But I am not.
There are not too many people who can say they have lost over a 100 pounds. And, the number of those people who can say they lost it all naturally is even lower. It is a great achievement. It is something I should take pride in. But... I don't. Not even a little bit.
I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I ever let myself get that big in the first place. Ashamed I had to lose it. Ashamed I was a fat person at all. I just want to erase all memories and proof that I was ever fat. Once you go fat, you can never come back. Regardless of your size, you will now always have the taint of being a "fat person".
And, I'm not pleased. I am not pleased at all with my body. I'm still very fat. My butt, hip, and thighs are still huge.
Despite that, I'm still moving forward. With only 10 more pounds to go, I decided to move into phase 2 while whittling away those last few pounds. My plan, for now, is to take five, one-hour, weight or strength classes a week. I just joined Gold's Gym on Friday. I take classes Monday through Thursday after work and on Saturday morning. Today will be my first class. Right now, I can say I'm pretty sore.
So, to start out my new journey, I'm going to record my measures to see if I make any progress:
Chest - 29
L Arm - 12
R Arm - 13
Waist - 27 1/2
Hips - 37 1/2
L Thigh - 23
R Thigh - 22 1/2
L Cafe - 14 1/2
R Cafe - 13 1/2
Neck - 12
Butt - 41
Body Fat: 29.5%
I'll give this a month or two to see if I loss weight, body fat, or inches. If not, I'll re-evaluate then.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I could use a friend
I could really use a friend right now. Just someone I could talk to and share my day with. Anyone would do. Maybe I should get a pet and then I could pet them while I talk about my day with them.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Weight Loss Update Photo
Granted, in the 140 picture, I'm wearing a corset which makes me look thinner than I really am. My damn thighs are still hugh! =(
I'm entering into Phase 2 where I am going to focus strongly on strength, weight, and toning to try to trim down some of the loose skin. And hopefully cut down my body fat % more. I'll give it about 4 to 6 months and if I don't see results I'll probably look into surgery.
The Final Goodbye - A Letter to a Loved One
My Mr. G.C.F,
By your own admission, I am an intelligent and very intuitive person. Indeed, I am. It is almost like I can see the future. However, I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I believe in free will. I believe in allowing people to make their own choices in life. If you still retained them, I suggest you re-read our last set of email correspondences. You will find them eerie in how well I predicted the outcome of our last encounter despite your adamant denial that I was correct. So, given my propensity towards being insightful and correct, I urge you to take my next words with the gravity they deserve.
My darling Tiger, I am so sorry that you were hurt so severely by a woman in your past. She caused more damage than even you or I could ever imagine. She wounded you to your core. She caused you to stop and drop everything you were doing in your life and enlist in the military. To enlist at your age is very rare - which should have signify to all the depth of the situation.
Even though many years of passed, you have not allowed yourself to properly deal with that past situation. You have not sorted yourself out, you have not healed, and you have not repaired the damage that was done. What you did was run away.
And that is okay. Sometimes all we can do is run away until we come out of the shock. It is our soul's way of protecting ourselves. The first year you enlisted, you were so tired and busy you didn't have much time to think or feel about the situation. Your second year, you were busy creating a new life for yourself. Your third year, the pain has lessened, you wanted to move forward, and you want to find love. However, no where in there did you take the time to reflect and untangle all the knots this lady created. Until you do so, you will never be able to more forward and have a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship.
Dispite what people may think, the keys to a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship are not a secret and they don't vary from person to person. They are set in stone and are very easy. Talk to anyone who has been in a 30+ year relationship and they will all tell you the same things for their success. Talk to anyone who floats from one unsuccessful relationship to the next and they will tell you all the different things which are important to a "successful" relationship.
My dearest love, I believe deep down you know what is important for a successful relationship. I simply believe that the wound on your heart and the scars you bare have made you forget that piece of wisdom. My Tiger, I urge you to grow, heal, and regain the wisdom you need to be successful with love. Stop dating, stop searching, and focus on yourself and your growth. I know you are in a place right now where that should be your focus. Take advantage fully of the opportunity in front of you. Learn to see with your heart, mind, and soul and not with your eyes. Then, and only then, will you have a chance of the happiness you seek and I know you deserve.
I know, from the depths of my heart, that one day you will regret your decision. It might be 3 months from now, it might be 5 years from now, but one day you will realize you made the biggest mistake of your life. And I am so terribly sorry that I won't be able to take you back. I told you this was your last chance. I warned you not to make the biggest mistake in your life. I urged you to choose carefully.
You say it was the kink which kept drawing you back. Oh, my poor baby. How terrible wrong you are. How blinded you are by your wounded and fearful soul. It was not the kink. It was the deep, amazing, special, precious connection of our souls.
There was no kink. It is impossible for someone of my sexual experience to have a kink such as you speak of. Many of the things you spoke of, I flat out told you would never happen. Some of the things you spoke of turned me off. A few turned me on. The majority, I was indifferent too. You saw my high libido, my nature to want to please my man, and our strong bond and twisted it into what you wanted it to be.
I am so sorry you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you. I am so sorry that you let your Goddess slip through your fingers. I pray that you work on fixing your broken soul. I hope you learn the wisdom you are lacking. Learn to see with your heart, mind, and soul rather than your eyes.
My heart knew this was the most likely outcome and I have spent the last few weeks mentally fortifying myself for it. I hoped it wouldn't come to this but, alas, that hope was not to be realized. Know that with this posting, I am closing this chapter of my life and making my peace with you. I will never think of you again after this. Goodbye Forever.
Love to you Always,
Your Goddess
By your own admission, I am an intelligent and very intuitive person. Indeed, I am. It is almost like I can see the future. However, I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I believe in free will. I believe in allowing people to make their own choices in life. If you still retained them, I suggest you re-read our last set of email correspondences. You will find them eerie in how well I predicted the outcome of our last encounter despite your adamant denial that I was correct. So, given my propensity towards being insightful and correct, I urge you to take my next words with the gravity they deserve.
My darling Tiger, I am so sorry that you were hurt so severely by a woman in your past. She caused more damage than even you or I could ever imagine. She wounded you to your core. She caused you to stop and drop everything you were doing in your life and enlist in the military. To enlist at your age is very rare - which should have signify to all the depth of the situation.
Even though many years of passed, you have not allowed yourself to properly deal with that past situation. You have not sorted yourself out, you have not healed, and you have not repaired the damage that was done. What you did was run away.
And that is okay. Sometimes all we can do is run away until we come out of the shock. It is our soul's way of protecting ourselves. The first year you enlisted, you were so tired and busy you didn't have much time to think or feel about the situation. Your second year, you were busy creating a new life for yourself. Your third year, the pain has lessened, you wanted to move forward, and you want to find love. However, no where in there did you take the time to reflect and untangle all the knots this lady created. Until you do so, you will never be able to more forward and have a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship.
Dispite what people may think, the keys to a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship are not a secret and they don't vary from person to person. They are set in stone and are very easy. Talk to anyone who has been in a 30+ year relationship and they will all tell you the same things for their success. Talk to anyone who floats from one unsuccessful relationship to the next and they will tell you all the different things which are important to a "successful" relationship.
My dearest love, I believe deep down you know what is important for a successful relationship. I simply believe that the wound on your heart and the scars you bare have made you forget that piece of wisdom. My Tiger, I urge you to grow, heal, and regain the wisdom you need to be successful with love. Stop dating, stop searching, and focus on yourself and your growth. I know you are in a place right now where that should be your focus. Take advantage fully of the opportunity in front of you. Learn to see with your heart, mind, and soul and not with your eyes. Then, and only then, will you have a chance of the happiness you seek and I know you deserve.
I know, from the depths of my heart, that one day you will regret your decision. It might be 3 months from now, it might be 5 years from now, but one day you will realize you made the biggest mistake of your life. And I am so terribly sorry that I won't be able to take you back. I told you this was your last chance. I warned you not to make the biggest mistake in your life. I urged you to choose carefully.
You say it was the kink which kept drawing you back. Oh, my poor baby. How terrible wrong you are. How blinded you are by your wounded and fearful soul. It was not the kink. It was the deep, amazing, special, precious connection of our souls.
There was no kink. It is impossible for someone of my sexual experience to have a kink such as you speak of. Many of the things you spoke of, I flat out told you would never happen. Some of the things you spoke of turned me off. A few turned me on. The majority, I was indifferent too. You saw my high libido, my nature to want to please my man, and our strong bond and twisted it into what you wanted it to be.
I am so sorry you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you. I am so sorry that you let your Goddess slip through your fingers. I pray that you work on fixing your broken soul. I hope you learn the wisdom you are lacking. Learn to see with your heart, mind, and soul rather than your eyes.
My heart knew this was the most likely outcome and I have spent the last few weeks mentally fortifying myself for it. I hoped it wouldn't come to this but, alas, that hope was not to be realized. Know that with this posting, I am closing this chapter of my life and making my peace with you. I will never think of you again after this. Goodbye Forever.
Love to you Always,
Your Goddess
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