Sex Buddies

The appropriate term is Fuck Buddies, but I didn't want to put that as the title for this post.  Yes, Fuck Buddies sounds crud and harsh because that is what it is - ugly.  I won't even use the term friends with benefits because in order to be friends with benefits, you have to be friends.  Hence forth, in the post, I will refer to Fuck Buddies or Fuck Buddy as FB.

Can I just say, despite my love of sex, passion, and desire - sex without emotion has no appeal to me.  So, a FB situation doesn't appeal.  So, what about my own FB relationship.  Well, since we haven't actually had any sex, it isn't a real FB situation yet.

So, why am I letting myself be sucked into a FB situation?  Well, because I wanted to see where things go, I wanted to try to understand why a guy would say he doesn't feel any chemistry, not talk to you for months, then pop back in asking to be friends and then FBs.  Why'd I, out of all the women out there, come to his mind for a FB relationship?  Why'd you want a FB relationship with someone you don't have chemistry with and are not attracted to?

I also wanted to try to get some experiences out of it that, at 33, I should have had, but haven't had the pleasure of.  I've been so touch deprived that, at first, any touch is better than none.  Also, I'm bored and this situation is anything but boring.

Somethings I would like to experience/gain from the FB situation:

• Get better at sex.  I have such little experience and I believe practice makes perfect.  I want to check off some of those other sexual acts that I want to try but haven't gotten to yet.
• Touch.  I'm touch deprived.
• Go to the grocery store with a man.  I got this one.
• Fix a meal for a man.  I've always wanted to cook a meal for a man and have never gotten to.  With this FB, I've tried 4 times and they always fall through.  I'm beginning to think it isn't ever going to happen.
• Go on a trip with a guy.  This FB suggested a weekend trip.  Now, I'll believe it is going to happen when I see it.  But the idea appeals to me a lot.
• Not be so bored all the time.
• Become more confident about myself and my body.  I think it would do me good to be around a guy who at least acts like he finds me desirable.
• Learn more about myself, mature, and grow a little bit as a woman.
• To have a hiking buddy.

But, I find myself quickly losing interest.  Sex really does have to be a mix between emotional and physical.  And, I don't feel like I'm really getting the emotional stuff met.  Also, I've have kind of built up this wall of expecting to be hurt, disappointed, no trust, no emotion.  So, I see myself sort of seeing things from the outside looking in and thoughts and emotions are viewed more analytically than anything.

I don't believe my FB and I wouldn't do fabulously together.  I just feel like he is doing everything in the book to make me not want him.  I need passion, romance, trust, stability.  I need any man in my life to be a rock, provide comfort, and security.  And I need to, at least feel, like I'm important to him.  And, I definitely don't feel important to my FB.  There is no security.  I feel, each time we part, that this will be the last time I see him. Whenever we make plans, I wonder if they are going to happen.  Our plans seem to fall through more than not - especially the more I look forward to them.

You know, I think that is the sum of this whole post.  (Which is why I write and post, to sort out my emotions).  I don't feel important to my FB and that, in turn, is slow pushing me away and shutting me down.

But hey, I'm just a FB, so he probably doesn't care.