I feel like I'm Manipulating my Boyfriend

Even though I'm in a one sided relationship, I feel a sense of peace about it.  I'm not happy about it, but I'm not freaking out worrying about it.  It's nice to be certain about something.  There is no more need for questioning or guessing.

Knowing how my boyfriend feels about  me and where I stand with him allows me the information I desire to make an informed decision.  Even though I know he doesn't love me, I do love him.  And I made the decision to tell him so, to say "I love you", first, because it was costing me more to hold my tongue when I was busting to tell him.  I knew I wouldn't get an, "I love you" back and I was perfectly okay with that.  I don't regret my decision.  Saying it released a knot I had inside.  And, even though he wasn't saying it back.  It actually made me happy to say it to him the times I have.

I am no longer nervous about what I say.  I no longer worry about messing up.  I have nothing to lose because I never gained anything in the relationship TO lose.  So, I have become much more straightforward and blunt when I talk with him.  I'm more open and clear because I'm not scared of being rejected or losing him anymore.  I  never had him to begin with.  You can't lose what you never had.

Knowing that there is no future for us together, knowing, I have reverted back to making plans that only include myself.  And, although I have not been rubbing that in my boyfriends face, he would have to be an idiot not to pick up the change in vibes.  A perfect example was the other morning when the neighborhood dogs, barking, woke me.  I thought it would be nice to move somewhere where houses were further apart so neighbor's sounds don't distract.  My boyfriend knows I'm only living in my currently place temporarily and that I am ready to purchase and move into a house - to finally have a home.  I commented that I might start looking for a neighborhood like that and see about purchasing my first home a year from now.  Of course, that implication being I'm putting down roots here and I'm not planning to move to him.

His behavior and treatment of me, his feelings toward me, are nothing more than that of a good close friend.  And, as such, I'm slowly starting to treat him only as a friend in return.

All this stuff seems natural to me.  I'm not doing it for any reason other than it just is how I'm feeling.  But it is a departure from my normal self.  I am very open with my feelings and don't hold back.  I don't fall in love fast, but I fall in love hard.  And, to date, when I have fallen in love, even if things don't work out, I don't stop loving that person.  I simple more forward knowing that my love isn't returned.  I'm a giver and I like to please and make those I care about happy.  The change is me pulling back a little and being less "oh this would be wonderful for us" to being more, "Hmm, I think I should look into doing this for myself."

To my surprise and horror, it seems that my more relax attitude and me pulling back some has seemed to, just a wee bit, pulled my boyfriend closer.  Over the past few days, he seems to be starting to give me what I have been crying out and dying for over the past 6 weeks.

The "I miss you"s and the "Hugs and kisses", the best I ever get from him, seem to being coming a tad more frequently.  And, 3 days after I started saying, "I love you", I finally got a "Love you" back one night as I wished him good night.  And, I've gotten 2 more "love you"s since then.

I feel like he doesn't care and his new behavior and words are only coming my way as a response to *my* new behavior towards him.  I feel like I'm manipulating him into saying stuff that he doesn't mean, feel, or would have normally said in the first place.  How do you go from one day saying you "care a lot about someone and like someone alot" to saying "love you" only 3 days later?  I don't think you do.

I makes me sad that my boyfriend doesn't feel the same way about me.  It makes me even sadder that he is feeling forced into saying and pretending he does feel those things when he doesn't and isn't ready too.  The last thing I want is to pressure him.  I want to give him time to get there completely on his own.  At the same time, I'm not going to wait forever for him to get there.  I feel there is a fair balance between you giving him enough time to "get there" and you not waiting around for you to finally get your needs met when it might never happen.

You would think that I'd be excited and happy to finally get some "miss yous", "hugs and kisses", and "love yous", but to my surprise, they are doing nothing for me.  2 weeks ago, getting any type of message from him like that would make my heart flutter and make me giddy all day.  But now, they are doing nothing for me and I'm feeling nothing.  I love my boyfriend.  I know that will never change.  But I'm feeling zero love from him.  I don't feel he loves me at all nor will he ever.  He says he thinks of me "long term", but I've heard that before.  I just can't and don't believe him anymore.  His words and actions are not those of someone thinking of a woman as "long term".  The messages are not making me feel loved at all.  Maybe my love tank is so empty and dead that it's gonna take a spark much bigger than a text message saying "love you" to get it started again.