Unhappy

I'm unhappy.  No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to change those things which make me unhappy, no matter how hard I chase happiness... it never comes to me.

I've finally realized that unhappiness is like chronic pain for me.  I will always have to live and deal with it.  The unhappiness isn't something that is fleeting.  It isn't like I'm happy sometimes and unhappy sometimes.  No, it is always there, just under the surface.  Unhappiness.  It flavors everything I do.

My unhappiness stems for the need to belong, be wanted, and being loved.  I want a family damn it.  I want to love and be loved.  I want a husband and children!  It is a void in my life.  A rift that is growing larger and larger each day - like a black hole sucking happiness away.  And unless I find those things, I can never be whole.

Weight, Strength, Toning - Failed Experiment

With only 8 pounds left to go to my goal weight, and needing to change up my exercise routine, I decided to start focusing on toning up - Phase 2, as it were.  The trick to my success, however, has been realizing that everyone's body is different and what works for one person isn't going to work for the next.  That is why so many people fail at weight loss.  They follow the textbooks, don't lose, and get frustrated and stop.  It's taken me 5 years to stumble upon something that kind of works for me and, moving into phase 2, it will take a lot of trail and error to figure out how to get that to work.

The problem is, I don't want to do too much damage while I figure what the secret recipe is.  I did strength/weight training for 2.5 weeks and managed to gain 10 pounds! =(  10 pounds that will take me 2.5 MONTHS to lose.  So, I'm nipping that in the butt right now.  I'm going to stick with losing the weight, phase 1, for now.  Even if it is just for a day, I want to know I reach my goal weight, first, before I lose it again.  Once I reach 130, I'll switch back over to phase 2.

In the meantime, I'm drinking protein shakes (ala like slim fast) for breakfast and lunch, and then eating a small meal for dinner to try to take off the weight gained.  I know when I eat so little I can't really work out, though.

The weight loss in the passed 4 days:

146.4
143.6
141.8
141.6