At the end of each year, I like to spend a little time reflecting on what happened. But mainly, I like to spend a few days dreaming and hoping that the new year will bring bigger and better things. The past 5 years of my life have not gone well. I've spent the majority of my time trying to work towards the only thing I ever wanted in this life - love, a husband, children, family and a home. Instead, I usually encounter a lot of bad emotional stuff that I don't think any human should be subjected to.
2013 brought with it such hope and it has ended in such disappointed. This was the year I was going to start traveling around the world. This was the year I was finally going to meet my weight lost goal of 130 pounds. This was the year I was finally suppose to meet a man who would love me as much as I loved him.
The year started out good. I had an amazing trip to Canada, I was so close to my goal weight, and I had a guy who I loved and claimed he felt similarly to me. And I had booked a trip to Ireland for later that year.
And then, I slept with the guy and the next morning, 5 minutes after he left my house, he emailed me breaking it off and saying he would never see me again. I crashed. All hope and motivation for everything just disappeared. And, over the rest of the year, I just couldn't bring myself to exercise, eat quite as healthy, and I just kept gaining weight.
I did go to Ireland, and it was a fun trip. In a strange twist of fate, the guy dumping me after sex - A thing that has happened with all three men I have ever slept with, just broke me. I could no longer stand that I'd sleep with a guy and he'd dump me the very next morning. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong and what is so terrible about me.
I thought about the first man I had ever slept with. The man I lost my virginity to. The man I loved and, whom, after 4 years, I still loved. The man who claimed he loved me too. I couldn't take it anymore that all the men I had loved and slept with hated my guts. I couldn't take it anymore that not a single one of them had cared for me even a little bit. It was too much. The first man had been my friend, I thought, and maybe we could be friends again. If only we could be friends, I wouldn't feel so bad. He may not have loved me, but if we could be friends, at least he didn't hate me. Please don't hate me. No girl deserves to have a man she slept with, especially the one she lost her virginity to, hate her.
On impulse, I reached out to him. I hadn't talked to him in 4 years. I wasn't hoping to get back together. I doubted he even used the same email. All I wanted and hoped for was a, "I don't hate you and we can be penpals that talk via email once a month."
I did hear back from him and what I did wasn't what I was expecting. He was excited to hear from me. He was sorry for his decision to dump me. He felt he probably made the biggest mistaken in his life. Several months talking, we got back together. We have been dating for 5 months now.
Honestly, I don't think he really loves me or cares. I think he will dump me eventually. But I do love him and after him, I'm giving up on dating and finding love completely. It's just too painful for me and I can't go through another man sleeping with me, saying he loves me, and dumping me the next morning again by email or text. I just can't. So, it doesn't really cost me anything to stick around until he does dump me. It's not like I'll find anyone else to take his place.
I probably gained about 50 pounds this year. My clothes don't even fit but I refuse to buy bigger sizes. The good news is, after a year of no motivation, I have finally gained it back. Yes, I want to lose the weight I gained and finally meet my goal of 130. But, mostly, right now, I just want to get back into shape health wise.
I do hope I lose the weight and meet my goal in 2014. I hope that my boyfriend finally falls in love with me. I hope we get engaged, and I move up to where he is, and in with him. I hope we plan a wedding for 2015. And I hope by late 2015 or early 2016, I might get pregnant.
They are just hopes and dreams. But hey, this is the end of the year and it is the time fantasies are allowed for the future.
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