Kiss and Tell

I'm Ugly because otherwise I'd be Perfect!

2012-02-11T07:03:00.000-06:00

Wednesday - Cleaned apartment from top to bottom. It was so nice and pretty afterwards =3

Thursday - Did laundry.

Friday - Finished laundry, went grocery shopping, did dishes, got ready for friend's wedding shower, paid bills, updated misc. websites.

Saturday (Today)- Wedding Shower. And, as much as I was looking forward to it, now I'm suddenly not. It's in another city, in a place I'm not familiar with. With my bad sense of direction, I'm totally afraid it's going to take me forever to find it. Plus, well, I'm jealous. Attend events that I know I'll never have thrown for me is, well, depressing. But I absolutely want to make it wonderful for my friend and so I wouldn't miss it for the world. =)

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So, as I was driving home last night, I started thinking that I really like myself and who I am as a person. A lot. I'm intelligent/smart. I have a BBA from the University of Texas Austin. I have a good job that I like and pays well. I have my own apartment - living on my own rather than with my folks or mooching off someone else. It is full of really nice things that I picked out. It is decorated wonderfully. Always nice and clean. I have all of what I need and most of what I want. I'm not in debt and have a nice savings.

Having always been on my own, I've learned to be independent and self-reliant. I don't need someone to hold my hand (although I would love to have someone do so) and don't need to be babied or coddled.

I know exactly who I am and what I want.

I'm a nice person who is good. I'm friendly and people tend to like me rather than not. I'm able to put others before my self - but more importantly, I'm able to factor in those around me when making decisions rather then being self absorbed.

I have morals and character - that don't consist of "me, me, and only me".

I'm honest, loyal, responsible, dependable. If I say I'm going to do something, I'll do it and do it well. You can trust that the words that come out of my mouth are the truth.

I'm capable of loving deeply, truly, and eternally. I don't think everything should be about myself. I'm not selfish or self centered. I would never cheat on someone and when I devote myself to them - you can believe that means forever.

The only thing I don't like about myself is that I'm fat and ugly. I think I'm quite the catch other than that. And it occurred to me that if I wasn't fat and ugly, I'd be perfect. =D

I feel so Young

2012-02-10T07:09:00.000-06:00

Even though I'm 32, I don't feel 32. I feel more like 22. I'm not talking about being young at heart or maturity - although I'm sure that is part of it, but it is just that my life experience is so limited that it is more that of a 22 year old than a 32 year old.

I've only slept with 2 guys, and even then, only a time or two each. Never lived with a guy and played house I've never really had a boyfriend. I've never been proposed too or engaged. Never married, never had kids. Never divorced. Never owned a house. Never really had a home.

At 32, with those things lacking, I feel there is a huge gap in my developmental education. It is this whole aspect of life that I've never experienced. And, at 32, I doubt I ever will.

I also look younger than I am. Perhaps that is because I haven't experienced those things that I have retained a sense of youthfulness about me? Although, I can tell I'm aging and as I lose weigh, I begin to look more my age.

But, I have done some things. I have had several jobs. I've lived on my own. I do live on my own in an apartment. I own a complete set of very nice apartment furniture. I own my own car.

In fact, now that I think about it, I've done a lot of things on my own that other people have only ever down with someone else at their side. Perhaps that is a boon and blessing? I know I can function without a partner at my side - can everyone else say the same?

The Mysterious ML

2012-02-09T07:02:00.000-06:00

The other day, I had a conference call to demo a new system being developed at work. The guy giving the demo was, well, we will call him ML so as to protect his privacy.

At the beginning of the call, introductions were made and I found out that ML was actually one of the developers for the system. I was instantly intrigued because programming is also my line, that meant he was smart, and I'm attracted to smart nerdy programmer guys.

15 minutes into the call, I was hooked. He sounded cute, was clearly smart, had a good job, and I could hear some personality coming out as he presented the system to us. I started wondering if he was married or single. Did he have a girlfriend? How old is he? What did he look like? Was he big and scruffy? Skinny and nerdy? What did he do in his spare time? Did he like to game and if so what types?

45 minutes into the call, I kind of stopped because I realized it didn't much matter. He lived in another part of the country, was probably taken, and wouldn't be attracted to a fat heifer like me anyways.

Towards the end of the call, my coworker and friend IMed me saying, "Is it just me, or does ML sound cute to you?" Now, my friend is happily married, but she knows I'm unhappily single - which might have accounted for the message. But, I thought it was hilarious that we both thought the same thing.

After the call, we googled ML up to try to find a picture with no lucky. I did find one of him later, but he was turned to the side and facing down in the photo. So, you really couldn't tell what he looks like. But he is young, I'd say between 25 and 30ish. Thin, almost too much so for my tastes. I like guys who are husky. I'd guess, from the side view, he is probably pretty cute.

Oh well, shout outs to ML out there. You have a fans. =)

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My weigth was down this morning, .4 pounds, but that still puts me over my lowest and not anywhere near my goal of 185 this week. I'm not even in the 186's. I really am baffled. But, my body weight was down .1 pound. I don't know what is up (other than my weight) =(

I've changed my morning routine up a little bit. I've been getting up a little earlier in the morning and running on the treadmill for about 10 minutes. I'm hoping that doing so might jump kick my metabolism for the day. After I finish jogging, I continue with my regular morning routine. It also allows me to not have to work out quite as long in the evenings. Here's hoping it all pays off in the end.

London 2012

2012-02-08T06:35:00.000-06:00

The company I work for is holding a contest to design a lapel pin for the 2012 London Olympic games. Since I didn't have anything to do at the time, I went ahead and designed one. I still need to submit it, along with an essay, but if my pin gets picked, I win a 5 day trip to London during the Olympic games. That would be pretty sweet.

I'm down 1 pound this morning but that still puts me 1 pound higher than my lowest. I don't get it. Why am I not losing weight? It does seem I'm losing body fat and gaining muscles - if the scale can be trusted, but dang it, I want to get down to 185!

Yesterday sucked so bad, just like I thought it would. There is a problem with one of the courses I created once it was uploaded live. It works find on the development environment (which should be a mirror of live) but it just isn't working. No one seems to offer any suggestions on how to fix it - just a bunch of running around finger pointing. So, I stayed late and decided to just rebuild the whole thing in a different format. There are a few kinks I have to solve today (hopefully that goes well) and then hopefully we can get this problem resolved.

I hate finger pointing and ass covering. Fix the problem not the blame. I'm all about just getting a problem solved and so when everyone around me is not - it pisses me off.

This is going to be a bad day...

2012-02-07T06:40:00.000-06:00

I just woke up knowing today is going to be a bad day. I didn't sleep well. I had restless sleep. I was sleeping but never got to that deep soul restoring sleep. So, I finally gave up trying and just woke up. As a result, I'm a bit tired.

Then, I stepped on the scale and was up a pound! How can I be up. I'm eating right and not splurging. I'm exercising. It's not my period as far as I know. My body fat isn't down particularly low, my water isn't up, and my muscle isn't up. I don't get it. I was up .2 yesterday and now a pound today. =(

The only good news is that my measurements are down 1 and half to two inches.

I finished reading the His Dark Materials series Sunday. Now I think I'm going to read Coming Apart.

And Life Goes On...

2012-02-06T06:40:00.000-06:00

I still/never was able to get the payment issue with SWTOR resolved. Several back and forths did nothing. In a last ditch attempt, I went and purchased a game card. Luckily, it worked. So now I have 60 days of game play.

This weekend I decided to make heart shaped lady bugs for Valentine's Day. I'm going to take them into the office tomorrow for my co-workers. They turned out really cute. I got the idea from here:

http://www.cheryls.com/sweet-valentine-goodies.product.702203.19760

I got my nails done yesterday. French tips with clear glitter on top. The glitter looks okay but I'll not do it again. It looks a little too childish to me.

This coming weekend I'll be attending my friend's wedding shower. And I'm really jealous. I wish I would be able to have a wedding shower someday but I know it's not to be.

Last night I dreamed I was being raped by a group of men. Part of me was happy and excited. Happy that these men thought I was fuckable and good enough to rape. Part of me was horrified as all women are when it comes to rape. I screamed and screamed out for my boyfriend but he never came. And in the dream and in reality, at the same time, I realized why he wasn't coming to my aid. It was because not only didn't I have a boyfriend but that my boyfriend in my dream wasn't even real. I had latched on to a fictional character. I remember laughing and crying in my dream that my boyfriend was double fake as my dream self was raped. But at least those men thought I was fuckable. That's something and more then I get in reality.

Failed Week

2012-02-05T13:30:00.000-06:00

count "one!" and continue on
count "two!" and take a break
count "three!" and think
just continue on at your own pace

time flows you're left behind
don't forget that impatient feeling
don't say that the reckless challenge
was futile after all; don't give up

offense! when you're in pain
let's let out a whisper and go
offense! face yourself toward
the direction you're aiming

no cowering at the giant wall
towering before you
no hesitating at this life
that has no answer either
keep to your own pace

count "one!" and continue on
count "two!" and take a break
count "three!" and think
just continue on at your own pace

not understanding the real reason to learn
we lose our freedom
even if we're called cowards
we yield one step that is courage

offense! let's not worry about our surroundings
let's let out our voices and go
offense! let's relax our shoulders and
now, let's face it

as for the picture of the future drawn into the sky
even if we don't arrive at it now
some day let's stretch out both arms
and go grab it
keep to your own pace

offense! let's try letting out
as big a voice as we can
offense! face yourself toward
the direction you're aiming

no cowering at the giant wall
towering before you
even if you keep running away saying it won't happen
there are no substitutions

the bell has begun to resound
now is the time to take a stand
no hesitating at this life that
has no answer
keep to your own pace

count "one!" and continue on
count "two!" and take a break
count "three!" and think
just continue on at your own pace

I didn't make my weight goal last week =( But it wasn't because I messed up or didn't try. I just did make it. This morning I was 186.8. Hopefully, I'll reach my goal of 185 this week.

Fate's Cruel Joke on Men and Women

2012-02-03T06:51:00.000-06:00

There is only two things a man looks for in a woman - and only one of those is needed if the other is present. Is she hot and is she nice?

Here is the cruel kicker - it's impossible for a woman to be both. Oh, sure, you can find hot woman who are not total bitches but, sorry - it is impossible for a hot woman to be nice and caring the way a man wants her to be.

When a woman grows up thin and hot in our society, we train (yes train) them to NOT be nice. From a young age guys teach them that they can be bitches because they are hot. Things are given easily to them because both men and woman treat them better for being pretty. And, they are told from youth that they are better than others because of their beauty. They are told they are royalty and they act royal - royal pain in the ass.

Ugly, fat, girls on the other hand are treated like dog shit. They learn young how crappy if feels when you are treated like that, so one of two things will happen. They will either go out of their way to not make other people feel like that OR they will go out of their way to treat others as badly as they have always been treated. Nothing is given to fat ugly girls - they have to work twice as hard for everything. They can't rely on looks, so they have to double up on the personality to win people over.

So the bottom line is, guys, you can have hot or you can have nice but you can't have both. If you think you won the jackpot and have a girl who is both, I beg to differ. Put your "nice" hot wife against and "ugly" nice girl and you can't even compare the level of niceness there.

Bad news for us girls is that hot will win out over nice any day. When guys have to pick, and they always pick, hot will win out.

Weight Loss Strategy

2012-02-02T07:07:00.000-06:00

After 4 years of trying to lose weight, I think I've finally figured out the secret mix so that *I* lose weight.

-Don't eat more than 1200 calories a day.
-Exercise 30 minutes a day.
-Profit.

But, it's not that easy. I tend to lose weight during the week and then gain back most of it over the weekend. So, Monday comes around and I start all over again, only slightly lower than when I started last Monday. It's a slow process.

Making I never eat over 1200 calories yet getting enough food so I'm not starving is not easy feat. I'm pretty limited in what I can eat because a lot of foods are so high in calories that, if I ate it, that would be all I could eat for the day - and then I'd just be hungry all day.

Fast Food and Restaurants are out. You just simply can't stay within a 1200 calorie budget, go out, and not break it.

The only think I drink is water and unsweetened tea. Most drinks are around 200 calories and do nothing to fill you up. So, I pass on beverages and use those 200 calories for food.

No junk food or sweets. They taste good, yes, but they are very high in calories, don't fill you up, and worse, usually leave you craving for more. If I need something sweet, I usually eat a piece of bread with peanut butter or a Kashi bar.

I don't know why my body gains or doesn't lose weight if I eat more that 1200 calories. I just don't know - but that explains why I have been fat since a baby. It doesn't matter if I exercise for 4 hours a day. Anything over 1200 calories will convert to fat. My body just won't burn those additional calories.

When I was going to the gym for 2 to 4 hours a day, and didn't lose anything, I was eating 1600 calories a day (as per my trainer). If I had stuck to 1200 calories like I wanted, I would have lost.

I dunno know how to explain it, but I am a very tiny person (just fat), so it makes sense that I would need a smaller amount of calories to sustain myself.

On the other hand, anything more than 30 minutes of exercise is a waste. I have noticed that I am always at my lowest weight in the morning and nothing I do changes that. I can exercise during the middle of the day for 4 hours straight, sweating buckets, and I will still weigh more than I did in the morning.

So, 30 minutes is the optimal amount of time. I could probably get away with less than that, but 30 minutes gives me a little boost and tones me up a bit.

I hope to be 180 by March 10th. This morning I was 187.4. My mini goal is to get to 186 by the end of this week.

Victory at Work

2012-02-01T06:49:00.000-06:00

I have to admit, the email from yesterday morning is still weighing heavily on my mind. I can't figure out what I ever did to desire such hatred and cruelty directed at me. I'm sure, after a little while, it will become a forgotten memory, but for now it stings.

What I was going to write about yesterday morning was my small victory at work. When I first started working, my co-worker noticed that the cafeteria didn't stock Frosted Flakes. Since she is a fan, I started checking every Monday to see if they had any, and if not, every Monday filling out a request for Frosted Flakes.

I fully intended to spend my entire career there with this routine. Imagine my surprise and delight when, this Monday, I walked in to a basket full of Frosted Flakes! Victory!

And, they seem to be selling pretty well too - which is good. I plan on framing he cereal box lid to display on my desk.

So, if you try, sometimes you can make a difference =)

My next mission is to get them to post Nutritional information about their food on their website.

Ass Holes Online

2012-01-31T06:43:00.001-06:00

So, I woke up indifferent, ready to face a new day, and see what it had in store for me. I check my email to see I have a new message from OKCupid. I go to check the message and see it says, "Your[sic] a bit obese. Lose weight and you will have better luck with guys. Sorry, I'm very blunt." Now, I don't know why he sent that. I hadn't emailed him first, I hadn't been in contact with him, I hadn't checked his profile, I hadn't anything. He just send it out of the blue. Why would he feel the need to say something so cruel?

I finally emailed him back asking what the point of that message was because I'm honestly baffled.

Yes, it made me cry. Yes, it ruined my day. And damn it, if that is all guys care about, if that is the full measure of men, then I don't want one. You can all go down to hell for all I care because any guy who has that attitude in life is going to hell. Heaven is too good for ass holes.

Because it is all we know...

2012-01-30T07:16:00.000-06:00

It's amazing what we put up with just because we don't know any better. Since I've been trying to lose weight, I've avoided going out to eat. Sure, since the holidays just passed, I've been out more than I'd like with friends and family, but for the most part, I avoid it like the plague.

Stop going to restaurants for a few months and when you finally go back to one you'll realize something funny. The experience sucks. Why do people love to go out and eat - it wasn't pleasant? And then it hit me. It's because people just don't know better. They are so use to what they get that they don't dream to expect anything different or better.

The service is atrocious. It was was Mother's 60th birthday and so I couldn't get out of eating lunch with her and the family. It was the b-day girls choice and she'd been dying for Longhorn Steakhouse for a while now.

We walk in on a Sunday afternoon around 1:00. The place was only half full and we were told the wait would be 5 to 10 minutes. We grabbed some menus to pass the time and sat down to wait. As I looked up, I noticed half the tables and booths empty and couldn't understand the wait time.

10 minutes later we were seated. As we waited another 10 minutes for our waiter to come take our drink ordered, I noticed several unbused tables and commented that I wonder if they were understaffed today.

Finally our waiter comes to take our drink orders and before he leaves I tell him we are also ready to order. I start to order a half sandwich and salad lunch combo when I'm promptly told they don't serve lunch on the weekends. Nonpuss, I asked if they have the sandwich just as a regular meal. Again no. So I told him we are not ready to order and he goes off to get our drinks.

I really didn't like the fact that they didn't serve lunch on the weekends. Especially when I know they only do it so they can charge more money for a dinner meal. Which brings me to price.

The price of going out is astronomical. It's almost $20 per person. That is 1/3 of my food allowance for the whole week!

So, I look at the menu and really don't see anything at all that interests me. All the options were large, unhealthy, and expensive - dinner size. It's lunch, I want light. Despite the fact that it is a Sunday, it is still lunch time, imagine that!

Which brings me to portion sizes and health factors. There wasn't anything healthy on that menu. And one meal is usually enough to feed two or three people. There was a 500 calorie menu option, it was just smaller potions of some of the regular menu items. It was in small print at the bottom of the menu - hidden away like something shameful. Heck, you couldn't even just order the items by name - it instructed you, if you wanted it, that you had to specifically inform your waiter that you wanted the 500 calories version.

Way to make me feel like an outcast just for wanting a normal meal.

I couldn't find a single thing I wanted on the menu - nothing sounded good and if I am going to blow my calories allowance for the day, I want to blow it on something good. So I finally decided on a side salad with ranch on the side. Which, btw, the server brought to me with everyone else's salads instead of with the meals! It was the only thing I ordered, of course I want it with the meals! At the very least, ask me. It was $4 for something the side of a $1 value menu salad I could get at Wendy's.

So, we are eating way to much, eating unhealthy, getting piss poor service and... the food isn't even that great. Yeah, I said it... chain restaurants and fast food food really isn't all that good. We just think it is. They add so much salt and sugar to the food that we become addicted.

Yeah, the experience is really not encouraging me to go out and spend my hard earn money on the eating out experience. I rather eat out once or twice a year at a really nice place than several times a year and get a sub-par experience.

It makes me wonder how much other stuff in our life we put up with and except because we don't know better...?

Weddings, Showers and Living Together

2012-01-26T19:49:00.000-06:00

When my best friend told me she was finally going to make an honest man of her boyfriend after living with him for nearly 10 years, it never occurred to me that she wouldn’t have a Wedding Shower. It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t register.

When I got the email invitation to her Wedding Shower though, I was a little miffed. It smacked of cheapness to not send out real invitations. But, I couldn’t hold that against my friend because she wasn’t the one planning and in charge of the Wedding Shower.

But, by golly, when I looked at my friend’s wedding registry to look for a Shower present, I got upset. I got upset because it was apparent that she registered for a bunch of stuff she didn’t need. She registered for stuff she would never buy for herself. She registered for doubles of items. She registered in a, "I’m getting married so I’m entitled to upgrades to all my current stuff” manner. And that *did* rub me the wrong way.

It struck me as tacky.

The point of a wedding shower is to provide newly weds with basic stuff to get started with their new life together. The theory is, they don’t have anything and gifts from a shower are to help them out. The point of a shower is not for people to replace all their old stuff.

I won’t go into that my friend's current stuff might not be the greatest – but it *is* functional. As such, I don’t think she *needs* any of the stuff she registered for. No, what it is is stuff she *wants*. She’s been living with this guy for TEN years. She has everything she needs to live just fine. So why then, just because she is getting married, does she have a right to upgrade all her stuff?

If I never am lucky enough to get married, why am I never entitled to register for all my friends and family to donate new household items to me? Why does getting married make people feel they are entitled to new stuff?

I must admit, the only thing that really upset me is the fact that they registered for frivolous stuff. Had they not, I wouldn’t have minded. And, sadly, because I know them so well, I know the best present one could give them- if one wanted to wish them well – is nothing more than plain old cash.

I decided to give them $50 for their shower. I got 25 $2 bills and I’m going to make them into origami roses, arrange them into a vase, and give that to her. I’m not sure what I’m going to do for the wedding. Part of me wants to make sure her days and events are very special. I think every woman deserves a wonderful wedding. But, at the same time, I’m conflicted about how much money to give them. I’m a little offended by the tackiness so far.

Valentine’s Day

2012-01-25T06:54:00.002-06:00

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. I love the idea, I hate that I never get to participate. In my 32 years, never once have I had a Valentine’s, gotten a present, or had a boyfriend for this day. So, I finally decided it is about time I finally have a Valentines. Myself.

Who should love me better than, well, me? So I went out and purchased myself a ring, a card, and a nice little bag to put it all in. I wrapped it all up – and hid it. Come Valentine’s Day, I’ll pull it out and gift myself.

Valentine’s Day isn’t all about romantic love. It is just about love. If you know someone lonely on this Valentine’s Day – why don’t you show them how much they mean to you by doing a little something nice for them.

Stop dating like a Fat Chick

2012-01-24T06:27:00.000-06:00

It finally occurred today that I date like a fat chick and that is part of my problem. Yes, I am a fat chick but I should date like a chick, not a fat one. A fat chick is open minded and willing to date those normal girls will not. She is always nice. Goes out of her way to please her man. Does little things to make him happy. Shares in the cost. Doesn’t bitch and complain. Often overlooks short comings and fuck ups. Doesn’t express when she is upset for fear of losing her man. She often allows herself to be treated poorly because she doesn’t think she can find better.

In short, she puts up with stuff that no normal chick would. Maybe the guy is a jerk and is dating her because all the normal chicks dump his lame ass after he fucks up. Maybe he does have clue but just doesn’t give a damn about you and so fails to try. Whichever it is, the results are always the same. He will break your heart and you need to dump his ass ASAP.

Stop. Take a second and think. Would you demand and expect to be treated differently if you were the most gorgeous woman in the world? If you would, then you need to stop dating like a fat chick and start dating like you *are* the most gorgeous woman in the world.

Might I lose some men for being more demanding? Sure, but if they don’t treat you like a queen, then they shouldn’t be treated like a king. If a guy cares about you, he will treat you like a queen even if you are butt ugly. Therefore, if a guy isn’t treating you like a queen, he doesn’t care about you and who cares if you lose him. You never had him and you are better off without him.

Make a guy come to you. Sorry, but if a guy is interested, he will chase you. That’s what guys are biologically programed to do. So, as much as it sucks… if a guy isn’t asking you out – move on.

Make a guy put in some effort. Again, if the guy isn’t putting in any effort or very little effort – he isn’t that into you. A guy who is into a girl will move mountains for her.

Make him take you out on a real date and make him pay. My last guy said that girls who are worth it expect a guy to spend some money on them on the first date. And most guys expect to have to spend some money on the first date on the girl. Don’t go dutch or offer to pay for him. If a guy likes you, he will happily pay for the first date. He will want to impress you. He will not suggest you go out for coffee and not even offer to buy your $2 cup of tea. If he doesn’t offer to pay, takes you somewhere lame, or suggest dutch – do what you need to do but don’t go out with him again.

Make sure he calls when he says he will. A guy makes time for what is important to him and a girl he digs? Well he sure as heck is going to call her. If he isn’t – he isn’t that into you and you need to move on.

In fact, make sure he just calls. If he isn’t in good communication with you – then move on. He is distracted by other girls or things more interesting than you. And a pretty girl is always the most interesting too all guys.

Make sure he treats you well and makes you feel good. A guy who likes you will live in fear of losing you to another guy. If he isn’t doing things to make you want him – move on cause he doesn’t want you.

On that note, a guy who likes you will wants to be exclusive early on. He won’t want to risk losing you to some other guy. He will want to stake his claim. If he isn’t – he is dating other and not all that into you.

Buys you stuff and takes you out on nice dates. Again, guys try to impress. If he isn’t trying to impress you, that is because he doesn’t think you are worth impressing.

Introduces you to his friends and family. If a guy isn’t introducing you to those closest to him – he is ashamed of you and you need to dump him before he dumps you.

My Weekend

2012-01-23T06:39:00.000-06:00

My weekend wasn't that great. I think getting that job news on Friday really has me down. And not being able to play SWTOR left me bored. My company had a picnic type event on Saturday which I dropped by with a friend. I was really disappointed. It was an event mainly for children. I didn't see much there for adults. So, that was another added downer. I was hoping that there would be more opportunity to mingle with coworkers.

Maybe I should suggest an event that allows coworker to mingle - an "adult" event where it is spouses and adults only. No kids. To say that my workplace flavors its employees with children is an understatement.

Another thing that has me down is my weight, which is not. I got down to 188.6 early last week and then it popped right back up. This morning I was 190.2. So, I'm going to bust my balls to get down to 187 by Friday.

But then... it's my mom's b-day this weekend and I'm sure she is going to want to eat out - which will blow all the weight loss and throw me right back up to 190. =(

SWTOR and Singles Night

2012-01-22T07:11:00.000-06:00

So, I got up this morning to spend a few hours playing SWTOR. I checked my email first and saw I had an email for SWTOR saying my payment failed. Shocked, I logged into my account to fix the problem. 15 minutes and several credit cards later, I was no closer to fixing the problem as when I started. Every card, I got a payment failure message.

So, I did a quick search on their forums to learn that I am not the only person to have this problem. I decided I didn't want to spend hours on the phone with someone from India, so I'm going to wait and see if they fix their payment system on their own. If not, I guess I won't be playing SWTOR. Sucks big time.

On other news, I was talking to my friend the other day and she mentioned I should join a church singles group. I was very slow when I replied, "You know, I've been to a lot of different churches and not one has ever has a singles group. There are not a lot of singles at church - church is more for families." She replied, "My church doesn't have one." And that ended that.

But then, after I had dropped her home, I started thinking. Maybe we could start one. There might not be a lot of singles at one particular church but what if you gather all the singles from many churches? What if, once or twice a month you all met up for a Singles Night. You all meet up to do something fun like miniature golf or a movie and dinner, or visiting the zoo? It would allow other singles a chance to mingle plus give them a fun evening out.

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. I think I'm going to run it by my friend and see if she would be interested if helping me set that up.

Job Whoas

2012-01-21T07:11:00.001-06:00

So my day has been a wash from start to “almost” finish. This whole week I have fallen asleep crying because I’m just so lonely and alone and don’t want to live the next 70 years of my life by myself. And, I just can’t understand why, oh why, not a single person in the world is willing to at least like me.

Today, I learned that my boss is no longer going to be my boss starting February 1st. Myself, and the 4 other people on my team are going to be moved to another department. We don’t know who our new boss is going to be or what is to become of us. I liked my old boss and it is going to suck to get a new one. But more than that, I’m just scared I’m going to lose my job. =(

What's Wrong With Me?

2012-01-20T06:59:00.002-06:00

It seems so easy to look at other people and see what they have done wrong to end up with the messed up life they have but when it comes to my own, to understand why I’m in the position I am in, I can’t see clearly. Since most things *are* a result of our actions, I find it difficult to believe that I am the exception to the rule.

So, what did I do to end up alone, no family, and no kids? What did I do that makes me so undesirable that I’ve never had a single boyfriend and can count the number of dates I’ve been on on one hand?

That I didn’t try to diet and control my weight as a child? Is that truly my fault or the fault of my parents and doctor? Neither ever even said a single thing to me about my weight. No indication was ever given me that my weight *was* a problem and I might want to work on it. If a child is taught that killing is good, is the kid to blame for killing? If I was total my body was good, am I to blame for not trying to fix something I didn’t know was broken?

That I didn’t socialize enough? That during high school and college, I wasn’t enough of a butterfly? That I didn’t try hard enough to snag a guy? I didn’t know you had to work so hard for a boyfriend. I just thought one naturally meant another and interested formed. I didn’t know that everyone out there with a partner spent every waking hour hunting for a partner until they found one.

Other than that, I can’t really think much of what I did wrong to be such a defective female. I don’t know why no man alive will accept me.

Whoas

2012-01-19T07:01:00.001-06:00

So, I have been suffering quite a bit from the, “everything is going wrong” syndrome for quite some while now. I try my best to live my life is such a way as to avoid those “oh shit” moments but they always seem to find me. I find myself waiting with baited breath for the next calamity to strike.

Every time I turn around to fix my car, a new problem with it arises. Then, my bath tub faucet started to leak. Then, just when I think I have something done at work, they turn around asking for something new or different to be done to that project.

I’d say I’m pretty stressed, but I don’t think I am. If I am, it’s just because I’ve learned to live with this constant humming of stress in my life.

Weight Loss Goals

2012-01-17T17:28:00.001-06:00

So, I am currently, as of this morning, 189 pounds. That is down a total of 20 pounds since I started on this journey to lose weight again. Sadly, I’m still 15 pounds heavier than my lightest, but I’m working on it. You would think that losing 20 pounds would make a big difference but it hasn’t. I can tell a few things are fitting a bit better but not by much. It is so frustrating to lose 20 pounds and not see a lick of difference. But, anyways, I have decided that I going to reward myself with the following stuff as I lose weight.

Biometrics Scale @ 189#s (20 pounds down). I just purchased it and I’m loving it. I’m hoping that having more information about my body will help me troubleshoot what I need to do differently to keep the weight coming off. The sad thing is, knowing more information about my body is just making me more upset as I learn how far I really have to go and how “unhealthy” society deems I am.

Get rid of clothes that are too big @ 180#s. I kind of have some clothes that I need to get rid of because they are too big or just worn out. I figure I’ll hold off doing this until I get to 180.

New Bathroom Mats or PS3 @ 170#s. So, which one I get depends on when I get down to 170 pounds. I meant to get a PS3, so I can play my DDR game for exercise, before Christmas. But, then, my car broke down and I had to spend a lot of money to get that fixed. So, I decided to hold off until I had more money. Now, I’m not going to get it until the summer, when it is hotter, and I’ll be exercising more inside than out. So, if it is summertime, I’ll get the PS3. If it is still spring or if it is fall – I’ll go with the mats.

New Wardrobe @ 160#s. This is the one I’m really excited about. It’s going to happen either at 160 pounds or until all my current clothes are falling off. Whichever comes first. I think 160 will come before my clothes are falling off of me.

PS3 or New Bathroom Mats @ 155#s. When I get down to 155, I’ll purchase a PS3 or New Bathroom Mats depending on which ever I didn’t get before. Why 155 instead of 150? Well, that is because I kind of need both and so I figure it will be close to a year before I get down to 155, so I went ahead and awarded myself.

My final goal is 130. If I do make it to 155, I don’t know what my rewards will be after that. But, even at 130, I’m still considered overweight by 2 pounds – but I think I can deal. I’d just be so freaking excited to get down to that weight.

I know one thing I plan on doing when I get to 130 is recreating my online dating self to see if I can’t start to actually get some descent guys hitting on me.

New Year

2011-12-30T15:53:00.002-06:00

I'm down to 193.5 this morning. I'm almost to where I was before all this holiday buhumbug started (193) which caused me to gain weight. I don't even know how I gained so much weight because I really didn't eat that much. Honest. I know I didn't eat more that 2000 calories each day and I double downed on exercise.

So, since I'm so close to getting back to 193 (and maybe even starting to lose again!), I'm thinking about not going over to my folk's for New Years Eve. It just seems like a waste of time to go over there just for dinner (ie, yummy but terrible for you food). If they insist, I plan on bringing over my own food to eat and not touching theirs. (Yeah, good luck with that!)

I've given up on ever finding a guy, unless by chance, I manage to lose the weight. I accept now that no guy will ever date, like, or fall in love with a fat chick. Those who say there are chubby chasers out there? Fuck you, you lying bastards. They don't exist and you know it. If you see a guy with a fat chick, it's because she was skinny when he married her and she gained weight afterwards. He just hasn't left her. If you asked him if he would date her now, at that weight, his answer would be hell to the no.

So, this new 2012 year, I'm planning to focus completely on losing weight and nothing else. The sad thing is, is that I've played this game before and lost. I just can't seem to lose the weight no matter what the hell I do.

You know, the world is suppose to end in 2012. I would love that. It's not that I hate my life or living. It's just that there is a big piece missing from my life that makes me void and empty inside. That is the side that wants love and wants to love. Life isn't worth living, sans that, IMO.

Scared and Alone

2011-12-29T12:37:00.000-06:00

So, I realized I'm totally chicken and scared to use the pregnancy test. I keep putting it off because I'm afraid I'm pregnant. And, I also realized that I'm totally alone and don't have anyone to share my fears with. It's so lonely. This week has been going so slow.

I read that, this year, a lot of people purchased stuff and are returning it because they purchased too much. One person said, "It's the stores own fault to marking things down so much and tempting us." Ummm... since when is it the stores fault if you purchased too much. I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for their own actions.

Work has sucked this week. No one is here, since everyone is taking off for the holidays, and so I can't get anything down because no one is here. I do have another 3 day weekend coming up for New Years. That will be nice.

And such is life...

2011-12-28T16:31:00.000-06:00

I think I *am* on my period. I think it is just so light I'm having a hard time telling. I don't think I have ever, in my life, had a period this light and it is freaking me out. I purchased a Clear Blue pregnancy test. My problem is when to take it. You're suppose to take it right before you are suppose to start your period. If I am on my period, then how can I take it before my period? I think I'll take one in a week around when I think my period should have started. I'm just scared I'm pregnant. Or that I'm not but that I'll take the test at the wrong time and it will say I'm pregnant.

Anyways, I have decided that on Saturday morning I am going to drive out to a state park, hike around, and then have a picnic lunch. Yes, I'm doing this all by myself. It will suck to be on my own but this is the type of stuff I have to get use to since I'm going to be alone for all my life. =(

AGHHHH

2011-12-27T06:40:00.000-06:00

So last night, right before I went to bed, I noticed a little bit of blood when I went to wipe. I thought, for sure, that I would be starting my period now. This morning? Nothing! I hate this more than not bleeding at all. Because if I am pregnant, this blood is not a good thing. And my stomach is hurting. Not real bad, more like the very light cramps I get right before I start my period and on the first day or two. So, I'm not worried *yet*, but if I don't start by the end of next week, I'm going to have to take a pregnancy test and go to the doctor.

I would be fucking amazed if I'm pregnant. I manage to get pregnant my first time having sex, while on my period, without the guy cumming in me, after taking the morning after pill between hours 48 to 72. I know women who try for years to get pregnant before they manage it.

I Don't Like the Night

2011-12-26T18:51:00.000-06:00

Funny, but during the day I tend to do okay but as soon as the sun goes down and it gets dark, I'm not doing as okay. Since it tends to get dark around 6:00 right now, that royally sucks for me. I was having an okay day but now I feel sucky.

On Christmas, I swear I saw some blood. I was so excited thinking that my period was coming and that would mean I'm not pregnant. But, alas, today, nothing. Grrr... I wish I would hurry up and start bleeding so I could chill and not worry about this anymore.

Christmas and my birthday were the same old same old. I think I've gained a little weight but I should be able to take it off over the next week. Hopefully.

Boyfriend's Past

2011-12-23T06:08:00.000-06:00

I don't really know why guys always treat me so bad. I don't know why they always sleep with me once and then leave me. But, more than that, I don't know why they lie so much to me. One said he loved me and then left me. The other said he wanted to be exclusive and make love to me forever and ever and then left me. That one also said he wasn't dating anyone else when he was. I don't get it.

So, now, I really do just give up. I've finally accepted that no one is ever going to love me. What I'm hoping for now is that, if I can manage to lose 50 to 70 pounds, I'll be good enough to find a guy who will sleep with me on a semi-regular bases. You know, like more than once before he leaves me in disgust.

BTW, it's my birthday today. No, I'm not doing anything. No, no one wished me a Happy Birthday or gave me a present. Just the way my life goes. The best present I could get is not being pregnant and losing a pound.

Losing Weight

2011-12-22T05:57:00.001-06:00

I really believe, with all my heart, that if I lose weight all my problems will go away. I'm positive that if I wasn't fat, tons of guys would want me and I could just pick the one I want. So, I'm going to highly focus the next year on losing weight. I've been trying for 3 years now with no luck.

Well, a little luck. I lost about 75 pounds but then gained 40 of those back while I was living with my folks and things were bad. I have since lost 15 after I moved out. I'm hoping I continue to lose. But, for me, it is never calories in calories out. I exercise daily and try to limit my calories to 1200 to 1500 a day and yet I still don't lose =(

And I still soooo hope I'm not pregnant!

----------------

Argh! I'm so mad. Yesterday, my dad got his collector editions of SWTOR. One was promised to me so I could play. So, he called me up and told me to come over to get it. BTW, the box is hugh!.

Anyways, so, yesterday I didn't get to play at all because I was running around at my parent's and by the time I got home it was too late. So, I woke up early this morning to enter in my product key, set up the authenticator, and then play some. Well, it turns out you need to enter in credit card information to play and yet the screen to enter in that information is down right now. So, I can't play.

So mad! =(

Not into Christmas

2011-12-21T06:34:00.000-06:00

This was the first year in a few I was really getting back into Christmas. Well, as you might have guessed, wham bam thank you mam, I'm not really into it anymore.

No one does anything for people whose birthdays are in December. Mine happens to be this Friday and I don't expect so much as a Happy Birthday (like always). But, one of my co-workers Birthday is today. I decided to bring her in a homemade apple pie. I don't know if she likes apple pie but she will love the gesture.

I'm down to 193.5. Not as fast as I would like. I hoped to be 193 this morning. But at least I didn't gain from yesterday!

Morning After Pill

2011-12-20T06:34:00.000-06:00

So, I never thought I would be put in a position of having to take the morning after pill. Just goes to prove that you never know what life is going to bring your way. It was remarkably easy to get, but cost prohibitive. If you are under 17, you need a prescription, but otherwise, just go to any pharmacy. Just head over to where the pregnancy tests and condoms are, and you will find a little Plan B card. Take it to the pharmacy, they will ask for ID, and then sell it to you. Easy. Problem is, it was $50. It ain't cheap and I can see lots of people not being able to afford that.

Lots of people complain about getting nauseous after taking the pill. I didn't have any problems. About 3 days later I started bleeding for about a week. I doubt it was my period, since I had just finished it the day before. I doubt it was breakthrough implantation bleeding because it lasted too long and was too heavy. No, I suspect it was just the pill messing with my body.

I don't *think* I'm pregnant. I sure hope I am not. I don't feel pregnant. My stomach isn't queasy. My breasts are not tender. I bleed too much. But, it is possible and until I know for sure, I'm going to be nervous. Technically, I could take a pregnancy test now but I'm chicken. I'm planning on waiting until my period, taking the pregnancy test, and then going to Planned Parenthood to get STD tested and checked out to make sure everything is alright.

In other news, SWTOR is being released today. I don't know the status on my pre-order, but I hope it comes in so I can play.

Why Are All The Guys Who Like Me Ass Holes?

2011-12-19T07:20:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it is about me, but it seems only ass holes are able to like me. Or at least think I'm fuckable.

So, the guy I've been dating for about 6 months? Turns out the whole time he was seeing two other girls. I know we were not exclusive yet, so him dating others didn't bother me. No, what pissed me off is the whole time he said he wasn't.

I suspected because he was always talking about other girls. And, he didn't talk to me as much as I thought he should have.

Last time he visited me, we had sex. Unprotected sex. Yeah, I know, stupid, but I really didn't plan it or want it. I wanted him to visit once more to make sure he would stick and then I was going to get on birth control. He didn't bring any condoms.

I thought not being on birth control would be enough to keep me from having sex. I was wrong. Turns out I was on my period which help lure me into it. We were doing pretty good but then before I knew it, he was inside me. After that, I know I could be pregnant, so I just wanted to finish what we started. I wanted to go out and buy some condoms. He didn't. And truthfully, I didn't either. It was late, cold, and wet outside. Neither wanted to get cleaned up and dressed to run out for condoms.

I could tell the sex could have been good, but it wasn't because we didn't have protection and couldn't let either of ourselves go.

He was only inside for a a minute or so when he was out and we forced ourselves to go to sleep. And I was, until he woke me back up later and put me on top of him. Before I knew it, he was inside me again. In and out, so he wouldn't cum inside me. It kind of sucked. He finally came outside of me, but too close to me down there for my liking.

The chances of me being pregnant are small but...

That night, we told me he would be exclusive with me. He told me he would make love to me forever and ever. After we had sex, he joked about 'Does he have to break up with me now?' - knowing that a guy leaving me right after sex is my biggest fear.

Then, less than 24 hours later, he emailed me breaking up. What an ass hole. He couldn't even call me to do it.

He called a few times since and I have refused to talk to him at all. It's been a week since I've heard from him. I want him to call, and call, and call so I can ignore him. I want him to feel like the ass hole he is. I hope the girl he dumped me for dumps him - uses him.

The next morning, once he broke up, I took the morning after pill for safety. I so hope I'm not pregnant. If I am, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll know for sure in a few weeks.

And now, I have to go get tested for STDs. If he lied about dating others, there is no reason he wouldn't lie about being STD free or having slept with others while sleeping with me.

My Second Ex

2011-12-18T07:35:00.000-06:00

Most of yesterday was spent Christmas Shopping. I'm not much into the Christmas spirit anymore this year since my Ex just broke up with me, but I had to make sure my mom got something for Christmas.

So, my Ex visited, we slept together (for the first time), and he broke up with me, by email, less than 24 hour afterwards. Hello can we say my worst nightmare. It was unprotected, and unplanned sex, too. So, the next day I asked a friend to take me to get the morning after pill (as my car was in the shop). Now I'm freaking out that I maybe pregnant. If I am, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Why do guys always break up with me after I sleep with them. Every single guy I have every slept with has broken up with me right afterwards. I'm I that bad in bed? I mean, I know I'm not good since I've only had sex 5 times, but they know this going into it with me? =(

The topper? Turns out he was seeing two other girls other than me all the while he was saying he was only dating me. What an ass hole!

Rain Rain Go Away

2011-12-17T09:59:00.002-06:00

I'm I sad because it is raining or is it raining because I'm sad?

I can never really tell. The last few weeks it has been nothing but wet, clouds, and rain. I'm so in need of some sunshine. Lost of bad stuff has been happening and the rain isn't helping to improve my mood.

This week has been going so slow. Each day seems to pass quickly enough, but the week itself has not. So, I'm so happy today is Friday.

The past few days my weight has gone up. I can't seem to get it back down again. I know I'm not eating more or exercising less. It's just something that adds to my frustration.

The past few weeks have been like a living never-ending nightmare. I keep hoping to wake up to discover it really has all been a nightmare. More on all that in later, future blogs.

Since today is Friday, that means it is clean the house day. Tonight, after work, I need to do laundry, clean the house from top to bottom, exercise, and play SWTOR.

Also on my list of things to do is grocery shopping for the week, returning some items to my mom, getting some drinkable water, and making sure my dad buys Christmas presents for my mom. I might go and purchase some stocking stuffers for my Mom - just so she has some surprises.

Christmas Parties

2011-12-15T06:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, at work, was the one and only Christmas related event my company is offering up. No Christmas bonus. No Christmas party. It was just a pot luck lunch with a tacky Christmas outfit contest.

I was pretty disappointed in how few people participated. I mean, this is the only holiday event being offered, you should have fun with it. As it turns out, I won 3rd place for the tacky Christmas outfit contest. Pretty cool, huh? But, I did have my Mom's teacher clothes to raid. =p

I've decided to diet, exercise, and lose weight again. This time, I'm going to do it - even if it means starving myself. I'm convinced I'll never find love unless I lose the weight and become thin(er). My goal is 130. At 5 feet flat, even that puts me in the overweight range. But, I think I'll look decent at that weight. So, I have 65 pounds to go.

I think I'm pretty. I think if I just lose the weight, I'll be considered pretty and will have guys flocking to me. I so desperately want to find love and someone to spend my life with. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I don't think it will happen as long as I'm fat. No guy loves fat girls.

In the meantime, my brother decided to switch SWTOR servers because he didn't like the old one. So, I switched, started over, and switch sides. Only netted one additional level last night.

SWTOR

2011-12-14T06:40:00.000-06:00

I was lucky enough to get an invite, on the first day, to SWTOR early release. I'm totally excited about the game because that means I actually have something to do in the evenings. I am pretty bored after work. Other than eating dinner, cleaning up after dinner, exercise, and a shower I don't have much to do in my evening hours. =( Now I'll have something to occupy my time!

Right now I'm level 7. I'm about to log in for a few minutes of play before I have to leave for work.

Apartment Life

2011-12-13T07:05:00.000-06:00

I don't know how someone as boring as me manages to have such a drama filled life. I've been in my new posh apartment for a month now. It looks great, is clean, and zen. I do enjoy it except it is too quiet and lonely. Sometimes I wonder why I have an apartment all to myself instead of living back with my parents. It seems a waste of space and money to live all on my own.

But then,all in all, when I think about it, I think it is for the best. Truthfully, my parent's place was too small for them, my brother, my grandmother, and I all living in it. This way, their house is much more comfortable without me in it. And, at 31 (almost 32), it is socially expected of me to be living on my own. It doesn't matter if I am single or not. Have kids or not. After a certain age, there is a stigma with living with your parents. I'm also more romantically desirable because I have my own place. I have more privacy. All in all, it is a good thing in today's world, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense logically. But whoever said people of today were logical?

My job is good. I think I'm going to like it. It is pretty laid back which I enjoy. That is an environment that I want to foster and keep. I finally have most of my software and access so I can start working on stuff. The work day goes by so much faster when one has things to do.

My car, on the other hand, has been a pain in the neck this past month. I've spent $1000 dollars on repairs. You know what they say, when it rains, it pours. I need to get the oil changed but after that, I hope I don't need to put any more money into it for a good year. First it was the breaks squeaking, then the back door automatic lock stopped working, and then the passenger side window just fell down and wouldn't come back up!

Past Few Weeks... On Wards and Up Wards

2011-09-26T20:32:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of events. I received a job offer and spent the little time before starting filling out all the paper work and doing all the tests I had to do. I had to get finger printed, drug tested, and a background check done on top of filling out a ton of paper work.

I started last Monday and basically got paid to sit around and be bored. I reserve judgement on the job at this point but I'm hopeful that it will work out okay.

I also spent a lot of time (and money) buying some new clothes as I need to dress up for this job.

I was also getting close to a guy, long distance, but still... and was planning to go visit him Columbus Day weekend. But then he told me he wasn't sure he really wanted me to visit - breaking my little heart (yet again). He still wants to be penpals but no relationship or even meeting up. I told him no. It's hard, but good for me. Holding on will not be doing me any favors. I'd continue to hope something might happen. I'm not going to reply back to him unless he texts me "come visit". Which of course he won't because I'm just not good enough for him.

I've complete given up on any type of relationship with a man ever. For the next few months I'm going to concentrate on my job and will move into a new apartment.

I also want to focus on losing weight, even if I have to go anorexic to do it. My friend is getting married in March and I want to go to that wedding looking good, with a great job, and a poss apartment =)

After that, I might try to date some guys just for the fun of it but I've been smacked one too many times. I'll never believe that a guy is serious about me ever again. I'll never let my heart take that leap from "just some fun" to "I really like you" mode. As soon a I do, every single time, I get hurt because that is the guy's cue to run away. So, never ever again.

No guy will ever want me. The best I can hope for is to be used, so I'm going to make sure I use the guy for nothing more than a little fun too.

Day 25: First Day on Plenty of Fish

2011-08-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

I really do hate the site. I know why I quit it the first time. I can't get the search to work at all. All the profile's reek of "hook up". The user interface is terrible. Once I'm done with this week, I'm deleting my account again.

I have gotten 25 messages since I created my account yesterday and not one of the guys was worth the 2 seconds it took me to click in and read the message. To sum up, "Hi, you hot how U R?" *rolls eyes* I guess POF is were the terri-bads go. Sure, there seem to be a few decent folks on the site but you have to go through like 300 to find them. And, then, they don't want to talk to me. =(

Out of 10 I messaged yesterday, 5 viewed me. 1 replied. Of the one who replied, I already decided to stop messaging him because I don't think we are a good match. So, this morning I messaged 10 new guys.

As decided before, I am using a more flirty method. I'm trying to be real careful that I don't get trapped by a "one-night-stander". I'm pretty much just using pictures - could I see myself dating this guy based on his looks - method. POF really doesn't offer you much of anything else to go off of. Maybe that is why it is suck a scummy site?

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I'm still waiting to hear back from the job I applied for. They said they would probably contact me by today. I sure hope they do because if not, they said for me to contact them and I really don't want to do that. It is weird to contact someone and ask them if I got the job. If I did, they would have contacted me. If not, I don't want to hear the rejection. But, I still need to do it on the off chance it is some sort of "test". If she really wants the job she will contact us like we asked her too.

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Wowgate: 8-26-2011

I finally finished up all the cooking dailies for the achievement. It took over a month for that one quest to pop. I'm still one pebbles run away from my sweet pebbles. Again, it's been about 2 weeks since the pebbles quest has popped.

I'm going to finish the jousting Hyjal quests today for my pet bird. And that pet bird will put me at 100 pets for "Nuts".

I need to grind my Gilineas rep up because I don't really want to do the Hyjal dailies for 40 days to earn the rep to exalted.

I really don't like the Agent Tournament dailies. Boo.

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SWKOR Gate: 8-26-2011

I'm going to play StarWars: Knights of the Republic when it comes out. I have a side project involving that game - is why. I have a collector's edition pre-ordered =). I need to upgrade my computer to get ready for it. I think a new computer is what I'll be getting for Christmas/Birthday.

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Wednesday I went to eat at the Stage Coach Inn (a very cool and good restaurant) and visited the Inner Space Caverns (again very cool). It was a nice break from everything.

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My dad wants some cupcakes to take to work on Monday. What he wants requires me to make a lot of gumpaste flowers so I'll be making about a dozen each day from now until then. I would make them all at once but I don't have enough flower formers.

In the meantime, I have been watching "Playful Kiss" and "Boys Over Flowers" Korean Dramas on Netflicks. I'm picking up a little bit of Korean!

Day 22, 23, 24

2011-08-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I ran out of people on OkCupid. There are no more to view or message. I have message every one who had possibilities within the range of what I'm willing to accept. So, about a week ago I sat thinking what I am going to do with a week left? I started opening up my filters. After I did that, before I hit search, I stopped and looked at the type of guys I was opening myself up too. I realized that I was now searching for a guy who is someone I would never want to date or marry. So... so why would I even bother searching or messaging someone like that? I wouldn't.

But, I realized we all have things that we will bend on if other things are in place. But you might bend on one of two things but not everything. Because if you bend on everything you are ending up with Mr. Wrong. So, I tightened up some things and loosened up others. As expected, I didn't get many hits and did find anyone I wanted to message.

So, I was forced to create an account on POF to finish up the last week. I really don't like the site and I finally figured out why. It is because the profiles are just a "about me" section and so no one puts much of any information there. So, I don't have a lot to go on to decide if I want to message the person or not. POF seems to be all about the photos.

But, I needed guys to finish up my week so POF it is. I'll see how it goes. As bad as it was on OKCupid, I think it will be worse on POF.

I messaged 10 guys, we will see tomorrow morning what happened.

Day 22: The Beginning of Week 4 and the End

2011-08-18T15:31:00.000-05:00

I can't say I'm not glad that my 30 day experiment is coming up on its end. Other than interesting, it has been an utter failure, depressing, and trying. I would never recommend someone try this unless you are a hot chick. But then, if you were a hot chick you wouldn't need to be messaging guys anyways.

Of the 10 I messaged yesterday, 1 replied. I'm in communication with 2 guys but really, I don't think they are going to go anywhere. I think they are too different from me. So, I'm waiting to hear back from them but I think after that they will be a no go.

So, I did want to message 10 new guys today but ran out on my search. I only managed to message 8. But that's okay since, technically, I'm talking to 2 others. But, come tomorrow I'm going to have to find some different search criteria. I'm not happy about this because I've pretty much given all I want. But, 'tis only 7 days left.

I might create an account on Plenty of Fish and look for guys to message there.

I think I might, just might, re-message a few of the guys I really took a shine to earlier who never messaged me back. What do I have to lose right?

This week, I'm just going to be flirty and playful in my messages. I'm going to make them more like the "spray and pray" emails that guys send out. I'll see if that makes a lick of difference. I doubt it. I think the only thing that would make any difference is if I was 50 pounds thinner.

Day 21: End of Week 3

2011-08-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm still bummed out about the cancelled date. I can't help but feel like God is always playing jokes on me or doing stuff to me to make me feel bad in my life. He gets my hopes up only to brutally crush them.

I wanted to cry last night but the tears wouldn't come. I think, slowly, my tears are being all used up. So even though I might want to cry, I just don't have any tears left to cry. I wonder if we have a finite amount of tears we can cry in a life time.

I have a job interview Friday morning for a job that not only do I want but I think I'm perfect for. I can't help but think there is no way in hell I'm going to get it. Rather, God will get my hopes up only to crush them again with a rejection. No job, no nothing, for joo.

This morning I decided to message a whole full new crop of 10 guys. Most of the other ones seem dead and there is no point hoping they might reply back. I'm 66% of the way though my grand all long list of guys. I noticed once I got half way through it became harder and harder to find guys to message. It took me a good 2 hours to find 10 to message today.

Yesterday, 2 of the 4 viewed me. None replied.

Day 20: Sad Panda

2011-08-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

My results from messaging guys is the same as always - not good. But I did get a message from a guy, we chatted, and he asked me to lunch today. I was all excited and got all dolled up when he texted me 2 hours before hand saying he wasn't going to go. He was new to online dating and it felt strange. I was crestfallen. He did later re-invite me out but I declined. I just don't want in and out. I want someone who is serious and knows what they want. I don't want someone who will change their mind at a drop of a hat.

It would have been my first date is almost a year. I'm really bummed about this.

Results for the past few days:

Day 18: Messaged 6 Viewed 3 Replied 0
Day 19: Messaged 9 Viewed 5 Replied 3
Day 20: Messaged 4

Still no more thanks but no thanks emails outside of that one on the first week. I got 5 messages this morning which was a surprise. One from someone I didn't message. One from someone I messaged on the first week. I don't know why he bothered. It was a long time ago and his reply back to me was so terse as to not warrant a response. But respond I did.

Man, I just feel like crying right now. I think the best thing for me is to distance myself from everything for a little while until my emotions are a little more under control.

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WowGate 8/16/2011

I finished all the fireland quests today to get my mount. I thought it would be like A'lar or the fire birds. So, was disappointed when I saw it. Now I just need to get the pet from that 30 token bag and get my Gilneas rep up.

I'm getting tired of the Argent Tournament dailies. I'm doing them to get the pets but it is going so slow.

Only 5 more days until I have my Wintersaber mount.

I finally got my Ironforge fishing dailies done. I still need that one last quest in Darn for cooking. I've been trying to over 2 weeks now. Stupid RNG.

Day 17: Does everyone have kids except me?

2011-08-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

It seems like everybody but everybody has a kid or two. I feel so defective and behind the bell curve because I don't have any. Plus, I feel like, how can I compete with your children and the mother of your children for your love and time? I don't really think I can. I think I'd always be 4th on your list behind yourself, your kids, and your baby's mom.

I realize at this point I'm focusing solely on photos. At first, it was composition but now it is just do I find him attractive? Does he not look like an ass hole? If so scan profile to confirm he isn't an ass hole and message.

Surprisingly, the photos usually sum up the tone of your profile pretty well. Maybe I'm just good at reading people but based on the types of photos you post, I can usually guess what type of profile you are going to have.

Turns out I messaged more that 9 people yesterday. I messaged 11. I got a little over eager. 5 of those 11 viewed me. 2 messaged back but those messages clearly reeked of not interested. But, as the guy, I must persist and messaged them back.

Messaged 7 new people today. Two I even have a little bit of a actual spark for. One, I doubt will email me back because he had his filters set that the person had to be within 50 miles. The other is also in another city so I don't know if I will hear back from him either.

Day 16

2011-08-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

Well, the other day was the beginning of week 3. I thought that I was going to have to message 10 whole new guys but during the middle of the night 2 guys messaged so I only had to message 8.

Day 15: Messaged 8. 5 Viewed. None replied. In communication with 1.

Today: Messaged 9.

I'm on my third search for matches. I had to expand out 100 miles. So today and in the future all matches will probably be out of the city.

Guys are really bad at picking photos. And, I noticed that as much as they want full body pictures of the girls they are really bad about posting fully body pictures of themselves.

I'm starting to wonder how many of these guys are really a good match for me or not. After looking at all these profiles, it seems that most guys are, well, not really good people. And, I definitely don't want someone who I don't consider a good person. But, isn't that self evident just by the fact that they don't reply back to my message but just ignore it?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news, I just got off the phone for a phone job interview. It went well so here is hoping I move forward to the next phase. I really think this job is a good match for me.

Day 14: The End of the First Two Weeks

2011-08-09T10:16:00.000-05:00

Nada in my inbox this morning. Sad Panda. Of the 8 guys I messaged yesterday, 5 looked at my profile and one replied. But he has already poofed! Yes, we ran our course all yesterday. He asked me out with a "I had a bad week - want to meet up to have some fun?" I was going to accept but I didn't even know the guy's name. I asked, he told me, and I haven't heard from him since. Do all guys lack a sense of when it is appropriate to make a move and when it is not?

I am still in communication with one guy. I don't think he is for me but seems like a nice enough one. I just don't think he knows enough about what he wants in his life to be able to make a relationship a priority. I suspect he will go through many different women before that "I want to settle down" switch goes off and when it does - he will marry whatever women he happens to be with. Sorry, I don't want to waste 2 years of my life with someone who I don't have a chance with.

I ran out of guys to message from my original search yesterday. So, I did a new search today. I added "smokes while drinking" and increased the search area. So now I have a bunch of new matches to sort through.

I admit it, I decide to click into a person's profile based on their first photo. Not looks but composition. Do they look nice and happy or washed up and boring? Are they smiling? Do they look like an ass hole? Are they shirtless? Are they holding a chick?

After that I read the profile if I'm not turned off by the photos. If most of these guys are really looking for a nice girl for a good relationship - they suck at picking photos. But, then, I'm starting to doubt that most guys are really looking for a nice girl for a good relationship.

Two Week Summary:

108 guys messaged

14.81% Reply based on total number of people I message.
23.53% Reply based on number of people who view my profile.

The real number is somewhere between the two as I'm sure some people view my profile anonymously.

The number of people who ignore my message and never reply are 68.52%.

For fun, I decided to calculate the percentage of guys who contacted me but never got past the I message > They Message > I message > They poof. It is 75%. So, really, these are guys who are not interested but feel they need to reply back. They don't have the balls to say thanks but no thanks or just ignore me. With that in mind, that bumps the Not Interested percentage to 79.63 and the real replies down to 3.70%.

3.70%! Isn't that pathetic, but must more along the lines of what I expected. So, that means for every 100 guys I message, 3.7 should be mildly interested.

Interestingly enough - That is about where I would rate myself on the HB scale from 1 to 10. I'd say I'm about a 4. I wonder if the two are highly related... No, that doesn't work out. Because if it did.. that would be 37% not 3.7 %. Maybe that means I'm a 1?

And, last thoughts for the week. There seems to be a big difference between the guys who are 28 and 33. It's like, in those 5 years, they go from being a boy to a man. A washed up man. It seems that all the 31+ guys have been chewed up and spit out by a previous woman and now all the flavor has been sucked out of them. They all seem so lifeless and broken.

------------------

On other news, since it is obvious I'm going to be doomed to single hood - I have decided to start looking for a new job. If I can message 10 new guy a day I sure as heck can apply for one new job a day!

So, off to apply for some more jobs. Then I'm going to start writing up my paper on my experiment here. Then I'll see if WoW is back up to run through my dailies. If not, I'll get in my exercise for the day.

Also, I think I want to work on my online profile some more. I just can't help but think if it was a little better or if something was different, maybe I would have better luck?

Day 13: And Totally Bummed

2011-08-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was bad. I'm getting more and more depressed by the lack of results. I've contacted 99 guys and not one has led to a date. I'm in contact with 2. But, no doubt, they, like all the rest, will poof on me.

I have changed my messages to be a little more flirty. I'll see if this results in better results. However, my theory is that it will only net me more guys interested in a one night stand than anything else. So, I don't think it is a good idea. More work for me with the same results = dumb idea.

The two guys who contacted me out of no where, about a week after I first contacted them? Yeah, you guessed it, they never replied back. If they do reply back a week from now I'm going to ignore them. They can F*** Off.

I'm resigned to single hood and that no guy will ever like me. 32 years and not a single guy has liked me. That just sucks for me and tells you how defective I really am. I'll finish off the experiment and then give up.

A guy who poofed on me, one I really liked and who I haven't talked to in close to 2 weeks, texted me out of the blue. I wish he hadn't. Please guys, I'm not a game. Leave me the fuck alone if you are not interested - which he isn't.

I think I need to get a dog, focus on my career, and become a billionaire. That might at least keep my mind off how much I suck. Then, I can leave all my money to charity - since I sure as hell won't have any family to leave it too.

Filling the Man's Role in Dating: Day 9

2011-08-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

I updated my profile yesterday morning and I do think it is a tad better even if it does say basically the same. I'm going to revise it again in a second. Rather, I'm going to add to it. There is a section about "Most Private Thing I'll Willing to Admit Here". I'm going to modify that to list a few random facts about myself. Hopefully the changes might attract some more men.

As I was going to bed last night, it occurred to me that if a guy hadn't contacted me within the first 24 hours - he never contacted me at all. I started to have a theory that if a man is interested in you, he will reply within 24 hours. No sooner had a thought that then, low and behold, this morning I receive two new messages from guys I had messaged a week ago.

Now, first, color me unimpressed that it took around a week to get back to me. It reeks of disinterest in my person and rather boredom on their part. Not interested in me but bored so what the heck. I have replied back to both gentlemen but if they don't reply back in 24 hours - I'm done with them. I need a man who will give me the time of day - not time of week.

It was as pretty low turn out for viewing my messages. Of the 8 sent out, only 3 people viewed. But last week, too, the view rate on Friday and Saturday were low. These people are online but I think they might be playing games? Don't want to look desperate on a weekend so I'll wait to look until Sunday? Blah, I say, Blah. Stop playing games.

I have realized that, the two guys who I had been in contact with before I started all this, their rejection still stings. I actually had real interest in both of these guys - which is more than I can say about anyone else since my breakup with my ex. The rejection doesn't sting as much as that they both claimed to really like me and yet their actions said otherwise. It just goes to show that men always lie. At least to me. The only experience I have ever had with any guy is that they only and always lie about how they feel about me. It sucks. But that is why I am so adamant about honesty.

I sent out 8 new messages this morning. It is becoming harder and harder to find people to message and to think of a message to send them. On the other hand, replying to messages from guys who reply back to me is much more fun. Less than 2 weeks in and I'm wondering if I'll be able to finish. If nothing else - I think I'm going to exhaust the popular of males in and around my area to message.

That is a rather depressing thought - that there isn't a single male in and around my large city that would be willing to fuck me.

____________________________________________________________

Wowgate 8-6-2011

I have managed to get my tailor/enchanter up to 525 in each. I also got my jewelcrafter up to 527/535. Tomorrow my Druid should have enough FireLand daily tokens to fill the moonwell and then it will be epic buying time. =3

After I run through dailies - I have been entertaining myself by slowly leveling up my rogue. She is now currently level 72.

Day 8

2011-08-05T11:29:00.000-05:00

So, this morning I saw the 4th guy who has removed/deleted his account soon after I messaged him. Am I such a scary person that people feel the need to delete their account right after I message them?

Also, I am noticing a lot of replies back to me which are such that I wonder why they even bothered taking the time to reply. It is clear they have no interest. I imagine that my reply to their reply will go unanswered.

I message > they reply > I reply > they poof.

Honestly, I rather get a thanks, but no message or even no message at all if they are not interested.

And, other than the hypocrisy of the guys not reply to my messages when they themselves complain when women do it to them - I find that I don't mind the "no reply". I'm considering just not replying to people who I'm not interested in the future.

Ironically, men say that any woman who would reply thanks, but not thanks is a gem to be found. But, once you find out that she is one of the few women on the planet that do so - she has already turned you down.

Of the 10 people I emailed yesterday - 3 replied. But, only one seemed to be based on genuine interest. I sent out 7 emails this morning.

30 Days As a Guy: 1st Week Overview

2011-08-04T12:27:00.000-05:00

So, since the first week is now over, I thought I give an overview of how things went.

Total Guys Messaged: 53
% of guys who replied: 15.09% (19.51% if you only count those who viewed my profile)

Getting almost a 20% response rate was way higher than I thought I would ever get.

Of the 20%, only about 80% resulted in more than "I message, they message, I message, they proof".

Of the remaining 20%, they all poofed on me. My last reminding two guys haven't contacted me in 3 days and so today, at the start of the second week, I am starting from scratch and messaged 10 new guys.

Based on my first set of search criteria, I got back 334 matches. At the end of day 7, I ran out of people to consider. I started back at the beginning of the list and now I'm emailing people that I, at first, passed over. That should be enough to get me through 2 more days, but after that I'm going to have to change up my search criteria to get more guys to pick from.

I think I'm going to start by expanding my search location.

73.58% of the guys I messaged didn't bother to messaged me back with a thanks, but no thanks message. That number is only from those who actually viewed my profile. As much as guys complain when girls do this to them - they sure don't seem to have a problem doing it back in return.

I have learned that talking sex early is a bad bad idea. It might get you more responses but the only reason they are replying is because they think you are looking for a hook up. As soon as you say you are not, and make them believe you, they poof. So unless you really are looking for a hook up - don't do it. Repress that flirty nature. Yes, I know I know, it's hard for me too.

Out of all the 334 guys, only 3 (based on profile) stood out to me. Sadly, none of those 3 seemed the less bit interested in me. I am disappointed that out of 53 guys - not a one was interested in meeting up (or those who were were not interested in anything more than sex).

I found that towards the end, I relied more on photos than the profile to decide to message someone or not. I don't mean did I find them cute or not. Rather, I looked at their demeanor and composition of their photos to help me determine what kind of guy they are.

This week, I'm going to have a sub experiment. I'm going to look at photos first and then decide what type of guy I think he is. Then, I'll read the profile and see if I came close or not. My theory is that I will come close almost all the time based on the photos.

I also plan on changing up my messages this week. I'm going to try to make them a little more emotional (like oh boy I really like you).

Well, here is hoping that week 2 is better than week 1.

Day 6 and 7

2011-08-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

Well, of the 5 I sent out on day 5, none view my profile or replied back.

I made a mistake. One of guys I was in contact with I didn't contact first. He saw that I had viewed his profile and messaged me. He is not local and so that is why I didn't message him. I thought I had made a mistake but hadn't.

Guy 1's profile disappeared. I take that as a proofer. All but 2 of the people contacting me have stopped. So, on day six I messaged 8 new people. 6 of the 8 viewed my profile. 2 replied but although their reply was not a thanks but no thanks if was apparent that they were just replying to be nice and/or chat.

So, I still have 2 guys in communication so that means I'm going to be sending you 8 new messages. Of the 2 guys I'm communicating with - I'm not sure how much longer I will be.

One guy asked for my number. Which is fine except we had only exchanged like two sentences. My hesitation with him is that he asked me a question, I answered and asked him the same thing - which he has since "refused" to answer. I don't like that - sharing but they won't.

The other guy, I made the mistake of making a sexual comment. Now, I have the feeling the guy is just after an easy lay. I've pretty much told him it ain't happening so we will see if he ever replies back.

Day 5 as a Guy in the Online Dating Realm.

2011-08-01T14:02:00.000-05:00

Five days in and now we are encountering a new stage. I am currently communicating with 6 different guys. I got a new one this morning.

One, however, Guy 1 - I haven't heard back from and I have decided to drop. So technically he is poofing on me but even if he writes back, I'm not going to reply.

Guy 2 still hasn't replied and I am going to take that as he is poofing on me. That brings me down to communication with 4 guys.

Guy 3, I am still waiting to hear back from. If I don't hear back from him in the morning I'm going to take that as a poof. That brings me down to 3 guys.

Guy 4, I don't think I'm going to hear back from him. If I don't by tomorrow morning when I do my daily check in, I'm going to say I'm only talking to 2 guys.

Guy number 5 still seems strong but I realized he isn't local. Oops, my bad. We will see how things go.

Guy 6, just replied to him so we see if we get anything back.

At this point, I'm wondering how many of the guys who reply are only doing so because they don't get messages from a lot of girls, are desperate, and think I must really like them if I am messaging them? Are they really interested or are they just replying cause I seem interested in them?

The fact that is seems the communication seems to be dying off after one or two emailed seems to support that they are not really interested - just going with the flow.

Day 4 and more

2011-07-31T22:16:00.000-05:00

I almost left this off to the morning but decided to just get it done and out of the way. Even if I am really sleepy! =P

Out of the 8 new messages I sent out - All 8 viewed my profile.

2 of the 8 replied.

So I now have a total of 5 guys who replied to my message.

Guy 1 - Once again his reply back to my message was uninspiring. I replied back tonight but if his reply isn't any better tomorrow, I'm going to drop him.

Guy 2 - Never replied back to my message. If I don't hear back from him I'm going to take him for a "no interest". Maybe his reply back to me was just being polite just not wanted to come right out and say "No Thanks".

Guy 3 - Replied back that he thought I was pretty - so I take that to mean that he wouldn't be oppose to going out on a date with me. If a few exchanges go well - I'll ask him out to meet.

Guy 4 - Reply back was very short so I don't know if he is interested or just baffled that a girl messaged him first.

Guy 5 - Seems very interested as well. However, looked a bit at his profile, he seems to be shy and very passive. It is a concern but we will see how messaging back and forth goes.

I sent out 5 new emails to 5 new guys.

_________________________

There is one other guy in the non-picture. He contacted me first about 3 weeks ago. I was very interested and asked him out. He hedged. So, a few days ago I emailed that I was sorry we never got to meet and wished him luck. Figured he wasn't serious about me and just wanted a pen-pal. Well, he finally texted me back saying he did plan on meeting me but things were just crazy with a new job and all. Sure, buddy, sure. You make time for what is important to you and you are clearing saying that dating (or at least dating me) is not important to you. But, told him if he ever did get the time, he knew how to contact me. He replied back that he would contact me the next time he was in San Antonio and that should be real soon. Sure - I don't expect to ever hear from him.

__________________________

Wow Gate 07-31-2011

Managed to finish all the Cata Zones and Quests on my Warlock. Also got her enchanting up to 525. Still need to get her tailoring up from 515 to 525. I purchased duel spec for her and researched good specs, stats, and all that good stuff.

I respected her Afflictions to be a little cleaner, glyphed her up, gemmed, reforged, and enchanted her gear. Her second spec is Demonlogy but I didn't glyph for that one.

I also did the same for my Shaman - cleaning up her specs: Enhancement and Resto and polished up her gear. I was actually surprised that this whole time she wasn't glyphed! In the meantime, I'm still working on getting her Jewelcrafting up from 520 to 535 and earning JC Tokens.

I doubt I will bother grinding rep or dailies on them.

My druid main - I'll respec, reforge, and polish up tomorrow. I'm still running through dailies on her. Working on the fireland quests. I found a great place to farm leather - the spiders on Forlorne Spire. Please people, loot your spiders for the poor skinners! I only have 11 more LWing patterns to purchase. I'm also working on Tol Barad rep.

Day 3

2011-07-30T13:38:00.000-05:00

Results (7/30/2011):

9 (new messaged from yesterday) out of 9 viewed my profile.
1 messaged me in the positive.

Sent out 8 new messages.

So, the first guy who messaged me back, his last message to me didn't ask me anymore questions. I'm just blah about him. He did view my profile again but didn't message me hi or anything. I was tempted to let the conversation end but then I realized that I'm playing the man's role, not the females. So, I once again took the lead and sent him a new message. Honestly, if the conversation doesn't get better this time, I'm letting him go.

The new guy who messaged me back this morning seems more promising with our conversation. I just replied back so we will see how it goes.

One of the guys I messaged today, I was real excited about. Sadly, his profile didn't give me a lot to go on for sending him a message. So, we will see if he messages back. *crosses fingers*

3 Day overview:
_________________

19 messages sent.
2 replied back.
17 didn't reply at all.

Day 2 and...

2011-07-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

I am already tired of shifting through profiles. Now I know why guys just look at photos and decide to message based on that. It is getting to be a challenge to find 10 guys a day to message (and this is only day 2 - I'm afraid I'll run out of guys!). I have to admit, today I messaged some who I wouldn't normally based on things in their profile. I just didn't look that closely. If, and this is a big if, they message back I'll take a better look at their profile. I suspect most (if not all) will not bother.

7-29-2011
Results from previous day:

10 of the 10 guys messaged looked at my profile. Only one replied back. We exchanged a few messages back and forth. I have to admit, I am not impressed but not turned off either.

9 new guys messaged.

30 Days As a Guy

2011-07-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to try an experiment. For one month, 30 days, I'm going to put myself in the guy role in online dating and see if I yield any better results (or any results).

Each day I am going to message 10 different guys. Each guy will be qualified to make sure they don't have any of my instant deal breakers.

-Must be looking for a (monogamist) relationship.
-Must not have any statements implying that they are not looking for marriage.
-Must not have any statements implying they are just looking to get laid.
-Must not have any statements saying they don't want children.
-Non-smoker.
-Local or close to local.

Plus, they must have been active within the past month.

As long as these criteria are met, I will message them a personalize message based on things in their profile.

Then I sit and wait to see if anyone replies. If a guy doesn't reply by the next morning I will assume he is not interested and message a new guy in his place (so I will always have outgoing 10 possibilities). If a guy messages back in the affirmative, I will not message a new guy in his place. So, if I send out 10 emails and the next morning one has replied - I will only message 9 new guys.

If a get a positive reply, I plan on emailing back and forth maybe 2 or 3 times and then asking the guy out on a date. If the guy hedges, I will drop him and move on to a new guy.

If I get a message from a guy who meets my criteria (he messages me first), I will add him as one of the ten guys (but I will note that he initiated with me not vice versa) and will treat him like any of the other guys.

It will be interesting to see how many of the men I message: ignore the message, send a thanks but no thanks message, send a positive message back. Out of those who send a positive message back, how many will accept my offer for a date? Out of those who do, how many seem interested in a second?

I suspect that I won't hear back from any of them.

Day One (7-28-2011): 10 messages sent.

Wow Gate: 07-27-2011 AD

2011-07-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

After a medium amount of hassle, I finally managed to retrieve my WOW account from the evil gold farmers who stole it. In the end, almost no damage was done - luckily. My gold had been taken off all my characters (returned by a GM), one character had been leveled from 80 to 85 with their mining maxed out at 525. Other than that, everything else was minor. I am actually surprised they didn't take all my gear and items from the banks to sell for money. It is all a little odd to me.

But, my character that they leveled - Shaman - didn't turn out to be so cool after all. The didn't do any quests so I ended up running through all 5 zone to open the portals, flight paths, get the gold, and upgrade my gear. I didn't intend on playing my Shaman but figured I might as well since she was already 85. Now, I just log on to her for the jewelcrafting daily and I'm working on leveling that up.

My main - Druid - wasn't really touched. I ended up doing the Zul'Gub quest chain up till the instance part. I also am doing the Fireland dailies. I managed to max out Wild Hammer Rep and Hyjal. I am now grinding out the Fireland dailies for tokens to open up the new stuff. I maxed out Archeology - never again on another character - and every once in a while work on that to try to get some rare goodies. I decided to start working on Bol Tarad rep again. I'm at revered currently. Next item is to farm tons of leather so I can buy all the leather working patterns. Yeah, I know not much fun for a main is it? I really need to get over my phobia of pugging and try the Cata instances.

I started leveling up my Warlock from 80 to 85. I have finished the first three zone and I'm level 84. Now I just need to finish Uldum and Twilight Highlands. She is a tailor and enchanter. I got her to 505 on both and will continue working on that.

After that? I might work on my rogue that is level 69. I might try to get her up to 85.

Something Feels Off

2011-07-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

I woke up today and something just feels off. Like there is something I should be doing that I'm not or I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

For the life of me, I can't place my finger on it. Is it that I haven't been exercising as much as I should be because I got so frustrated that I didn't lose one single pound during my 3 months with a personal trainer? Is it that my mom asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her and I said no? Is it that I'm playing World of Warcraft again and it is a total time sink? Is it that I really should be looking for a new job? Is is that I'm planning on calling and talking to a guy who lives 3 states away?

I don't know, but I do know I don't like this feeling. Maybe I'll slowly burn through that list and some other chores around the house and see if that doesn't make me feel any better.

I do know that a random guy, out of the blue, messaged me on a dating site and insulted my appearance and photos. That didn't make me feel too good - maybe that is it. Or, another guy who messaged me - I asked to lunch - and he turned me down. We have been IMing a bit for about 2 weeks now with no actual meeting in sight. So, I've pretty much given that one up for dead. I don't understand why you would be on a dating site just to look for penpals!

Maybe it's the fact that I'm just not too happy with my life right now. I'm to the point where I've given up on love, marriage, kids, and a family of my own. I want to convert all my passion for that into a passion for something else. Maybe a career. As far as guys are concerned - I think I'm just looking for someone to hang with and date occasionally for friendship. I still think I'm shooting too high but maybe, maybe.

How to be Successful with Online Dating

2011-07-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

Success - Finding people who you go on dates with and maybe even start a relationship with.

It's been about a year and a half since I first started this whole online dating thing. Last winter, I put a hold on everything due to no luck. I just started up with okcupid again and I'm noticing a bunch of the same guys on there who were on there before. So that begs the question, why are so many people unsuccessful with online dating.

1) You don't have your profile filled out or it is not filled out seriously. You don't have to spend weeks perfecting your profile but you do need to take the time to fill it out.

2) Too many typos in your profile. Proof Read!

3) No photos, grainy photos, or bad photos. Make sure you post at least 3 photos. A head shot, a upper body shot, and a full body shot. Make sure the pictures are clear and large enough so the person can see what they need to see. Post true photos but ones that are also flattering.

4) You don't contact anyone. Unless you are super hot (and most people are not) you are going to need to contact people. They will not magically come to you.

5) Too long between communications. You should reply to all messages within 24 hours. If you take 3 days between communication the other person's interest is going to go way down.

6) Being pen pals instead of meeting up. Stop with the online communication or photo talk. MEET UP.

7) Being too picky or judgmental. Remember, replying to an email or meeting up is not a commitment to that person. It doesn't hurt to meet up with someone you might be on the fence about.

8) Text speak in your communication. Speak proper English please.

Shopping - Some of my Favorite Places and Not so Favorite

2011-07-09T10:54:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I love shopping for clothes. But, it is always somewhat of a challenge when you are a plus size. I know there was a long period of time from college and after where I basically didn't go shopping at all. I had some staples in my wardrobe and wore those until I wore them out.

It has just been recently (past 2 years or so) that I have started shopping again. I admit that it was more out of necessity that anything else. I lost weight and needed to buy clothes that fit.

I was surprised to learn that "regular" sizes usually go up to 16 now (before they stopped at 12). I'm also loving being able to shop in the regular section. I'm still on the border between the two worlds though. My top is pretty much squarely in the regular section but my very big bum is not. In fact, I think it is probably still squarely in the plus size section.

But, it has been interesting to note that some places I can wear a 14 and in others I can't even get into an 18. Interesting and frustrating. I really wish women would ban together to lobby for standardization in clothing sizes. I understand that everyone likes wearing the smallest size they can but when you have the outfit on, no one knows whether it is a 12, 14, or 16. Wouldn't it be nice if you could walk into a store and just know that that size 14 is going to fit? Wouldn't it be less frustrating if you think you are finally a size 12 only to try it on and need 2 sizes bigger?

So, after doing a lot of shopping lately, I have definitely developed a list of stores I like (and have luck with) and those I don't.

Like:

Cato - I've always like Cato's, a small little boutique type store. It has plus and regular sizes. The clothes are usually fairly well made. I love the styles - which run towards the youngish without being slutty. And, the prices are on the upper range of cheap.

JCPenny's - Out of all the major department stores, this one is my favorite. You get that classy department store vibe without the prices. JCPenny's has a ton of clothes to choose from at surprisingly good prices.

Ross - Although I dislike the service and store itself, you can find cute clothes for a bargain price. You are giving up service for a good deal. Last time I was in there, I found a super cute dress for $10. Word of warning though, lots of the clothes are there because they are flawed in some way. Make sure you inspect the garment before you purchase it.

Dress Barn - I love their clothes. The have plus and regular sizes. However, their clothing runs small so I usually find myself back in the plus size section. They are also on the pricy side which keeps me from shopping there a lot.

Lane Bryant - A plus size store. Lane Bryant, lately, has been hit or miss. It seems they have changed their style to be a little more adult which I dislike. One of the reasons I fell in love with Lane Bryant was because I could get "cute" clothes in my size. They are very pricy but sometimes you just have to suffer when you are a big gal.

Kohl's - On the pricey side but I like the shoes and now that I'm in the 14/16 range, I can usually find stuff I like. I usually don't shop here too much because I think they are too expensive.

Walmart - The one thing Walmart has going for them is price. But the clothes are on the cheap looking side. Plus, much like Target, I'm seeing a decline in the style selection. I'd say this one is in-between like and dislike.

DisLike:

TJ Max - Ugh, for the prices, I'd just as soon for to a big name department store which has a better feel to it. Plus, if you are bigger than a size 12/14 you are not going to have a lot of luck.

Dots - Try as I might I just can't like this store (and I really wanted too). The clothes don't exactly run small but, rather, are cut weird. I suppose if their special cut works for your body, you will love Dots - but for the rest of us we will probably have a tough time finding something that looks right. Plus, their style is more along the slutty young look.

Target - I use to love target but for some reason their clothes have just gone down hill. The look cheaply made, to me, and just are nothing special. I do like Target's shoes though.

Avenue - Another plus size store like Lane Bryant but with much older looking styles. I'm not why you would make a plus size store that sells the same type of clothes you can find anywhere else. Other than the underwear (which is the only brand I purchase), I never find anything worth purchasing here.

Sears - Their style is rather hit of miss for me. It's like they can't make up their mind if they are going to be Grandma or Teen. Sears is the cheapest looking department store of the bunch yet their prices are not cheap. If Sear's cut their prices in half, I'd probably shop their more. As it is, unless they are having a big sales, I pass.

Dillard's / Macy's - Too words - too expensive. It's not that I dislike their stuff, it's that I dislike the prices. If I wasn't still loosing weight, I might see myself spending $100 bucks on a dress if I really liked it. But, since I doubt I'd still be able to wear that $100 dress for more than 2 years, I'll pass for now.

I know there are a bunch of other little boutique stores like The Limited and The Gap - but if you are over a size 12/14 these stores really don't have anything that will fit. I am looking forward to getting down into that size range and exploring these types of stores to see which ones have decent deals and which ones don't.

Dating Advice for Men

2011-07-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

Normally my stuff is aimed towards women because, well, I'm a girl. I was searching through profiles on Okcupid and what struck me was how "old" most of the matches looked. I'm looking between 26-36 and yet many of these men appear in their 40s.

Now, I pondered if this was a regional thing. Is it because the men in my area are "trained" to look like this? Then I pondered, is this the reason they are single in the first place and on a dating site? Because they don't look as good? Or, do guys just age badly at this age and after giving them 5 years it will balance out?

But, mainly, I started getting mad. I put a ton of effort into my appearance and I don't think it is unreasonable to expect my man to put in a little effort as well.

So, guys, if you want to increase your odds of getting a girl - work on your appearance. Yes, you CAN do this without being gay or a metrosexual.

1)Watch the facial hair. Facial hair ages you. Make sure you don't have facial hair just because you don't like shaving. If you do have facial hair, make sure it enhances your appearance. And always make sure you take care and trim daily.

2)Wash your face daily. This helps slow and reduces aging. It helps keep your skin looking good and blemish free.

3)Use an acne cream. If you suffer from acne, use a cream to reduce it.

4)Trim nose hair, ear hair, and bushie eyebrows.

5)Use chap stick to make sure your lips are not chapped and more kissable.

6)Shower daily and make sure you use plenty of deodorant to manage smell.

7)Always wear *clean* clothes.

8)Toss torn, strained, or ripped clothes.

9)Make sure you wear nice looking clothes.

10)Clean under your finger nails.

11)Working out to maintain health and a nice body are always a plus.

12)Wear sun screen on your body and face to avoid sun damage.

13)Don't smoke - it ages you.

14)Limit your drinking - it ages you.

14)Drink lots of water.

15)If you are greying prematurely, consider dying your hair. If you are balding prematurely, try to embrace it and pick a hair style that works for you. I personal find the all bald look sexy on certain guys.

Wow - Bummer

2011-06-29T20:12:00.000-05:00

Well, to add insult to injury - my normal instructor for my Wednesday night gym class couldn't make it and so we had a sub. She is much harder than my normal instructor - or maybe I just felt that way because I was not familiar with her.

Add to that that I hated the fact that I was, once again, the fattest person in the class I just felt miserable. I ended up ducking out of the class early.

Then, I was going to make up the time by working out on my own but the treadmills I wanted to use were being clean and so I just said forget it.

Sigh!

Shopping - You love it; You hate it

2011-06-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

So, I know it has been awhile. I've been pretty busy with making a new cake, running around to get all the stuff for that cake, and running around doing some shopping.

My lack of weight loss over the past 2 and a half months has really been a downer. More so then I originally thought it would be. I've noticed that over the past week, I haven't been eating all that great and my frustration has really been core in that.

I'm planning on making an appointment with a doctor to start down that path. San insurance, the appointment will cost $200 bucks and that is without testing.

I've been trying varies things to keep me motivated with no luck. I went through my closet to weed out clothes that are now too big. This usually made me feel better but didn't this time.

I went shopping to try to buy some new clothes - seeing sizes I would have never been able to wear before usually makes me feel better. But, I haven't had any luck finding things that fit or look good. Plus, not seeing the size go down has been counter productive. I think I'm just going to sit back for another few months before I go out shopping again.

I did pick up one dress, a junior size 13, which is just a tad too small. Normally I wouldn't buy something that I would consider unwearable but this dress was really cute and only $10. So, I figure I could shell out $10 on a dress and hide it away until I lose some more weight for a reward.

Calling Your Bluff

2011-06-24T09:24:00.000-05:00

So, two days ago, I was engaged in a discussion about the moral character of fat people. Basically, the person who started the thread is not very nice and associates ever negative adjective you can imagine with an overweight person. Well, them be fighting words, and I rallied to the cause to defend the honor of overweight people everywhere.

Basically, the guy decided to call my "bluff". I claim I am doing everything right to lose weight and not succeeding. He claims I am doing everything wrong or else I wouldn't be fat. He told me to PM him so we could review everything I eat and my work outs. So, I called his bluff. I PMed him everything I ate from the previous day and my work out, in detail.

I still haven't heard back from him so I guess I called his bluff. People can talk a good game but when it comes to putting out - not so much.

And speaking of putting out - my long distance man is no more. I can tell he is no longer interested. Again, another example of guys talking big but really just bull shitting. This is why I don't trust anything men say to me - because they all lie to get sex and once they get it or see that they probably won't get it soon - they leave and you see everything for the lie it was.

Mad >(

2011-06-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I really was growing attached to my long distance man and then 5 days passed without hearing from him. I was pretty sure that he wasn't interested anymore but then he messaged me, so I replied back. He replied back again and it is pretty clear from his short message that he is no longer interested. Or, if he was, he blew it.

Sorry, you just have to make an effort with these things and show you are truly interested. So, I'm putting him out of my mind. It is apparent he was never serious from the get go.

I really need to redo my profile on a dating site and see if I can't find anyone. The problem is, I really don't think I'm going to get any better results than I got before. I just didn't lose any weight so I am just as fat and ugly as before. I really really really wish I was pretty. I hate hate hate not being.

I've bored of the wedding planning. It is a lot of work when it isn't real. I have decided that getting a wedding planner is probably a good idea. My largest frustration came in from knowing exactly what I wanted in my head but not being able to find it. Damn my creativity.

I didn't work out yesterday. The day before, I ended up hurting myself. My knee is tender, in between my legs is sore from cycling, and I was sore all over. I figured a day of rest would be good for my muscles and body.

Continuing 6-22-2011

2011-06-22T10:08:00.000-05:00

I really do hate being the fattest girl in gym classes. It really is frustrating, especially when I am not also the one in the worst physical condition. The last few classes have been a flashback to junior high gym class. The fattest girl in the class. The last person in the class. Pushing myself beyond my limits. Looking awkward. Running in circle on a gym type floor. >(

I'm auditing a class I'm going to join at the gym and all the students are in pretty good shape. They did a weigh in while I was there and all of them lost between .5 to 5 pounds in a matter of a week. I'm so pissed. Why can they lose weight like that and not me?! I am now starting to joke with people that the only way I'm going to lose weight is if I adjust the scale back from the zero.

And to continue with dream/fake Wedding Planning:

Engagement Ring:

Years ago I took a peek at engagement and wedding rings. I was pretty overwhelmed by all the choices. So, I thought it would take me forever to zero in on one. Not so, I took one look at this ring and knew it was the one.

Wedding Ring:

Like the engagement ring, I took one look at this ring and knew it was the one. Groom's wedding band will be whatever he chooses.

Head Piece and Veil:

I thought a tiara would be over the top so I picked a headband instead. It has a rose pattern. If this wedding was for real, and I was going to have a church wedding (which I still might I haven't decided yet), I might go with the cathedral veil. However, I thought that would be over the top and take away from the gown. This is two tiers, mid-length veil with satin trim.

Shoes:

Since this is a winter wedding, I wanted to avoid strappy shoes. This are the bride's shoes. The rose matches the roses on the gown.

These are the bridesmaid's shoes. I wanted a medium heal but something that people wouldn't complain too much about. They are dyed to match the dress.

Bride and bridesmaids will all have a pair of these ballet flats to wear during the reception for more comfort. The bride's will be white. The bridesmaid's will be dyed red.

More Dream Wedding Plans

2011-06-21T14:51:00.000-05:00

I'm still entertaining myself by planning a dream wedding. I have realized the problem with being creative is that you create and it becomes expensive when you envision something that doesn't exist.

I figured the first thing I needed was colors. I ended up with black and red which were not my first choices but as I started thinking things through, those colors seemed to work the best all around. But, those are pretty harsh colors so it seems the wedding will be a winter one. But, that suits me fine since I've always favored winter anyways.

Brides Maid Dresses:
I do want all my bridesmaids in the same dress. I don't even want it to be the same dress slightly altered to their tastes. I want the exact same dress on them all. So, I wanted to pick a dress that would be comfortable and look good on all different body types.

It is a very slight a-line. The dress is red and the slash is black to go with the colors of the wedding.

Wedding Cake:

A dark chocolate fudge cake with raspberry chocolate mousse filling. The icing is chocolate, which is covered in white fondant. The black trim is fondant. The beads are silver balls. It is finished off with some gumpaste red roses and rose petals. It is four square layers, stacked at an angle. The top layer will be saved for our 1st year anniversary.

The grooms cake will be whatever the groom desires.

Dinnerware:

Matte black square plates with a silver rose pattern on top.

Three Little Wishes

2011-06-20T11:46:00.000-05:00

If a magic genie appeared in my life and offered me three wishes - I know exactly what they would be.

1) My Happiness

2) To be Thin and Pretty

3) To find Love, get Married, and have Biological Children

If I only got one wish - I'm conflicted as to what I would choose. Logically, I should pick happiness because if you are happy, it doesn't matter if you are thin, pretty, loved, married, or have a family of your own. But, love, marriage, and children is the happiness I seek. But then, if I was thin and pretty I could find someone to marry me and have a family with me and then I would be happy.

In the back of my head, I know that being thin and pretty isn't the solution to all my problems - but I can't help but think it is. If I'm being honest, I think, with one wish, I would go with the thin and pretty. Probably because it is the one thing on my list that is impossible for me to have in this life time.

At 31, I've resigned myself to never having children. Artificial Insemination is out. I have a moral problem bringing a child into this world knowing they will never have a father. I have struggled with the idea of adoption but I finally came to the conclusion that adoption isn't right for me. I want my own biological children. If I was married and we couldn't have biological children, adoption would be alright, but I don't want to adopt a children as a single woman. So, I realize that, since no one is ever going to marry me, that children are a no go for me.

It sucks because I really want children, always have. I'd be an amazing mother. I can't help but rage when I see all these terrible mothers, ones who abuse and even kill their own children - and yet they get to be mothers and I don't.

I've also resigned myself to never having a wedding and being loved. Again, it is something I've always dreamed of. But, for some strange reason, I've decided that just because I'll never have a wedding doesn't mean I can't plan one. So, I've decided to plan my dream wedding. I can do that much, even if it will never happen. A girl can always dream and it seems all I have in my life are dreams.

So... my one of a kind franken-dress:

-We have rose, off-the-shoulder, sleeves.

-The top is a short rounded corset with six bones. Two in the front, two on the sides, and two in the back. It is made of satin. The front panel is covered in rose lace and crystal trimmed. The back of the corset ties up.

-Between the top and the bottom of the dress we have five roses that are arranged to give a pointed look to the corset.

-The skirt of the dress has that poofy, down comforter look. In the back it just circles around. The front opens up. There is a hoop underneath to give the dress its shape.

-The underskirt is made of small pleated satin. In the front you have an angled down rose lace overlay which is bordered with trim. It gives the illusion of an hourglass shape.

A Bad Day

2011-06-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was terribly depressing. I realized I hadn't felt that bad in a while. It wasn't until I laid down in my bed to enjoy reading a book and started to fall asleep that I realized how upset I really was.

I don't do naps, but when I find myself falling asleep during the day, that is my cue that I'm depressed.

So, what happened? Thursdays are my one-on-one personal training session days. I went in for my session, all was good, but told my trainer I wanted to weigh in today and see what kind of progress I had made over the past 7 weeks.

Now, just so you know, these past 7 weeks I have been working out in the gym for at least 2 hours each day - many times working directly with a trainer. On top of that, I've been watching my diet, trying to avoid eating out and processed foods. I did up my calorie count to 1600 based on my trainer's recommendation. Needless to say, I have been working hard.

So, now it was the moment of truth, to see if all my hard work had paid off. It turned out that I haven't lost any weight - not. a. single. pound. In fact, it is possible I've gained. I only wanted my trainer to tell me if I lost. If I gained she wasn't going to tell me that.

She measured me twice because she said that I was actually gaining inches rather than losing. I did manage to lose an inch in my waist and in my chest, but everything else was either the same or bigger.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed. I expressed disappoint to my trainer but not really how disappointed I really was. I think I was pretty much in shock because I really couldn't believe it. It was like I was stuck in some horror story where you could try and try and try but nothing you could do would allow you to succeed.

I finally broke down that night, as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, and started to cry. I feel like I'm stuck in my own living hell - that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to get anything I want or any form of happiness.

At this point, I don't even ask for happiness - I ask for not unhappiness. My life pretty much sucks but I'm trying hard to grab at least a little happiness in my life. It wasn't until last night that I realized that I didn't have any happiness in my life, not a single thing to make me so. I was TRYING to grab a little bit of happiness by losing weight. It is pretty inconceivable that in 7 weeks I didn't manage to accomplish anything.

But, this morning is a new day and I'm going to switch some stuff up. I'm going to cut my calories by 100 for a total of 1500 a day rather than 1600. I'm going to cut out my one free day a week where I can eat anything I want. And, I'm going to complete cut out all sweets and cut almost all dairy completely for one month.

I'm giving myself one month (4 weeks) to try to see some weight loss. Now, to clarify, I am not looking for weight loss so much as "do my clothes fit better". And, after 7 weeks, the answer is, no - they don't. I have a pair of pants in mind as my gauge.

On top of that, I had some old Slimquick diet pills that I am going to start taking again. Hopefully they might work. I was taking them years ago, but stop because something I was taking made me sick (I think it was some iron in a multivitiam) so I stopped taking everything. I just never started up with the diet pills again. I didn't really think they were making a difference anyways.

At the end of four weeks, if I don't see some change, I'm going to find a dietitian or weight loss doctor and make any appointment - regardless of the cost to me. I am quickly losing hope and quickly becoming convinced that my failure is due to some medical condition. I just feel it is pretty impossible for a person to work out and as hard as I have and NOT loss any weight. I'm pretty such that there is something wrong with my body that is preventing results and once and for all I want to go and find what they something is.

I went to the store this morning and stocked up on healthy food. A lot of fresh fruit and veggies.

Well, I'm off to do some stretches here at home and then go to the gym for my morning work out. Later tonight, I'm going to return to the gym to audit a small group session class. My trainer thinks I should sign up for that (provided I like it) because it is cheaper than one-on-one sessions but just as good.

Right now, my stomach doesn't feel too good. I can't tell if it is because I'm just hungry, upset, or because my body doesn't like the diet pills. =/

Your Positive List

2011-06-16T07:53:00.001-05:00

Enough about being so down in the dumps. I figured I needed something to lift my spirits a bit. So, I present the other half of the equation, your positive list.

Just like you list out all your negatives, now you need to list out all your positives.

Romantic: I'm a romantic at heart. I want to fall in love, get married, have children. I want the forever dream.

Loyal/faithful: I am loyal to my friends and family. I am faithful to my partner and there is no way I would ever cheat. I am also loyal to those commitments I have made.

Dependable: If I say I am going to do something, I'll do it.

Hard Working: And I'll do it right.

Strong: Once I have committed, I'll see it through. I'm not wishy-washy.

Honest: Very honest. I don't like lying and rarely do it.

Caring/Protective: I am caring and protective of those I care for.

Generous/Thoughtful: Although not to the point of making me a smuck, I am generous and thoughtful. I like giving to people and making them happy.

Intelligent/Educated: I am smart and have my BBA.

Artistic/Creative: My one talent. I am very artistic and love doing anything that allows me to be creative.

Good Cook: I'm good at cooking and baking.

Healthy: Right now, I'm in excellent health. I'm also drug and addiction free.

Good Listener: I've been told I'm a good listener, but more than that, people tend to gravitate towards me to to tell me their problems.

Leader: I'm am a leader type.

Good with Money: I'm good with my money and I'm not in debt.

Nice: Probably the way most people describe me, that I am nice.

Clean/Organized: 'Tis true.

If He Seems too Good to be True...

2011-06-15T08:37:00.000-05:00

He probably is.

I'm sure that isn't what yall want to hear, but if you are dating a man, or thinking about dating a man, and he seems too good to be true - have your guard up. Well, you should always have your guard up but double time in this situation.

It is possible he just happens to be "the one" for you, but there are some good chances that if man is saying exactly what you want to hear, he is saying it just because he knows that is what you want to hear.

So, my mystery current suitor finally emailed me back. His email wasn't what I was expecting but at the same time he said somethings that were possible some of the sweetest things that anyone has ever said to me. My hackles instantly went up. Whenever someone starts saying things like that, to me, before we ever met, that means he is just trying to woo me but doesn't really mean what he is saying. He is just flirting.

So, I stopped and started to take everything in. It is really important that you pay close attention to what people tell you. Often times, if they are not well intentioned, all of a sudden things will not add up.

He claimed he was going to hold back on dating for awhile but yet has 3 other women in his queue. And, he is dating them. Not that I mind. I actually prefer that he is seeing other people because I want him to focus on me because he really likes me, not because I am the only choice. Normally, I don't think like that, but because it is long distance - I want to make sure the guy really digs me a lot before moving forward or giving things a shot.

Anyway, his "player" type attitude, mixed with not responding as fast as I would like, has done a good job of cooling my ardor and keeping me in check. In fact, I think I am quickly losing interest. Too many undesirables are popping up and not enough desirables to make it worth my effort. It is forever the bane and curse of all of my very few relationships. There is never any pleasure or good in them - all I ever get is bad out of them.

One person said something to me a few days back that really made a profound change in my thinking. I was talking about m horrible first and only relationship experience (which I have blogged about here) and everyone was agreeing that it was pretty bad (guys and girls).

One lady said that her first relationship was pretty bad and hurt her very deeply like mind did. She said, but you know, even though it took me a long time to get back into the dating scene and I have been hurt some more, nothing ever came even close to that first experience. Getting hurt at the level we did is pretty rare, most people don't get hurt that badly. And so, as I move forward, I realize that no matter what happens, I have never been hurt even close to what I was that first time. And, I think the hurt I do get hurts so little because I have that first experience to compare it to. It doesn't help the fact that you were hurt that first time, but the good news is, you will never be hurt as badly as you were like that again. That thought really made me feel better about putting myself back out there.

In other news, I found the pair of pants I am going to use as my measuring stick for losing weight in my butt and thighs. I'm pretty sure I have lost weight but that none of it has been in my butt or thigh area. It is soo frustrating. How can a woman lose weight and not lose ANY of it in her butt and thigh area?!

How to Date like a Man When you Think like a Woman

2011-06-14T16:20:00.000-05:00

This train of thoughts comes at a timely manner. What I am experiencing now will be a good chance to practice some sage advice. I'm currently in contact with a guy from out of state who seems interesting and seems interested in me. At first, I was lukewarm about his attention because I really don't want a LDR. However, the more we talked the more interested (and invested) I started to become. I am now to the point where I am actually hoping something might happen and looking forward (with baited breath) to hear from him. It has now been two days since I have heard from him and I'm am sorely disappointed. If I feel this way over just not hearing from the guy in two days and I haven't even met him, how am I ever suppose to survive the dating scene? Well, I'm about to tell you and what I did wrong.

I am convinced that the women's rights moment and feminism has done more harm than good. We fought for equality. We fought to be treated the same as men. We got it. But, what no one thought about was that I don't *want* to be treated the same as a man. I'm not a man. I'm a woman and, as such, have different needs and wants. And, what everyone has failed to gasp is that you can be equal without being the same.

So now, what has happened, in the name of equality, is women are being treated just like men and are expected to act just like men. If you don't, guys call foul. So, how to you date like a man when you think like a woman? The first thing you need to learn is how a man dates.

Men and women think so differently that even the best and wisest of us cannot fully comprehend and appreciate where the other sex is coming from. A good place to learn how the opposite sex thinks is to read dating advice blogs (and the user comments) by both males and females. It is interesting that, even though each sex claims to understand the opposite, in the end, the advice given to their opposite sex readers is still geared towards benefiting their own sex. So, if a woman asks advice from a male, the male will claim to understand her plight and then give her advice that still benefits the male.

This just solidifies my point, that even though people can claim to understand the opposite sex, they will never totally get it because, if they did, they wouldn't be giving advice that, in the end, forces the person to go completely against their nature. Proof in point that we should stop trying to make out males and females to be the same and *embrace* our differences. If you are a woman, you should read advice from males but act on advice from other females. If you are a man, you should read advice from females but act on the advice from other males.

I don't know about you, but as much as males infuriate me, I still want a man to be a man. I don't want a man who acts like a female. And, I'm pretty sure that as much as females infuriate males, they don't really want a female who acts like a man.

So, let's stop and think about what drives a man and what makes him tick.

1)Sex - A guy loves sex. He will sleep with pretty much any woman who offers it. He doesn't need to feel anything for her and often times he doesn't. He wants sex early and he wants sex often. Sex doesn't have any correlation to a relationship. Having sex with a guy will not make or break chances for a relationship. Guys are capable of having sex with someone without feeling a single thing for the women. Guys hardly ever regret sex.

2)Not in tune with their emotions - Guys are trained from an early age to hide and suppress their emotions. What this means, is that when you ask a guy how they feel about you, they really don't know. A man could be madly in love with you but not realize that until a year later. A man could hate your guts and not realize it until a year later. A guy could think he is one thing and really not be. He just doesn't understand his own emotions and feelings.

3)Commitment phobe - It takes most guys a long ass time to make up their mind and commit. Mostly because guys take so long to sort out their emotions and figure out the truth of their feelings. If a guy is telling you he feels one thing after one date, he is lying. What he is really telling you is, at this moment in time, *I think* I blah blah blah. (Example: He says, I really like you and find you incredible attractive. What he is really saying (and what you should hear!) is, At this moment, I really like you and find you incredibly attractive. What is unsaid is, tomorrow I might not find you so.)

4) Don't get attached easily - Because guys can have sex without any emotional bond. Because sex doesn't create an emotion bond. Because guys are not in tune with their emotions. And because guys are commitment phobes - they don't get attached easily. Girls start getting attached after one date. Men start getting attached after one year. Guys don't get attached to you like we get to them. They don't understand how we do because it just doesn't happen like that for them.

5) Think only of themselves first - Now, not all men are like this, but many people today (both males and females) are very selfish. They think only of their needs and desires. They never stop to consider anyone else. People often justify such behavior by saying the other person was an adult and knew what they were getting into. They also say that the only person responsible for their feelings is themselves. This absolves them of all guilt, blame, or responsibility if they do hurt someone.

Bull Shit. Just because people are responsible for their own feelings doesn't mean you can go around and purposely do something that will hurt someone else. Can I go up to someone and call them a fat cow, making them cry, and say I didn't hurt them at all? It wasn't my fault they are upset because they control their emotions? No, and it is stupid to even think I am not responsible for that person's hurt feelings. So, if you do something that knowingly could hurt someone, DON'T DO IT.

So how does this differ from females...

1)Sex - While there are a handful of women who can have no-strings attracted sex and not from any type of bond with their sexual partner, that number is way way down. Even those women who claim to be able to do this, a lot of the times are lying to themselves.

Not only does sex bond us to our partner but sex is very emotional for us. It isn't a matter of not wanting to separate the physical from the emotional. It is a matter of women CAN'T separate the physical from the emotional. Both are always there. Because the emotional is there, woman naturally WANT to have sex with a person they have an emotional bond with. Guys might think we are trying to trade sex for a commitment, but that is not true. It is simply we don't WANT to have sex outside of commitment. So when we say we don't want to sleep with anyone outside of a commitment - we are not telling you to have a commitment with us if you want sex (we might not even want a commitment with you), we are simply and just stating we don't want sex outside of a commitment.

2)In tune with our emotions - Women are emotional creatures. We are swimming in our emotions and when it comes to sex, even more emotions pop up. So we are much better at knowing how we feel about you early on. We might not tell you how we honestly feel, but we usually know pretty quickly. That doesn't mean there are not some bad woman who string guys along even though they know nothing is ever going to happen.

3)Commitment - Women are usually not so scared to commitment. In fact, I think something in us wants us too. Plus, we want sex just as much as you do and the sooner we commit, the soon we can get down and nasty with you.

4)Get attached too easily - Because we want sex but not outside a commitment. Because we are so in tune with our emotions. Because being physically aroused triggers our emotions. Because we want to commit to you - we get attached way too easily and fast. By the third date, most women are thinking about a future with you and ready to see where things will go.

5)Women are just as bad about only thinking of themselves. If everyone stopped thinking only about what they wanted and started thinking about what the other person wanted too, we probably wouldn't get as hurt as much.

So how should females act....

First, know yourself and what you want. Take some time to really think about what you want out of a relationship? Do you just want a hook up? Do you just want a casual thing? Do you want to wait until marriage for sex? Whatever it is you want, you can't get it if you don't know what you are after.

Once you know what you want, don't compromise! If you want one thing, don't accept something different.

Guys know what they want and they go after it. They don't let girls talk them into something they are not interested in.

If someone is not offering you what you want, make it clear what you want. It is only fair because no one can read your mind. But, be willing to walk if they say no. You don't have to worry about them walking away from you because YOU should be walking away if they are not willing to give you what you want. It might sound stubborn, but it is what all guys do. They know what we don't want to believe, that there are tons of girls out there and if the person in front of us isn't willing to give us what we want, we can move on to someone else who will.

Don't get attached. A good thing to do is called mirroring. You do just and only what the guy does. If the guy calls you, you call him back. If the guy emails you, you email him back. If the guy says he likes you, you say you like him back (assuming you do). Dating several guys at the same time can help you not get attached. Reminding yourself that there are tons of guys out there will help you not get attached. Remember that getting attached too quickly will lead to hurt will help you not get attached.

Know what you want and DON'T accept anything less. Know that you are a valuable, wonderful person who deserves to get what you want out of a relationship. When you truly believe you DO deserve what you desire, you will not start settling for less.

Guys don't get attached easily so it is easy for them to walk away without getting hurt because they haven't invested anything emotionally. Walking away doesn't hurt them so it is easy for them. Limit your emotional attachment towards a guy to nothing more than fun, curiosity, and a smile for the first few months.

I'm sure there are a lot of guys who don't like the idea that the girl they are dating will wait a few months before starting to "fall" for them but tough. That is exactly what guys do to us and, after all, isn't that what you guys wanted - for as girls to be exactly the same as you guys?

As to my current potential in question - I realized that the fast action back and forth helped build and generate attraction but he dropped the ball. And I felt a small pang of hurt from his silence. A good check for me. I was getting too attached too fast. A good check is if you find yourself think about a guy more than once a day. If you do, you need to rain in some of those emotions.

I suggest always keeping yourself busy. Sign up for some hobby classes. Hang out with your friends. Run all your errands and clean the house. Go to the gym. Read a book or watch a movie. Limit checking your email and dating sites to once a day at a set time. Don't make anyone a priority in your life when they only make you an option.

Your Negatives List

2011-06-13T07:34:00.000-05:00

The things people look for in a partner, in order are:

1) Good Physical Appearance
2) Healthy Mental State

and coming in third is Personality. Now, what part of your personality? That is up to the person in question. Some look for humor, some intelligence, some religion, some morals and values, some look for a hobby.

The point is, you don't know what the person is going to look for. Because of this, the only thing you can do is focus on making yourself stellar based on your strengths and weaknesses. Be true to yourself and you will end up with a good match for you.

A lot of people say to play to your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. I don't think this way. I think it is a combination of both our strengths and weaknesses that make us unique and special. I value my weaknesses just as much as I value my strengths. In a way, my strengths are my weaknesses and my weaknesses my strengths.

I always suggest honing both your strengths and weaknesses to make yourself a better person. If you actively do that, every 5 months or so you should make two lists. One of your weaknesses and one of your strengths. Be honest, be brutal. No one is going to see the lists but you. It helps you know yourself better and, armed with knowledge, you can work to shape yourself into what you want to be.

The last time I did this was about a year ago. I decided it was time to do it again to see how I might have grown or changed over the past year. I'm not going to reference the old list until I finish with this new one. I don't want it to taint this list.

I'm started with the Negatives because I want to end on a positive note.

I am:

-Impatient: I am completely and totally impatient. I don't like waiting for things or waiting to start working on things. I hate doing anything which I see as a waste of time. I'm also impatient with stupid people or people with their heads up their butts.

-Complainer: This tends to be less the happier I am. But when I am very unhappy, I get annoyed easier and point out all the stupid things in the world more.

-Lack of confidence: Partly it is because I am a perfectionist. I look at what I do and never see something that is good enough. Partly because I have tried so many times in my past and always always always failed. Partly because I grew up with everyone around me telling me I am not good enough or I just plain suck.

-Low Self-Esteem: Should not be confused with lack of confidence because they are not the same thing. One has to do with how you value your being, the other has to do with how you value what your being can do. Because I grew up with everyone around me telling me I am not good enough or I just plain suck. Because I was always told I was ugly and no one has ever come around to tell me differently.

-Bossy: Purely in my nature.

-Controlling: This goes alone with being bossy. I'm impatient so I like to control situations so I don't become impatient. I'm smart and a perfectionist, and if I control the situation, I can make sure it is done right. And, I simple don't like being in a situation were I don't have any control over it.

-Negative: Not always, not about everything. I'm actually an optimistic realist. However, when the world seems to hate you and nothing seems to go your way, it is hard for me NOT to become negative. I know this is a trait that isn't in my nature, it is one that is brought on by my circumstances. If they improved, the negativism would vanish.

-Melodramatic: Way worse when the negativism is higher. I tend to see things worse than maybe they are - or only see the worst case scenario.

-Fearful: Along with the melodrama, I am very fearful that those worst case scenarios are what my future will hold. I'm also very fearful of being hurt badly again to to the point that it is almost crippling.

-Fear of Rejection: This is a natural conclusion given my low self-esteem, negativism, melodramatic nature, and fear. I fear being alone and therefore, rejection is what I fear most in life. Each rejection lends credence to the reality that I will never be loved, never marry, never have children or a family and die at a very old age all alone.

-Tough Love: I don't see this as a negative but some people do. I am all about the tough love. So, some people think I'm uncaring. But that isn't true at all. I care very deeply. I just care in a way to help you fix the problem rather then just sit around and accept them. And many people don't understand that type of caring.

_______________

-Currently home-less: I don't currently have my own home which makes me less attractive.

-Currently Job-less: I don't currently have a job which makes me less attractive.

-Fat: I am fat which makes me less attractive.

A New Way to Date

2011-06-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about dating, strategies, success, and simply and most importantly, what I want.

If you are not happily married and want to be, if you are not engaged and want to be, if you want him to commit and he won't, if you are not happy with your dating life and success, maybe it is time you chance to a new strategy. Or, I should say an old one.

Everyone and everything says that the only way to get a man to commit to you is by never pressuring him, never asking him questions about the future, and never even thinking about the future. You should simply enjoy the present. You need to have fun, have sex, take pleasure. You need to give up all control (give it all to him). Let him control the direction of the relationship and trust him (why I should trust someone who gives me no reason to trust him is beyond me) that he will do (decide) what is right in the end (marring you and starting a family) because one day he will wake up and realize how stupid he would be to give you up. And he he doesn't, then (obviously >.> ) he either wasn't the right guy for you OR your relationship wasn't meant to be, OR your relationship had run its course and it is time for a new one. >.> (Gag me!)

If you express your desire for commitment, he will spook and run. If you express a desire for children someday, he will spook and run. If you say you want love before you sleep with him, he will spook and run. If you ask him if he cares for you, he will spook and run. If you ask him for what you want, he will spook and run. If you ask him what he is thinking or feeling, he will spook and run.

Not only will he spook and run, but it is your fault he did so! (>.>) YOU were putting the cart before the horse. YOU were wrong to think about the future when YOU should only live in the present. YOU were wrong for using sex as a currency. YOU were wrong for trying that have some control over your life. YOU were wrong for simply wanting something. How dare you want love, affection, and caring from a man before you spread your legs for him! You should only want to sleep with him because he is fun and hot and because YOU have needs too, right?! (>.>)

Oh, I hear it now. The screams and yells of the indignant modern males and females. But, you are getting something out of the relation too. You are not giving and him only taking anything. It is a mutual interest. You are both having fun. You are both enjoying yourselves. And with sex, you are getting as much pleasure out of it as he is. And, if you are not having fun, if you are not enjoying the sex and the dating and the waiting and the game playing - you are not ready to date yet and you need to stop until you are.

Sorry, Bull Shit.

In the 50's, 60's and 70's, our mothers and grandmothers fought hard for equality in all things - including dating and relationships. In fact, they fought so hard to be "just like a man" (in the name of equality) that they never stopped to think that they wouldn't want to be the exact same as a man. Women are not men. We think differently and have different wants, needs, and desires. I can't act like a man because I AM NOT A MAN. I don't want to date like a man because it goes against my very nature (something that I have no control over).

Women have been brainwashed to act and believe they can be happy with "no-string" relationships. And, truthfully, there are a few women out there who can, but they are in the small minority. Men have be brainwashed to believe that women want "no-string" relationships too. Or, at least they believe we are happy with them. But, all our mothers and grandmothers have managed to do in their fight for equality is hand over all the control to the guys, taught women to go against their very nature, and have set us up for pain and heartache.

I am not capable (and most women are not) of "no-string" anything when it comes to relationships. I very much *do* want something back if I am sleeping with you. I very much want something back if I am spending all my time with you. I very much want something back if I am exclusive with you, placing all my eggs in your basket.

I want caring and love, I want commitment, and I want reassurance that you are considering a future with me. It isn't even wanting. It is needing. I need those things to be happy. In lieu of those things, I'm never going to be happy with you. And if I am not happy with you, why should I continue to date you? Why shouldn't I move on to some other guy who will provide what I need.

It is funny, in modern relationships, it is all about making the guy happy and providing what he wants and needs. When a woman states what she wants and needs to be happy, we are chastised and demonized (by both females and males!) That's why I say all this "equality" in dating and relationships has really only caused an imbalance and placed all the control in the hands of men.

Guys need sex - so we give it to them. Guys need space - so we give it to them. Guys need time - so we give it to them. We give it to them without considering our own needs. We give it to them without considering our own wants. We give it to them even if we don't want to because we convince ourselves that if we don't - we will lose him. And, saddest of all, we convince ourselves, repress our nature, into believing we are happy and don't really need and want what we really need and want. We have just given up getting those things, believing they are a fairy tale, and so settle for only what we *think* we can get.

But, ladies - that isn't true. There is a new way of approaching dating that can give guys what they need AND give us what we need. Well, the truth really is, it isn't a new way of dating at all. It is the old way! It is the way we use to date before out mothers and grandmothers tried for "equality".

"Oh but I don't like traditional dating!" This isn't traditional dating as you know it. Traditional dating today is really a Modern-Traditional dating. What I'm talking about is different.

Let's start by debunking some of the myths we women have been forced to make ourselves believe in order to navigate the modern world dating scene.

Sex

Okay, let's see a raise of hands. How many of you women have had a one night stand? Come on, let's see those hands. Now, how many of you have regretted it later or had some misgivings about it? Don't be shy.

How many of you gals have had a string of flings when you were younger? Maybe you wanted to party and be free in your heydays. Now, how many of you, years later, look back and think that probably wasn't the best thing you could have done? How many of you stopped doing it because it just wasn't fulfilling anymore?

Do you think ANY man has ever looked back at a one night stand and regretted (minus walking up and learning that his beer goggles were on the night before)? Do you think ANY man ever stops his fling/player behavior because he doesn't enjoy it anymore? No, they don't. They stop because they finally want to settle down and start a family. They don't stop because they don't enjoy it. They DO enjoy it because it is in their nature.

Most women DON'T enjoy it (or regret it a little later) because it is NOT in our nature. Our nature is the sleep with men who mean something to us.

How many of you have slept with a man on the first date? How many of you started second guessing yourself the next morning? How many of you debated with yourself if you should sleep with a man on the first date? How many of you wondered if he would still respect you and want a relationship with you if you slept with him that fast? How many of you wondered if he would call you the next morning if you slept with him that night?

How many guys do you think think about this stuff? Any guesses? That's right - none.

Men don't equate sex with relationships but women do. If we didn't, none of those things would ever pop into our heads. We WANT sex to be in the contexts of a relationship.

How many of you had agonized over when to start sleeping with your man? How many of you have a rule that you won't sleep with a guy until you are in an "exclusive relationship"?

How many guys do you think ponder when is the right time to start sleeping with a woman? (They usually ponder when a woman will let them start sleeping with them.) How many guys do you think will only sleep with a women inside of an exclusive relationship? That's right - pretty much none.

Women want commitment in relationship to sex. Men just want sex.

So, what does all this tell you about the general nature of women and sex?

It tells us that sex, for females, is not and cannot be a purely physical act. It is also an emotional act for us. We want sex to be with someone who we care for, who cares for us, and inside a committed relationship. In the past, this was not such a big problem because sex was expected to only happen if you were married. If a guy married you, the assumption was that you cared for your husband, that he cared for you, and there was no question about commitment.

Marriage, Family, and Careers

How many of you dreamed about your wedding when you were a little girl? How many of you picked out names for your future children? How many of you talked with other little girls about how many babies you wanted? How many of you think being a stay at home mom would be nice? How many of you would feel unfulfilled if you never have children? How many of you would feel unfulfilled if you never marry? How many of you would feel like less of a women if you never marry or never have children?

Be honest.

How many men do you think do those things? How many men do you think feel those ways? Not very many.

How many of you have felt the pull and head the ticking of your biological clock? How many men do you think suffer from a biological clock?

Women are family oriented. It starts at a very young age. It isn't even all nature. It is nurture too. Girls are giving baby dolls and kitchen sets to play house with. Boys are not.

Yes, I know there are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, women want a family and children. We are raised to want one. And, we are brainwashed into identifying our worth with our family. If we don't get married and have children - we are considered defective, less than a true female.

Men are not. They are not considered less than male if they never have offspring or marry. A man's self-worth is not tied to family - it is tied to their career and money making power.

Why do you think men are so focused on their career? It is because their self-worth is tied to it. Women's self-worth is tied to marriage and children. Men's self-worth is tied to career and money.

Women pursue and want marriage and family like men want a career and money. Do you think a man would ever sit back in a low level job and never ask or work towards a promotion? A pay raise? Do you think they are going to sit back and wait for their boss to decide if they ever get a promotion? Do they never ask their boss about the new opening because they are afraid it will turn their boss off to giving it to them? No they would not.

But that is exactly want women are told to do. Women are told to sit back and smile in their entry level relationship. They are told not to work towards that promotion to girlfriend or wife. They are told to sit back and let the guy decide if they will get promoted to those titles. They are told not to ask the guy about those positions because it will turn the guy off. The guy will never give them the promotion by asking for them. In fact, the guy (boss) will be so turned off, that he will break up with them (fire them).

Do you see how stupid it is to just stand by and to leave your fate in someone else's hand? But that is what we are told to do all the time.

Men just don't care about relationships, marriage, and children like females do. They care, just not as much and not in the same way. It isn't tied to their core. It is not tied in anyway to their self-worth and so they don't actively think about it. If you just sit back and leave it up the the man, it might never happen. And, it isn't always because he doesn't want to step it up. It is because he doesn't even think about stepping it up. It doesn't even cross his mind.

Why Buy the Cow when the Milk is Free?

How many of you have heard this? How many of you think it is true? Well, I do.

Men might not actively want a wife, children, and a family but there is one think that all men do want - and that is sex.

Sex can be emotional for guys but it isn't necessary. As long as the physical is there, a guy will be happy. If a guy is happy, there is NO incentive for him to change.

If a guy can get sex outside of marriage (and he is indifferent to marriage) what incentive is there for him to marry? If a guy can get sex outside of an exclusive relationship (and he is indifferent to an exclusive relationship) than what incentive is there for him to enter an exclusive relationship? If a man can get sex on the first or second date, what incentive is there to date someone for a longer period of time?

If a man can get a woman to live with him, take care or him, and act exactly like a wife, what incentive is there for him to actually get married? If a women is willing to bare his children without married, what incentive is there for him to do so? In fact, it is in his favor to NOT get married.

First and foremost, the act of marriage is a commitment and a promise. A promise that you will be faithful and loyal to this one person. A promise that you will never covet another women. A marriage is the combining and meshing of two lives into one. A marriage is a total commitment of time, body, heart, soul, life, and resources.

That is pretty scary. You now what is less scary - that or only committing and promising what you want and are willing to? And as long as the women is game, why would you get involved more than you have to or wanted to? If you don't marry, and it fails, you don't have to worry about alimony. You don't have to worry about splitting as many resources and assets. You don't have to worry about paper work and lawyers.

No, why should a man take the plunge when he is already getting everything he wants and is happy?

Oh, wait, what was that? You are not happy? You are not getting what you want? You don't want to play wife 100% to a man who isn't willing to play 100% husband? You don't want to bare children to a man who has one foot out the door (or only one foot in the door)? You don't want to suffer the pain that would come from you fully committing when he isn't?

Well, girl, than don't. Stop giving the man everything he wants when he isn't giving you everything you want. A relationship is a complete partnership. It isn't about him getting 100% of what he wants and you only getting 50% of what you want.

YOU are at fault for not giving him any reasons or incentives to fully commit to you. He is doing just want he has to to get what HE wants. What you need to start doing is doing what you need to do to get what YOU want.

I'll let you in on a little secret, if he really WANTS you, if you say the only way to get what you want is by doing X, than he will do X. The only reason guys stopped doing X is because women started (in the name of equality) giving them what THEY wanted without it.

And this leads me to...

A New Way to Date

Date multiple people at the same time.

This does not mean sleep with multiple people at the same time - just dating. Women tend to get attracted easily and start thinking ahead. If you are dating multiple people, are keep yourself from becoming overly attracted to one man too soon.

It keeps things light and fun instead of becoming to serious too fast. And, isn't that a big complaint from guys? If you are dating multiple men, you are expanding the amount of time you have to "waste" having fun without actually having more time. You are doubling up and you won't have to worry about spooking a guy away because you are more relaxed about the future. Because, if the future doesn't look right for one guy, no big deal, there are others lined up who may be.

By dating multiple people, it helps you learn and see what you are really looking for in a relationship and in a man. It makes it easier for you to step away from someone who is not right for you because there are other people waiting for you.

You don't waste months on the wrong man, because if a man is wrong for you, you have others there who might be right. This is particularly good for people who hear their biological clock ticking and don't have years to waste on the wrong man.

Once you find a man who you think you want to be more serious with (and who wants to be more serious with you), you can stop dating the others and focus on that one man.

Accept that he is multi-dating and sleeping with other people.

Fair is fair. Don't be a double standards girlie. If you are dating multiple people it is only fair he can date multiple people too.

Oh, I know you might not like it, but think of it this way. If he is dating multiple people and ends up exclusive with you, that means that he picked you over all those other girls.

The hardest part is accepting that he might be sleeping with other people. Remember, he is not exclusive with you so there is not any reason he shouldn't be sleeping with other people (or rather you don't have the right to demand that he isn't). As he becomes closer to you, he should start stopping focusing on those women and focusing more on you. Remember, guys want sex. They are rather dumb that way.

Plus, you're not giving him sex so it isn't unreasonable that he is getting it somewhere else.

If you know a guy is still sleeping with other women while he is dating you... If you notice he is not moving towards exclusivity with you... you know he just isn't that into you and you should dump him and move on to the other guys.

Don't tell the guy you are dating multiple people and don't be exclusive until he is exclusive.

It is a double standard but, a guy might not want to be exclusive with you but he sure as heck wants you to be exclusive with him. Guys don't like to hear, think, or know you are dating other guys. Don't tell them. If you do, it will just upset them and they might walk. I say, if a guy doesn't want you seeing other guys, than he can ask for and be exclusive. Shy of that, he doesn't have that right.

Until he asks for exclusivity, don't assume he isn't dating other people. Chances are, he is.

If a guy isn't dating anyone else (by choice) but hasn't asked for exclusivity with you, he is being strange or has some type of commitment issues.

Never assume exclusivity until you talk about it.

Set boundaries once exclusive.

Other than it doesn't leave any room for doubt and wrong assumptions, another benefit of having an exclusivity talk is that it allows you to set boundaries without seeming demanding or controlling.

It allows you to ask what exclusivity means to him and what exclusivity means to you. It allows you to, point blank, tell a guy what you consider cheating or not. It allows you to let him know what you expect and want at this point.

If you are only seeing each other once a week - you might say, now that we are exclusive I'd like to see each other more often. You might want to touch base daily with a phone call.

If you think watching porn is cheating, now is the time to mention that. How about going to see strippers? Getting a lap dance? Now is you time to lay those cards out with impunity. Don't let this once in a relationship time golden opportunity go.

Don't become exclusive too early or before he shows signs he wants some type of commitment with you.

A lot of guys want exclusivity early on for control. He might not know how he feels about you, he might not even know or want a commitment with you but he doesn't want you dating other guys. What he wants is time - time to decide. If he waits until he has decided about you, to become exclusive, he runs the risk of losing you to another guy. DON'T give him this control and power over you.

By denying exclusivity until he is ready for a real commitment towards you, you are forcing him to think about what he really wants with you or run the risk of losing you to another guy. It also doesn't lock you into a relationship with a guy who may only be lukewarm about you. While Mr. Lukewarm is deciding, you might have missed out on Mr. Totally Hot to Trot For You.

I would reserve exclusivity to someone who is, at the minimum of:

I really like you.
I care for you a lot.
I want you to be my girlfriend.
I really want to give us a chance to see where you and I go.

Only date guys who are looking for the same thing you are in a relationship:

Building on the "see where you and I go", makes sure that you only date men who want to go where you want to do. If you mention anything about long term, marriage, and children too early, you will spook the guy.

That is why you are dating a lot of guys at the same time. If you are dating one guy who only wants a fling, it is no big deal because you are also dating 3 more guys who do want a relationship, marriage, and children.

So how do you know what a guys wants without asking them?

Listen to and believe what a man tells you.

You should be dating a guy for, at least, a month before you move to focusing only on him. In that time, listen to what he tells you. If he says anything anti children, marriage, or family - chances are he doesn't want them.

If he brings it up first, you are in the clear to ask follow up questions without spooking him. If he says something like, "Marriage is stupid." You are free to reply with something like, "Haha, I take it you don't want to get married?" If he says no, you know to dump him.

A guy might flat out tell you. If a guy says he doesn't want kids - believe him. Don't think he doesn't know what he really wants. Don't think you can change his mind. Don't think that if you stick around long enough he will change his mind for you. No, just walk away to the next guy.

If he doesn't mention anything about family, marriage, or children, after about a month of dating, go ahead and bring it up. Don't bring it up as "I want." Bring it up as, "Are you interested in..." Maybe, if you are out somewhere and you see a cute kid, you could smile and say, "Ah, it's a cute kid. Do you think you might want some kids of your own someday?"

Do be upfront about when you will and won't sleep with him.

Guys want sex as soon as they can get it. Don't fall into the trap that if you don't sleep with a man you will lose him. If he walks away because you don't give him sex soon enough, then he really wasn't into you in the first place.

Yes, there are a lot of guys out there who will walk away from a woman if she doesn't give him sex within his own personal time frame. You know why guys do this? Because they can. In the past, if a man wanted to get sex, he had to put a ring on her finger. Now, guys don't have to do that to get sex - so they don't. If you won't give him sex, there are a ton of other women out there who will.

Women think they can't get a man without putting out. What they don't realize is that if more women would stop putting out, the man wouldn't leave because it's not like he can get it anywhere else (without paying for it). A man will do what he has to do get sex. You, as the woman, have an incredible amount of power in this regards - or at least we did.

However, that leads to guys thinking you are playing games, using sex, and bartering sex for what you want. Guys don't like this and I don't blame them.

To counter balance this, as soon as thing start to heat up or get physical, you should stop and say we need to have a talk. I am not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship and before I am ready. I'm just not ready or comfortable having sex with you yet. If that it a problem for you, I understand. I just wanted to be upfront with were I am coming from.

Guys actually really like this.

1) You are setting up boundaries. Don't mess it up by sleeping with him the next night. Stick to the boundaries and rules you set up. He will respect you for them. If you don't stick to your own rules, he will not respect you, believe you, and think you are only playing games.

2) You are letting him know, that you are not easy, a slut, and don't sleep around. If you don't sleep with someone outside an exclusive relationship, he knows you are not sleeping with other guys.

3) You are telling him you are not playing games or "withholding sex". You are telling him you are a mature person who knows what she wants and will only sleep with someone when you want to and when you are ready.

4) You also show you are considerate of his feelings. You let him know where you stand rather than letting him guess. You also show that you understand his side and are not asking him to put your desires over his. You let him know he can leave if he doesn't like it. Believe me, he won't leave. If he does, he only wanted sex from you anyways and you are well rid of him.

Of course, if you really just want a fling or DO want to have sex with him right then, by all means, go for it. =)

Don't play house without commitment.

This is the same as sex. If you give it to a guy without demanding anything in return, you are never going to get what you wanted. He has no reason to give it to you. If I go to a store and they hand you a banana for free, why would you turn around and then buy one?

If you live with a guy without marriage - you do realize you are doing everything that is entailed with marriage without the marriage and commitment, right?

You are giving him free access to sex. You are giving him a shared household. You are pretending to be his wife. You are doing everything that a wife does. Except, except you are not a wife and you are not his wife.

Don't do it. Just don't. If he likes you enough that he wants you to act as his wife, if you like him enough that you want to act like his wife, make him *make* you his wife. Don't settle for pretend.

Now, if you absolutely must live with the guy before marriage (maybe you believe it is important to have a test run), set a time limit. You don't have to share it with him, but have it in your mind (and stick to it!).

Tell yourself that if he hasn't proposed by 6 months or 1 year - you are going to walk. I can't tell you how many girls want to get married and are just living with their man waiting for him to propose. The reason he isn't is because he is perfectly happy with how things are now and has no reason or incentive to change it.

If he knows he will lose you if he doesn't make it official, if he cares, he will make it official. If not, you know that he doesn't really care and you are better off without him.

Don't issue ultimatums but Do have a mental time line (and stick to it!).

In that same vain, never issue ultimatums. Guys don't like them and spook or walk because of them. But, that doesn't mean you can't ask for what you want. The trick is to have you own personal timeline in your head. Say you want your guy to propose to you 1 year after becoming exclusive. Just be patient during that year and don't mention anything about marriage. Let him have that time to come to the decision on his own.

If, at the 11 month mark, he hasn't said anything to you, bring it up in a non confrontational way. Something like, "We have been together for awhile and I totally love you. I'd like to get married to you and I'm wondering how you feel about this." Have an open conversation about it.

If he still hasn't proposed or isn't on the same page as you a month later, you need to have another talk with him. This talk basically goes like this, "I love you and want to get married. It seems that isn't want you want so I think it is time for me to walk so I can find what I am after." And when you say this you absolutely DO need to walk. Don't say you are walking and not. That undermined you and tells him you don't mean what you say.

If he really cares for you, he will propose. If not, you know he just isn't the right guy for you - no matter how much it hurts or you care for him.

Let him think he is in control.

Guys bitch about how controling women are all the time, but in the end they are the ones who really want all the power in a relationship. Not to mention, that is basically want all the modern day dating advice is telling us - let the guys have complete control over a relationship or else you will lose him and he will never commit. >.>

Don't talk about your wants. Don't pressure him. Let him have all the time in the world to decide if he wants to be with you. Let him decide when is the right time to propose. Let him propose. Let him decide when to be exclusive. Let him decide when to move in together. Let him decide when to get married. All you can do is say yeah or nay.

Bull Shit. What you do is use your mental time line. You don't bring this stuff up or mention you want it. That way, he thinks (feels) he has all the time in the world, pressure free, to make the decisions. The reality is that he doesn't have all the time in the world. You have your own time line in your head.

When his time is running out, you have a conversation about what you want - so he knows. He can't know what you want if you don't tell him. Then you give him a little time to see if he complies with your desires. If he doesn't, you have another talk. You tell him I want this or else I'm going to go find it somewhere else. He has the ultimate choice to step up to the plate or strike out.

Don't be afraid to move on. You have to. You might think he is perfect for you and that if you just give him a little more time... but you can't do that. The guy who is right for you will make you happy. You cannot give up your happiness for someone else's.

Pretend to be all about the moment - don't let him know you are strategizing.

Guys like it when girls act "cool". They are attracted to it. They like when a girl just has fun and lives in the present. They don't like thinking about the future (mainly because they just don't know about the future).

They naturally want to run away when a women starts talking about marriage, children, what not. I secretly think is has to do with guys wanting to sleep with as many women as they can and when a women starts talking about commitment, all they see is losing their sexual freedom. But, when a man *loves* a women, that fear is mitigated a lot.

So, always keep your eye on the goal. Never forget what you really want. Never think that things will happen the way they are suppose to and will happen naturally. From the beginning of time, women have been strategizing to get their men. The trick is to not let your man know what you are doing. Make him think it was all his idea.

Be open to who you date.

Lastly, be open to who you are dating. As we get older, we become more picky because we don't want to "waste our time" with the wrong man. But you don't have to worry about that with this new way to date. You can date as many men as you can handle.

There is no harm in giving a guy a few hours of your time. Just go out with him, have fun, and see what happens. If he turns out to be a dud, don't see him again. But who knows, you could be pleasantly surprised. The guy you would have never thought would be your type turns out to be your Mr. Right.

The beauty with this dating way is that you open yourself up to a ton of possibilities that you never had before. You also increase you chances of finding your "one".

When you are out with a bunch of men, when you think you have a lot of options, and *are* having fun - you will be less stressed. When you are less stressed you become more attractive. Just another one of the advantages.

So, if you are having a hard time with the dating game, dump the modern or modern-traditional style and try this one for a few months. This was how they did it before women fought for "equality". This is the method that was in place for thousands of years. So maybe our great great great grandma's new something that we just don't today. =)

Long Distance Relationship Again

2011-06-11T08:11:00.002-05:00

As a follow up to my last post, I didn't get weighed or measured. My trainer cancelled on me and rescheduled for Friday. Friday we met and did water aerobics so no weigh in. Pretty disappointing. Yet another person has commented on my losing weight but that none of it is in the butt. Sigh, that is where I really need to lose it. I already don't look proportional, if I lose more weight at the top and none at the bottom, I'm just going to look even worse! Sigh, I just can't win for trying.

On other news, I'm currently kind of talking to this new guy out of state. Why can't I find a guy interested in me locally?! I really don't want to do the long distance thing again. The first time, it didn't bother me and I was all gun-hoe about moving to him if things work out. This time, I'm not sure I want to pack up and move to him. I'm not even thinking that far ahead this time. I'm just going with the flow and we will see how I feel when the time comes.

But, I kind of resent the fact that I know I'd have to move to him. He has a kid so I know he would never move out of state. But, that really pisses me off. Why can't I find a guy who is willing to move for me? He might like me, but not enough to really uproot himself. I would never be more important than his kid.

It is probably all a moot point because I have sent him a photo and he, like every other guys, is probably going to run screaming for the hills now. It will be really interesting to honestly see what he does now that he has my picture. (Rather telling that I haven't heard back from him yet.) He claims he wouldn't lose interest just seeing my mug, but I don't think people are usually being honest when they say that. Looks do matter and they are what matters the most.

Luckily, this time, I just don't have much of anything invested other then curiosity. And if he really does poof on me, now that he has an idea of my appearance, it isn't a big deal. I take it as a good thing that I'm started to become numb to these type of things.

I hate being the Fattest Girl in class

2011-06-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

In a few minutes, I'm about to meet up with my trainer for my weekly workout with her. I'm going to make sure I get weighed and measured and I'm planning on asking her if I've lost anything. *gulp*

Exercise-wise, I've been doing great. Averaging about 2 hours a day, per day, for the last 5 weeks. Food, not so much. My family makes it super hard on me because they don't offer any support and continue to bring truck loads of junk food into the house. I've had two people comment that they think I have slimmed down some, but honestly, I don't see it. My preferred method to gauge weight loss is to see how my clothes are fitting. When they start getting too big, that means I'm making progress. I've, sadly, not noticed anything. =(

3 years ago, or is that 4 now =0, I purchased a pair of night shorts and a tee at target because I really liked them. I knew they wouldn't fit, but I told myself they would be a reward for losing weight. When I got home, I was horrified that I couldn't even get the shorts on passed the knees. Now, I can wear the shorts but they are like a second skin. I never wear them more than a few seconds because I'm afraid I'll split the seams. It's cool to see how much progress I have made, but at the same time, sad that it's been 4 years and I still can't wear them.

On top of my one on one session with my trainer, I also attend 3 of her classes during the week. I can't help but notice I'm always the fattest girl in those classes. It is sad, that even though I have lost sooo much weight over the years, I'm still the fattest one around. When will I ever stop being the fat one? When will I ever stop being fat? I can't help but feel that no matter how hard I try, it is pointless. God wants me to be this way, and nothing I do is ever going to change that. =(

I can't believe she is wearing that!

2011-06-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been out and noticed an extremely fat person wearing leggings, a tight t-shirt, and spandex? I have, and I always wondered to myself what is she thinking? I have a mix of repulsion and admiration. Repulsion because I can't believe she would be so stupid as to wear something so unflattering. Admiration because she had the balls to wear it.

At the end of last summer, I was out shopping and saw a ton of swimsuits marked down really low. So, I stocked up on bikini bottoms and tops. This summer, the first time I went out in public wearing the bikini tops (I still wear shorts over my bottoms), I was acutely self-conscious. I felt like I was back in middle school where I was convinced that everyone was stopping and staring at me as I passed them by. But you know, forcing myself to go out and wear my bikini top or tight yoga pants has actually been liberating and great for my confidence.

No one, so far, as stopped and made rude comments. No one seems to give me a disgusted look. And, the more I wear these clothes, each time I feel a little better about myself.

You know me - I am all about wearing what looks flattering on you, but you know what - you can wear clothes that look okay on you that you normally wouldn't wear.

I think it is important to STOP thinking about what other people might think about you or if you will look foolish and START doing what you want to do.

I was invited to one of the fanciest gyms in the city by my personal trainer yesterday. They happen to have a huge water slide. Unfortunately, it wasn't open yet for the summer and I so wanted at least one trip down. =) But, my point is, you shouldn't restrict yourself from doing things because you are afraid. I know way too many people who would never go down the slide because they would be too embarrassed. STOP THAT. You only live once, so you should enjoy yourself.

And, people who can truly enjoy themselves are much more attractive to other people.

Second Most Important Thing For Finding a Partner and Love

2011-06-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

Your mental health.

People look for confidence, good self-esteem, none depressing, over-all positive person.

Firstly, because all this stuff affects how attractive you look or not. And, the first thing anyone cares about is how you look.

Secondly, because no one wants to be around a mental case. No one wants to be your parent and everyone wants to be around someone who is fun to be around.

So, work on improving these things. Go see a counselor if you need to or get on meds.

Fake it till you make it. Or, just fake it. Leave those innermost painful thoughts to yourself. Lock them behind a brick door and throw the key away. If you get in a good relationship, chances are, these problems will slowly disappear.

It's funny how people always say no one will love you if you don't love yourself first. I call bull shit. I think it is hella hard to love yourself when no one else does.

-Dress the way you want to dress and don't care about what other people think.

-Do what you want to do and don't care about what other people think.

-Always think positively. Smile. Have fun.

-Don't think about what you can't change. Focus on what you can.

-Don't focus on your negatives, but focus on your positives when you are around people.

-Be a doer. Don't sit around waiting for other people or for some magic to come along and fix your problems.

-Surround yourself with positives. Throw out stressful stuff. Work one by one to get those negative things out of your life.

-Try to do at least one fun thing every day. Think of it like this, if someone asks you want you did the previous day, make sure you always have something interesting to tell them. Never have "nothing" as your answer.

Remember, you are in control. Take control. If there are things in your life that you don't like - actively work to remove or change those things.

Top 10: Anime and Manga List

2011-06-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

Changing gears to something a little more fun, I decided to post some Top 10: Anime and Manga lists. So, why anime and manga? Easy, the stories are amazingly good. Sure, it's animated but the stories are really engrossing. If you would produce the stories in live action, you would have top rated television hits. People see animation and think kids - and while most anime and manga are targeted towards children - that is Japanese children, not American children. Unlike American cartoons that are nonsensical and mind numbing, Japanese cartoons are well thought out stories often containing moral problems and issues.

If you goggle up top ten anime lists, you will find tons out there. Some I think are pretty good, others not so much. The biggest problem being that people let their own person preferences get in the way. I'm no different, but I'm going to try to be at least somewhat objective.

Top 10 Anime:

10) His and Her Circumstances

Despite that it is no longer a new anime, rarely will you find an anime fan who hasn't heard of or seen His and Her Circumstances. Most are in agreement that it is a highly entertaining show.

09) Card Captor Sakura

I had to give props out to CLAMP who is famous in the manga world for creating some of the most stellar series. Some of their newest serious are much more popular at the moment, but CCS (Card Captor Sakura) has stood the test of time. It is so popular, in fact, that it's main characters were transferred over to be main characters in a second, totally different, anime/manga series - Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle.

08) Death Note

Death Note is a newer series but pops up on everyone's recommendation list. After watching it for myself, I'm pretty sure this series is going to stand the test of time.

07) Mobile Suit Gundam

The robot show, the Mobile Suit Gundam series has tons of different versions floating around, a testament to how popular the show really is.

06) Ranma 1/2 (Inu Yasha)

Who hasn't heard of Ranma 1/2 or the newer Inu Yasha? Rumiko Takahashi is a master at creating good stories which you can see in how popular her series are.

05) Cowboy Bebop

Another older series, but one that still tops the charts of people's hearts.

04) Rurouni Kenshin

Rurouni Kenshin is one of my personal favorites and when you watch it, it's not hard to see why. I have never met a person who doesn't enjoy this series.

03) Neon Genesis Evangelion

Love it or hate it, all fans (and even some who are not) have heard of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

02) Sailor Moon

A series which started it all for the magical girl genre. It is a gateway anime for new fans and a series that everyone has heard about.

01) DragonBall

DragonBall is pretty much the boy equivalent of Sailor Moon. Like Sailor Moon, it was one of the first super long series. Years later, the franchise is still going strong.

You might have noticed a lack of series like Bleach and Naruto on my list. The reason I don't list them is simply because I think they are too long to actually be considered the best. Yes, they are enjoyable, but I see too many people losing interest because the series start to just drag. The stories seem to be more about making money than actually telling a well written story. The stories don't end, so they continue to garner attention, but once the story is put to bed, how long will it remain popular? That is the real test.

Top 10 Shoujo Manga:

10) Itazura Na Kiss
09) Kare Kano: His and Her Circumstances
08) Nana
07) Fushigi Yuugi
06) The Wallflower
05) Peach Girl
04) Ouran High School Host Club
03) Hana Kimi: For You in Full Blossom
02) Fruits Basket
01) Boys Over Flowers

Top 10 Shounen Manga:

10) Ah! My Goddess
09) Dragon Ball
08) Ranma 1/2
07) Inu Yasha
06) Berserk
05) Full Metal Alchemist
04) One Piece
03) Naruto
02) Bleach
01) Rurouni Kenshin

I ended up splitting the list between shoujo and shounen works because I didn't feel it was fair to combine the two. These lists are really hard because there are so many great manga out there. These are not even my person picks. Further down, you can see some series that I recommend and really like.

Top 10 Anime Movies:

10) Perfect Blue
09) The Girl Who Leapt Through Time
08) The Cat Returns
07) Castle in the Sky
06) Graves of the Fireflies
05) Vampire Hunter D
04) Ghost in the Shell
03) Princess Mononoke
02) Spirited Away
01) Akira

Top 10 Openings/Closing Songs:

10) Outlaw Star TV Opening - Through the Night
9) Mobile Suit Gundam Wing TV Opening - Just Communication
8) Serial Experiments Lain Opening - Duvet
7) Revolutionary Girl Utena Opening - Rinbu-Revolution
6) Fushigi Yuugi TV Opening - Itooshii Hito no Tama ni
5) Ghost in the Shell TV Opening 2 - Rise
4) Ghost in The Shell TV Opening 1 - Inner Universe
3) Record of Lodoss War TV Opening - Kiseki no Umi
2) Magic Knight Rayearth Opening - Yuru Ranai Negai
1) Neon Genesis Evangelion Opening - Zaankoku na Tenshi no Thesis

Top 10 Anime Soundtracks:

10) Outlaw Star
09) Revolutionary Girl Utena
08) Codename Geass
07) Earth Girl Arjuna
06) Macross
05) Vampire Princess Miyu
04) Record of Lodoss War
03) Vision of Escaflowne
02) Last Exile
01) Ghost in the Shell

Other Anime/Manga you should check out:

Anime:
Samurai Deeper Kyo
Vision of Escaflowne
X/1999
Magic Knight Rayearth
Outlaw Star
Lost Universe
Slayers
Fushigi Yuugi
Ayashi no Ceres
Serial Experiments Lain
Haibane Renmei
Knight Hunters (Weiss Kruez)
Vampire Princess Miyu
Saiyuki
Last Exile
A little Snow Fairy Sugar
Peach Girl
Saber Marionette
Marmalade Boy
Super Gals
Petite Princess Yucie
Strawberry Marshmallow
Pretear
Child's Toy
Hana Yori Dango
Record of Lodoss War
Fruits Basket
Ouran High School Host Club
Nana
Revolutionary Girl Utena
Ah! My Goddess
The Wallflower
Itazura Na Kiss
Clannad
Codename Geass

Manga:
Ayashi no Ceres
Fushigi Yuugi
Imadoki
Sensual Phrase
Haou Airen
Love Celeb
Red River
Samurai Deeper Kyo
Gals!
Wild Act
Happy Hussle High
Angel Sanctuary
The Devil Does Exist
Kodocha
Mars
Merupuri
Instant Teen: Just Add Nuts!
Pretear
Vampire Princess Miyu
Marmalade Boy
Never Give Up!
Pita-Ten
Kamichama Karen
Fruits Basket
Love Monster
Binetsu Shoujo
BxB Brothers
Milk Crown
Parfait Tic
Tokyo Crazy Paradise
Hot Blooded Woman
Alice Academy
Flame of Recca
Good Morning Call
Hot Gimmick
Kare First Love
Nadeshiko Club
W Juliet

Random Ramblings

2011-06-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, it was pretty much a mess. The day started out okay - minus the fact that I had been woken up about tens time by either my Grandma or Mom yelling. I went to the gym, had a fantastic workout, and came home to everything apparently normal. Not so.

My Aunt came to get my Grandma for the day and night. My mom was in tears and I didn't know what was going on. Apparently, they claim, to have given Grandma some new medicine that caused her to go crazy (more than normal) all last night and Mom didn't get a wink of sleep. She was stressed and tired. Grandma is apparently complaining to everyone that Mom isn't taking good care of her and Mom thinks everyone believes her and is blaming Mom.

Grandma went to sleep (finally) around 9:00 in the morning and so Mom crawled into bed to get some sleep too. I left and then later my bother and Dad left to go walking. Before they left, Dad closed the bedroom door so mom could rest undisturbed, and so Mom didn't hear when Grandma woke up. She found her sitting up in bed, with her diaper pulled off, sitting in a pool of urine. My mom was really upset finding her that way, blames herself, and was pissed that the door was closed so she didn't hear Grandma.

I, on the other hand, am pissed off that my Mom is blaming herself and killing herself over this. So what if Grandma was sitting in a pool of urine. You can't stop all that type of stuff. She wasn't hurt by it. And, damn it, you need to sleep too. You can't stay up 24 hours a day and not eat.

Anyways, once my Aunt got Grandma out of the house, I forced Mom to go to bed and started cleaning everything up. But when I started vacuuming, by brother came out and started yelling at me because it would wake Mom up. It wouldn't and the floor needed to be vacuumed. If I didn't do it now, Mom just would have done it later. (She vacuums at night when we are all sleeping anyways so fair is fair.) We ended up fighting and waking Mom up. I was pretty pissed the whole day but finished cleaning everything and doing all the laundry. What pisses me off is that I don't see my brother lifting a finger to help in this situation but yet I spent all of yesterday doing house work.

And the crappiest part of everything is that I'm really starting to reset my Grandma in all this. Last night, as I was going to bed, I realized that I couldn't really think of any good memories of my Grandma, all I could think of is all this bad memories of her sickly, in pain, and a pain in our butt.

The lady wants to die, she is in constant pain, her family is giving up their life for hers, and it is costing the government hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical care for someone who is NOT going to get better. Any other living being we would accord them the decency to put them out of their suffering, but humans, we prolong it. Doesn't make sense to me and I think anyone who has actually cared for a dying person, in pain, would agree with me. The thing is, most people never see it first hand.

___________________

I am kind of obsessed with cheer-leading and sorority life. When I was in high school, I wanted to be in pep squad or a cheer leader. I never was because I was too fat and never thought I would be accepted. When I went to college, I never even considered joining a sorority for the same reason. No one would take me because I was too fat.

Looking back, I regret at least not even trying. The outcome would have been the same, but at least I would have tried. But, looking at me now, I realize that I *am* that type of girl - only trapped in a fat body that prohibits me from joining in.

So, I enjoy watching sorority type movies and shows. Greek is actually pretty entertaining. Looking for something to watch, I ran into a show called Sorority Forever. It is an online show, each episode lasting 2 to 4 minutes. I enjoyed it, even if I'm a little confused by it.

_______________________

Needed something to do while I fold clothes, I decided to looking up some new anime to watch. Yes, I enjoy anime. I've been watching Codename Geass and Nana. Codename Geass has been recommended by many people and I can see why. I'm really enjoying it.

Nana, I have a love-hate relationship with. It is well written, but a little too realistic for my tastes - read depressing. My life has enough depression in it. When I watch tv, I want something uplifting.

_____________________

I must have slept on my ear wrong last night because it is killing me as I type this. It feels like an ear ache. Ouch ouch ouch. So, I didn't wake this morning with a head ache, like I normally do. No, this morning it is an ear ache. Can I never get a break? =/

Weight Loss & Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss Edition

2011-06-03T08:22:00.000-05:00

I don't watch a lot of TV. I think it is kind of a waste of time. There are other things I could be doing. Cleaning the house, running errands, meditating, getting some me time in, exercising, fixing healthy food, hiking, going to a movie, going bowling, hanging out with other people - whatever. I just feel that TV is a time sink with no redeeming features.

But, when I am in the gym, I watch whatever is on the TVs in the workout rooms. I kept seeing commercials for Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss Edition where they follow the weight loss journey of a morbidly obese person over a year. What really stood out is that these people are specifically picked for being bigger than the biggest people on the Biggest Loser.

So, I made sure to watch it because it caught my attention. I got to say, I was pretty disappointed. The girl in the first episode missed 2 over her three goals and still got her reward. I would have given her the 2nd missed goal because she was only off by 5 pounds. The goals was to lose 50 pounds in 3 months and she lost 45. So that is still really excellent. But her third goal, to lose another 50 pounds in 3 months - she didn't even come close. She only lost 3 pounds! That is terrible. I really don't think she should have been given her reward which was surgery to get rid of the hanging skin. I would have made her wait until she lost more weight.

It seems to me that she just gave up after the surgery. Her final weigh in was at 208. That is still pretty darn big. I get that she lost 161 pounds in a year - which is no small thing, but I, in no way, feel that she is done with her journey. However, the totally attitude I got from her, in the end, what she was happy with were she was and had no plans to continue forward.

I blame my parents that I am fat!

2011-06-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

It is funny how, the only time in my life where I ever came close to losing weight and being happy is when I moved out and lived on my own. Then, when tragedy struck, and I was forced to move back home, the weight loss stop and I even managed to gain a little weight back?

It doesn't take a genius to realize that the way my folks live is the reason I am fat. It is the reason they are fat. It is the reason they are so unhappy and stressed in their lives. Because of the way *they* choose to live.

Don't get me wrong; I love my parents and they love me. They are good people, but they live crappy lives.

There is no set eating times. You just eat when you are hungry. If someone else goes to get food for themselves or cooking something - they will usually cook extra for the other people in the house. So, even if you have already eaten, you will probably eat some more.

We eat out all the time, fast food mainly. This food is bad bad bad and I hate how we eat it at least once a day.

If we do fix food, it is bad unhealthy food.

We bring in tons of junk food. No matter how much I ask that we limit the junk food, they just won't. If you must have a bag of chips in the house, so be it, but do you really need 4 bags of different chips?

The food is left out in plain sight. Out of sight, out of mind. But if you just happen to walk through the kitchen and see something that looks good - it is really really hard to pass it up.

The house is a mess. As I said before, I clean house leads to less stress. Less stress means you eat less. Also, stress can hamper your weight loss.

They are not active. I'm not even talking about exercise. I mean they are recluses. They do nothing. To maintain health and your weight you need to both eat well and be active. I hate the fact that my parents poo-poo on everything I want to try or do. My personal trainer is into kick boxing, something I have never done. So, I said I would give it a try, it might be fun. My mom, when I told her, made her ugly frowning face and said, that doesn't sound like fun at all. I mean, would it have killed her to be at least a little supportive.

And lastly, they just don't care. I hate to say it, but there are a ton of fat people out there who just don't care that they are fat or overweight. My family is one of them. If you are not around people who care, you will never be able to succeed.

It makes me sad how much my parents just didn't care. I'm not saying I wanted my parents to be fanatical about it, but supportive and being active in helping me lose the weight as a child would have been nice. I don't know how many times I came home crying because I was too fat to find any clothes to fit me. Or how much I hated being ugly. Or how much I hated not getting any attention from guys.

I hate that my parents didn't sign me up for classes to help me loss the weight when I very much wanted too. I hate that they didn't bring in better food into the house instead of pizza, soda, and candy. I hate that they didn't encourage me to be more active to try to slim up. I hate they they pretty much doomed me to a live of misery and solitude.

When it Rains it Pours

2011-06-01T09:07:00.000-05:00

When it rains, it fucking pours. Ever notice that? The logical part of my brain always said it just seemed like that because when things are going bad we tend to take things harder than we normally would. That, and we tend to be more flustered which makes us make more mistakes which, in turn, leads to more rain.

But, I'm really starting to doubt my logical side. It just always seems that when something starts to go wrong, it can never end with that one thing. That a million other little things need to go wrong too. It's not even that those little things are that big a deal, but when you get hit with them all at once, it becomes overwhelming.

My battlenet account was hacked. I have no idea how. I haven't touched it in months. I got an email about a month ago saying there was suspicious activity - which I ignored because a lot of those emails are hacks. Then, yesterday, I got an email saying my credit card had been decline to renew the subscription. Ah, now I know something is up. So, I try to log in and can't. So, I go through the process of changing the password. I get in to find my account has been ban. Yep, hacked.

So, now I have to scan my computer for viruses and stuff. Then change all fifty billion of my passwords. Then, I need to try and see if I can't get my account unbanned.

Add to that all the other stuff. Wanting to move out and get a job, a desire made worse by my Grandma being here and the house being changed into a hospital. I wake up every day now early (because her moaning wakes me) and with a slight headache. It is just the total stress of the situation. Being woken several times during the night because Grandma is yelling doesn't help either.

I don't feel like I'm losing any weight. It is hard to get a good work out when you have a million other things to do and, on top of that, you are not feeling the greatest to start with. But, it isn't really the exercise that is my problem. It is the food. We have so much junk food in the house that it is impossible for me to stay good. The good news is, I usually catch myself about 3 days in when I start slipping and reinvigorate myself.

There was a guy interested in me, online only and hasn't seen my picture, but he has disappeared. He had a run of bad luck and is bailing from the dating scene for a while. Just my luck, right? But, it just goes to show it isn't my personality that is my shortcoming. It is my looks. Which is why I really need to buckle down and work on improving them.

All in all, I remember not more than 2 weeks ago sitting around being bored with nothing to do. Now, I have more things than I can handle. I always wonder why life can't be more evenly spread out. Maybe it is my own fault. Maybe there are things you can do to help prevent it. I think the key is being organized, don't procrastinate, and being proactive (OPP =P). When you see something is going to be an issue, don't wait until it becomes an issue, take care of it now.

Self Esteem

2011-05-31T08:47:00.000-05:00

For the record, someone pointing out a negative feature about themselves DOES NOT mean they have low self esteem. I know I'm ugly - that doesn't mean I have low self esteem, that just means I'm ugly and I'm truthful about it. I also know that I have many other great qualities. But no one hears that after you say you are ugly. =/

Guys have always said how unattractive it is when a girl is always saying she is ugly, or fat, or asking if she looks good enough. I never really got it until I went out on a date who was *that* girl. He was always talking about how he wanted to lose weight. How he didn't like his body and wasn't confident in it when he was naked and stuff.

Okay, so, if he had mentioned any of these things ONCE I would have been fine with it. But the fact that he mentioned it over and over and over again was really killing the attraction and making him start to appear Unattractive.

Yes, he was chubby. So, when he mentioned losing the weight, I was understanding. But, please don't harp on it. For the record, I thought he looked fine and actually liked his body the way it was. Had he lost weight, I probably would have been less attracted to his body because I actually like guys on the husky side.

So, that was the moment it clicked with me. Don't, never, every mention anything about being ugly or not liking your body. If you are losing weight (don't say trying, you either are or you are not) mention it once and drop it. Your weight loss journey should be something you share with your weight loss partner/friends. Not your lover.

It all goes back to the fake it til you make it. Even if you don't think you are pretty, pretend you think you are. It will make you MORE attractive.

Just Do It!

2011-05-30T10:53:00.000-05:00

I just realized that whenever I start posting on this blog, my life seems to be in disarray. When I started posting again, a week or so ago, everything was actually going pretty well but then things started going down hill again. Is this blog cursed or something?

Things are so totally stressful for me right now. With my grandmother coming home from the hospital only to be dumped on use for full time 24 hour care, with no help, it is impossible. I see my own mother killing herself for her mother and I hate it. It has only been 3 days. 3 DAYS!! How can someone do this for years!? My mom has only gotten like 6 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours.

Yesterday, I went to the gym to get some exercise in and only stayed about 45 minutes. I couldn't get into it and was so aggravated. By the time I came home I was totally pissed. I just wanted to stomp and scream and punch and break something.

And, in all that something clicked. I thought about the confidence thing I had been talking about and about myself. How, I always have ideas to make things better but they never get done because I'm always sitting around waiting for someone's permission before I do it. And, no one ever gives permission because either they don't care or they procrastinate. That is one thing that drives me nuts about my family - they always say they will do something and never do it.

So, I thought, screw it. I'm not a little girl, I'm not a woman-child, I'm a 31 year old woman. I don't NEED anyone's permission to do something. I just need to go out and do it. Because if I don't, no one else will and that will just make me miserable.

So, I went out to Walmart and purchased a lot of stuff to organize (Grandma's stuff) around the house. Then I came home and started cleaning and organizing the way the house should have been from the start.

I pretty much am taking a "Ask for forgiveness" rather than "Ask for permission" approach. And I want to switch my whole mentality to that. That is what confidence is. And, as you get more and more confident, you will learn that you are "asking for forgiveness" a whole lot less than you thought you would.

So, stop sitting around waiting for permission. Take charge and just do it! The amount of freedom you will find will be amazing.

Health for Beauty sake or Health sake?

2011-05-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

Let's pause for a moment.

Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to be healthier? Why do you want to be more beautiful?

Almost everyone will tell you that the ONLY reason should be: for yourself. And, that any reason outside of that one will only lead to failure.

Bull shit.

It doesn't matter why or what motivates you as long as it motivates you.

I often query - Why do I want to be able to be more active if I have no one to be active with? I sure as heck don't want to scale a mountain or go hiking by myself. That defeats half the pleasure. Most of my family is very unhealthy. At my unhealthiest, I could still run circles around them. Now, they don't even like to do something as simple as take a stroll around the neighborhood with me because I "walk too fast" and they "hold me back". It is almost painful walking with them because they are so slow and I don't even walk fast. Most people walk faster than I do.

I often query - Why do I want to be healthy to live a long life if I am just going to be alone? I'm 31 right now. My life expectancy is around 95. The idea of spending the next 64 years by myself is debilitating. My life sucks as it is but as least I still have my folks and bother. But, I don't imagine they will be around any more that 20 more years. After that, that leaves me 44 years (almost half a century) to live with no one. It is a terrifying prospect and one I simply have no desire for.

No, I'm sorry, but getting healthier and losing weight "for myself" has no appeal to me. However, doing it in hopes for finding a man does. And, if I have a happy future in store for me - doing it to prolong that happy future makes tons of sense.

My parents were 50 when they started falling apart. I thought they were way too young to be falling apart like that. But, some researched showed that 50 is usually about when it starts to happen for Americans. @@ really?!

So here I was at 20 and surrounded by a bunch of adults in their 50's talking about nothing but doctors, medication, and health concerns. It was depressing and boring. It didn't take long for that to motivate me to work on my health. I didn't want to be 50 and taking 30 pills a day (I kid you not with the amount of medicine these people take).

But, I really had no desire to prolong my life if I'm destined to only get out of it loneliness. If I find I can't lose the weight and catch a man - I'll probably just revert. When I get sick, I'll refuse to take medication, and hopefully I'll pass away before too long.

But speaking for health and prolonging life - with the baby boomers coming of age I just don't know what we are going to do. Today, we prolong life needlessly AND longer than ever.

My grandmother is 85 and so sick she can not do anything for herself. Her children are giving up their life to take care of hers. She cannot walk. She has a catheter and wears a diaper. One of her children has to wipe her butt and change her like you would a baby. She can not feed herself - they have to feed her like a baby. The have to remind her to chew and shallow. Most of the time, she refuses to eat to the point were she is always starving herself. She needs someone to watch her 24/7. She is delirious and sometimes gets violent by cursing, yelling, and throwing things. She has a pick line in which she has already pulled out once, and tried a second time. That is why someone needs to watch her 24/7.

She is always moaning or shouting out in pain. Sometimes it gets so bad she begs to die. "Please, just let me die. Please, just take a gun and shoot me." If this was 50 years ago, she would have been dead a long time ago. If she was anything but human, we would have put her out of her misery. We are spending hundred of thousands of dollars on her alone (or rather the government is) for someone who is never going to get better. And for what? So her children can give up the next 5 years of their life so she can live as a baby and in pain for another 5 years?

And my parents, aunts, and uncles, ARE giving up their lives for her. In the past 72 hours, my mother has gotten about 10 hours of sleep. She is not only not getting sleep, she is not bathing, she is not eating, she is not resting, she is not doing anything for herself because she is too busy doing those things for her mother.

And, I'm going to be a little selfish here, but I have lost my own mother in the possess. I know my mother is no longer around if I need her. I can't count on her for anything anymore. So, I pretty much pretend she is dead. That way, I won't subconsciously think - "Mom and me..." and be disappointed.

I am currently living with my parents and I help out were I can. I've taken over a lot of the household chores because my mother no longer has time for them. She can't cook anything other than for grandma. So, I try to cook for my own mother. She doesn't have energy or time to do dishes or clean. The only laundry she does is when Grandma throws up or poops on her night gown.

I have to constantly remind my own mom to go to sleep or to eat. Yesterday, it was 3:00 and she still hadn't eaten. At 2:00, I offered to make her something and she refused. At 3:00, she started making soup. During making the soup, she got pulled away to help with Grandma. At 3:30 she returned to the soup to pour it into a bowl. She took two bites when my Aunt asked if the dog needed water. My mom jumped up to go put water in the bowl outside. She then proceeds to water all the plants. At, 4:00, I go outside to yell at her to stop watering the plants and EAT HER FOOD. She, finally finished it all. An hour later she went to bed to get some sleep.

I have no problem taking care of my parents as they age. I grew up with my other grandmother living with us. She was healthy, and functioning. She could feed herself, go to the bathroom by herself, and bath herself. I didn't even mind it when my Grandma needed a little extra help. I didn't mind prepping food for her and making sure she took all her meds.

But, this point, this point is extreme. I am very honest and open with my folks that if/when they get to this point I am not going to give up my live for theirs. I am not going to remove all my furniture from my living room and turn it into a hospital bedroom. I am not a medical professional, nor do I have the disposition to be one. Needles and blood make my faintish. I am not going to have them in my house on an IV and catheter. I am not going to have people parade into my house 24 hours a day to take care of you. My house in my home, it is not a public place. I want to be able to come out of my bedroom in my PJs and not be worried that some stranger is in the living room watching you.

I don't want you crapping in a little bucket in my living room. I don't want you running naked around the house. I don't want to spend the whole night listening to you moaning in pain. I don't want to give up my life for yours and, if you realized what was going on, I don't think you would want me too either.

Confidence

2011-05-28T18:26:00.000-05:00

Outside of your physical appearance, there are a few other things that can increase your appearance that are not actually physical. One of those things is confidence. I'm not really sure I can explain it, but a person who is confident is going to appear more attractive than someone who is not.

Confidence and self esteem are closely related but I don't want you to make the mistake of assuming they are the same thing. You can be high in one and low in the other.

Confidence is something you are either born with or not. As time passes, events and people will either increase your confidence or decrease it. The great thing is that confidence is not static. You can work to change it.

I was born with no confidence and just always failing at things and being bullied has really destroyed what little I had. It took me awhile to realize I didn't have any confidence. My nature to try new things, regardless of if I think I will succeed or fail, masked my lack of confidence.

Fake it until you make it.

If you don't have confidence, about the only thing you can do is fake it until you make it. Pretend you are very confidence even if you are not. The theory is, you are more likely to succeed if you think you will. And, if you always tell yourself you can do it, pretty soon you will be doing it and you will slowly just become this confident person.

Now, the only problem I have encountered with this is that it doesn't work too well if you always fail. =(

But, I still highly suggest you fake your confidence until you make it. Never talk bad about yourself and use positive language. Never say you can't. Do say you will try or you can.

When it comes to your looks, even if you think you are the ugliest thing, even if you are the ugliest thing, even if you think the guy will run at first sight... go into each date, meeting, smile, or conversation pretending that you are the hottest thing around and anyone would give a million bucks for a shot with you.

First Month with a Personal Trainer

2011-05-27T18:28:00.000-05:00

After going at it hard for 3 years, my weight loss has stopped - for the past year. The first 2 years, I managed to loss 70 pounds on my own. This past year - nothing. So, when I was gifted with a gym membership, I decided to shell out for a personal trainer (isn't cheap). I decided I would give it a go for 3 months and see what kind of results (if any) I got. If I don't like what I see, I'll stop with the personal trainer. But, by golly, I sure hope it works because this is my second to last resort before I turn to weight loss surgery. I've pretty much tried everything else with no luck.

Well, my first month is up and sadly, I don't notice much of any difference. My upper body strength has improved - but as far as losing weight (or just slimming down) - I don't see it.

I received a random magazine in the mail - The Pyramid Collection. Never heard of it but it has awesome clothes, right up my ally. I found a super cute dress that I really really want. I have decided to use it for a weight loss goal reward. I'm not sure what my goal will be, but I really want to reach it. =P I'm going to see my trainer today and I'm going to ask her to up the ante since I want that dress.

Feel Better About Your Life

2011-05-26T08:19:00.000-05:00

The most important thing in attracting a mate is your looks. You have to look good, but here is the thing - your physical appearance isn't the only think that affects your looks. Your attitude, your confidence, and how you carry yourself plays a part.

There are many internal factors that play into your level of each of these things, but there are a lot of external factors as well. Below is a list of external factors that you can work on to help improve your attitude and confidence.

Have a Clean House

Have you ever walked in a a model home and thought: how nice, how calming? Our house, our home, is our sanctuary away from all the hardships of life. We want it to be a haven of comfort and stress-free. If we are surrounded by stressers in our home, it will make us more stressed than we need to be. The dishes need to be done, the bedroom is a mess, there is a leak in the kitchen. Reorganize your home, clean it up, and make it a nice place to live.

De-clutter and Throw Away

We live in a pack rat society. We horde, we collect. It is junk that adds weight to your life that you don't need. As you go through your home to clean it up - don't forget to throw out stuff you don't need. Clothes that you never wear, too big, or too small? Get rid of. If you haven't used something in the past year - toss it. You should only have that, in your home, which you use. If you are not using it - you don't need it in your home.

Being Organized

People who are on top of their game and organized are much more attractive. They appear smart, calm, and in control. People who are a mess, disorganized, late, stressed, or harried appear stupid, lazy, and as slobs. Not to mention you will reduce your stress if you are not always doing things last minute.

Go Out; Do Things

An object in motion will stay in motion. An object at rest will stay at rest. A lot of people are so stressed and tired that they spend all their free time lounging on the couch. It might take you a little effort to make yourself get up and get out, but once you are there you will feel much better than if you had stayed in. Getting out will make you happier and provide nice memories. And, of course, an active person is more attractive than a couch potato.

Do Something You Always Wanted To

Pick out something you always wanted to do or try and do it. Skydiving? Learning to decorate cakes? Learning a language? Whatever it is, go out and sign up for a group or class to start trying it out. Life is too short to always be saying - someday.

Exercise

You will probably hate it, but you will love how you feel after your work out. You will feel proud you did it. Also, exercise is a form of getting out and making you seem like a more active and appealing person. So, if you are not, start spending 30 minutes, 3 times a day exercising.

Eat Right

Again, start making a few healthier choices. You will feel better for having made them and, you will actually start feeling a little better. Some foods don't agree with us, stuffing ourselves till we are full doesn't feel good, and limiting grease and fat gives us more energy.

Spend Money Wisely

Money is one of the biggest causes of stress. Eliminate money problems and you eliminate a lot of stress. Don't spend money you don't have. Use credit cards like debit cards. If you have debt, focus on paying it off. Save your money rather than spending it. Limit yourself to necessities. Fix you own meals and limit eating out.

Smile and Do Something Nice

Always go around with a smile. Try to do at least one nice thing for a person each day. It can be as simple as giving a compliment. You would be surprised what you might get back.

Pamper Yourself

We all live busy lives and it seems we never have enough time in the day. But you need to absolutely make sure that you take at least 15 minutes just for yourself each day. Make sure you do something nice for yourself at least once a week.

Pick a Theme Color

When I was younger, I always thought it would be cool to live my life to theme music. Well, short of hiring someone to follow you around with a boom box, that isn't going to happen. What you can do, is pick a theme color. A color that matches you personality and makes you happy. Right now, mine is Hot Pink. I use my theme color to tie things in my life together and, as a result, my life seems more in control and together. Need to buy a new shirt - pick pink. Need a water mug for the gym - pick pink. Need a microfiber wipe for my glasses - go with the pink one. Get the picture?

5 Ways to Feel Sexier

2011-05-25T08:21:00.000-05:00

To put it bluntly, if you want to find love you gotta look good. Physical appearance is the number one thing anyone cares about when they are evaluating you as a prospective partner. Sure, if you have the personality of a brick, you are not going to last long in that relationship but if you look like a troll, you are not even going to be given a chance at a relationship.

So, if you want love, the best things you can do is improve your looks are:

1) Losing Weight
2) Dressing Up
3) Skin Care
4) Hair Care
5) Make Up and Nails
6) Accessorizing

Here is the rub, it takes time. You can't transform yourself from dud to stud or dab to fab overnight. We are talking years (depending on your weight) not weeks. Unless you are loaded, I doubt you are going to be able to replace your wardrobe and shell out all the money that beauty care and products cost.

Whenever you start to get discouraged, I always remind myself *why* I am doing it. I'm doing it so I have a chance at love, a husband, children, a family, and so I don't die alone. Believe it or not, as much as they hurt, all the fatphobic and anti-fat comments plastered on the web help. They make me so mad, sad, and determined. Determined to prove people wrong and beat the odds.

No doubt, on your own personal journey, you will have good and bad days. You will have days when you wake up and feel fabulous. You won't believe how much progress you had made and you will be so proud of yourself. You will also have days where you will wonder why you even bother. You will wonder why you even try. As you look in the mirror, you will see the reflection of a creature so hideous that no amount of effort, time, and money could possible help.

It is to those days that I want to offer 5 ways to help you feel better and more sexy.

1)Wear Sexy Underwear

You would be amazed how much more confidence, pleasure, and just plain better you will feel about yourself when you wear some sexy lingerie. Even if no one is going to see it, *you* know you have it on.

2)Dress Up in your Prettiest Dress and Heels

Pull out your prettiest dress and sexiest heels and wear them for the day. Knowing you are rocking an awesome outfit goes a long way in making you feel like a rock star.

3)Stand up Straight and Smile

Walk around like you are the Queen of Sheba and everyone wants you. Smile like you are the sexier thing alive and you are besotting a precious gift on those around you by smiling their way.

4)Take a shower and give Yourself the Works

Give yourself a 20 minute facial and just zone out during it. Soak in a bubble bath, wash your hair, shave, and give yourself the works. Paint your nails and style your hair.

5) Have a Good Long Work Out

Besides being great for relieving stress, a good long work out can make you feel better. You might not enjoy the actual work out (many people do not) but you will always enjoy the feeling afterwards that you did something good for yourself. You will be pleased that you got in a work out, that you are improving your health, and improving your body. Also, a good sweet does wonders for your complexion.

Going After Love with Finishing Touches and Accessories!

2011-05-24T08:50:00.000-05:00

I figured since I am changing the direction of this blog, I might as well change the look too. The colors are a reflection of me, right now. I'm absolutely obsess with hot pinks right now with black, white, and silver/gray accents. When I was a little girl, hot pink was my favorite color and I suppose it is only fitting that I revert back to my roots as I rebuild myself.

I'm also a big fan of Disney, Winnie the Pooh in particular, but Tinker Bell has been growing on me of late. I suppose that is why I decided to put her on the blog. She is also used for my desktop image, has been for awhile, and I'm not inclined to change it. This is quite a shock since I tend to change my desktop monthly.

The last small change is my profile image. When I first created that picture, back in February of 2010, I intended it to be very sketchy. I decided as I healed, I would color more and more of it in to mirror the healing process. I took a look and decided it was time to color it in some. If you look, you can see it is far from complete (I am far from healed) but I think I am doing somewhat better now than I was over a year ago.

Pain is less sharp, the tears come less freely, and the idea that I might be able to change myself into the person I always dreamed of being lurks in the background. I'm not sure I am doing better or if I have just gotten use to living with a certain hopelessness but I do know I feel marginally better. And, that is enough reason to celebrate and continue forward.

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I'm going to finish off the ways to help improve your looks - to better attract a mate by talking about finishing touches and accessories.

We have:

-Loss Weight
-Dress Up
-Great Skin
-Managing Your Hair
-Make Up and Nails

Now we are going to pull it altogether with finishing touches.

There has always been a great debate between glasses and contacts. Despite what many will say, that boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses, I haven't really found anything to support that. Quite the opposite really, I have found that many boys are actually very turned on by a nice pair of glasses. So, I would suggest you make your decision based on what feels most comfortable to you. I've never had luck with contacts, having tried them for close to a year and never got use to wearing them. So I opt for glasses.

The type of glasses you get should match your face type. Take a while to research what styles will look best for you. Ask the people at the eye glass shop what they think. Make sure you take a camera and take pictures of all your glasses you try on. That way, you can see how each pair really looks on you.

If you are losing weight, chances are that you will lose weight in your face. As you do so, you might find that your old glasses are way too big for you. This happened to me, so I had to go out and purchase some new frames. It is important that your glasses are not only the right style for you, but that they are also the right size.

Lastly, it is important that you keep your glasses clean. Nothing can put a damper on a killer outfit by wearing dirty glasses with it.

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They say that the most beautiful thing a woman can wear is a smile. You should practice smiling all the time. Which leads to having a beautiful smile. If you happen to have bad teeth, you might want to look into getting them corrected. I have never heard of a person regretting spending the time and money to get their teeth corrected.

There are many teeth whiting kits out there. I suggest that every 6 months, or so, you purchase one to whiten and brighten your teeth. If you suffer from staining on your teeth, perhaps from caffeine, you can often scrap it off yourself with a metal nail file. You want to be careful you don't scratch your teeth, but the process is the same as when you get your teeth cleaned at the dentist.

Nothing is more of a turn off then bad breath. You should always be aware of foods you might eat which could cause a foul smell. Carring around some breath mints, to pop after lunch, can help with this.

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When dressing up, the most important things are not the outfit itself. It is the accessories that you have to go with it. Bad accessories can ruin an otherwise great outfit.

Shoes - I talked a little bit about shoes before but I can't overemphasizes the importance of wearing the right shoes with your outfit.

The other day, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a cute baby doll type blouse. At this point, I was looking good. I was dressed causally but it was still feminine. I then put on a pair of black boots with the outfit. I looked in the mirror and blanched. The shoes completely ruined the femininity of the outfit. I had gone from cute to frumpy - looking like all the other people out there who don't care about dressing up. I switched out the black boots for a pair of flat brown tone sandals. The difference was like night and day. The brown in the sandals brought out the brown in my blouse, because they were flats they were still comfortable, and the sandals maintained the feminine looks I was going for.

No one looks bad in heels. They will always make your outfit look better. The challenge is to find heels that you love.

Jewelry - I talked a little bit about finding your color for you skin tone. Part of that is finding out if you look best in silver or gold. Turns out, I look best in silver but all my jewelry was gold. So, I went out and purchased a few pieces of silver jewelry staples. I love James Avery. I still have all my old jewelry and wear the gold when it looks better with a particular outfit, but for the most part I'm always wearing silver. Find out which works best for you and stick with that.

Jewelry should be a reflection of your personality and enhance an outfit. Some like big matching costume jewelry while others like simple and understated. Go with what makes you feel the best.

Other Accessories - Bags, Belts, Hair Pieces, Tights

Much like jewelry, find what is a reflection of your personality and stick with it. Try several options with each outfit to find what looks the best. If you don't accessorize, give it a try. You might be surprised at the difference it makes in your outfit. Make sure your accessories actually go with your outfit. Coordinating everything makes you look put together. Mismatched makes you look like a slob.

Going After Love with Make Up and Great Nails!

2011-05-23T08:47:00.000-05:00

I purchased a shiny new pair of Nike Inspire shoes. My current tennis shoes are a pair of Reebok ReeTones. I actually really like the ReeTones but they are not good for balance and/or wearing them for long periods of time. You can really start to feel the burn. So, I decided I needed to get another pair of tennis shoes - ones which would provide better balance.

Original, my personal trainer suggested a pair of Reebok ZigTechs, but they were a little too pricy, didn't have the color I wanted, and honestly, didn't feel the greatest to me. So, I'm really hoping I'll like the Nike ones I purchased.

Oh, and by the by, you might have noticed that the Nike shoes are girls. Apparently kid shoes come up to a size Y7 (which is like a woman's 7 1/2), but at a faction of the cost. So, if you happen to have smaller feet, take a look at the kids shoes. You might find just what you want - only cheaper.

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Every woman, no matter what, will look better with make up on. I'm not talking about caking it on, but rather, just enough to enhance you natural beauty and conceal any imperfections. The best make up jobs are when you don't even realize the person is wearing make up.

Base and Concealer - This stuff helps cover up blemishes and even out your skin tone. If your skin is pretty clear, I'd limit wearing this stuff to formal occasions.

Powder - It also helps cover up blemishes, even outs your skins, and most important removes any shine. It isn't as powerful as a base but it is something that I think most women should get in the habit of using.

Eye Shadow - This can really make you eyes pop and, on formal occasions, add color to your face. If you wear glasses, you probably can skip eye shadow because unless you put it on dark, you won't really see it.

Eye Liner - Something to make your eyes pop, even if you wear glasses.

Mascara - Again, makes your lashes look longer and fuller. Since I wear glasses, I have to take it easy on the mascara or else my lashes will become too long and hit against the glasses.

Eye Brow Pencil - Great for adding shape to your eye brows. If you happen to make a mistake while plucking (or just have an odd shaped eye brow) this is great to mask any imperfections.

Blush - Used to give color to your face and cheeks.

Lip Liner - Great if you have smaller lips. It makes your lips a bit bigger and more defined.

Lipstick - If there is only one piece of make up you are going to wear - lipstick should be it. The color you pick really helps define your outfit and mood. If you wear glasses, since you eyes are a bit hidden, it is better to focus on your lips.

If you followed my advice about clothing and finding you coloring, you should be able to use that information to pick out make up shades that work best for you. You can also go to any make up counter in a mall for guidance.

You should pick out you best feature and play it up with make up. If it is your eyes, add color to them and go more neutral with you other make up (like your lips). Conversely, if you want to play up your lips, pick a daring color gloss and go with more neutral colors for your eyes.

You don't have to have full make up all the time. I usually pick which features are my best and only wear make-up for those features on a daily bases. In my case, I love my lips so I always wear lip stick. I also usually brush some powder on to remove any glare. On a date or more formal occasion, I'll put on more make up.

Nails - both finger and toes

Right now, the most popular nail care is done but not over done. Long fake nails and fancy press ons are considered tacky or too high maintenance for many men.

At the bare minimum, your nails should be clear, shaped, and buffed to a nice shine.

In reality, you should be adding some polish to make your nails look healthier. The best look is a french manicure, it is polished yet natural looking.

I would limit non-natural colors to fancy occasions where I want my nails to match my outfit. There are some insta-dry polishes and clear coats out on the market that work great. I would recommend everyone get at least the insta-dry clear coat polish so your nails dry faster.

If you have the money (or a special occasion is coming up) I suggest going to a salon and getting a soak-off gel french manicure. Soak-off gels are a new harder polish that will last at least 2 weeks without chipping. The gels don't come off with normal nail polish remover, you have to soak your nails in acetone and scrap off the polish (but it doesn't damage your nail). Since soak-off gels don't come off with nail polish, you can paint over your manicure with regular polish if you want your nails a different color for a day. You can then remove your polish to go back to your french manicure.

Don't forget your toes, make sure you keep them nice as well. I personally like a french manicure on my toes. I didn't like it at first but it really grew on me.

Scents:

If you don't already do it, I strongly suggest you start wearing some type of scent. They say younger people favor fruity smells and older people favor floral smells. Me? I split the difference and go for musks (Soft Musk is a favorite) or musky floral scents. The one exception is rose - I love smelling of rose (although even that is a bit on the musky side).

Don't over do it. Just a dab here and there is all you need. You don't need high dollar perfumes either - a cheaper body spray works just as well.

And one little last hint for scents is to try to match all your soaps, shampoos, lotions, and perfumes. Mixing too many different scents can really over power and create a bad combination.

Explore and find the scent that is right for you. It is a mix between what you think smells nice, what makes you feel beautiful, what smells good on you and meshes well with your natural body smell.

I love Bath and Body Works. I use their body spray, lotion, and hand soaps all the time. But their body wash? No way. After using it for a while I realized I didn't like the way it made my body smell. I switched to a plain and clean original Caress body wash. It made my body smell much better. So take notice of these little things and explore. Find the combination that works best for you.

Going After Love with Hair Care!

2011-05-22T10:01:00.000-05:00

I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well yesterday. I got in two hours at the gym and I'd managed to eat below my daily calorie allotment. Then 8:00 came around and my mom came home with some Chinese food and that little pound cake in the kitchen finally got the best of me. I ended up going way over. Close to 2000 calories and I'm so upset. I'll just have to, have to, have to, be good today. =(
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The three things I've talked about to improve your appearance (to win your fair one's heart) is:

1)Losing Weight
2)Dressing Up
3)Skin Care

The fourth thing I'm going to talk about is hair care and management.

Body Hair:

Hairless is in vogue now - less is more. One of the cheapest and easiest ways to a dramatic change to your appearance is to get your eyebrows shaped and thinned. I suggest you go to a professional and get them shaped the first time. Once you have them shaped, it is fairly easy to keep them plucked and groomed. I wouldn't go too thin, but thinning your eyebrows and getting a nice arch really ups your femininity.

Facial hair. Let's face it, it is something that no one wants to talk about but most ever woman suffers from. Upper lip, maybe on the chin? I suggest waxing or using a depilatory cream (made just for the face). Both helps eliminate hair being rough when growing back and lasts longer than other methods.

The problem with waxing is that you have to let the hair grow long enough first. This can be bothersome to have "stubble" as you wait until it is long enough. Depilatory creams never work for me. My skin is too sensitive and hair too course to work. The cream won't remove a lot of the hair and to leave it on long enough to do any good, my skin gets burned (becoming painful and red for days) when left on more than a few minutes. So that leaves shaving or plucking as options.

Rest of the body. I suggest, if you are not that hairy and/or your hair is fair and doesn't show up, that you leave it be. But, if you are like me who is pretty hairy and fair skinned with dark hair - it is pretty much mandatory that I remove the hair.

Arms - If you can see you arm hair, I suggest you remove it. I use a depilatory cream which works really well.

Stomach/nipples - If you have a stray hair or two, make sure you pluck or shave it off.

Legs - Goes without saying that you should be removing your leg hair. Your legs should always be in a state where you are ready to jump into a swim suit and go swimming.

Under Arms - Goes without saying that you should be removing the hair here.

Bikini Area - This is any area that shows outside of your underwear line. Any hair in this area should be shaved or waxed.

Top of Feet - I think this is an area that often gets overlooked but if you have hair here, you should be waxing or shaving it off.

There is permanent hair removal - Something that is pretty expensive and time consuming. I haven't done it yet (but would really like to get my face and arms done). If anyone has had this done and wants to comments about it, please do. So far, I have heard mixed reviews.

Your Hair Style:

You hair is one of the first things people notice about you so it is important that you have a fabulous do. Go to a hair dresser and ask them for advice for cuts and styles that look best for your face shape. Your cut should look styled while at the same time not being that high maintenance.

Guys love long hair. Short hair is associated with older ladies or guys. Look around and you will notice most older women have their hair cut very short. If you are looking to increase your attractiveness, I suggest growing your hair out and keeping it long. Only cut your hair short if the style looks fabulous on you.

Avoid wearing your hair up or in a pony tail unless you are working out. Fancy buns are okay for formal events if you have the bone structure to pull it off.
If you must wear your hair pulled back, leaving a few wisps of hair loose to softens the look.

Avoid damaging your hair with too much dye, perms, bleach, and hair drying.

Getting soft natural highlights can really make your hair pop.

Make sure you are using a shampoo and conditioner that is right for your hair type. Sometimes your hair grows accustomed to the shampoo you are using and you will notice that it isn't as nice after you wash it anymore. In that case, switch up you shampoo brands periodically. Hair usually doesn't need to be washed daily (that is usually bad for the hair) try washing your hair every other day.

Going After Love by having Great Skin!

2011-05-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

Good Morning Sunshines! Despite my hoping my icky headache would end yesterday, so I could hit the gym, it persisted throughout the day. =( I went to bed feeling nauseous but when I suddenly woke at 2:30, realized the headache was gone. I swear some evil force is working against me in my weight loss efforts. Nonetheless, I'm feeling pretty good today (despite a little wary from yesterday's 24 hour headache) so I should be able to hit the gym for a couple hours today.

And so...

In your quest to look fabulous to attract a mate to you, I've talked about how it is important you are not fat (because fat is ugly) and how important it is to dress sharply all the time (feel great, look great, get the attention). Now it is time to talk about skin care.

Have you ever felt a baby or young child's skin? If you have, you know it is very soft and smooth. As we age, conditions, weather, the sun, and time all take its toll on our skin. It stops being so smooth and healthy, transforming into rough and calloused. What you want to do is take care of your skin to transform it back to its baby status.

Starting with the Face:

Face skin care is the most important because your complexion is greatly going to play into how pretty you are or not. If you have never had a facial, I highly recommend it. They feel great, are great for your skin, and you will get your skin analyzed so they can give you suggestions for the best type of products to use for your skin type.

If you suffer from bad acne or skin problems, visit a dermatologist. There have been great improvements in medicine and they can greatly help clear up facial skin problems.

Before you start purchasing products for your face, it is important to know what skin type you have. Sensitive?, Oily?, Dry?, Combination? If you can't or don't want to afford a facial, you can go to any department store make-up counter and they can tell you what type of skin you have. Products come tailored for what type of skin you have and you want to make sure you get a product that matches. Even if you get a product made for your skin type, that doesn't mean it will work well for you. It is good to sample different products at make-up counters to see what works best for you.

When selecting products, remember that more expensive doesn't always mean better. Sometimes cheaper products purchased at Walmart can work just as well, if not better. I suggest reading reviews and trying different brands out until you find what you like best.

The first thing you will need, and the most important, is a cleanser. A cleanser is what washes away dirt, oils, dead skin, and make-up from your skin. You should use it twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. If you need to wash your face and neck during the day, simply splash some water on it and pat dry with a towel. If you over use the cleanser it will mess with your faces natural balance.

After you cleanse, you can use an Astringent. I only use an astringent because I am prone to acne outbreaks and this medicate formula helps keep that in check. I use it twice a day, after I cleanse my face.

You should always use a toner after you cleanse. A toner will help remove any excess from the cleanser and help restore the skin's protective covering.

You should exfoliate once or twice a week. Exfoliating removes impurities from a deeper level and helps improve circulation of the skin. The are different types of exfoliants. The most common is a scrub. If you don't have particularly clear skin, you might want to also add a more aggressive exfoliant, like a gel, which is used once per week before bed.

Acne Medicine - If you are prone to acne, I suggest using some type of acne cream or medicine daily on problem areas. This helps treat acne when you have it and helps prevent it from coming.

A moisturizer will protect skin and help prevent moisture loss. You should apply a little bit in the morning and at night. Some moisturizers have sunscreen in them. If yours does not, apply the moisturizer first and then some sunscreen next.

Eye Serum is used around the eyes and can address many different issues depending on your needs. Some help tone, some firm, some are anti-age or wrinkle. Use once in the morning and once at night.

After all this, you can apply any make-up you might want to wear. At night, you should always use special wipes or cold cream to remove all your make-up before you start with your cleanser.

Once a week you can use a facial mask after you exfoliate. It helps make you feel wonderful and is relaxing. Facial masks deliver nutrients to your face.

Moving to the Body:

Many people overlook their body skin once they have taken care of their face. Although often not as noticeable, remember that every man wants their woman's skin to be smooth and silky.

Exfoliate your body. Dead skin is all over your body, not just your face. You can buy sugar scrubs or sea salt scrubs for the body. Use it much like your facial exfoliant, over your body(minus neck and face), to scrub away imperfections and dead skin cells.

Baby oil - I love baby oil. It makes your skin so smooth. After I show, I rub baby oil on my body (minus the neck and face) to keep it moisturized.

It is important to moisturize you skin twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. Any lotion will do.

Feet. Your feet are often calloused. I buy a foot scrub which I use a few times a week to keep the callouses off and my feet smooth. I also have a ped-egg. I like the ped-egg but I have a word of caution. If you are going to use one, don't use it more than once a week and use it very lightly/gently. If you over use the ped-egg you run the risk of actually making your callous worse.

You should always be wearing sunscreen to help protect your skin.

I also apply my facial toner or astringent or acne medicine to any problem areas on other places of my body. For example, my upper arms are pretty red and blotchy. Basically, the pores there are pretty big. So, I use some of the toner and stuff to try to treat my skin and get the pores to shrink.

Saunas are great for clearing out your skin. As you sweat, your pores are cleared out. The important thing is to wash and cleanse your skin afterwards, otherwise everything that sweated out of your pores will just crust back onto your skin.

You are really never too young to have a skin regiment. The younger you start, the better your skin will be as you age.

I know it all sounds like a lot, but it really doesn't take all that much time and really makes a different in your skin. The end goal might be to attract a man, but in the meantime, you will start feeling like a million dollars.

Going After Love by Dressing Up!

2011-05-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

Ugh, I seem to have the worst luck! It feels like something, some force, is working against me in my efforts to lose weight. At the end of last month, I got a gym membership and started up with a personal trainer. After tons of issues with scheduling with the trainer (I'll comment on that some other day), I finally seemed to be making some progress when, last Friday, I was "gifted" with my father's cold.

I did get in my exercise on Friday morning, but that afternoon I was out of it and realized there was no getting out of the cold. Saturday, Sunday, and even Monday I was pretty much out of commission. 3 days of training lost. I'm still suffering from a congested cough and runny nose, but otherwise was feeling fine. I was back in the gym on Tuesday, managed to take a bootie kick class on Wednesday, and Thursday met with my trainer. However, this morning I woke with a large headache - the kind were you just want to crawl back into bed and sleep until it goes away.

For quite some time, I have suffered from headaches - about twice a month. For the life of me, I can't figure out what triggers them. I have noticed that a large change in my sleep pattern (staying up really late) sometimes causes me to have a headache in the morning. And, I have been going to bed later these past two nights (for reasons outside of my control). Or, my other theory is, I remember going to bed last night thinking I didn't drink enough water that evening and I might be a bit dehydrated. So, that might has caused the headache.

Regardless, I'm now slipping on a large glass of water and took a Tylenol (which I almost never do) to help see if I can't get rid of it by the afternoon so I can go work out.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

The number one secret to love, that everyone knows but no one admits is that looks matter. And, the number one thing you can do to improve those looks is to lose the extra weight.

I'm sure that is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. Weight loss is usually a long and tedious process but, in the meantime, there are some other things you can do to improve your appearance to help you attract a mate. We've all heard the saying, "Dress for Success". Well, it is true. If you want to improve your appearance and try attracting a mate, you need to dress the part.

Here is a little exercise - for the next week, when you are out and about doing your normal errands, stop and take a look at how the people around you are dressed. How do people dress at your work place, the grocery store, the gym, the post office, the mall, the movies, any place you might visit?

You'll probably be shocked to noticed that most people dress rather poorly. Jeans, shorts, ratty baggy pants, t-shirts, flip-flops or tennis shoes. It doesn't matter where you are, it seems that in today's world everyone pretty much dresses the same for everything - and that is poorly.

Now, when you were out, did you ever notice someone wearing a dress and high heels? A guy wearing a business suit? Probably, and that is because it is outside of the norm and so you noticed them. And that is exactly want you want. If you see an attractive man or woman walking by, you take note because they are attractive. If you see someone dressed nicely (or up), you take note because they are dressed nicely.

That is what you want, you want to make yourself stand out from the crowd and be noticed. No matter where you are, you always want to do your best to make yourself stand out so you increase your chances of being noticed by someone of the opposite sex. You never know where you might meet that special someone, so you always need to dress your best.

Now, there are two ways you can get noticed with your apparel - you can get noticed in a bad way or a good way. You want the good way. You don't want to get noticed because you look bad or slutty.

Rule Number One: Dress the Part

I'm sure you have noticed, when you go clothes shopping, that clothing is split into different categories : active, sport, business, causal, formal, dresses, etc.
There is a reason for this, and that is because different types of clothing is made for different types of situations.

The first rule is to always dress appropriately for the situation.

If you are going on a hike, dress up in active wear, camping gear, or work out clothes. If you are going out to eat breakfast or lunch, dress up in nice casual wear. If you are going out to dinner, dress more formally. Don't wear your work out cloths out to lunch. You get the idea.

Rule Number Two: Always Dress Up

When in doubt, dress up. No matter what you are doing, you should always dress up a bit more than you think you should. Like I said, you never know where you are going to meet that special someone, so you should always be prepared.

Finding the Right Outfit:

- First and foremost, it is important that your clothes fit properly. Since all our clothes are off-the-shelf instead of custom made or tailored, many people purchase ill fitting garments. I venture to say most people don't even know the proper fit of clothes. Google it up and then take a look at how your own clothes fit. Are they too small? Too big? Ill cut? It they are, either ditch them or get them tailored.

-Know your body shape. Everyone had a different body type and different styles look better on different body types. Google it up and start focusing on designs and styles that flatter your body.

-What is your color? Based on your skin tone, eye and hair coloring, different prints and clothing color will look best on you. Google it up and start focusing on what colors flatter you the most.

Some Tips:

-Dresses, dresses, and more dresses. No one wears skirts or dresses anymore. So, you should! They also really drive men wild.

-Shoes. High heels will always make you look sexier. However, they can be uncomfortable. I suggest trying wedge heels. They have much more support but still give you that sexy heel look. Also, your heals do not have to have skinny support heels. You can get thicker heels, which support more.

-If you are going to wear jeans, dress them up with a nice blouse and heels.

-Only wear flip-flops at the beach or pool.

-Avoid baggy cloths. I know you think it is "flatting" because it hides the fat and rolls but it is the complete opposite. Nothing you wear is going to hide the fact that you are fat. Therefore, wear clothing that is more form fitting and size appropriate. All baggy clothes do is make you look fat and like a slob. With nice, form fitting clothes, at least you don't look like a slob.

-Throw out and don't wear anything that has holes, rips, or strains. It makes you look like a slob.

-Don't wear t-shirts or sweats. They are not flattering, even on the best looking bodies.

-Decide what your best features are and wear clothes to emphasize those features. If you like your boobs, wear cloths that show them off. If you like your legs, wear clothes to show them off.

-Buy clothes that look fabulous on your but that also make you feel fabulous. Not only will dressing up make you look better, but you will also start feeling better about yourself.

I might not have gotten a guy from changing the way I dress - yet, but I have certainly noticed people (both male and females) treating me better for it. =)

Going After Love by Losing the Weight!

2011-05-19T08:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I said that one of the secrets to finding love, that no one wants to admit, is that looks matter. If you want to increase your chances of finding love, you first need to start by increasing how good you look. Right or wrong, because of media, if you are fat you are automatically ugly no matter what else. So, the number one thing you can do to increase the odds is to lose. the. extra. weight.

Yes, it is hard hard hard and, did I mention, hard? To me, it comes down to one thing - how much do you want it. As soon as you want to lose weigh more than anything else, you will start to lose it.

I'm willing to give up sweets for the rest of my life if that means I'll have a chance of finding someone who loves me. Are you?

Step 1: Determine if you need to Lose Weight

The first thing you need to do is find out if you are even fat. You would be surprise (or maybe not) at how many people are not fat but consider themselves fat and how many people are fat but don't consider themselves fat. The following are all methods you can use but the best is a combination.

BMI (Body Mass Index): This is the easiest, yet most flawed, method to determine if you need to lose some weight. It uses your weight and height to determine your BMI and based on your BMI lets you know if you are underweight, normal, overweight, or obese. The flaw comes in that muscle is denser than fat and so someone who has a lot of muscle will weight more, even though they are very healthy, and therefore have a higher BMI which places them in the wrong category. However, for most people, this isn't an issue. If your BMI is in the normal range - you don't need to lose weight. If you are overweight or obese - losing the weight is going to increase your changes for love. To find out your BMI, click here.

Body Fat %: This is a much better way to determine if you need to lose weight or not. However, it is harder to get because it requires special equipment. If you are a member of a gym you can ask if someone can measure your Body Fat %. Or, you can ask if your doctor has the equipment to measure it for you.

Ask a Doctor: Next time you visit your doctor, ask him if he thinks you should lose some weight or not.

Now, I want to say there is a difference between losing weight because you need to and working out/eating healthier to become healthier. If you just want to become healthier - you can do that at anytime and it is always good for you. If you try to loss weight when you really don't need to, you are going to get frustrated because the weight usually won't come off (because there really isn't anything to lose).

Step 2: Determine why you are overweight.

The next step is determining why you are overweight. Usually people are overweight for a combination of reasons.

Always Overweight: Sometimes people have been overweight their whole life. And by whole life, I mean you have been overweight since you were a baby. Gaining weight once you became a teenager doesn't count. If you have been overweight your whole life, usually the reasons include: genetics, parent's teaching you bad life style and eating habits, medical problems.

Gained a lot of weight very quickly: If you gained a lot of weight quickly or over a short period of time (like a month or two), chances are you have a medical condition or some medicine you are taking is causing it.

Overeating and/or lack of exercise: If you were skinny in the past and are now overweight or slowly started to pack on the pounds, it is usually because of the what you eat combined with lack of activity.

Emotional Reasons: Emotional reasons falls under the previous category. Some emotional reason is causing you to overeat and/or not exercise. Depression, fear, stress... all these can lead to weight gain.

Step 3: Make a Plan

Now that you know why you are overweight, you can make a plan to start tackling it. Many people will say losing weight is as simple as burning more calories than you consume but that is bogus. The human body is not that simple. Losing weight is a very personal thing. What works for one person isn't going to work for the next. You need to create a plan that will work for YOU.

Let's start with some plans for people who have always been overweight. Let's face it, you got the short end of the stick. It sucks, but you got some bad genes. You are always going to be plump. The good news is, you *can* control how plump you are. You might always be a little round but you can be a little round instead of a lot round. Everyone has different body types and you can work your curvy self. You just need to shed as much of that extra poundage as you can.

The first thing you should do is go to a good doctor (good being the key word here). You need to visit a doctor who will listen and believe you, spend time working with you, and actually cares about your weight and helping you lose it. Many doctors will assume that you are just overeating and not exercising and that is why you are fat. Period. That is who you want to avoid.

Have your doctor run several tests to see if you have a medical condition that is accounting for your weight. If you do have a medical condition, you can usually take medication that will "magically" make the weight melt off. =)

In lieu of a medical condition, many times our weight is compounded by unhealthy eating and habits taught to us by our parents. It wasn't until I moved out on my own that I realized how unhealthy my parents habits were and that greatly added to my weight problem.

My mom has a sweet tooth and so there are always tons of junk food in the house. The food that was prepared was unhealthy and cheap "poor mans" food. Too much junk food, bad food choices, and too much eating out. It wasn't eating too much but eating the wrong things.

Also, my folks are fuddy duddies. They were not active and so I didn't get enough exercise to counter act all the bad food. The result of naturally be fat, combined with bad food, and no exercise led me to be very fat.

What about people who gained a lot of weight quickly? Much like above - go to a good doctor. Get tested for any medical conditions. Also, list out all the medication you are on. Birth Control is notorious for causing weight gain. A lot of times medical conditions can be treated or weight gaining medication can be switched out for other ones.

And what about people who slowly gained the weight? When we are younger, we naturally burn more calories and are more active. Just because you could eat anything and never gain weight when you were younger, doesn't mean you will be the same when you are older. That, combined with naturally being less active as you get older will cause weight gain.

The good news is, if you are in this group (which most people are) it is the easiest to lose the weight. If you make a few modifications in what type of foods you are eating and increase your activity level, the weight will come off.

If you have an emotional problem (which you like you deal with by food), I suggest spending some time focusing on the source of that problem and fixing it. Seeing a profession can often help.

Step 4: Action

Losing weight isn't about exercise or dieting. It is about making life style changes. If you don't make these changes permanent, the weight loss will not be permanent.

Not all these things are going to work for you. But, some combination of the following will result in weight loss.

-Only drink water. Surprise surprise milk, juice, alcohol, and sodas are all very high in calories and don't help contribute towards feeling full. Would you rather have 1 cup of orange juice or 3 cups of stemmed vegetables?

-Did I mention, cut out all the alcohol? No really, put that beer down (the drain).

-Limit eating out to once per week. It doesn't matter if it is fast food or fine dining, the portion sizes and calories in the food prepared for you are astronomical. Here is what no one tells you, food places want you to come back. In order to do that, they add stuff to their food to make it taste as good as they can AND the add unnecessary ingredients that are known to be addictive. Ever wonder why you can't eat just one potato chip? That is because foods like salt and sugar are addictive and your mind tells you to eat more even if you are full. By adding butter, sugar, and extra salts to their food - your mind is say this is yummy and I must come back. But the truth is none of those things are needed (most are unhealthy). I can prepare the same foods that I get at restaurants (which will taste similar) for a faction of the calories.

-Start looking up the nutritional information from restaurant's websites. You will be surprised how many calories are in each meal.

-Educate yourself. Knowledge about weight loss is power for weight loss.

-Throw out anything that would be considered "junk food", don't buy it, and don't bring it into the house. Out of sight, out of mind is so true. If it isn't in your house you won't eat it. It sounds simply because it really is. Just don't bring the bad stuff into your house and you won't eat it. In fact, when you go shopping, don't even go down those areas. Skip the bakery, the chips, the cookies, the crackers and the sodas.

-Don't go shopping on an empty stomach. If you do, you will buy stuff you normally would not.

-Hide/put food away in your house. Don't have it sitting out on the counters. Out of sight, out of mind.

-When you reach for food, count out a serving size and put the rest away. Do not grab the whole bag. You will eat more than you should if you do.

-Avoid processed foods. If it comes in a box, skip it. Now, this isn't completely possible but try limiting what you consume.

-Buy whole wheat products over "white" products. Example, wheat noodles, wheat bread, brown rice.

-Vegetables are your friends. They are low in calories so you can have a ton of them to fill you up.

-Learn what correct portion sizes are.

-Measure out all your food.

-Start reading the nutrition label on foods and the amount of calories they have. Remember, the calories listed on the label are not for the whole "box". It is per serving. So you need to read how many serving are in the "box". You might think you are only eating 200 calories but you missed the part where the box is 3.5 servings. So you are really eating 700 calories.

-Keep track of what you eat every day (with calories) in a journal.

-Make sure you are eating at least 1200 calories a day. If you are exercising you should probably be eating around 1600 calories a day.

-Cook your own food rather than eating TV dinners or eating out. You can precook foods like noodles and rice and store them in the refrigerator. That way, the time to prepare you meals are cut down to about the same amount of time it takes you to cook a TV dinner.

-Remember, you don't have to give up any food. You just have to eat the "unhealthy" stuff very limiting.

-If you are craving something, eat it. But make sure you only eat a little bit of it.

-Put how much *measured* food you should eat on a small plate. After you eat everything, if you are still hungry, wait 30 minutes before you eat seconds. It takes a little while for us to feel full. If you eat to the point you are stuffed, you have eaten too much.

-If you are hungry, drink a glass of water and wait 15 minutes. If you are still hungry, eat. Many times when we feel hungry, we are really just thirsty.

-Have a schedule when you eat and try not to eat outside of that schedule.

-Try eating 5 or 6 smaller meals throughout the day rather than 3 bigger meals.

-Join Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or try Nurtisystem.

-You should never be stuffed nor starving. The state you should strive for is in-between the too. Remember, if you are hungry, the food always tastes better. Don't eat just because food is put in front of you. Only eat because you are hungry.

-Cut down the amount of TV you watch (you can exercise instead!). Movies and TV are loaded with good ads to try to make you eat eat and eat. You don't even realize how much more TV makes you eat. You might be perfectly fine and then see a commercial for a juicy burger, think it looks great, and then grab something from the kitchen. Bad, bad, bad.

-Exercise for an hour a day. Start out slow and work your way up. You can go swimming, go walking in a park, ride a bike, play a sport, join a gym, or purchase home equipment. You can play with Wii Fix or Dance Dance Revolution.

-Remember, we make time for that which is important to us. You somehow manage to find time for all those "fun" things you want to do so you need to find time to exercise as well. If you are having trouble find time to exercise 1 hour a day try waking up 1 hour earlier and doing it then. Give up one 1 hour television show (or two 30 minute ones). Wake up 15 minutes early, exercise, take 15 minutes from your lunch, exercise, and then take a evening 30 minute walk with your family after dinner. Mostly, the exercise time is going to come out of our lazy, rest, zombie time. But, remember, the more the exercise the more energy you will have and the less zombie time you will even need!

-Make sure you change up you exercise routine every month. Otherwise your body gets use to it and the weight loss slows or stops.

-When exercising, you should sweat. If you are not sweating, you are not working hard enough.

-Besides cardio, you should do some strength/weight training. It helps you burn more calories and tones your body as you lose the weight.

-Find out if you need to join a gym or use home equipment. Both has its goods and bads.

-If you are not getting results on your own, talk to someone about it to get help. Talk to a doctor or nutritionist about your diet. Talk to a doctor or personal trainer about your work out. Join a gym and hire a personal trainer.

-You should be losing 1 to 2 pounds every week. More than that is not healthy. Do not weight yourself daily. Weekly is better. Weight yourself at the same time each time, in the same clothes. Also take your body measurements. The number on the scale is not the most important. What is important is if your clothes are fitting better.

-Never reward yourself with food. Do reward yourself when you meet mini goals. Your goals should be small and reasonable. If you set your goals too high/hard you will get frustrated.

-Losing weight is going to cost you some money. It could be membership fees, joining a program, consulting health professions, or just buy equipment. But, you can't really put a price on your health.

-Don't give up. It will take a long time but the benefits are worth it. You are getting healthier, you are getting prettier, you are getting sexier, and you will have people lining up for you if you succeed. =)

Want Love? Step 1: Lose the Weight! - Changing Gears

2011-05-18T11:44:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to change gears on this blog and start posting about "Ugly Truths" in this world. These are the things that everyone knows but no one will admit too. Instead, people either don't talk about them or try to fuffie them up to try to make you feel better.

The secrets to finding love! Sure, you hear people saying there is someone out there for everyone. Sure, you hear people say someone will love you just the way you are right now. Sure, you hear people say it is what is on the inside that counts, not the outside. But, if that was true, then why are there so many unhappy and lonely single people out there?

What I'm going to try to do is comment upon and give some real solid and good advice to those people who are desperately seeking love and not finding it. Sure, there is no guarantee that you will find love - but at least this will give you some honest to goodness things you can do to try to improve your chances. You will feel like you are actually working towards something rather than leaving everything up to the hands of fate.

So what is the first secret to finding love that everyone knows but know one will tell you?

Looks Matter

Yes, that is right. You heard me. Looks do matter. Don't let anyone ever tell you different. The number one secret to finding love is to look good. It doesn't matter if you are male or female. It doesn't matter what is on the inside. The very first thing anyone will notice about you is how you look on the outside. Your looks are the gatekeeper. It is the first hurdle you have to pass towards finding love. If you can never get pasted stage one, it doesn't matter how wonderful you are because no one, and I mean no one, is going to give you enough time to let you show them your wonderful self.

"But...Everyone is attracted to different things so I thought it doesn't matter what I looked like. Someone will find me attractive."

Wrong!

Although what one person might find attractive can differ from someone else, the truth is, it is all within a range. As long as you fall within that range of "human attractiveness" you are golden. You will find someone to love you. But, if you fall outside of that range, you are simply not going to find someone. If you are not attractive, don't think someone will magically appear who will find you so. It just doesn't happen. Even other unattractive people refuse to date unattractive people.

So what do you do? Well, you do things to improve your attractiveness to get within a normal/acceptable range. And that, my dear friends, is what I plan on spending the following blogs blogging about - honest to goodness, physical things you can do to improve your appearance. Not only will you increase your chances of finding love but (and this is the best part) you will increase how you feel about yourself. Your confident and self esteem will slowly start to increase. You'll feel better, you'll look better, and your quality of life will increase because you are just plain happier.

It is a win-win situation.

So let's tackle this head first. I'm not going to be pulling any punches here and I'm going to just dive right in to the deep end. Weight. Fat = Ugly. You're first goal to looking better and earning love is to lose the weight if you are fat.

Sadly, our society has been conditioned by media to believe that fat = ugly. It doesn't matter if you believe it or if I believe it. All that matters is that you future love interest believes it. There is good news though, and that is that you don't have to be skinny or anorexic to not be considered fat. In fact, most guys actually feel that being super model thin is less attractive than someone with more flesh on their bones. So, I want to start by saying DON'T think you have to have a super model body to be loved. You don't!

"But I heard there are guys out there who like curvy/fat girls?"

Sorry, it is an urban legend.

We have all heard stories about fat people who found someone to love them. We have all heard stories about a friend dating a guy who loves fat chicks. We have all heard stories about a guy dumping a girl because she lost too much weight or was too skinny. But, that is all they are - stories. Have you ever meet a Fat Admirer (FA)? I know I haven't and I live in one of the fattest cities in America. For all the tales of guys who love fat girls, in my 31 years, I have *never* meet one.

When a guy claims he likes curvy or fat girls, what he really means is he likes someone like this as opposed to this. That doesn't mean he wants this.

"But I look around and I see tons of fat people in loving relationships."

Yes, so do I. But you know what? Most of those relationships started when the people in them were thinner. Once they got comfortable in their relationship, that is when the weight came on.

"If guys don't like fat chicks, than why is there so much fat porn?"

First off, the amount of fat porn out there compared to other porn is small. Second, just because it is out there doesn't mean tons of guys are getting turned on by it. I think it is more morbid curiosity than anything. I think guys (and even women) stumble across it and have a curiosity to look at it more. It's like the train wreak that you can't look away from.

"I still think there are tons of guys who like fat women. All the guys I talked to say they prefer fat over skinny."

If that is so then why do fat women have such a hard time finding love? A man *may* prefer making love to a fat girl over a skinny one but who does he take home at the end of the day? Not the fat one. Fat is one of the last acceptable discriminations. As long as you are fat, you are going to be discriminated against.

So, my advice is - if you want to find love and are overweight - lose it. Yes, it will be very very very hard but you have to ask yourself what you want more. Do you want more: that slice of cake and extra hour of sleep or do you want someone to wake up next to everyday?

Tomorrow, I'll talk about *how* to lose the weight.

Why I am such a Loser

2010-04-05T11:53:00.001-05:00

I would apologize for not having written anything in the past few days, but no one reads this blog anyways, so who cares?

My Ex spooked, got cold feet, left me at the alter so to say. He said he was scared shit less and knew that if he kept seeing me, if he visited my family, there would be no turning back for him. So, instead of talking to me about anything, he ran.

Now, he wants to be friends but gets all pissy at me when I try to explain how I feel and felt.

Whatever, he can go to hell for all I care now.

I will never understand what is wrong with me because he won't talk to me and let me know. I will never understand why no one will love me.

I will never understand why I suck so much. I tried, once again, to pug a random in WoW. Instead of getting something easy, I got Pit of Saron. I died as the tank wasn't picking up the freaking adds. Running back a member left and I said f*uck it and left too. Why do I suck so much and why does my life suck.

I just want to die. I pray for God to help multiple times a day but he just doesn't answer. I'm thinking about ending it all right now.

Tomorrow...

2010-03-30T10:55:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow night is the day I'm going to talk with my Ex. He wants to talk to me about what happened, what he was thinking, and still wants to be friends. I'm nervous and scared, and yes, damn it, hopeful. I'm hopeful that we can still reconcile in the end. It's hard to find someone you are so compatible with. I'd hate for him to give that all up.

In the meantime, I see, once again, that I actually woke up. Every night I go to bed praying that God will end my life during the night. I just don't want to spend the next 40 or 50 years of my life alone with nothing. There really isn't any point to my life right now. I don't serve any purpose and it's frustrating.

It's frustrating that I'll never have someone by my side. That I'll always have to do it alone. It's heart wrenching that I'll never get to be a mother and look into my new born baby's beautiful eyes.

I have an phone interview at 4 today. I'm not so sure about this job but I need to try to stay positive.

BBW Dating Sites

2010-03-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

I'm 5 feet tall and weight about 170 pounds which puts me at a whopping size 14. So yes, I'm fat. I use to select 'Full Figured' on my online profiles until several different guys I went out with berated me for selecting 'Full Figured'. They said a 'few extra pounds' or 'curvy' would be better.

But the fact remains that I am overweight and that DOES turn off a lot of people. As much as it hurts, it would hurt more to end up with someone who was repulsed by my body. So, I decided to check out some BBW sites and hopefully maybe even join one to give it a whirl.

The two I tried where BBPeopleMeet.com and BBW Personals Plus. I created a profile for each and then promptly started searching for potential matches. I was appalled that I only got 5 or 10 matches on each site based on my criteria (mainly doesn't smoke and doesn't have kids).

There is no way I'm going to shell out with results like that. This is coming from a big city too. I don't care to have to pull people 100 miles away. So if you are a BBW, you might want to give it a shot because your criteria might not limit you as much, but I don't think it is worth it. There just isn't a big enough pool to make it worth the monthly fee.

What is it about me....

2010-03-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

that makes guys want to make me cry instead of smile. I honestly think I'm defective somehow and have some invisible sign that only guys can see that says please make me cry.

And how come it seems the only guys that are interested in me are those that want a one night stand. Is it because that is really all guys want? Is it because I'm fat they think I'm desperate and easy? I'm I giving off that vibe in my photos and few word profile?

And, of course, my ex still hasn't contacted me to call yet. I hate him so much. I was doing so well and then he just up and stirs things up without a by your leave.