I feel like I'm Manipulating my Boyfriend

Even though I'm in a one sided relationship, I feel a sense of peace about it.  I'm not happy about it, but I'm not freaking out worrying about it.  It's nice to be certain about something.  There is no more need for questioning or guessing.

Knowing how my boyfriend feels about  me and where I stand with him allows me the information I desire to make an informed decision.  Even though I know he doesn't love me, I do love him.  And I made the decision to tell him so, to say "I love you", first, because it was costing me more to hold my tongue when I was busting to tell him.  I knew I wouldn't get an, "I love you" back and I was perfectly okay with that.  I don't regret my decision.  Saying it released a knot I had inside.  And, even though he wasn't saying it back.  It actually made me happy to say it to him the times I have.

I am no longer nervous about what I say.  I no longer worry about messing up.  I have nothing to lose because I never gained anything in the relationship TO lose.  So, I have become much more straightforward and blunt when I talk with him.  I'm more open and clear because I'm not scared of being rejected or losing him anymore.  I  never had him to begin with.  You can't lose what you never had.

Knowing that there is no future for us together, knowing, I have reverted back to making plans that only include myself.  And, although I have not been rubbing that in my boyfriends face, he would have to be an idiot not to pick up the change in vibes.  A perfect example was the other morning when the neighborhood dogs, barking, woke me.  I thought it would be nice to move somewhere where houses were further apart so neighbor's sounds don't distract.  My boyfriend knows I'm only living in my currently place temporarily and that I am ready to purchase and move into a house - to finally have a home.  I commented that I might start looking for a neighborhood like that and see about purchasing my first home a year from now.  Of course, that implication being I'm putting down roots here and I'm not planning to move to him.

His behavior and treatment of me, his feelings toward me, are nothing more than that of a good close friend.  And, as such, I'm slowly starting to treat him only as a friend in return.

All this stuff seems natural to me.  I'm not doing it for any reason other than it just is how I'm feeling.  But it is a departure from my normal self.  I am very open with my feelings and don't hold back.  I don't fall in love fast, but I fall in love hard.  And, to date, when I have fallen in love, even if things don't work out, I don't stop loving that person.  I simple more forward knowing that my love isn't returned.  I'm a giver and I like to please and make those I care about happy.  The change is me pulling back a little and being less "oh this would be wonderful for us" to being more, "Hmm, I think I should look into doing this for myself."

To my surprise and horror, it seems that my more relax attitude and me pulling back some has seemed to, just a wee bit, pulled my boyfriend closer.  Over the past few days, he seems to be starting to give me what I have been crying out and dying for over the past 6 weeks.

The "I miss you"s and the "Hugs and kisses", the best I ever get from him, seem to being coming a tad more frequently.  And, 3 days after I started saying, "I love you", I finally got a "Love you" back one night as I wished him good night.  And, I've gotten 2 more "love you"s since then.

I feel like he doesn't care and his new behavior and words are only coming my way as a response to *my* new behavior towards him.  I feel like I'm manipulating him into saying stuff that he doesn't mean, feel, or would have normally said in the first place.  How do you go from one day saying you "care a lot about someone and like someone alot" to saying "love you" only 3 days later?  I don't think you do.

I makes me sad that my boyfriend doesn't feel the same way about me.  It makes me even sadder that he is feeling forced into saying and pretending he does feel those things when he doesn't and isn't ready too.  The last thing I want is to pressure him.  I want to give him time to get there completely on his own.  At the same time, I'm not going to wait forever for him to get there.  I feel there is a fair balance between you giving him enough time to "get there" and you not waiting around for you to finally get your needs met when it might never happen.

You would think that I'd be excited and happy to finally get some "miss yous", "hugs and kisses", and "love yous", but to my surprise, they are doing nothing for me.  2 weeks ago, getting any type of message from him like that would make my heart flutter and make me giddy all day.  But now, they are doing nothing for me and I'm feeling nothing.  I love my boyfriend.  I know that will never change.  But I'm feeling zero love from him.  I don't feel he loves me at all nor will he ever.  He says he thinks of me "long term", but I've heard that before.  I just can't and don't believe him anymore.  His words and actions are not those of someone thinking of a woman as "long term".  The messages are not making me feel loved at all.  Maybe my love tank is so empty and dead that it's gonna take a spark much bigger than a text message saying "love you" to get it started again.    


 

Now I know where I Stand with my Boyfriend

I had a long late night conversation with my boyfriend. 

Let me say, I'm running on empty.  My love tank is empty and I'm not feeling the least loved by this man.  And, I had women's intuition that something was wrong.  I don't have this feeling a lot, but each time I have had it, shortly thereafter, something really bad happens.  So, I've learned to listen to it.

So, I said to him... If you are going to breakup with me, don't wait until I visit to do so.  Why do I feel this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach?  Which led to our discussion.

It was insightful and a good conversation to have. In the end, we learned where we both stood with each other.  I learned that his feelings for me have not change or grown in the 6 months we have been in a relationship.  And, I learned that those feelings are the equivalent of a very good friend (he cares about me a lot and likes me a lot - his words).  I learned that he doesn't want to rush into anything.  That he doesn't love me, and that he isn't ready to move forward.  But, he is ready to talk about moving forward.  Yes, I know, say what?  That doesn't make sense.  He isn't ready to move forward, AT ALL, yet he is ready to talk about it?!?

He learned that I love him and I'm to the point that I absolutely am ready to move forward.

It's not the first time I've been in a one side relationship, but it is the first time I've been in a one sided relationship were there was no ambiguity about the relationship being one sided.  It's kind of nice to know exactly where you stand with a person.

I think our conversation said it all.  When I visit, I'll tell him straightforward what I wanted and wished would have happened - because he wants me to.  I'll then tell him that I am sorry it isn't going to happen because he can't love me.  And then I'll say my goodbyes.

It seems a little cruel of him to  make me say out loud all my hopes and dreams which he knows he has no intention of fullfilling, doesn't it?
 

A Lot of Thought

I've been giving it a lot of thought  these past few days.  I finally couldn't take it anymore and I told my boyfriend that we had a problem.  That I was afraid he wouldn't be able to meet my needs in a relationship.  He says it isn't a problem and when I come to visit in February everything will be alright.

But, you see, the problem isn't how he feels about me.  The problem is how I feel he feels about me.   And I cannot spend the rest of this relationship, I can't spend the next 3 to 5 years, being unhappy and feeling unloved except for 2 weeks every 2 months.  That is not what I want and it doesn't make me happy.

For a few days things got better and my boyfriend gave me a sweet nothing here and there, but it has since disappeared.  My love tank is empty.  I don't even have fumes left.  I have decided that when I visit in February, I am going to call it quits.

I love him.  I love him with all my heart and I think he is a good man for me.  I want to tell him I love him.  I know now that I will always love him, no matter what. I want him to love me back.  I'm ready to move up there.  I want to get engaged.  I know this is the man I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.  But, unfortunately, we are long distance and I don't think he feels the same about me right  now.  Given time, I think he would, but we have been dating for 2 years now and I'm 34.  I don't have anymore time left to give to a relationship that currently isn't making me even a little bit happy.

Why would you stay in a relationship, even if it has promise, when none of your relationship needs are being met?

Looking for Advice - How to Respect Your Needs and Desires in a Relationship More - Looking for Advice

I'm normally a pretty opinionated person.  I usually have somewhat of an idea of what I think, but this is one time when I really am clueless as to what to do.  Or, for that matter, what I *want* to do.  So, I'm hoping that some people out in the internet world will throw out some food for thought.

I suppose it is best to start from the beginning.  I've always known what I wanted out of life.  The only thing I've ever wanted or desired was to fall in love, be loved, get married, have children, be a stay at home mom, and try my fiercest to provide a safe and happy haven for my family.  There is nothing wrong or right about that - it just is who I am.

Except... I seem to have a big problem in attracting men.  I was 27 before I had my first boyfriend, held hands, had my first kiss, or had sex.  That wasn't because of religious reasons, because I was waiting, or was scared.  It was simply because, despite my best efforts, I continually failed to earn a man's interest.

But, 7 years ago, that all changed and that is where my story really begins.  7 years ago I met B online.  When I first met him, I didn't know he was a "him".  I had no interest in him romantically.  B was just a faceless person I interacted with online whom I happen to hit it off with right way.  I just liked this person.  It wasn't until about a year and a half later that, oh so organically and before I even knew what had happened, that B and I found ourselves interested in each other romantically.  It happened so fast and without either of us seeing it coming.  Had I seen it coming, had I planned it, I don't think it would have happened because, well you see, B happened to be almost 7 years younger than me and 1200 miles away.

And so sat B and I, the question before us, do we want to try this thing or not.  Were we both okay with a 7 year age difference?  B never seemed to care.  I wasn't happy about it, but I liked B enough that I could deal.  Any more of a gap and no, I wouldn't have, but 7 was just squeaking by.  Did we want to try the long distance thing?  And, more importantly, would one of us eventually moved if it came to that?  After a lot of thought, we both wanted to try and I was willing to move if things worked out - so down the rabbit hole we went.

And let me tell you, I don't think things could have started out any better.  About 4 or 5 months in, we were saying our "I loves you".  Things went good when we met up and his family seemed to really like me.  A year and a half later, timing was such that it made sense to move up.  The plan was to stay with him a month to make sure we still suited, look for a job, and look for an apartment.  I'd stay at the apartment for a year and we'd reevaluate at that time.

I was a month from moving up, already packing, already terminated my lease, and had a foot out the door of my current job when B called me up out of the blue, and I do mean out of the blue cause I didn't see this coming at all, and broke up with me.  His last words, "I love you but I just need time to think".  That was the last I heard from him.  He was 23 at the time and it seems that those 7 years difference finally came back to bite us in the ass.  He spooked but good.

I was heart broken.  I was heart broken and homeless and jobless.  It took me 2 years to pick up all the broken pieces B left behind. And, for the longest time, I feared I wouldn't be able to love again.  Once I give my heart it is given for eternity.  And so, I wondered if I had any room for someone else in my heart.

And then, at the end of those two years, I met R.  Again online and again long distance.  Again, I had no intention of hooking up with R.  I actual fought him on meeting up for a good 3 months before I finally caved.  I'd say I knew  R for about a year total, 6 months of that dating.  Things were looking good.  I didn't jump in the sack with R because I wanted to make sure he cared about me.  I wanted us to be exclusive.  And, after those 6 months, R told me he wanted to date me exclusively, and he was very serious about me.  And, I, I was a heart beat away from falling in love.  I was happy I was capable of feeling love.  I was happy with R.  And, so, the next time R and I were together, I slept with him.  Only to have him send me an email the next morning dumping me.  I had just been a victim of a long distance pump and dump.  I was crushed but after the pain of B, this seemed like child's play.

And, about a year later came G.  G wasn't long distance, G was great.  I really thought G and I had something.  But after two weeks dating, G called me up 15 minutes before he was suppose to pick me up for a date and dumped me.  I was hurt, but after only two weeks, G was entitled to his opinion.  If I wasn't for him, I wasn't for him.  And, that, I thought, was that.  Except... G came but 5 months later saying he had made a mistake, couldn't stop thinking of me, and wanted to be friends.  I should have told him to fuck off, but I didn't.  I mean, everyone makes mistakes and I was going to give G the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe G is my one and if I don't give him this chance I'll be throwing something wonderful away.

Except, I was wrong about G.  After dating for a while,  after G decided that he wanted to try for something serious with me, I slept with him.  I mean, that's pretty normal when two people commit to a relationship with each other and they like each other.  They normally sleep with each other because they want to.  And again, the next morning after I slept with him, he sent me an email 2 minutes after he was out the door breaking up with me and saying he had no intention of every talking to or seeing me again.  Are you kidding me?  I was just a victim of another pump and dump!

This time I wasn't hurt.  This time I was pissed.  And this time I wanted to know what the hell was so wrong with me that guys always broke up with me right after I slept with them.  Was I that fucking terrible in the sack?

Just once, just fucking once, I wanted a man I slept with to at least care for me a bit.  B was the closest to having maybe cared.  I needed with a mad passion to know that at least one of these men I had slept with would give me a drop of water in a desert if I was dying of thirst. So, 4 years after our break up, and 4 years of having no communication, I reached out to B, via email.

I only wanted to be friends.  I had made my peace with the fact that B and I would never be. I only wanted to know he didn't hate my guts.  Please don't hate me.  Please don't think I'm worth less than the shit you just stepped in on the bottom of your shoes.  Please, just please, I want to know that at least one of the men I had loved and given myself too felt just the tiniest bit of something positive for me.  And so I emailed B, with the only email address I had for him, 4 years old, and doubting he even used it anymore, but I wanted to try.

And to my complete and utter surprise, B replied.  He not only replied but his emails and those that followed were not what I expected at all.  It seems that B deeply regretted his knee jerk decision.  He, himself, had thought of reaching out but never did because he knew he hurt me and didn't want to stir up bad memories.  But what surprised me the most was that 4 months later, we got back together to give it another try.

Which brings up us to the present.  We have now been dating for 6 months.  And, up to this point it has been going well.  I have been very careful in what I ask for or voicing my desires out of this relationship because I don't want to spook him again.  But, that is part of my problem.  When I asked him 6 months ago how he felt about me, he said he liked me and cared about me.  When I ask him now, how he feels about me, he said he likes me and cares about me.  Do you see a problem?  I do.  In 6 months we have made no progress - our relationship is not moving forward or progressing.

For my part, I have always loved him, and after six months, I am sure I still do love him very much.  I've known this man almost 4 years now and I'm ready to commit to him completely.  He, however, after 6 months still doesn't love or me said it.

I was fine with our relationship, happy with it, until  a few weeks ago.  I don't know if it is one thing, or another, that is bothering me.  I don't know if it is all the things combined.  But I hate that he doesn't love me.  I hate that the relationship is long distance.  I hate that we have not talked about the future and turning this fantasy into a reality.  I am ready to end the long distance and move up there.  This surprises even me because I thought this summer would be the earliest I'd want to move up.  But, at this point, I don't think I am strong enough to deal with a long distance relationship any longer.  I'm seeing him in mid-Feburary and if something doesn't give, I'm seriously considering breaking things off because, right now, NONE of my needs (other than the small potential of all my dreams becoming a reality someday) are being met.

Up to this point, I have purposely not told him "I love you."  I have  not talked about how I'm ready to move forward - meaning getting engaged and moving up.  I haven't talked about the future at all.  Don't want to spook!  Don't want to spook!  Don't want to spook!  That is my motto with B.  I haven't told him how close I am to breaking up.  Why?  Because I don't want to spook him.  Because I don't want to push him before he is ready.  Because I want to give him time.

But, that means I'm overlooking my needs and desires which are, truthfully, just as important as his.  I wish I had the guts and courage to say, "Look, this is what I want and this is what I need and if you can't give it to me, then we need to split so I can find someone who can."

But I love him so much and I could be mistaken that he cares for me much more deeply than he is letting me know.  That come February he is thinking the same thing I am?  Or what if I just give him a month or two more and he makes all my dreams come true?  But what if he doesn't.  What if he can't.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I should walk or be patient a little longer.

All I do know if that my desires are important too and I need to respect them more than I have been up to this point.  But how do I do that without feeling like I'm making the biggest mistake in my life?

What I Really Want for Valentine's Day

I've never had a Valentine's Day.  I have either never been dating a guy when it comes around or the guy I am dating just messes it up.

It's just around the corner, and I'm planning on traveling up to visit my current boyfriend on Valentine's Day.  I'm not going up because it's Valentine's Day.  I'm just so happen to be going up on that day.  But, as it is coming up, I've been thinking about what to get him.

Part of me wants to forget it, but it isn't like me to not want to celebrate it.  But, I'm almost certain that he will forget it and not even think about it and so when I do give him a gift, he will just feel bad.  But, I decided I want to be true to myself and, at least, pretend I'm in a real relationship and have a real boyfriend.  And, in that case, I would get him a gift.

Now the question becomes, what?  I've been thinking about it for a few days when the thought to get him hockey tickets popped into my head.  He really likes hockey and I  know he'd like to go to a game but decided to hold off in favor of going to a playoff game if his team makes it.  So, I thought it would be a good gift.

The problem is, it is also a pretty expensive one that requires him taking a lot of time to drive out of town to see the game.  In the end, I decided it was such a good present, to do it.  I know he is free that day.  I purchased two tickets so he can take someone with him.  And pretty nice seats at that. That will probably end up being his brother.  I don't know if he will like it.  I don't know if it will be a pain for him to use the tickets.  I don't know if he will be upset that I spent so much money on him for a Valentine's gift.  But you know what, that isn't why I got them.  I got them because I care about him and I think he will enjoy the tickets.

And what would I really like the most for Valentine's Day?  You really want to know?  I single red rose, a card with a little personal note inside, and just spending a night together, just the two of us.  Maybe eating out together.