No, I'm not talking about the movie. I'm talking about my life. For the past week, I've been very confused and feel like I'm in a daze. I feel like I'm out of my body and watching someone else's life.
Why? Because I'm embarking on adventure way outside of my normal behavior. Everything inside me is telling me I should run, not walk, run away from this situation because it is only going to end up with me being hurt. Very hurt.
However, a bigger part of my says, "Screw it". I've gone 30 some odd years trying to do it right and be a good girl and it hasn't gotten me anything. If this is the only way I can get just a little bit of what I want, so be it. If I'm dying of thrist, sure, I want water. But, I'll take the piss offered me. It's better than nothing and appearently that is all I'm going to be offered (or maybe that is all I'm worth *shrugs*).
My initial reaction was to say, "No." But after thinking about it, I realized that this might be an opportunity to have some human physical contact, have some fun, and finally get some experience. I have no expectations.
So far, I'm enjoying myself and I'm not regretting my decisions. Let's just hope it stays that way. In the meantime, I'm still hoping that someone will come along who will provide the other things I want in life, like caring, love, and commitment. I haven't given up searching for that elusive dream.
In other news, I finally reach 155. This means that I'm only 1 pound away from switching from obese to simply overweight and that I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm super excited and can't wait to see what changes will happen to my body. I really hope to lose some of my butt, thighs, and hips. I'm not looking to lose my shape or the curves (which I never will because that is just who I am), but I'd just like to trim down some more so the majority of men find what they see attractive.
Although, I don't really need the majority of men. I only need and want one. But, until I find him, it's best to have as many opportunities to find him. The more men attracted, the better my odds at finding my love. =)
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Perhaps he's already come into and out of your life, but you were too busy wallowing in self pity about the love you've lost in the past to even notice what's happening for you in the present.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, your weight has nothing to do with your attractiveness, otherwise you'd still be a virgin. Also, there are men out there who YEARN for an intimate (not just sexual) relationship with a woman and will give his whole heart and soul in a committed relationship.
Absolutely, but who said anything about a committed relationship? All I was offered up was to be fuck buddies. There is no relationship or commitment there.
DeleteI try really hard not to miss what is right in front of my face. Since I've only been out with about 5 guys in the past 4 or so years (and none of them have been around for more than a couple weeks), I'm pretty sure he hasn't come in and then out of my life.
PS: I didn't lose love. I never had it in the first place. I'm just thankful that I've been bless to have loved, even if I haven't been loved in return. There is something special in and of itself - to know how to love.