...Some nights, I just feel like crying. In my defense, I think I'm going to start my period so I'm a little more emotional than normal.
But, I just don't understand what is so terrible about me that no one wants me. I mean, wants me more than just a fuck buddy that they play with in the night but hide away in the day light hours like some hideous embarrassing mistake.
Why can't someone, anyone, want me as a companion, a friend, a lover, and a partner? I'd make a slight better one than some. I can be helpful and supportive. It hurts that no one sees me as girlfriend/wifey material. It hurts that the best I can get is to be some guy's pussy toy. It hurts the most that, even though guys see no value in me, they are still willing to treat me like a cheap whore rather than leave me, at least, that much dignity.
But, that is better than I got before. So, I'm moving on up in the world! Maybe when I lose the last 25 pounds, I'll finally start being taken seriously by guys. And then someone will come along and see my real inner beauty and that I'm a wonderful soul. =)))))) It makes me smile just thinking about the idea that someday, someone might actual see the value and beauty in myself that I've known I've had all along. *GRINS*
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dazed and Confused
No, I'm not talking about the movie. I'm talking about my life. For the past week, I've been very confused and feel like I'm in a daze. I feel like I'm out of my body and watching someone else's life.
Why? Because I'm embarking on adventure way outside of my normal behavior. Everything inside me is telling me I should run, not walk, run away from this situation because it is only going to end up with me being hurt. Very hurt.
However, a bigger part of my says, "Screw it". I've gone 30 some odd years trying to do it right and be a good girl and it hasn't gotten me anything. If this is the only way I can get just a little bit of what I want, so be it. If I'm dying of thrist, sure, I want water. But, I'll take the piss offered me. It's better than nothing and appearently that is all I'm going to be offered (or maybe that is all I'm worth *shrugs*).
My initial reaction was to say, "No." But after thinking about it, I realized that this might be an opportunity to have some human physical contact, have some fun, and finally get some experience. I have no expectations.
So far, I'm enjoying myself and I'm not regretting my decisions. Let's just hope it stays that way. In the meantime, I'm still hoping that someone will come along who will provide the other things I want in life, like caring, love, and commitment. I haven't given up searching for that elusive dream.
In other news, I finally reach 155. This means that I'm only 1 pound away from switching from obese to simply overweight and that I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm super excited and can't wait to see what changes will happen to my body. I really hope to lose some of my butt, thighs, and hips. I'm not looking to lose my shape or the curves (which I never will because that is just who I am), but I'd just like to trim down some more so the majority of men find what they see attractive.
Although, I don't really need the majority of men. I only need and want one. But, until I find him, it's best to have as many opportunities to find him. The more men attracted, the better my odds at finding my love. =)
Why? Because I'm embarking on adventure way outside of my normal behavior. Everything inside me is telling me I should run, not walk, run away from this situation because it is only going to end up with me being hurt. Very hurt.
However, a bigger part of my says, "Screw it". I've gone 30 some odd years trying to do it right and be a good girl and it hasn't gotten me anything. If this is the only way I can get just a little bit of what I want, so be it. If I'm dying of thrist, sure, I want water. But, I'll take the piss offered me. It's better than nothing and appearently that is all I'm going to be offered (or maybe that is all I'm worth *shrugs*).
My initial reaction was to say, "No." But after thinking about it, I realized that this might be an opportunity to have some human physical contact, have some fun, and finally get some experience. I have no expectations.
So far, I'm enjoying myself and I'm not regretting my decisions. Let's just hope it stays that way. In the meantime, I'm still hoping that someone will come along who will provide the other things I want in life, like caring, love, and commitment. I haven't given up searching for that elusive dream.
In other news, I finally reach 155. This means that I'm only 1 pound away from switching from obese to simply overweight and that I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm super excited and can't wait to see what changes will happen to my body. I really hope to lose some of my butt, thighs, and hips. I'm not looking to lose my shape or the curves (which I never will because that is just who I am), but I'd just like to trim down some more so the majority of men find what they see attractive.
Although, I don't really need the majority of men. I only need and want one. But, until I find him, it's best to have as many opportunities to find him. The more men attracted, the better my odds at finding my love. =)
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