Looks Are The Most Important Thing!

"I love you, you're perfect in every way - except I don't like your thighs -  so I'm willing to miss out on the best thing that could have ever happened to me, for this one shallow, minor, insignificant, inconsequential, inconsiderable, infinitesimal, irrelevant, meager, meaningless, minim, minimal, minuscule, minute, negligible, nondescript, nonessential, not worth mentioning, nugatory idiot hangup I've got." - A Friend

Dear Idiot,

You have placed me in an egregious situation.  I have a choice to make; one with only 3 options.  No option exists, which I can make, without great deal of damage done to myself.  Whichever choice I make, each come at a painful price and consequence.  My job now is to decide which choice will be the least detrimental. 

1. I can choose to be your fuck buddy. – I can fulfill my physical need but at the price of emotional turmoil. 
2. I can choose to be your friend. – I can fulfill my emotional need but at the cost of physical turmoil.
3. I can choose to remove you from my life. – I can choose not to fulfill either need. Neither is crushed more than the status quo but neither is sate either.

With a male, for there to be love, there must be physical attraction.  Once there is love, physical attraction doesn’t need to be there because love masks its absence.  If there is true love, you never notice if the physical attraction is there or not because you are filled with love, loyalty, comfort, and companionship.  That is the nature of love because human all age and become less physically attractive as time passes.  If physical attraction was necessary for love, humans would be constantly leaving their partner for someone we find more physically attractive.  Despite recent upward trends in divorce, there are still plenty of couples who know what true love is and stay with their partner even though they are old, wrinkly, fat, droopy and all manners of ugly.  Doubt this?  Go interview happily married couples from 15 to 50+ years.  When you ask them what makes them happy and their success, physical attraction is NEVER mentioned.  In the end, that just doesn’t matter. 

As such, I refuse to be complicit in the perpetuation of the idea that physical beauty is more important than content.  Doing so is a huge mistake and one I know I will regret for a long time to come.  We all lose our looks, it is an unavoidable fact.  What is important is finding someone who is attracted to our content and loves it, so that as we age there is still a bond.

I can’t condemn you for wanting me thinner or even if you would suddenly find me attractive when I lose the weight.  That is the reason I’m working to lose it, to attract a man.  I don’t hold it against men for wanting an attractive partner and not wanting to date one who is not. Physical attraction is what tenders love.  I accept that fact of life and I’m working within that system to find my love.  

The vast majority of men I will date, after I lose the last of the weight, would not have given me a chance before I lost it.  It’s not fair to punish you, when I wouldn’t these other men, just because you appeared in my life before the process was complete.
But, I do expect any man I am with to also appreciate my other assets.  I demand that a man values my content alongside the physical.  I can accept valuing the content without the physical (since in the end, physical doesn’t matter) but I will not accept valuing the physical but not the content. 

I can, and will, hold it against you that you failed to find anything else likeable about me.  I gave you the opportunity to enumerate qualities you appreciate about me and you either chose not to or you were unsuccessful in thinking about anything to list.  This shows you fail to recognize how completely awesome I am and what I prize earning my regard truly is.   I will not be with a man, knowing the only thing he values about me is my physical appearance.  He has to appreciate me on a deeper level.

If I entered into a fuck buddy relationship with you, as my body changes, and it will, I run the risk of you slowly becoming attracted to me physical.  As that happens, there is a slight chance you will want to move things to a more serious level.  Sans attraction to my content, that would be a disaster.   You believe that a relationship without physical attraction is unhealthy.  But I contend that a relationship without attraction to your partner’s content is doomed.  We would run the risk of entering into a relationship that would never make it because you would never truly love me.  As time passes, my body will once again change into something less attractive, you would pull away unhappy because love is not there to mask the inevitable weathering effects of childbirth, life, and time.  

Sincerely,

someone wiser than her time and better than you deserve

Pissed - If you are not physically attracted, don't ask them out!

About four 4 months ago, I was pretty severally harassed on this blog.  So much so, that I have toned down posting on it.  One particular harassment revolved around being down on a guy who actually liked the way I looked.  I replied that I didn't hate him because he was physically attracted to me, but rather, it was new to me and I kind of doubted it was true.  Which led to all sorts of follow up meanness.

The guy is question contacted me first on an online dating site.  He didn't know anything about me other than my abundance of photos and written profile.  He dated me not once, twice, or thrice, but close to 12 times before he told me he didn't feel chemistry.  I was confused because most people A) don't date someone they are not physically attracted to more than 3 times. B) His physical reactions to me belied that.

But, moving on.  He contacted me again a few months later asking to be friends.  He felt a strong intellectual attraction for me but didn't see us long term.  Okay, I get that.  He likes my personality but not my looks.  Once again he confused me by then promptly asking to be fuck buddies.  Ohhhhhhhhkaaaaay?!  Who asks someone to be fuck buddies they are not attracted to?  He must not dislike my looks that much.

Until a few days ago, when, he revealed he just wasn't physically attracted to me.  FTW?  We haven't had sex but have done everything but and only now you are telling me this.  I don't want to be fuck buddies and I sure as hell don't want to be fuck buddies with someone who finds me repugnant.   The kicker is, according to him, I'm perfect for him in everyway except he isn't attracted to me.  I'm fucking sick and tired of being told by men that I'm wonderful but because I'm ugly I'm not worth shit.  Yes, it happens all the time and I'm fucking sick of it.  Do you know how fucking devastating it is to tell a woman that - that her whole worth as a female is tied to her body and appearence?

But, the real reason I'm so pissed off is because, if looks are so damn important to you, why the hell do you contact a person in the first place if you are not attracted to them?  Just leave them the fuck alone and focus on people you are attracted to.  I guess I can't even trust that if a guy is talking to me, dating me, and fucking me, he likes the way I look now.