from the outside looking in and thoughts and emotions are viewed more analytically than anything.
I don't believe my FB and I wouldn't do fabulously together. I just feel like he is doing everything in the book to make me not want him. I need passion, romance, trust, stability. I need any man in my life to be a rock, provide comfort, and security. And I need to, at least feel, like I'm important to him. And, I definitely don't feel important to my FB. There is no security. I feel, each time we part, that this will be the last time I see him. Whenever we make plans, I wonder if they are going to happen. Our plans seem to fall through more than not - especially the more I look forward to them.
You know, I think that is the sum of this whole post. (Which is why I write and post, to sort out my emotions). I don't feel important to my FB and that, in turn, is slow pushing me away and shutting me down.
But hey, I'm just a FB, so he probably doesn't care.
Can I just say, despite my love of sex, passion, and desire - sex without emotion has no appeal to me. So, a FB situation doesn't appeal. So, what about my own FB relationship. Well, since we haven't actually had any sex, it isn't a real FB situation yet.
So, why am I letting myself be sucked into a FB situation? Well, because I wanted to see where things go, I wanted to try to understand why a guy would say he doesn't feel any chemistry, not talk to you for months, then pop back in asking to be friends and then FBs. Why'd I, out of all the women out there, come to his mind for a FB relationship? Why'd you want a FB relationship with someone you don't have chemistry with and are not attracted to?
I also wanted to try to get some experiences out of it that, at 33, I should have had, but haven't had the pleasure of. I've been so touch deprived that, at first, any touch is better than none. Also, I'm bored and this situation is anything but boring.
Somethings I would like to experience/gain from the FB situation:
- Get better at sex. I have such little experience and I believe practice makes perfect. I want to check off some of those other sexual acts that I want to try but haven't gotten to yet.
- Touch. I'm touch deprived.
- Go to the grocery store with a man. I got this one.
- Fix a meal for a man. I've always wanted to cook a meal for a man and have never gotten to. With this FB, I've tried 4 times and they always fall through. I'm beginning to think it isn't ever going to happen.
- Go on a trip with a guy. This FB suggested a weekend trip. Now, I'll believe it is going to happen when I see it. But the idea appeals to me a lot.
- Not be so bored all the time.
- Become more confident about myself and my body. I think it would do me good to be around a guy who at least acts like he finds me desirable.
- Learn more about myself, mature, and grow a little bit as a woman.
- To have a hiking buddy.
But, I find myself quickly losing interest. Sex really does have to be a mix between emotional and physical. And, I don't feel like I'm really getting the emotional stuff met. Also, I've have kind of built up this wall of expecting to be hurt, disappointed, no trust, no emotion. So, I see myself sort of seeing things from the outside looking in and thoughts and emotions are viewed more analytically than anything.
I don't believe my FB and I wouldn't do fabulously together. I just feel like he is doing everything in the book to make me not want him. I need passion, romance, trust, stability. I need any man in my life to be a rock, provide comfort, and security. And I need to, at least feel, like I'm important to him. And, I definitely don't feel important to my FB. There is no security. I feel, each time we part, that this will be the last time I see him. Whenever we make plans, I wonder if they are going to happen. Our plans seem to fall through more than not - especially the more I look forward to them.
You know, I think that is the sum of this whole post. (Which is why I write and post, to sort out my emotions). I don't feel important to my FB and that, in turn, is slow pushing me away and shutting me down.
But hey, I'm just a FB, so he probably doesn't care.
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Professional Cleaning
Since I resigned my lease, and did it early, the apartment offers you a resigning gift. I chose to have my apartment professionally cleaned. I was a bit weary about having someone in my apartment with me not here, and letting them clean with all my stuff around, but it turned out really nice. I could see paying to have them come in to clean once a quarter.
I've been wanting to write something philosophical here, for the past week or so, but nothing is coming to my mind. I mean, I have all these thoughts roaming around in my mind but no conclusions. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. I guess only time will time if I live to have fond memories, painful regrets, or these moments will pass by without taking hold in my notice.
I've been wanting to write something philosophical here, for the past week or so, but nothing is coming to my mind. I mean, I have all these thoughts roaming around in my mind but no conclusions. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. I guess only time will time if I live to have fond memories, painful regrets, or these moments will pass by without taking hold in my notice.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Rewarding
There is something extremely rewarding about being able to go to a theme park and know that you can wear the clothing they sell. It is such a little thing and yet, it makes my heart soar.
Food-wise, I didn't have a great weekend. I probably put on like 10 pounds. It's not that I ate a ton, it's just, that if I eat more than 1200 calories, I balloon up. So, I'm not even stepping on the scale until later this week. And, I'm going to double down on the exercise to try to lose some of it. And how can you go to a theme park and NOT get a funnel cake? I probably eat funnel cake once every 3 years!
I'm glad it's Monday. I'm full of energy and ready to be productive at work.
I have a new theory about my headaches on the weekends. A buddy of mine is always complaining and getting on my case that I don't drink enough. And, after thinking about it, I drink a lot less on the weekends. During the weekdays, I always have tea sitting at my desk, which I slip throughout the day. But, on the weekends, I don't do that. So, it is possible that the headaches are a result of being dehydrated. I'm going to try to drink more and see if that doesn't help eliminate the Saturday headache.
Food-wise, I didn't have a great weekend. I probably put on like 10 pounds. It's not that I ate a ton, it's just, that if I eat more than 1200 calories, I balloon up. So, I'm not even stepping on the scale until later this week. And, I'm going to double down on the exercise to try to lose some of it. And how can you go to a theme park and NOT get a funnel cake? I probably eat funnel cake once every 3 years!
I'm glad it's Monday. I'm full of energy and ready to be productive at work.
I have a new theory about my headaches on the weekends. A buddy of mine is always complaining and getting on my case that I don't drink enough. And, after thinking about it, I drink a lot less on the weekends. During the weekdays, I always have tea sitting at my desk, which I slip throughout the day. But, on the weekends, I don't do that. So, it is possible that the headaches are a result of being dehydrated. I'm going to try to drink more and see if that doesn't help eliminate the Saturday headache.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Six Flags
I wanted to check out Six Flag's Halloween event yesterday. After looking at the price of tickets, I decided the best course of action was to purchase a season pass. That way, I could check out the Halloween event and the Holiday event for the same price as a single ticket. And, I just need to go one more time to make up the money.
What does it say about me that I'm 32, dressed up in a Halloween costume (Butterfly), and going to a theme park with my mom? I say, it says I'm pretty damn cool! I definitely caused a lot of smiles. The best was when a little tot pointed at me and exclaimed, "Bug!".
The park was disappointing. It wasn't decorated all that well for Halloween. Sea World did a much better job. None of the Halloween attractions were available without paying extra money. I'm sorry, I just spent $200 to get into your park, I'm not spending an extra $50 for the Halloween stuff. That should have been included.
I felt like the park is only trying to get money from you. It's not an enjoyable situation. Parking is $17 *per visit*. I upgraded my season pass so I don't have to pay parking. But, I had to pay to get into the park, to get the season passes, and they don't reimburse that $17. Bad servicing. Food is way over priced and they don't give discounts if you have a season pass. And, you had to pay extra for all the Halloween stuff.
Once we got to the park, we had to wait in line for about an hour to process our season passes. I'm really hoping that the Holiday events are nicer to make up for Halloween. Otherwise, I'm going to have major buyers remorse. So far, Sea World is the place to go for Halloween. Sea World's Holiday event was weak, so I'm hoping that Fiesta Texas will win on that one.
What does it say about me that I'm 32, dressed up in a Halloween costume (Butterfly), and going to a theme park with my mom? I say, it says I'm pretty damn cool! I definitely caused a lot of smiles. The best was when a little tot pointed at me and exclaimed, "Bug!".
The park was disappointing. It wasn't decorated all that well for Halloween. Sea World did a much better job. None of the Halloween attractions were available without paying extra money. I'm sorry, I just spent $200 to get into your park, I'm not spending an extra $50 for the Halloween stuff. That should have been included.
I felt like the park is only trying to get money from you. It's not an enjoyable situation. Parking is $17 *per visit*. I upgraded my season pass so I don't have to pay parking. But, I had to pay to get into the park, to get the season passes, and they don't reimburse that $17. Bad servicing. Food is way over priced and they don't give discounts if you have a season pass. And, you had to pay extra for all the Halloween stuff.
Once we got to the park, we had to wait in line for about an hour to process our season passes. I'm really hoping that the Holiday events are nicer to make up for Halloween. Otherwise, I'm going to have major buyers remorse. So far, Sea World is the place to go for Halloween. Sea World's Holiday event was weak, so I'm hoping that Fiesta Texas will win on that one.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut...
...Some nights, I just feel like crying. In my defense, I think I'm going to start my period so I'm a little more emotional than normal.
But, I just don't understand what is so terrible about me that no one wants me. I mean, wants me more than just a fuck buddy that they play with in the night but hide away in the day light hours like some hideous embarrassing mistake.
Why can't someone, anyone, want me as a companion, a friend, a lover, and a partner? I'd make a slight better one than some. I can be helpful and supportive. It hurts that no one sees me as girlfriend/wifey material. It hurts that the best I can get is to be some guy's pussy toy. It hurts the most that, even though guys see no value in me, they are still willing to treat me like a cheap whore rather than leave me, at least, that much dignity.
But, that is better than I got before. So, I'm moving on up in the world! Maybe when I lose the last 25 pounds, I'll finally start being taken seriously by guys. And then someone will come along and see my real inner beauty and that I'm a wonderful soul. =)))))) It makes me smile just thinking about the idea that someday, someone might actual see the value and beauty in myself that I've known I've had all along. *GRINS*
But, I just don't understand what is so terrible about me that no one wants me. I mean, wants me more than just a fuck buddy that they play with in the night but hide away in the day light hours like some hideous embarrassing mistake.
Why can't someone, anyone, want me as a companion, a friend, a lover, and a partner? I'd make a slight better one than some. I can be helpful and supportive. It hurts that no one sees me as girlfriend/wifey material. It hurts that the best I can get is to be some guy's pussy toy. It hurts the most that, even though guys see no value in me, they are still willing to treat me like a cheap whore rather than leave me, at least, that much dignity.
But, that is better than I got before. So, I'm moving on up in the world! Maybe when I lose the last 25 pounds, I'll finally start being taken seriously by guys. And then someone will come along and see my real inner beauty and that I'm a wonderful soul. =)))))) It makes me smile just thinking about the idea that someday, someone might actual see the value and beauty in myself that I've known I've had all along. *GRINS*
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dazed and Confused
No, I'm not talking about the movie. I'm talking about my life. For the past week, I've been very confused and feel like I'm in a daze. I feel like I'm out of my body and watching someone else's life.
Why? Because I'm embarking on adventure way outside of my normal behavior. Everything inside me is telling me I should run, not walk, run away from this situation because it is only going to end up with me being hurt. Very hurt.
However, a bigger part of my says, "Screw it". I've gone 30 some odd years trying to do it right and be a good girl and it hasn't gotten me anything. If this is the only way I can get just a little bit of what I want, so be it. If I'm dying of thrist, sure, I want water. But, I'll take the piss offered me. It's better than nothing and appearently that is all I'm going to be offered (or maybe that is all I'm worth *shrugs*).
My initial reaction was to say, "No." But after thinking about it, I realized that this might be an opportunity to have some human physical contact, have some fun, and finally get some experience. I have no expectations.
So far, I'm enjoying myself and I'm not regretting my decisions. Let's just hope it stays that way. In the meantime, I'm still hoping that someone will come along who will provide the other things I want in life, like caring, love, and commitment. I haven't given up searching for that elusive dream.
In other news, I finally reach 155. This means that I'm only 1 pound away from switching from obese to simply overweight and that I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm super excited and can't wait to see what changes will happen to my body. I really hope to lose some of my butt, thighs, and hips. I'm not looking to lose my shape or the curves (which I never will because that is just who I am), but I'd just like to trim down some more so the majority of men find what they see attractive.
Although, I don't really need the majority of men. I only need and want one. But, until I find him, it's best to have as many opportunities to find him. The more men attracted, the better my odds at finding my love. =)
Why? Because I'm embarking on adventure way outside of my normal behavior. Everything inside me is telling me I should run, not walk, run away from this situation because it is only going to end up with me being hurt. Very hurt.
However, a bigger part of my says, "Screw it". I've gone 30 some odd years trying to do it right and be a good girl and it hasn't gotten me anything. If this is the only way I can get just a little bit of what I want, so be it. If I'm dying of thrist, sure, I want water. But, I'll take the piss offered me. It's better than nothing and appearently that is all I'm going to be offered (or maybe that is all I'm worth *shrugs*).
My initial reaction was to say, "No." But after thinking about it, I realized that this might be an opportunity to have some human physical contact, have some fun, and finally get some experience. I have no expectations.
So far, I'm enjoying myself and I'm not regretting my decisions. Let's just hope it stays that way. In the meantime, I'm still hoping that someone will come along who will provide the other things I want in life, like caring, love, and commitment. I haven't given up searching for that elusive dream.
In other news, I finally reach 155. This means that I'm only 1 pound away from switching from obese to simply overweight and that I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm super excited and can't wait to see what changes will happen to my body. I really hope to lose some of my butt, thighs, and hips. I'm not looking to lose my shape or the curves (which I never will because that is just who I am), but I'd just like to trim down some more so the majority of men find what they see attractive.
Although, I don't really need the majority of men. I only need and want one. But, until I find him, it's best to have as many opportunities to find him. The more men attracted, the better my odds at finding my love. =)
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Modern Fairy Tale: Prince Charming Asked Snow White to be Fuck Buddies
Once upon a time, is a place far far away...
There lived an Actress, "Plastic Surgeon in LA, can you make me the fairest again today"?
"Alas dearest Actress, that I cannot, for there is yet a younger another - Snow White is hot and you are not."
Called the media, she did enraged, to ruin that Snow White who was half her age.
Snow White scandalized ran from town where no one who matter was around.
Snow White was hot, but the guys, they were not, nor rich, and so she hated it there.
Then one day, a Prince arrived, passing by when his car broke down. He spotted Snow White, and thought she was hot, and so Charming he was as he made his move.
Snow White saw Prince Charming, good looking and rich, it couldn't be topped so came night and Prince Charming knew he was going to tap that.
Meanwhile, the Actress asked, "Plastic Surgeon in LA, can you make me the fairest again today"?
"Alas dearest Actress, that I cannot, for there is yet a younger another - Snow White is hot and you are not."
"That little whore, I fix her today, with this poison apple iphone."
Morning came and Prince Charming left, promising he would call. Many days passed but no calls came, Snow White was fretting by her phone, "Why won't he just call!"
Frustrated she whined and threw her phone, breaking it in pieces. As soon as it was gone, she realized the damaged done. What would she do, she had no money for a new cell phone, and what if Prince Charming called?
She thought about using one of her admirers to get a new phone, but then she was saved, when a new shiny apple iphone arrived in the mail.
She was happy as can be, and decided to call her Prince Charming to be. But as soon as she dailed, she fell to the curse, asleep forever.
Prince Charming was returning back home, when he saw on his phone, a number he vaguely recalled, the hot little whore, from the backwards town. He decided to stop by, hey, she was good for a ride!
But alas he was too late for poor Snow White's fate. She was way too fine, and he kissed her one last time. But then it happened, she opened her eyes, and glazed at Prince Charming, gleeful she was, now maybe he would be a boyfriend true.
Prince Charming, as well. was happy indeed for now they could knock knees. "Snow White, so fair, girl so fine, would you like to be my Fuck Buddy."
Snow White was unimpressed, but wishful she was, and so she agreed, just until the day he would fall to his knee.
And they lived happily ever after. Prince Charming had his fuck buddy while he dated others and Snow White still hopes Prince Charming will see what I lovely wife she would be.
There lived an Actress, "Plastic Surgeon in LA, can you make me the fairest again today"?
"Alas dearest Actress, that I cannot, for there is yet a younger another - Snow White is hot and you are not."
Called the media, she did enraged, to ruin that Snow White who was half her age.
Snow White scandalized ran from town where no one who matter was around.
Snow White was hot, but the guys, they were not, nor rich, and so she hated it there.
Then one day, a Prince arrived, passing by when his car broke down. He spotted Snow White, and thought she was hot, and so Charming he was as he made his move.
Snow White saw Prince Charming, good looking and rich, it couldn't be topped so came night and Prince Charming knew he was going to tap that.
Meanwhile, the Actress asked, "Plastic Surgeon in LA, can you make me the fairest again today"?
"Alas dearest Actress, that I cannot, for there is yet a younger another - Snow White is hot and you are not."
"That little whore, I fix her today, with this poison apple iphone."
Morning came and Prince Charming left, promising he would call. Many days passed but no calls came, Snow White was fretting by her phone, "Why won't he just call!"
Frustrated she whined and threw her phone, breaking it in pieces. As soon as it was gone, she realized the damaged done. What would she do, she had no money for a new cell phone, and what if Prince Charming called?
She thought about using one of her admirers to get a new phone, but then she was saved, when a new shiny apple iphone arrived in the mail.
She was happy as can be, and decided to call her Prince Charming to be. But as soon as she dailed, she fell to the curse, asleep forever.
Prince Charming was returning back home, when he saw on his phone, a number he vaguely recalled, the hot little whore, from the backwards town. He decided to stop by, hey, she was good for a ride!
But alas he was too late for poor Snow White's fate. She was way too fine, and he kissed her one last time. But then it happened, she opened her eyes, and glazed at Prince Charming, gleeful she was, now maybe he would be a boyfriend true.
Prince Charming, as well. was happy indeed for now they could knock knees. "Snow White, so fair, girl so fine, would you like to be my Fuck Buddy."
Snow White was unimpressed, but wishful she was, and so she agreed, just until the day he would fall to his knee.
And they lived happily ever after. Prince Charming had his fuck buddy while he dated others and Snow White still hopes Prince Charming will see what I lovely wife she would be.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
3 Month Plan
So, my plan right now is to try to get to 150 pounds by the end of this year. At 154, I officially switch from obese to overweight.
At 150, my plan is to take new dating profile photos and subscribe to one of those paid dating sites. It will either be eHarmony or Match. I haven't decided yet. At that point, I'm going to see if being 150 makes a lick of difference in my response rate - meaning does anyone contact me.
As it stands right now, I rarely get contacted by anyone on the free dating sites I'm on. Maybe one guy a month and he is usually just looking for a hook up.
I'm really curious and scared to know if being 150 is going to make that big a difference. Is losing 10 pounds going to change anything? They say you go down a dress size for every 10 pounds you lose. So, will I be a size 12 pant size at 150, a size 8 dress? It sure would be nice.
My fear is that I'm still going to be my fat ginormous self, wasting money, as, same as always, no guys express any interest.
Maybe I should try messaging guys who seem interesting again. You know, taking charge and being the guy. It has never worked before. Most guys just ignore my message. The few that reply disappear after a message or too. They just are not interested. If they were, they would have contacted me first.
At 150, my plan is to take new dating profile photos and subscribe to one of those paid dating sites. It will either be eHarmony or Match. I haven't decided yet. At that point, I'm going to see if being 150 makes a lick of difference in my response rate - meaning does anyone contact me.
As it stands right now, I rarely get contacted by anyone on the free dating sites I'm on. Maybe one guy a month and he is usually just looking for a hook up.
I'm really curious and scared to know if being 150 is going to make that big a difference. Is losing 10 pounds going to change anything? They say you go down a dress size for every 10 pounds you lose. So, will I be a size 12 pant size at 150, a size 8 dress? It sure would be nice.
My fear is that I'm still going to be my fat ginormous self, wasting money, as, same as always, no guys express any interest.
Maybe I should try messaging guys who seem interesting again. You know, taking charge and being the guy. It has never worked before. Most guys just ignore my message. The few that reply disappear after a message or too. They just are not interested. If they were, they would have contacted me first.
Flirtatude with a Dress
I went to the eye doctor on Saturday. I put on a white dress (I never wear white but this dress looks cute on me and it was 4 dollars so how could I say no?), a pink cardigan, and pink strappy heals. It was a cute outfit and I looked good.
Apparently the doctor thought so too, because he was very flirty. He made me uncomfortable at one point when he said, "I first noticed the shoes and then I noticed your lovely breast..." At this point he pauses and I wrap my cardigan around me. Am I flashing the guy, I'm wondering. Then he continues, "Awareness dress. Did you wear that outfit for breast cancer awareness month?"
Hah. And no, I didn't. Although I could see where he would think that. I just picked an outfit and put it on that morning.
I may not be pretty, but I do know a little something about turning a head or two. It's call putting on a dress, looking nice, and wearing some cute shoes. Women do it so rarely, that, ugly or not, guys take notice and often appreciate. I don't want to share that secret because, if I did, I would never get any attention!
This weekend I'm going to pick out a new pair of glasses. I'm going with my friend and the theme is sexy librarian. And, of course, I have to look the part. So, I'm going to bust out the pencil shirt, stilettos, and hair in a bun with a pencil to find my new pair. It should be great fun and a lot of sexiness to be had.
It's been 3 days and "let's be friends" guy hasn't responded back to me. So, it seems I was right. He just wanted to feel like he wasn't in my bad graces. Once he got that, he's out again. It makes me sad, for myself, that things like this happen. I swear I never thought about him and was past it. And then, he just randomly pops back into my life and then, just as quickly, is gone. Is it really that hard just to stay out of someone's life if you don't plan on bettering it?
BTW, I look amazing today. I have my hair up all retro and a cute dress on. The outfit would look better with heals, but since my leg is still bothering me, I'm opting for flats.
Apparently the doctor thought so too, because he was very flirty. He made me uncomfortable at one point when he said, "I first noticed the shoes and then I noticed your lovely breast..." At this point he pauses and I wrap my cardigan around me. Am I flashing the guy, I'm wondering. Then he continues, "Awareness dress. Did you wear that outfit for breast cancer awareness month?"
Hah. And no, I didn't. Although I could see where he would think that. I just picked an outfit and put it on that morning.
I may not be pretty, but I do know a little something about turning a head or two. It's call putting on a dress, looking nice, and wearing some cute shoes. Women do it so rarely, that, ugly or not, guys take notice and often appreciate. I don't want to share that secret because, if I did, I would never get any attention!
This weekend I'm going to pick out a new pair of glasses. I'm going with my friend and the theme is sexy librarian. And, of course, I have to look the part. So, I'm going to bust out the pencil shirt, stilettos, and hair in a bun with a pencil to find my new pair. It should be great fun and a lot of sexiness to be had.
It's been 3 days and "let's be friends" guy hasn't responded back to me. So, it seems I was right. He just wanted to feel like he wasn't in my bad graces. Once he got that, he's out again. It makes me sad, for myself, that things like this happen. I swear I never thought about him and was past it. And then, he just randomly pops back into my life and then, just as quickly, is gone. Is it really that hard just to stay out of someone's life if you don't plan on bettering it?
BTW, I look amazing today. I have my hair up all retro and a cute dress on. The outfit would look better with heals, but since my leg is still bothering me, I'm opting for flats.
Monday, October 15, 2012
"Let's be Friends"?
Riddle me this, why would a guy, who broke up with you, pop back into your life 3 months later and ask to be friends?
I do know this much, a person would only do that if they were looking for something from you, or to get something out of it. The question is, what?
Are you bored?
Did you enjoy their company but not enough to be in a romantic relationship with them?
Do you feel bad about how you ended it, and by them saying "yes", you feel better about yourself?
Did you think better about your decision and are trying the "let's be friends" line to get back in?
Why would you even want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, especially someone you've been sexual with?
Why would you offer to be friends with someone you know liked-liked you? Why would you put them in that position? Even if you really would like to be friends with them, if you value them that highly, wouldn't you just walk away knowing that it would be painful for that person knowing you don't feel the same way about them?
I just don't have a clue. It is a game, and I'm not good at games.
I'm leaning towards - just wanted to feel better.
But, once you start playing the game, it is best to see it through to the end. If someone has moved on, it's not nice to pop up just to reset the clock.
I do know this much, a person would only do that if they were looking for something from you, or to get something out of it. The question is, what?
Are you bored?
Did you enjoy their company but not enough to be in a romantic relationship with them?
Do you feel bad about how you ended it, and by them saying "yes", you feel better about yourself?
Did you think better about your decision and are trying the "let's be friends" line to get back in?
Why would you even want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, especially someone you've been sexual with?
Why would you offer to be friends with someone you know liked-liked you? Why would you put them in that position? Even if you really would like to be friends with them, if you value them that highly, wouldn't you just walk away knowing that it would be painful for that person knowing you don't feel the same way about them?
I just don't have a clue. It is a game, and I'm not good at games.
I'm leaning towards - just wanted to feel better.
But, once you start playing the game, it is best to see it through to the end. If someone has moved on, it's not nice to pop up just to reset the clock.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Lingerie
I love lingerie. Probably because I'd love to have a reason to buy it and someone to wear it for. Unfortunately, I don't, and I'm not going to spend lots of money for something that is just going to sit in my closet. But, surprisingly, I've taken to sleeping with just a pair of underwear on.
Some know, I hate the word panties. Panties is what a little girl wears. To refer to panties as sexual is creepy. To refer to panties as what a grown woman wears is to liken the woman to a girl and demeaning.
My term of choice is underwear, but since not all like that, maybe I'll start using skivvies or bloomers. Both are acceptable to me.
Some know, I hate the word panties. Panties is what a little girl wears. To refer to panties as sexual is creepy. To refer to panties as what a grown woman wears is to liken the woman to a girl and demeaning.
My term of choice is underwear, but since not all like that, maybe I'll start using skivvies or bloomers. Both are acceptable to me.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Quality
"This guy appears to be looking for a quality woman who can be bought. And a quality woman can never be bought."
Nothing will piss me off more than if you treat me like, or insinuate that, I'm a whore. Especially, if you treat me like a cheap one.
Nothing will piss me off more than if you treat me like, or insinuate that, I'm a whore. Especially, if you treat me like a cheap one.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Military
I don't know why, but I've had the urge to join the army lately. I think I'd really enjoy it. I think it's the idea of doing something good, for the world, that appeals to me. Of, doing something useful, for someone. If only I wasn't overweight and they would take me, I'd might just do it.
As it stands, I feel like I'm leading a hypocrital life, of a skinny girl, when I'm really a fat girl. I should be eating McDonald's and spending my evenings in front of the TV. Instead, I avoid eating out and get cranky if I don't get in an hour of physical activity each day.
As it stands, I feel like I'm leading a hypocrital life, of a skinny girl, when I'm really a fat girl. I should be eating McDonald's and spending my evenings in front of the TV. Instead, I avoid eating out and get cranky if I don't get in an hour of physical activity each day.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Bradley Ryan Cooper Where Are You?
It's never going to stop hurting. It's never going to stop hurting that no one wanted me.
Mummies With My Mommy
The guy I mentioned earlier? The one I kind of liked? Never messaged me back. =( In fact, his profile has been deleted. Don't know if he deleted it or if his account was deleted, but it doesn't matter. Sad Panda.
My leg is still hurting but not as bad when I walk. I started to walk this morning when it started up, so I decided to stop walking. I'm hoping if I just let it heal, it will be done with sooner. I don't even remember hurting it.
But not exercising is killing me.
I went to the Mummies of the World exhibit, yesterday, with my mother. It was cool but not really worth the price of the admission. The museum is really looking run down and needs a face lift. It's sad, really, to see what is valued in today's world. And art, culture, and education is not.
I went to Berlington Coat Factory, as well, to look for a new winter coat. My old one is too big for me. I went there because I recall them having a lot of jackets to pick from. It wasn't about price but finding something I liked. Boy was that place the pits. I thought Ross was bad but this place won hands down. Never again will I shop there. It isn't about price. I want what I like whether it costs $20 or $200. Do I like it? Does it look good?
I ended up finding a gray leather jacket that I liked for $20. But, never again will I shop there. Geez. Poor people and stuff sucks.
My leg is still hurting but not as bad when I walk. I started to walk this morning when it started up, so I decided to stop walking. I'm hoping if I just let it heal, it will be done with sooner. I don't even remember hurting it.
But not exercising is killing me.
I went to the Mummies of the World exhibit, yesterday, with my mother. It was cool but not really worth the price of the admission. The museum is really looking run down and needs a face lift. It's sad, really, to see what is valued in today's world. And art, culture, and education is not.
I went to Berlington Coat Factory, as well, to look for a new winter coat. My old one is too big for me. I went there because I recall them having a lot of jackets to pick from. It wasn't about price but finding something I liked. Boy was that place the pits. I thought Ross was bad but this place won hands down. Never again will I shop there. It isn't about price. I want what I like whether it costs $20 or $200. Do I like it? Does it look good?
I ended up finding a gray leather jacket that I liked for $20. But, never again will I shop there. Geez. Poor people and stuff sucks.
Monday, October 08, 2012
Awkward and Hilarious
Because it is Columbus Day, I don't have work. For the past 4 weeks, each Saturday, I've been having headaches. I've been trying to figure out the cause for years now. I've come to the conclusion that it is completely mental. That I hate the weekends so much, my body just gets these headaches.
So, Saturday I was doing good until noon, when it hit me while I was hiking in a State Park. I was in tears for the rest of the day it hurt so bad. Sunday, in the morning, I still had a little left but then was good in the afternoon... only... when I went walking in the afternoon, my right knee started hurt. I hope I just pulled something and it will be okay in a few days. I don't recall doing anything to hurt it.
This morning it still hurts. So that means no cardio for me today - which is killing me. I'll have to double down on the strength.
Anyways, when I went to enter the State Park on Saturday, turns out I do have G's card. So that means he has mine. I knew my card expired in September and I wasn't crazy. That explains why the expiration date was different. Anyways, I've been using his pass this whole time and no one noticed. Since mine is expired, I just purchased a new one. Problem, on my side, solved.
But his card is still good. If I had a mailing address, I'd just mail it to him. But, I don't and I don't want to contact him to give it to him because that is just awkward. Apparently he hasn't been using his card or noticed yet. He can always contact me if he wants it back.
I hope this day goes quickly. It's just started and already I want it over. I wish my leg wasn't killing me. What I really want to do is go out hiking!
So, Saturday I was doing good until noon, when it hit me while I was hiking in a State Park. I was in tears for the rest of the day it hurt so bad. Sunday, in the morning, I still had a little left but then was good in the afternoon... only... when I went walking in the afternoon, my right knee started hurt. I hope I just pulled something and it will be okay in a few days. I don't recall doing anything to hurt it.
This morning it still hurts. So that means no cardio for me today - which is killing me. I'll have to double down on the strength.
Anyways, when I went to enter the State Park on Saturday, turns out I do have G's card. So that means he has mine. I knew my card expired in September and I wasn't crazy. That explains why the expiration date was different. Anyways, I've been using his pass this whole time and no one noticed. Since mine is expired, I just purchased a new one. Problem, on my side, solved.
But his card is still good. If I had a mailing address, I'd just mail it to him. But, I don't and I don't want to contact him to give it to him because that is just awkward. Apparently he hasn't been using his card or noticed yet. He can always contact me if he wants it back.
I hope this day goes quickly. It's just started and already I want it over. I wish my leg wasn't killing me. What I really want to do is go out hiking!
Friday, October 05, 2012
WIIFM
Women are the gatekeepers to sexuality, men are the gatekeepers to commitment.
I'm more than willing to give you all the sex you want. All you have to give me is commitment. It doesn't sound all that hard to me.
I hate it when I hear divorced people say stuff like, "I just wasn't lucky with who I picked for my first marriage and that is why it failed" or "They changed." or whatever.
Newsflash - people who don't divorce? It's not luck. And, Newsflash, people ALWAYS change.
If your relationship failed, it failed only because of your lack of willingness to make it work. Pure and simple. I have a list of things I'm looking for in a man. It really isn't that long or picky of a list. I find men who meet it ALL the time. And, I could make a happy relationship work until the end of time with ANY of these men. I just need to find one of these men who wants to trade commitment for sex, with me.
I'm more than willing to give you all the sex you want. All you have to give me is commitment. It doesn't sound all that hard to me.
I hate it when I hear divorced people say stuff like, "I just wasn't lucky with who I picked for my first marriage and that is why it failed" or "They changed." or whatever.
Newsflash - people who don't divorce? It's not luck. And, Newsflash, people ALWAYS change.
If your relationship failed, it failed only because of your lack of willingness to make it work. Pure and simple. I have a list of things I'm looking for in a man. It really isn't that long or picky of a list. I find men who meet it ALL the time. And, I could make a happy relationship work until the end of time with ANY of these men. I just need to find one of these men who wants to trade commitment for sex, with me.
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Happy Thursday
A new guy messaged me on Tuesday, who I really liked. We exchanged messaged for about an hour before I had to stop for bed. I was hoping to hear from him yesterday, but not a peep. I guess he wasn't as interested as he lead me to believe. Totally bummed.
Plus, last night, I weighed in at 163. At the end of the day, I'm always my highest and I tend to lose 3 pounds by the morning. So, I was really excited to see some 160 action. No such luck. Weighed in at 161.2. No progress on that front. But, my body fat percentage was the lowest it has been.
Plus, last night, I weighed in at 163. At the end of the day, I'm always my highest and I tend to lose 3 pounds by the morning. So, I was really excited to see some 160 action. No such luck. Weighed in at 161.2. No progress on that front. But, my body fat percentage was the lowest it has been.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
No Eye Candy
Did you know, not a single fatigue wearing person was spotted at lunch today. It's like they knew I was coming and decided to avoid me. =( Or maybe it was casual Tuesday, you don't have to wear your fatigues today!
Their loss! They didn't get to see sexy amazing me in my dress and heals.
Their loss! They didn't get to see sexy amazing me in my dress and heals.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Moon and Sun
Did you see the moon at sunset on Sunday? A large orange orb low in the sky. It was amazing. And the sun this Monday sunrise? A larger orange orb rising in the sky. Really spectacular. And, you could still see the full blue/gray moon in the sky as the sun rose.
Eye Candy Eye Candy Eye Candy
Tomorrow, my friend and I are going to Jersey Mike's for lunch. If you go during the lunch hour, there is a ton of military eye candy eating lunch at the place. I can't wait! Fun Times!
Despite the playful post above, it's time for me to put my big girl panties on and makes some grown up decisions. I have to decide if I want to renew my lease - I did, I signed it, and now I need to confirm if there is anything else I need to do with it. It's ironic that this time last year I was considering moving to San Francisco at around this time. There was this guy (isn't there always) and I said, give me a year and if we are still going strong, I'll move out to Cali when my lease is up. We see how that went.
I need to renew my renters insurance.
I need to renew my car insurance.
I need to re-enroll in my medical benefits at work and decide how I want to do them.
I need to enroll in my company's 401K plan and start putting in 6% because that is what they will match. I need to decide how I want that money in the 401K invested.
Despite the playful post above, it's time for me to put my big girl panties on and makes some grown up decisions. I have to decide if I want to renew my lease - I did, I signed it, and now I need to confirm if there is anything else I need to do with it. It's ironic that this time last year I was considering moving to San Francisco at around this time. There was this guy (isn't there always) and I said, give me a year and if we are still going strong, I'll move out to Cali when my lease is up. We see how that went.
I need to renew my renters insurance.
I need to renew my car insurance.
I need to re-enroll in my medical benefits at work and decide how I want to do them.
I need to enroll in my company's 401K plan and start putting in 6% because that is what they will match. I need to decide how I want that money in the 401K invested.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
I Hate the Weekends
I hate the weekends so much. I'm always so bored. The only thing I look forward to is hiking and I couldn't do it this weekend because of the rain. =(
I made a Rainbow Brite cake for a friend's birthday. I'm about to go over to her house to celebrate, as soon as my nails dry.
I got my strapless bra. 34DDD or 34F, take your pick, and it fits pretty good. Guess that is my current bra size.
Took my blood pressure. 119/75. So that is good.
I made a Rainbow Brite cake for a friend's birthday. I'm about to go over to her house to celebrate, as soon as my nails dry.
I got my strapless bra. 34DDD or 34F, take your pick, and it fits pretty good. Guess that is my current bra size.
Took my blood pressure. 119/75. So that is good.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Fashion Week
I like fashion. I like shopping. I like trying to look as good as my ugliness will allow me too.
This weeks wardrobe:
Monday:
Stretch black pencil skirt, black tank top, black and white tweed jacket, black heel Mary Janes.
The jacket looked something like this.
Tuesday:
Blue and Brown paisley sundress with brown flats.
Wednesday:
Sweeter Dress with Red Wedges.
Thrusday:
Gray and Black baby doll dress, heather gray tights, black boots that look kind of like this.
That is an image of the dress from the back. If you look at the picture before it, you can see it from the front. Plus, the dress looks awful on the person wearing it.
I also purchased a new cocktail dress for my cruise.
This weeks wardrobe:
Monday:
Stretch black pencil skirt, black tank top, black and white tweed jacket, black heel Mary Janes.
The jacket looked something like this.
Tuesday:
Blue and Brown paisley sundress with brown flats.
Wednesday:
Sweeter Dress with Red Wedges.
Thrusday:
Gray and Black baby doll dress, heather gray tights, black boots that look kind of like this.
That is an image of the dress from the back. If you look at the picture before it, you can see it from the front. Plus, the dress looks awful on the person wearing it.
I also purchased a new cocktail dress for my cruise.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Bad Dreams
I don't normally have bad dreams, but I did last night. So much so, that it woke me up. I has vwwb having a pretty decent dream. Involving me and an all male platoon of soldiers. It wasn't all that great. We were stranded and the CO told me to behave and the soldiers that I was off limits. That pretty much meant they treated me like I didn't exist and it was painful. It's one thing to be the last woman alive and still not be wanted by the men - but another not to be treated even as a human.
But, that wasn't the bad dream.
The bad dream came later after that dream led to me hooking up with the second in command. His name was Bradley. Anyways, there were two snakes fighting - a cobra and a coral. I screamed at the snakes and my uncle, brother, and Bradley took care of them. But, then, I was alone and a second coral snake approached me. I screamed to warn my family and for help. No one came. Then my aunt showed up, grabbed the coral snake, and threw it at me.
Bradley, my brother, and uncle finally showed up. I don't know what happened because I fainted in the dream. I woke in real life and tried to tell myself it was a dream and to not think about snakes. I wanted to return to the dream cause I knew copious amounts of sex would ensue with my own personal CO, Bradley. But, dream would and real world, snakes loomed in my conscious bothering me.
In my dreams, I was comforted. In reality, I wished I had someone to reassure me there were no snakes under my bed waiting to hiss at me.
But, that wasn't the bad dream.
The bad dream came later after that dream led to me hooking up with the second in command. His name was Bradley. Anyways, there were two snakes fighting - a cobra and a coral. I screamed at the snakes and my uncle, brother, and Bradley took care of them. But, then, I was alone and a second coral snake approached me. I screamed to warn my family and for help. No one came. Then my aunt showed up, grabbed the coral snake, and threw it at me.
Bradley, my brother, and uncle finally showed up. I don't know what happened because I fainted in the dream. I woke in real life and tried to tell myself it was a dream and to not think about snakes. I wanted to return to the dream cause I knew copious amounts of sex would ensue with my own personal CO, Bradley. But, dream would and real world, snakes loomed in my conscious bothering me.
In my dreams, I was comforted. In reality, I wished I had someone to reassure me there were no snakes under my bed waiting to hiss at me.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
All Out Shopping for the Sexy Single Me
Single or not, fat or not, ugly or not - I'm still determined to look at hot as I possible can. I don't really care if the guys don't appreciated what they don't have.
On top of ordering a 34F swimsuit top and a strapless bra for a whooping 120 bucks on Friday, yesterday I spend the majority of the afternoon shopping with my mom. Their are some stables from my wardrobe that I need to replenish in my size.
Heading to Walmart, I purchased some nude knee highs, a pair of black sweat pants, and a totally cute Halloween Hello Kitty shirt. Turns out I don't need the knee highs so I'm returning them today.
Moving on to Payless, I found a cute pair of pink strapy sandals which I was hoping would match my new pink and white dress (as I don't have any shoes I like to wear with it). The pinks don't match and I'm still debating if I'm going to take them back or not. I also saw a cute pair of red wedges but they didn't have my size. I think I'll go look at another Payless this morning to see if they have them.
Next to JcPenny's where I unloaded a load of cash. They had major Summer clearance. I picked up a cute biniki bottom for a $1, a flowing shirt, cargo pants, black and white tank top undershirts, a pencil skirt, and a cocktail dress (also pencil skirt design).
The pencils skirt and dress are very dareing for me but I'm trying to embrace my body, curves, and love it. You definately see my smaller waist, big chest, wide hips and big butt. I'm hoping this is a step in a positive direction.
I then purchased a white eyelet dress from Catos foe $4!. It is off the shoulder and fits like a glove. Getting a white dress is also a first for me, but it DOES look good on me.
Heading to Ross, I got a cute gray and black babydoll dress. It is similar to another dress I own which is almost too big now.
Last stop was another shoe store where I purchased a pair of brown flats. But, I think I'm going to trade them in for a 1/2 size bigger today.
I'm off to relook at my loot and decide what is staying and what is going.
On top of ordering a 34F swimsuit top and a strapless bra for a whooping 120 bucks on Friday, yesterday I spend the majority of the afternoon shopping with my mom. Their are some stables from my wardrobe that I need to replenish in my size.
Heading to Walmart, I purchased some nude knee highs, a pair of black sweat pants, and a totally cute Halloween Hello Kitty shirt. Turns out I don't need the knee highs so I'm returning them today.
Moving on to Payless, I found a cute pair of pink strapy sandals which I was hoping would match my new pink and white dress (as I don't have any shoes I like to wear with it). The pinks don't match and I'm still debating if I'm going to take them back or not. I also saw a cute pair of red wedges but they didn't have my size. I think I'll go look at another Payless this morning to see if they have them.
Next to JcPenny's where I unloaded a load of cash. They had major Summer clearance. I picked up a cute biniki bottom for a $1, a flowing shirt, cargo pants, black and white tank top undershirts, a pencil skirt, and a cocktail dress (also pencil skirt design).
The pencils skirt and dress are very dareing for me but I'm trying to embrace my body, curves, and love it. You definately see my smaller waist, big chest, wide hips and big butt. I'm hoping this is a step in a positive direction.
I then purchased a white eyelet dress from Catos foe $4!. It is off the shoulder and fits like a glove. Getting a white dress is also a first for me, but it DOES look good on me.
Heading to Ross, I got a cute gray and black babydoll dress. It is similar to another dress I own which is almost too big now.
Last stop was another shoe store where I purchased a pair of brown flats. But, I think I'm going to trade them in for a 1/2 size bigger today.
I'm off to relook at my loot and decide what is staying and what is going.
Friday, September 21, 2012
2 Bras Poorer
I just spent $120 dollars on a strapless bra and a swimsuit top made like a bra. Turns out I'm a 34F now which means I have to spend a shit load of money if I want a bra that size.
Seems I can't lose weight in my girlie bits - thighs, ass, hips, boobs.
Seems I can't lose weight in my girlie bits - thighs, ass, hips, boobs.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
MBA
So, I really had no desire to ever get an advanced degree, but lately I've been so bored, I'm seriously considering going back to get an MBA. It will keep me busy for the next 3 years but set me back $100,000.
I need to weigh the pros and the cons.
Mainly, since it doesn't look like I'm ever going to get a husband and family to take care of, I might as well focus on being solely a career woman.
I need to weigh the pros and the cons.
Mainly, since it doesn't look like I'm ever going to get a husband and family to take care of, I might as well focus on being solely a career woman.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Time UnTimed
5,125 years ago, an advanced humanoid race of
species went exploring the universe. In their journey, they visited the
planet Earth. They found the planet inhabited by a primitive species
of humans and so they hide their superior technology and mingled with
the humans.
This alien group was led by the 2nd son of their ruler. While on Earth, the 2nd
son fell in love with one of the native girls. However, the
chieftain’s son and heir to the tribe also desired this girl. The
tribe’s custom was such that the Chieftain’s son should have his pick of
brides from among all the women. Incensed that the girl he wanted
loved another, he had her killed rather than let another have her.
This in turned, angered the 2nd
son. He and his men left only to return with all their technology and
power. They appeared as gods to the primitive tribe. As payment for
the girl’s life, the 2nd son demanded the life of the
chieftain’s son. Despairing of losing their next leader, all the tribe
begged and pleaded for forgiveness and mercy.
The 2nd
son agreed to spare the chieftain’s son provided that someone else, of
their own free will, volunteered to take his place. After 7 day’s time,
no one had come forward to take the chieftain’s son place. Having seen
the true nature of these humans, the 2nd son destroyed them all but spared the chieftain’s son.
The 2nd
son told the chieftain’s son that the death of his people was payment
for the girl’s life he had taken. He would spare his own life, but the
debt of one other person’s life, offer of their own free will, was yet
to be paid. The 2nd son said he would return 5,125 years from this day (one year for for each day the girl had lived) to collect the debt owed.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Married/Seperated
I can't even begin to describe the disdain I have for married or separated people who try (or do) cheat or date others while they are still married. Separated = married. No, if, ands, or buts.
When someone who is separated messages me, I politely tell them I'm not interested in married men and wish them luck. When they message me back with some sob story about why they are not divorced, how they are almost divorced, or why I should give them props for being honest about their martial status - I am not so polite anymore.
First, married men are not even on my radar as potential mates. So, until you are divorced, you are off limits to a girl like me. Second, even after your divorce, my experience tells me that you would not be ready for a serious relationship for at least a year. I'm looking for marriage, not a roll in the hay. I'm a girl who is worth more than that. Third, any guy who thinks it is okay to date other women when he is still married, even if separated, if not the type of man I'm looking for. Our core beliefs about love, relationships, loyalty, and marriage differ too much.
There is some switch in my head that doesn't make me even vaguely attracted to attached men (married, engaged, or in a relationship). My friend went to lunch today in an area which is populated by a lot of soldiers. She texted me, "So many soldiers, so little you." But you know, if these men are in a relationship, no matter how hunkilious (and I do love me a military man) I just can't get turned on if they are not single. Single eye candy = good. Attached eye candy = not eye candy.
When someone who is separated messages me, I politely tell them I'm not interested in married men and wish them luck. When they message me back with some sob story about why they are not divorced, how they are almost divorced, or why I should give them props for being honest about their martial status - I am not so polite anymore.
First, married men are not even on my radar as potential mates. So, until you are divorced, you are off limits to a girl like me. Second, even after your divorce, my experience tells me that you would not be ready for a serious relationship for at least a year. I'm looking for marriage, not a roll in the hay. I'm a girl who is worth more than that. Third, any guy who thinks it is okay to date other women when he is still married, even if separated, if not the type of man I'm looking for. Our core beliefs about love, relationships, loyalty, and marriage differ too much.
There is some switch in my head that doesn't make me even vaguely attracted to attached men (married, engaged, or in a relationship). My friend went to lunch today in an area which is populated by a lot of soldiers. She texted me, "So many soldiers, so little you." But you know, if these men are in a relationship, no matter how hunkilious (and I do love me a military man) I just can't get turned on if they are not single. Single eye candy = good. Attached eye candy = not eye candy.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Day Spa Coming to You
So, you know how there are the health, wellness, and fitness resorts that people pay tons of money to stay at for a week? They might lose 5 pounds and then gain it all back when they return home? You know they ones. I had an idea for a spa company that comes to you rather than you going to them. They come into your life and your home and guide and make over everything to help lead you to a happier you.
I think it wouldn't be cheap, but it is a cool and interesting idea.
I think it wouldn't be cheap, but it is a cool and interesting idea.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Trouble With Weight Loss - Losing It For Myself Now
I had this same problem a year ago, when I was 175. No matter what, I couldn't get past the 175ish mark. I started gaining and I couldn't tell why. Now, the same thing is happening again. I can't get past the 165ish mark. I got down just past 163 and then shot up 8 pounds in a week (don't ask my how I gained 8 pounds when I was eatting just like normal but hiking all day long each day). The next week I lost a pound a day until I got back to 165. I can't seem to get past that mark.
Up to this point, all the past 4 years (almost 5 now) have been to lose weight to get a man. That and that alone. Based on the last online dating message, it made me realize that no matter how much weight I lose or how hard I try - it is never going to be good enough. If I lose another 35 pounds are the guys going to magically like me at 130? At 165 the amount of attentions I'm getting is barely higher than what I got at 260. So, I really don't think so.
I think my singleness isn't based on my weight so much as the fact that I'm never going to be good enough for a guy that *I want*.
I'm a fucking awesome woman. I'm not for everyone. Some men like crazy stupid fucked up sluts. But if you are not one of those men, I'm your marriage material wet dream. I'm easy going and fun. I tell you what I want and what I'm thinking rather then saying "you should know." I'm not a purse chaser. I'm high maintenance enough to look good for you but low maintenance enough that your quality of life won't be effected by my high maintenance. I'm loyal and would never cheat. I'm considerate. I would treat you like a king. I love sex and would fuck you however, whenever, and as much as you would like. I'm not bat ass crazy. I'm educated and smart. I have a fucking good job. I'm not a slut. I don't have a baby, baby daddy, ex, or STD drama. I haven't slept with a small town. I don't smoke and don't do drugs. I don't have a record. I'm not in debt - I actually have a savings. I have moral, I'm honest, and I live with a level of integrity that is foreign to most people. I don't play games. I'm considerate of you and not everything is about me me me. In short, I'm perfect...
Except...
I'm fat and ugly...
And you know what...
I don't fucking care anymore...
Guys can't kept there hot ass stupid hoes who they will end up divorcing 5 years later...
I'm losing weight for myself now...
So that 20 years from now when you hate your 260 fat as bitch of a wife, you can drool over my 50 year old self that looks like a 130 pound 30 year old hot piece of ass.
If I'm not good enough for you at 165, you're not good enough for me at 130.
Up to this point, all the past 4 years (almost 5 now) have been to lose weight to get a man. That and that alone. Based on the last online dating message, it made me realize that no matter how much weight I lose or how hard I try - it is never going to be good enough. If I lose another 35 pounds are the guys going to magically like me at 130? At 165 the amount of attentions I'm getting is barely higher than what I got at 260. So, I really don't think so.
I think my singleness isn't based on my weight so much as the fact that I'm never going to be good enough for a guy that *I want*.
I'm a fucking awesome woman. I'm not for everyone. Some men like crazy stupid fucked up sluts. But if you are not one of those men, I'm your marriage material wet dream. I'm easy going and fun. I tell you what I want and what I'm thinking rather then saying "you should know." I'm not a purse chaser. I'm high maintenance enough to look good for you but low maintenance enough that your quality of life won't be effected by my high maintenance. I'm loyal and would never cheat. I'm considerate. I would treat you like a king. I love sex and would fuck you however, whenever, and as much as you would like. I'm not bat ass crazy. I'm educated and smart. I have a fucking good job. I'm not a slut. I don't have a baby, baby daddy, ex, or STD drama. I haven't slept with a small town. I don't smoke and don't do drugs. I don't have a record. I'm not in debt - I actually have a savings. I have moral, I'm honest, and I live with a level of integrity that is foreign to most people. I don't play games. I'm considerate of you and not everything is about me me me. In short, I'm perfect...
Except...
I'm fat and ugly...
And you know what...
I don't fucking care anymore...
Guys can't kept there hot ass stupid hoes who they will end up divorcing 5 years later...
I'm losing weight for myself now...
So that 20 years from now when you hate your 260 fat as bitch of a wife, you can drool over my 50 year old self that looks like a 130 pound 30 year old hot piece of ass.
If I'm not good enough for you at 165, you're not good enough for me at 130.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Snakes
I was walking outside my apartment and walked by a snake in the parking lot. Anyone who knows me knows snakes are on of my top 3 banes. We hates them. *shudder* I'm not sure I'll be walking outside in the mornings for a while, anymore.
I don't know if that is something I should report to the apartment or not.
I don't know if that is something I should report to the apartment or not.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
11 Years
I can't believe it has already been 11 years since 9/11. It doesn't seem that long. A few weeks after 9/11, I thought, I wonder if this day will be one that grandchildren ask their grandparents about. Will our grandchildren ask us if we remembered what we did when we learned about 9/11 like I asked my grandparents if they remember what they were doing when they learned JFK has been shot?
Do you remember what you were doing when you first heard about 9/11? I do. It was a few weeks after I graduated from college. I was living in an apartment which I shared with my brother. I woke up, turned on the TV, and saw the news. As I watched in horror as the plane crashed, as people jumped from the buildings, I could only cry. Yep, I wept. I wept for the senseless murder of innocent people. I wept for the families left behind. I wept for those last moments of those innocent people as they knew death was moments away.
Do you remember what you were doing when you first heard about 9/11? I do. It was a few weeks after I graduated from college. I was living in an apartment which I shared with my brother. I woke up, turned on the TV, and saw the news. As I watched in horror as the plane crashed, as people jumped from the buildings, I could only cry. Yep, I wept. I wept for the senseless murder of innocent people. I wept for the families left behind. I wept for those last moments of those innocent people as they knew death was moments away.
Sunday, September 09, 2012
My latest message from a Dating Site:
I think the words in your profile are the most moving, beautiful words
I've seen a girl say. This is exactly what we all want but no
one wants to say it.
I'm not here to suggest myself. I'm not ready for a relationship. What I want to do is suggest to you what needs to be done to find the love of your life!
You know it too. I am telling you because I want to help.
You need to lose wait by diet and exercise. You need to sculpt your body. Everything else is ready.
I hope this helps you and you don't get offended.
If you ever wonder why I write the words I do, if you ever wonder why I have sorrow in my heart, re-read that. Out of the blue, he felt the need to insult me and tell me I'm not good enough because of my body. I'll never be fucking good enough for anyone. Everything else is ready, just you're too fat and ugly for any guy to desire or even fuck. You're defective and unless you change you'll always be defective. But hey, don't be offended, I just meant to help.
There's a place that i know
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone
if i show it to you now
will it make you run away
or will you stay
even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out will you return?
and remind me who i really am
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
like a diamond from black dust
it's hard to know what can become
If you give up
so don't give up on me
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
don't run away
don't run away
just tell me that you will stay
promise me you will stay
don't run away
don't run away
just promise me you will stay
promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
I'm not here to suggest myself. I'm not ready for a relationship. What I want to do is suggest to you what needs to be done to find the love of your life!
You know it too. I am telling you because I want to help.
You need to lose wait by diet and exercise. You need to sculpt your body. Everything else is ready.
I hope this helps you and you don't get offended.
If you ever wonder why I write the words I do, if you ever wonder why I have sorrow in my heart, re-read that. Out of the blue, he felt the need to insult me and tell me I'm not good enough because of my body. I'll never be fucking good enough for anyone. Everything else is ready, just you're too fat and ugly for any guy to desire or even fuck. You're defective and unless you change you'll always be defective. But hey, don't be offended, I just meant to help.
There's a place that i know
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone
if i show it to you now
will it make you run away
or will you stay
even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out will you return?
and remind me who i really am
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
like a diamond from black dust
it's hard to know what can become
If you give up
so don't give up on me
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
don't run away
don't run away
just tell me that you will stay
promise me you will stay
don't run away
don't run away
just promise me you will stay
promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Back from Camping - Vacation Almost Over
All this week, I've had off. I went camping with my folks. I've learned to never go camping with my father again. He is just not a camper and going camping with a non-camper is painful.
Despite that, the views where stunning. The night sky looking like a planetarium. The world silhouetted in black with the only color the blue and white of the lake, with the orange glow of sunset on the horizon. Breathtaking. The stars fading above you as the sun rises. Feeling free, in the wind, as I swing on a playground - like riding a bike, you never forget how to swing. Watching dozens of lizards run away as I hike up an granite rock, to view a canyon below, as the sun beats down on me. Sitting in a camp chair, watching the flames of an open camp fire flick upwards towards the sky. Hiking an unknown path before sunrise by flashlight.
God, I wish so much that I had someone, anyone, to share those moments with. My parents just can't do it anymore. And, my friends, no matter how wonderful, are just not into hiking and camping like I am. My father says he knows why all the guys run away from me now - "they can't keep up with me and I tire them out". I may be a fat girl, but I have a ton of energy with a twist of adventuresome spirit. I just want to find someone to share all these wonderful memories and moments that I know exist in this world, just waiting for people to be brave enough to reach out and grab them.
G isn't going to pop back into my life. If he was, it would have been this weekend that he contacted me, and he didn't. I guess he really didn't like me at all. Why do guy do that to me, why do they lie? How can you go on more than 3 dates with someone and not give a shit about them? I really really really liked G but it doesn't matter cause he... he probably will never think about me again. Time to let go and move on, just like I do every other time. I know forever and happy ever after exists. I've seen it with all my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles.
You can't control the heart. I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I liked G so much. It just was how I felt. Just like he just didn't feel the same about me. I want to focus right now on trying to lose those last 35 pounds I need to lose, and then I can focus more on dating. With the weight off, I'll have more options romantically and I'll stand a better chance of finding someone who likes me and who I'll like too.
Hang in there girl, and go get 'em! You're a wonderful person. And someone would be lucky to have you by their side. Just keep your heart whole, your eyes open, and your head held high. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe this will be the day that your dreams start to come true.
I think I'll go hiking in Eisenhower Park tomorrow morning!
Despite that, the views where stunning. The night sky looking like a planetarium. The world silhouetted in black with the only color the blue and white of the lake, with the orange glow of sunset on the horizon. Breathtaking. The stars fading above you as the sun rises. Feeling free, in the wind, as I swing on a playground - like riding a bike, you never forget how to swing. Watching dozens of lizards run away as I hike up an granite rock, to view a canyon below, as the sun beats down on me. Sitting in a camp chair, watching the flames of an open camp fire flick upwards towards the sky. Hiking an unknown path before sunrise by flashlight.
God, I wish so much that I had someone, anyone, to share those moments with. My parents just can't do it anymore. And, my friends, no matter how wonderful, are just not into hiking and camping like I am. My father says he knows why all the guys run away from me now - "they can't keep up with me and I tire them out". I may be a fat girl, but I have a ton of energy with a twist of adventuresome spirit. I just want to find someone to share all these wonderful memories and moments that I know exist in this world, just waiting for people to be brave enough to reach out and grab them.
G isn't going to pop back into my life. If he was, it would have been this weekend that he contacted me, and he didn't. I guess he really didn't like me at all. Why do guy do that to me, why do they lie? How can you go on more than 3 dates with someone and not give a shit about them? I really really really liked G but it doesn't matter cause he... he probably will never think about me again. Time to let go and move on, just like I do every other time. I know forever and happy ever after exists. I've seen it with all my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles.
You can't control the heart. I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I liked G so much. It just was how I felt. Just like he just didn't feel the same about me. I want to focus right now on trying to lose those last 35 pounds I need to lose, and then I can focus more on dating. With the weight off, I'll have more options romantically and I'll stand a better chance of finding someone who likes me and who I'll like too.
Hang in there girl, and go get 'em! You're a wonderful person. And someone would be lucky to have you by their side. Just keep your heart whole, your eyes open, and your head held high. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe this will be the day that your dreams start to come true.
I think I'll go hiking in Eisenhower Park tomorrow morning!
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
One is the loneliest number
I'm lonely. I wish I had someone at my side. I miss G. Damn, I really liked him a lot. I really hoped he was going to reach out to me again, if for nothing else but to really explain why he just vanished.
Maybe in another 8 months someone else will come along that I like half as much as I liked G and maybe they will stick around twice at long. =)
I'm off to play from DDR and try to get some exercise/activity in.
Maybe in another 8 months someone else will come along that I like half as much as I liked G and maybe they will stick around twice at long. =)
I'm off to play from DDR and try to get some exercise/activity in.
A Good Life
I spent Labor Day with my parent's and brother. I spend some time alone with both my Father and Mother and both of them started telling me about a family friend of ours.
He isn't much older than I, single, never married, no kids. He is a handyman. Good looking guy. He works from sun-up until after11 at night. He doesn't have insurance and makes about $1000 a month for all his hard work. He was diagnosed with cancer recently. They did surgery and thought they had gotten it all. Further tests showed they did not. He has full blow cancer on vital organs like his liver. The cancer is most likely terminal. He has to become a ward of the state, otherwise there is no way to pay for all of this. And, his upcoming surgery is going to keep him from working for a long time. No heavy lifting. So, he won't be able to make the little money he does. His parent's will most likely be helping him out while he recovers.
However, his Mom isn't doing too well herself. I know they just moved out of their current home because the guy they are renting from jacked up the rent. I'm not sure where they are living. I think with their other son. The Mom just had surgery on done of her foot. The other foot is going to have surgery on it, in the near future. And, she is also going in for heart surgery soon. On top of all that, I do recall the sister, going in for some major surgery less than a year ago.
And it made me think. Bad stuff like that hasn't happened to me. I see people all the time suffering through hardships like these. Lack of money, can't find work, health issues. I've suffered some of those things, but never as much as all this. All in all, I have a pretty damn good life.
I'm healthy, I have my apartment, food, and a good job. I have insurance, all types. I have money in the bank. If something bad happens, I have a nice stash to take care of it.
They only think I don't have is the one thing I want more than anything in this world. The thing I'd give anything to have. Love and a family of my own.
I'm not exactly sure why no man wants to be with me. I'm in a good place in life. I don't have drama and I'm stable. I would only serve to enhance his quality of life, not worsen it.
And... I found a pink camo camping chair and fly swatter. Always seem to be ahead of the game with my stylish fashions, don't I. Anyways, I had to purchase those to add to my camping collection!
He isn't much older than I, single, never married, no kids. He is a handyman. Good looking guy. He works from sun-up until after11 at night. He doesn't have insurance and makes about $1000 a month for all his hard work. He was diagnosed with cancer recently. They did surgery and thought they had gotten it all. Further tests showed they did not. He has full blow cancer on vital organs like his liver. The cancer is most likely terminal. He has to become a ward of the state, otherwise there is no way to pay for all of this. And, his upcoming surgery is going to keep him from working for a long time. No heavy lifting. So, he won't be able to make the little money he does. His parent's will most likely be helping him out while he recovers.
However, his Mom isn't doing too well herself. I know they just moved out of their current home because the guy they are renting from jacked up the rent. I'm not sure where they are living. I think with their other son. The Mom just had surgery on done of her foot. The other foot is going to have surgery on it, in the near future. And, she is also going in for heart surgery soon. On top of all that, I do recall the sister, going in for some major surgery less than a year ago.
And it made me think. Bad stuff like that hasn't happened to me. I see people all the time suffering through hardships like these. Lack of money, can't find work, health issues. I've suffered some of those things, but never as much as all this. All in all, I have a pretty damn good life.
I'm healthy, I have my apartment, food, and a good job. I have insurance, all types. I have money in the bank. If something bad happens, I have a nice stash to take care of it.
They only think I don't have is the one thing I want more than anything in this world. The thing I'd give anything to have. Love and a family of my own.
I'm not exactly sure why no man wants to be with me. I'm in a good place in life. I don't have drama and I'm stable. I would only serve to enhance his quality of life, not worsen it.
And... I found a pink camo camping chair and fly swatter. Always seem to be ahead of the game with my stylish fashions, don't I. Anyways, I had to purchase those to add to my camping collection!
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Sunday Lineup
Hertiage Duck Pond - Lots of duckies
Hertiage Neighborhood Pool - Don't know how this got on the park listing
City Park - Apparently an unnamed baseball/soccer field for the kiddies.
Ended up going back to Buddy Calk Park.
Tomorrow... hmm, I think I'll try...
Westwood Village
MeadowCliff
Lackland Terrace
Tom Slick Park
Or some of them.
Hertiage Neighborhood Pool - Don't know how this got on the park listing
City Park - Apparently an unnamed baseball/soccer field for the kiddies.
Ended up going back to Buddy Calk Park.
Tomorrow... hmm, I think I'll try...
Westwood Village
MeadowCliff
Lackland Terrace
Tom Slick Park
Or some of them.
Saturday, September 01, 2012
More Parks
Let's see, I can mark the following off my list:
Bonnie Corner
Spring Time Park
Fox Park Trailhead
Bamberger
Buddy Calk Trailhead -*
Leon Vista Trailhead
Walmart Trailhead
Phil Hardberger Park
Bonnie Corner
Spring Time Park
Fox Park Trailhead
Bamberger
Buddy Calk Trailhead -*
Leon Vista Trailhead
Walmart Trailhead
Phil Hardberger Park
Friday, August 31, 2012
Beautiful Moon
This morning there was a beautiful moon greeting me for my early morning walk. Full, with clouds rolling over it. It's the type of morning sky I just want to make love to my special man underneath.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Words to Live by:
When was the last time you rose, victorious, like a phoenix from the ashes?
Anyone can be burned, crushed, consumed. But not everyone chooses to rise. Grace is the air that turns our cinders to ashes and our ashes to wings. Rise. Then rise again.
Anyone can be burned, crushed, consumed. But not everyone chooses to rise. Grace is the air that turns our cinders to ashes and our ashes to wings. Rise. Then rise again.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Resonate
Have you ever met someone you just resonated with? I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe, in our lives, we encounter people who, from the first interaction with them - we are just pulled towards. Not just physical or mental. But on a deeper level. There is something primal and deeper that draws us towards that person.
In my life there have been two men like that. Funny thing, apparently neither of them felt the same way about me. But both B and G managed to lure me in so effortlessly. I felt a sort of peace, happiness, and sense of home around them. And yet, at the same time, excitement and passion.
These were men whom I don't think I would ever get tired of trying to figure out, listen to, or hanging out with. These are men I think I could never be ashamed of and I think I would never get enough of.
I wonder if anyone will ever feel about me, the way I felt about these two men? I wonder if either of these men had a clue how I felt about them?
In my life there have been two men like that. Funny thing, apparently neither of them felt the same way about me. But both B and G managed to lure me in so effortlessly. I felt a sort of peace, happiness, and sense of home around them. And yet, at the same time, excitement and passion.
These were men whom I don't think I would ever get tired of trying to figure out, listen to, or hanging out with. These are men I think I could never be ashamed of and I think I would never get enough of.
I wonder if anyone will ever feel about me, the way I felt about these two men? I wonder if either of these men had a clue how I felt about them?
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rose Rose Red Rose
Wall to wall blood red velvety rose petals painted the floor - as far at the eyes could see. The dome cover was a sky the hues of pre-dawn blue. Clouds races visable over my head. The only thing I wore was a short dress. No, that wasn't right. A negligee was more accurate. Black, and so sheer, I might as well been wearing nothing. High-waisted to support my breasts, it fell to my knees. The sleeves came to my mid-upper arm but were slit to expose more. The material was so soft, I felt like I was swathed in wind and air.
As I stepped forward, I realized I really was standing in a sea of petals. Unseen under the petals laid a few inches of water. As I made my way, I started to notice star shaped candled floating in the red water, serving as guides on my journey.
Finally, I stopped and before me appeared the largest four poster bass bed I had ever seen. It was covered in red satin sheets that matched the rose petals. Black curtains, made of material much like what I was wearing, swayed in unfelt wind.
I stared at the empty bed as if something was missing. I turned around, as if I was expecting someone, any second, but no one came. I turned back to the bed and then, a wisp, a shade of a shape appeared reclining on top of the sheet covers.
Moonlight Sonata started playing as I squinted and stepped closer to make out the figure. And then I growled as I recognized who it was. I jumped on the bed and waved my hands though the shape to make it dissipate into smoke. Just because he was the only man I currently wanted in my bed doesn't mean I was going to dream about him!
I hugged a pillow to my chest and shouted enough. No more, do something different. The music switched to Canon in D. No! No! Anything but that. That song had special meaning to me and I didn't want to be reminded of that right now. Greensleeves I thought. Play Greensleeves. It started as an eerie piano version. I sunk lower into the bed. It was quit comfortable.
I changed my mind. Taps, play me Taps. I want to listen to Taps. I laid down, singing quietly, "Day is done. Gone the Sun." I continued silently in my head as I closed my eyes, "From the lake, from the hills, from the sky; All is well, safely rest, God is nigh."'
And in my dream, I slept.
As I stepped forward, I realized I really was standing in a sea of petals. Unseen under the petals laid a few inches of water. As I made my way, I started to notice star shaped candled floating in the red water, serving as guides on my journey.
Finally, I stopped and before me appeared the largest four poster bass bed I had ever seen. It was covered in red satin sheets that matched the rose petals. Black curtains, made of material much like what I was wearing, swayed in unfelt wind.
I stared at the empty bed as if something was missing. I turned around, as if I was expecting someone, any second, but no one came. I turned back to the bed and then, a wisp, a shade of a shape appeared reclining on top of the sheet covers.
Moonlight Sonata started playing as I squinted and stepped closer to make out the figure. And then I growled as I recognized who it was. I jumped on the bed and waved my hands though the shape to make it dissipate into smoke. Just because he was the only man I currently wanted in my bed doesn't mean I was going to dream about him!
I hugged a pillow to my chest and shouted enough. No more, do something different. The music switched to Canon in D. No! No! Anything but that. That song had special meaning to me and I didn't want to be reminded of that right now. Greensleeves I thought. Play Greensleeves. It started as an eerie piano version. I sunk lower into the bed. It was quit comfortable.
I changed my mind. Taps, play me Taps. I want to listen to Taps. I laid down, singing quietly, "Day is done. Gone the Sun." I continued silently in my head as I closed my eyes, "From the lake, from the hills, from the sky; All is well, safely rest, God is nigh."'
And in my dream, I slept.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
New Project
I have long thought it would be fun to visit all the local parks and rate them to see which ones I like best.
So, the ones I have visited:
Brackenridge Park
Cathedral Rock Nature Park
Crownridge Natural Area - *
Eisenhower Park - *
Friedrich Wilderness Park - *
Japanese Tea Garden
McAllister Park
New Territories Recreation Complex
(O.P.) Schnabel Park - *
Stone Oak Park
I put a star next to the ones I liked.
So, the ones I have visited:
Brackenridge Park
Cathedral Rock Nature Park
Crownridge Natural Area - *
Eisenhower Park - *
Friedrich Wilderness Park - *
Japanese Tea Garden
McAllister Park
New Territories Recreation Complex
(O.P.) Schnabel Park - *
Stone Oak Park
I put a star next to the ones I liked.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I SEEK...
I SEEK...
To be seen as an elogant Lady.
Beautiful on the outside,
To match the Beauty on the inside.
To be seen as a Sexy woman.
Only to the man I love,
as I ride him with passion in the night.
To be full of grace.
Graceful with my movements,
Graceful with my mannerism.
To be kind.
Kind to my enemies,
As I am kind to my friends.
To be liked.
Charisma flowing from my veins,
as those around me enjoy my presence.
To be prepared for all situations.
To dress for each situation appropiately,
to being able to get along with all genres of people.
To be intelligent.
To impress with my wit,
but able to admit with poise my ignorance.
To be able to learn.
To work towards bridging the gap in unfamiliarity,
and to never stop growing.
To be wise.
To never fail to offer a sensible word,
or to offer a shoulder for support.
To be able to say I live with integrity.
To be honest in all things,
And for people to know my word is truth.
To be one breath away from a smile.
To know happiness,
And to see the good in all things.
To be realiable.
For my coworkers to know that I will do as I say,
and to be the one my friends can turn to when they need the most.
To be a haven.
For my friends and family.
For my future lover.
To be peace.
For my friends and family.
For my future lover.
To be passionate.
To never lose the child in my heart,
and never let fear guide my way.
To be a hard worker.
To never lose hope,
and realize that nothing with happen by magic.
To be me.
To know me.
To be the best me.
To be seen as an elogant Lady.
Beautiful on the outside,
To match the Beauty on the inside.
To be seen as a Sexy woman.
Only to the man I love,
as I ride him with passion in the night.
To be full of grace.
Graceful with my movements,
Graceful with my mannerism.
To be kind.
Kind to my enemies,
As I am kind to my friends.
To be liked.
Charisma flowing from my veins,
as those around me enjoy my presence.
To be prepared for all situations.
To dress for each situation appropiately,
to being able to get along with all genres of people.
To be intelligent.
To impress with my wit,
but able to admit with poise my ignorance.
To be able to learn.
To work towards bridging the gap in unfamiliarity,
and to never stop growing.
To be wise.
To never fail to offer a sensible word,
or to offer a shoulder for support.
To be able to say I live with integrity.
To be honest in all things,
And for people to know my word is truth.
To be one breath away from a smile.
To know happiness,
And to see the good in all things.
To be realiable.
For my coworkers to know that I will do as I say,
and to be the one my friends can turn to when they need the most.
To be a haven.
For my friends and family.
For my future lover.
To be peace.
For my friends and family.
For my future lover.
To be passionate.
To never lose the child in my heart,
and never let fear guide my way.
To be a hard worker.
To never lose hope,
and realize that nothing with happen by magic.
To be me.
To know me.
To be the best me.
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