It's been about 6 months since I have last posted. To be truthful, these last 6 months have not gone as I planned at all. I have been terribly stressed to the point of suffering from Burn Out. Why? Well, let me share. In a nutshell:
A)Moving. I took a look at my finances and my prospect for a pay increase (almost zero) versus my current cost of living. I was a little sadden to see, despite having a good job, I needed to downgrade my quality of life. I live fairly cheaply. I don't spend a lot on a phone, I don't have cable, and I don't spend a lot of money on "toys" or eating out. My biggest expense is my apartment and I just couldn't afford to continue paying the amount I was with the increases in my taxes and health insurance with no pay raise to offset it. So, I decided I needed to move to a cheaper apartment when my lease was up this December. I spent a lot of time looking for apartments and if I wanted to stay somewhat in my current location, my options where pretty bad. Pretty much ghetto section 8 housing. Not that I minded too much, it was just a pretty big downgrade for me.
However, after talking to my parent's, they offered another solution. Moving into my Grandmother's house. My grandmother requires 24/7 care and so is living with my parents. She still has her house, which she doesn't want to get rid of yet. So, it seemed an ideal solution that I move in to maintain it and, in turn, I only had to pay the upkeep of the house - no rent. So my monthly cost will decrease about 75%. That is a huge savings. I can take all that money and safe it to replenish my savings, put some towards travel, and I know I will need a new vehicle soon, so can start saving for that.
I'm no stranger to moving, having never stayed in one place for more than 2 years since I was 17, so I know how hard and stressful moving is. I didn't realize, though, that my Grandmother's house was in such disrepair. It's old, but coupled with it being neglected, with people living in it that actually contributed to the degradation, it was in terrible shape. I know I was downgrading but I didn't want to move into the money pit. My mom and I have been working on fixing her up for almost a year now and we are not even close to finished. I finally ran out of time (I didn't want to move in until it was completed), but my lease is up at the end of this month and I had to move in. This is one of those few times in my life where I feel like I made the wrong decision.
Now that I'm moved in, with a few final repairs (like getting the leak fixed in the gargage so I can hook up the washer and dryer, it isn't too bad. The move is almost complete, and being finally somewhat settled has lifted a lot of stress from me.
B)Work. Unexpectedly, work has been the biggest contributor to my Burn Out. It's funny how one week you come home from work and reflect on how much you love your job and then 1 month later you hate it so much you are ready to quit. I was assigned (and still have it) to a project from hell. It just turned out to be one thing after another and after awhile it just all piled up to the point where I started going crazy. Since the project is winding down, things are finally getting back to normal, but it was touch and go there for a little bit. I was working 50-60 hour weeks.
C)New Personal Relationship. I was dating a guy who broke up with me and crushed me in a manner which, when a man does this to a woman, has just booked his personal spot in hell. I kid you not and , no, I don't want to get into anymore details. Needless to say, he did something very bad to me and will rot in hell for it. But, prior to that, during, and after, thoughts of a certain ex-boyfriend, kept popping into my head. This ex was someone who I loved dearly, was my first love. Yet another boyfriend who broke up with me. I think he just got scared, spooked, and broke up with me. The break up wasn't all that good but to this day I always think of him. He was my friend before my lover and I hated the fact that someone I cared about so much probably wouldn't give me a drop of water if I was dying of thirst in the dessert because of the way we parted. I didn't want to have such bad final memories of someone I cared for so deeply and even gave my virginity too. I had been thinking about reaching out to contact him for some time, and events finally triggered me to do so. At the time, I didn't even know if the email address I was about to use was even still active. But I figure, what the heck. We were friends before, and I wanted to be friends again.
The results of that one small decision and action were something that not even I, in my wildest imagination, would have predicted. Not only did I hear right back from him, but his response was shocking. He had been thinking about sending a similar email but didn't want to bring bad stuff back up(which I appreciated). And, he regretted his decision to break up with me(duh, I'm awesome - he gave up something very special), to the day felt he might had made the biggest mistake in his life(I said as much when he was breaking up with me years ago), and was glad and surprised to hear from me (wow, didn't see that coming).
I swear, when I sent that email, all I was hoping for was to reestablish a friendship. Getting back together was a ship that sailed a long time ago and I had made peace with. But, here I am, typing up this post from his kitchen table. >< Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that 4 years later, after he broke my heart, we would be back together (I hoped to hear from him and get back together for almost 2 years after the break up, but after 2 years, I realized it wasn't going to happen and finally moved on). It's a long distance relationship, so we are taking it slow and have a long way to go, but he swears he is in it for the long haul. And me? Well, I've never been in it for anything but the long haul with him. I don't know what our future holds, but I'm determined to just enjoy the journey.
Starting any new relationship comes with it's own form of stress. A long distance relationship adds another level. But, all that with a guy who has already broken your heart once - never quite being sure of his feelings and levels of commitment and devotion - well... add that to all the other stuff in my life and that makes for one truly stressed out person.
And that is why I have not been posting for so long. I've just been too busy and too stressed to think about it. But, I'm taking this week off and I visiting my boyfriend and so I have some free time. And things are getting a little better (finally). I have a lot to reflect upon - more on that later. One of the worst things about all the stress is that I have gained back a lot of the weight. I'd say, probably 30 to 50 pounds. I just didn't have the energy to exercise and food seemed to be one of the few comforting outlets around. I'm so upset by it (the weight gain), but plan to start buckling down to lose it again now that things are settling.
All in all, I'd say 2013 has been an year of the unexpected. It has been a fairly bad year. It has definitely not gone the way I hoped or planned. One of the biggest disappointments was my yearly horoscope prediction for this year not coming to fruition. Not that I truly put any stalk into horoscopes, but they are fun and mine for 2013 was pretty awesome. This was suppose to be a big year for change and romance for me. It promised wrecking down the old and rebuilding with the new where my life would never be the same. The second half of the year was suppose to hold a lot of goodness and romance where I wouldn't be lonely anymore. I was hoping for that "deep and unfathomable commitment for you" I was promised.
But, then again, who knows. Current things have the potential to completely change in my life (more next post) and maybe my boyfriend really is deeply and unfathomable committed to me and I just don't know it yet. Maybe my future holds love and marriage and a family of my own (the only things I ever really wanted for myself in life). That's the thing about the future, you just never know what surprises it holds for you.
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