Hollow

I knew giving G another chance was a bad idea, but I'm more of a open doors not shut them type of gal.  I don't understand G at all.  I hear what he is looking for and I'm like exactly that.

He wants a curvy but healthy girl.  I'm curvy and healthy.  He wants someone who will be dedicated to staying healthy.  I'm more dedicated to losing my access weight then he will ever know.  Nothing anyone, least of all him, says or does will change my mind on this.

He wants someone who eats healthy - hello, I do.  More so them him (eating raw cookie dough!)

He needs someone who will suit his sexual desires and drive.  I'm right there with him

He needs someone who can hold her ground and yet be confident enough to let him have his way.

He wants someone who is high maintenance, sophisticated, and yet doesn't mind getting her hands dirty camping for a weekend.

He has only known me for less than 50 hours out of my whole existence and yet he feels he knows me.  He sees me as 1 dimensional.  He doesn't think I'm his soul mate.

The very fact that I *am* multidimensional, shining like a finely cut multifaceted diamond, is why he thinks he knows me after so little time.  I keep trying to tell him he doesn't know me as well as he believes but he doesn't listen.

He claims I haven't expressed any interests to him.  I have, many times, he just hasn't been paying attention.  I tried to show him pictures of my baked goods, my edible art, and cooked dishes as we sat in bed.  He was too busy texting someone else to pay any mind.  After about the 4th time of getting him to look at what I wanted to show him, I gave up.

I texted him a link to my profile so he could see some of my artwork, manga, stories, and 3D work.  He didn't even bother acknowledging that I sent the link to him.

I've expressed interest in hiking and camping.  I've mentioned my pink camo camping set and I have even left him early in the morning to go hiking on my own.  He has seen my manga and anime collection, many of which are in Japanese.  He has seen my books.  He has browsed my DVD collection which contains a large  number of classic films. 

He has seen my large collection of kitchen stuff sitting in my closet.  Which goes hand and hand with baking and cooking.  When we were out shopping, one of the books I picked up was a book on selecting the best quality food.

I have talked about gaming, both WoW and DDR.  In my home are hints of my love of Hello Kitty and Disney.  I wear the same mickey mouse watch all the time.  He has even comments of some of the items.

In my bedrooms is a Gothic fairy piece of art work that I love.  It is the one piece that is not Asian inspired in my place.  It is a hint of the darker, kinkier side of me.  I once dressed a tad gothy for him, including make-up.  I even mentioned being goth-like in college. 

And that is just the beginning.  Short of beating the boy over the head with a stick and saying, "Pay attention, this is who I am and what I like.", I don't know what more I can do to make him see me as anything more than what he does.

Honestly, I don't know why he sees me so incorrectly.  I'm trying to figure it out.  I'll be talking to my friends and mention something G will say about me.  They always pause because I even continue saying "what girl is he hanging out with."

I wonder if maybe he can't help comparing me with some girl from his past and that is why he can't see me for me.

G has treated me like a cheap whore, which is the most insulting thing any guy can ever do to me.

G accused me of being incompetent, which is the second most insulting thing any one can ever do to me.

He has asked about my weight which is the number one taboo topic with  me.  Nothing will make me more insecure than bringing it up.  I have a strong, don't ask, don't tell policy.  I will never mention anything about my weight or dieting and I really wish you wouldn't tell me anything about it.  If you don't like they way I look, just leave.  If you love the way I look, show me with your touch and body, not your words.

The final straw was when he accused me of not expressing my interests.  That said it all right there.  I was already upset that he failed to look at my art, that hurt.  But to sit there and claim I don't express my interests to you?  Now that is just plain insulting and says right there how self centered, selfish, and egotistical you are.  You are not listening because you don't have enough, if any, respect for me.

I'm hollow, I have no more energy to put into worrying about this issue or men in general.  Every single man in my life has done nothing but use me and spit me out without any regard for my feelings.  Granted, that is a product of my generation, "me, me, me".  Few people care about anyone but themselves.  But, usually people find at least one person who cares enough for them that they don't always put themselves first.

The few moments of happiness, peace, and joy I got were nothing compared to the insecurity, anger, and sadness.  They didn't even balance out.  I don't regret stepping through the door to see what happened, but I wish I hadn't. 

Last night I finally realized that A) it isn't worth it.

All the work I have put into trying to find someone.  All the hurt and pain.  The good moments are not worth all those bad one.  I'm sure being loved really does make it all worth it but that brings me to B) It's never going to happen for me.

I finally really do give up.  If it hasn't happened by now, it never will.  No one has and no one will every love me.  No matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I will probably never know, but I know something is.

Even with G, who wanted to sleep with me and hung out with me, apparently didn't like my body.  It wasn't good enough and he wants it changed.  I thought... I thought I had finally found a man who wasn't disgussed by my body.  But, it isn't so.  It wasn't the size as much as it wasn't toned.

I deleted my profiles last night.   I'm going to revert back to focusing on myself and self improvement.  I'm going to try really hard to lose those 10 pounds so I can be 150 by new year.  I'm going to kick up strength training to tone.  I'm going to focus on doing what I want to do.  Focus on trying to be as happy as I can alone. 

Being lonely may not be fun, but it is less fun to have a guy in your life that only causes you pain and only uses you.  If I can't be happy, I'll take as least miserable as I can.  Right now, I'm just hollow.