I'm normally a pretty opinionated person. I usually have somewhat of an idea of what I think, but this is one time when I really am clueless as to what to do. Or, for that matter, what I *want* to do. So, I'm hoping that some people out in the internet world will throw out some food for thought.
I suppose it is best to start from the beginning. I've always known what I wanted out of life. The only thing I've ever wanted or desired was to fall in love, be loved, get married, have children, be a stay at home mom, and try my fiercest to provide a safe and happy haven for my family. There is nothing wrong or right about that - it just is who I am.
Except... I seem to have a big problem in attracting men. I was 27 before I had my first boyfriend, held hands, had my first kiss, or had sex. That wasn't because of religious reasons, because I was waiting, or was scared. It was simply because, despite my best efforts, I continually failed to earn a man's interest.
But, 7 years ago, that all changed and that is where my story really begins. 7 years ago I met B online. When I first met him, I didn't know he was a "him". I had no interest in him romantically. B was just a faceless person I interacted with online whom I happen to hit it off with right way. I just liked this person. It wasn't until about a year and a half later that, oh so organically and before I even knew what had happened, that B and I found ourselves interested in each other romantically. It happened so fast and without either of us seeing it coming. Had I seen it coming, had I planned it, I don't think it would have happened because, well you see, B happened to be almost 7 years younger than me and 1200 miles away.
And so sat B and I, the question before us, do we want to try this thing or not. Were we both okay with a 7 year age difference? B never seemed to care. I wasn't happy about it, but I liked B enough that I could deal. Any more of a gap and no, I wouldn't have, but 7 was just squeaking by. Did we want to try the long distance thing? And, more importantly, would one of us eventually moved if it came to that? After a lot of thought, we both wanted to try and I was willing to move if things worked out - so down the rabbit hole we went.
And let me tell you, I don't think things could have started out any better. About 4 or 5 months in, we were saying our "I loves you". Things went good when we met up and his family seemed to really like me. A year and a half later, timing was such that it made sense to move up. The plan was to stay with him a month to make sure we still suited, look for a job, and look for an apartment. I'd stay at the apartment for a year and we'd reevaluate at that time.
I was a month from moving up, already packing, already terminated my lease, and had a foot out the door of my current job when B called me up out of the blue, and I do mean out of the blue cause I didn't see this coming at all, and broke up with me. His last words, "I love you but I just need time to think". That was the last I heard from him. He was 23 at the time and it seems that those 7 years difference finally came back to bite us in the ass. He spooked but good.
I was heart broken. I was heart broken and homeless and jobless. It took me 2 years to pick up all the broken pieces B left behind. And, for the longest time, I feared I wouldn't be able to love again. Once I give my heart it is given for eternity. And so, I wondered if I had any room for someone else in my heart.
And then, at the end of those two years, I met R. Again online and again long distance. Again, I had no intention of hooking up with R. I actual fought him on meeting up for a good 3 months before I finally caved. I'd say I knew R for about a year total, 6 months of that dating. Things were looking good. I didn't jump in the sack with R because I wanted to make sure he cared about me. I wanted us to be exclusive. And, after those 6 months, R told me he wanted to date me exclusively, and he was very serious about me. And, I, I was a heart beat away from falling in love. I was happy I was capable of feeling love. I was happy with R. And, so, the next time R and I were together, I slept with him. Only to have him send me an email the next morning dumping me. I had just been a victim of a long distance pump and dump. I was crushed but after the pain of B, this seemed like child's play.
And, about a year later came G. G wasn't long distance, G was great. I really thought G and I had something. But after two weeks dating, G called me up 15 minutes before he was suppose to pick me up for a date and dumped me. I was hurt, but after only two weeks, G was entitled to his opinion. If I wasn't for him, I wasn't for him. And, that, I thought, was that. Except... G came but 5 months later saying he had made a mistake, couldn't stop thinking of me, and wanted to be friends. I should have told him to fuck off, but I didn't. I mean, everyone makes mistakes and I was going to give G the benefit of the doubt. Maybe G is my one and if I don't give him this chance I'll be throwing something wonderful away.
Except, I was wrong about G. After dating for a while, after G decided that he wanted to try for something serious with me, I slept with him. I mean, that's pretty normal when two people commit to a relationship with each other and they like each other. They normally sleep with each other because they want to. And again, the next morning after I slept with him, he sent me an email 2 minutes after he was out the door breaking up with me and saying he had no intention of every talking to or seeing me again. Are you kidding me? I was just a victim of another pump and dump!
This time I wasn't hurt. This time I was pissed. And this time I wanted to know what the hell was so wrong with me that guys always broke up with me right after I slept with them. Was I that fucking terrible in the sack?
Just once, just fucking once, I wanted a man I slept with to at least care for me a bit. B was the closest to having maybe cared. I needed with a mad passion to know that at least one of these men I had slept with would give me a drop of water in a desert if I was dying of thirst. So, 4 years after our break up, and 4 years of having no communication, I reached out to B, via email.
I only wanted to be friends. I had made my peace with the fact that B and I would never be. I only wanted to know he didn't hate my guts. Please don't hate me. Please don't think I'm worth less than the shit you just stepped in on the bottom of your shoes. Please, just please, I want to know that at least one of the men I had loved and given myself too felt just the tiniest bit of something positive for me. And so I emailed B, with the only email address I had for him, 4 years old, and doubting he even used it anymore, but I wanted to try.
And to my complete and utter surprise, B replied. He not only replied but his emails and those that followed were not what I expected at all. It seems that B deeply regretted his knee jerk decision. He, himself, had thought of reaching out but never did because he knew he hurt me and didn't want to stir up bad memories. But what surprised me the most was that 4 months later, we got back together to give it another try.
Which brings up us to the present. We have now been dating for 6 months. And, up to this point it has been going well. I have been very careful in what I ask for or voicing my desires out of this relationship because I don't want to spook him again. But, that is part of my problem. When I asked him 6 months ago how he felt about me, he said he liked me and cared about me. When I ask him now, how he feels about me, he said he likes me and cares about me. Do you see a problem? I do. In 6 months we have made no progress - our relationship is not moving forward or progressing.
For my part, I have always loved him, and after six months, I am sure I still do love him very much. I've known this man almost 4 years now and I'm ready to commit to him completely. He, however, after 6 months still doesn't love or me said it.
I was fine with our relationship, happy with it, until a few weeks ago. I don't know if it is one thing, or another, that is bothering me. I don't know if it is all the things combined. But I hate that he doesn't love me. I hate that the relationship is long distance. I hate that we have not talked about the future and turning this fantasy into a reality. I am ready to end the long distance and move up there. This surprises even me because I thought this summer would be the earliest I'd want to move up. But, at this point, I don't think I am strong enough to deal with a long distance relationship any longer. I'm seeing him in mid-Feburary and if something doesn't give, I'm seriously considering breaking things off because, right now, NONE of my needs (other than the small potential of all my dreams becoming a reality someday) are being met.
Up to this point, I have purposely not told him "I love you." I have not talked about how I'm ready to move forward - meaning getting engaged and moving up. I haven't talked about the future at all. Don't want to spook! Don't want to spook! Don't want to spook! That is my motto with B. I haven't told him how close I am to breaking up. Why? Because I don't want to spook him. Because I don't want to push him before he is ready. Because I want to give him time.
But, that means I'm overlooking my needs and desires which are, truthfully, just as important as his. I wish I had the guts and courage to say, "Look, this is what I want and this is what I need and if you can't give it to me, then we need to split so I can find someone who can."
But I love him so much and I could be mistaken that he cares for me much more deeply than he is letting me know. That come February he is thinking the same thing I am? Or what if I just give him a month or two more and he makes all my dreams come true? But what if he doesn't. What if he can't. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should walk or be patient a little longer.
All I do know if that my desires are important too and I need to respect them more than I have been up to this point. But how do I do that without feeling like I'm making the biggest mistake in my life?
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