Sex Buddies

The appropriate term is Fuck Buddies, but I didn't want to put that as the title for this post.  Yes, Fuck Buddies sounds crud and harsh because that is what it is - ugly.  I won't even use the term friends with benefits because in order to be friends with benefits, you have to be friends.  Hence forth, in the post, I will refer to Fuck Buddies or Fuck Buddy as FB.

Can I just say, despite my love of sex, passion, and desire - sex without emotion has no appeal to me.  So, a FB situation doesn't appeal.  So, what about my own FB relationship.  Well, since we haven't actually had any sex, it isn't a real FB situation yet.

So, why am I letting myself be sucked into a FB situation?  Well, because I wanted to see where things go, I wanted to try to understand why a guy would say he doesn't feel any chemistry, not talk to you for months, then pop back in asking to be friends and then FBs.  Why'd I, out of all the women out there, come to his mind for a FB relationship?  Why'd you want a FB relationship with someone you don't have chemistry with and are not attracted to?

I also wanted to try to get some experiences out of it that, at 33, I should have had, but haven't had the pleasure of.  I've been so touch deprived that, at first, any touch is better than none.  Also, I'm bored and this situation is anything but boring.

Somethings I would like to experience/gain from the FB situation:

• Get better at sex.  I have such little experience and I believe practice makes perfect.  I want to check off some of those other sexual acts that I want to try but haven't gotten to yet.
• Touch.  I'm touch deprived.
• Go to the grocery store with a man.  I got this one.
• Fix a meal for a man.  I've always wanted to cook a meal for a man and have never gotten to.  With this FB, I've tried 4 times and they always fall through.  I'm beginning to think it isn't ever going to happen.
• Go on a trip with a guy.  This FB suggested a weekend trip.  Now, I'll believe it is going to happen when I see it.  But the idea appeals to me a lot.
• Not be so bored all the time.
• Become more confident about myself and my body.  I think it would do me good to be around a guy who at least acts like he finds me desirable.
• Learn more about myself, mature, and grow a little bit as a woman.
• To have a hiking buddy.

But, I find myself quickly losing interest.  Sex really does have to be a mix between emotional and physical.  And, I don't feel like I'm really getting the emotional stuff met.  Also, I've have kind of built up this wall of expecting to be hurt, disappointed, no trust, no emotion.  So, I see myself sort of seeing things from the outside looking in and thoughts and emotions are viewed more analytically than anything.

I don't believe my FB and I wouldn't do fabulously together.  I just feel like he is doing everything in the book to make me not want him.  I need passion, romance, trust, stability.  I need any man in my life to be a rock, provide comfort, and security.  And I need to, at least feel, like I'm important to him.  And, I definitely don't feel important to my FB.  There is no security.  I feel, each time we part, that this will be the last time I see him. Whenever we make plans, I wonder if they are going to happen.  Our plans seem to fall through more than not - especially the more I look forward to them.

You know, I think that is the sum of this whole post.  (Which is why I write and post, to sort out my emotions).  I don't feel important to my FB and that, in turn, is slow pushing me away and shutting me down.

But hey, I'm just a FB, so he probably doesn't care.

Professional Cleaning

Since I resigned my lease, and did it early, the apartment offers you a resigning gift.  I chose to have my apartment professionally cleaned.  I was a bit weary about having someone in my apartment with me not here, and letting them clean with all my stuff around, but it turned out really nice.  I could see paying to have them come in to clean once a quarter.

I've been wanting to write something philosophical here, for the past week or so, but nothing is coming to my mind.  I mean, I have all these thoughts roaming around in my mind but no conclusions.  It's been a roller coaster of emotions.  I guess only time will time if I live to have fond memories, painful regrets, or these moments will pass by without taking hold in my notice.

 

Rewarding

There is something extremely rewarding about being able to go to a theme park and know that you can wear the clothing they sell.  It is such a little thing and yet, it makes my heart soar.

Food-wise, I didn't have a great weekend.  I probably put on like 10 pounds.  It's not that I ate a ton, it's just, that if I eat more than 1200 calories, I balloon up.  So, I'm not even stepping on the scale until later this week.  And, I'm going to double down on the exercise to try to lose some of it.  And how can you go to a theme park and NOT get a funnel cake?  I probably eat funnel cake once every 3 years!

I'm glad it's Monday.  I'm full of energy and ready to be productive at work.

I have a new theory about my headaches on the weekends.  A buddy of mine is always complaining and getting on my case that I don't drink enough.  And, after thinking about it, I drink a lot less on the weekends.  During the weekdays, I always have tea sitting at my desk, which I slip throughout the day.  But, on the weekends, I don't do that.  So, it is possible that the headaches are a result of being dehydrated.  I'm going to try to drink more and see if that doesn't help eliminate the Saturday headache.

Six Flags

I wanted to check out Six Flag's Halloween event yesterday.  After looking at the price of tickets, I decided the best course of action was to purchase a season pass.  That way, I could check out the Halloween event and the Holiday event for the same price as a single ticket.  And, I just need to go one more time to make up the money. 

What does it say about me that I'm 32, dressed up in a Halloween costume (Butterfly), and going to a theme park with my mom?  I say, it says I'm pretty damn cool!  I definitely caused a lot of smiles.  The best was when a little tot pointed at me and exclaimed, "Bug!". 

The park was disappointing.  It wasn't decorated all that well for Halloween.  Sea World did a much better job.  None of the Halloween attractions were available without paying extra money.  I'm sorry, I just spent $200 to get into your park, I'm not spending an extra $50 for the Halloween stuff.  That should have been included. 

I felt like the park is only trying to get money from you.  It's not an enjoyable situation.  Parking is $17 *per visit*.  I upgraded my season pass so I don't have to pay parking.  But, I had to pay to get into the park, to get the season passes, and they don't reimburse that $17.  Bad servicing.  Food is way over priced and they don't give discounts if you have a season pass.  And, you had to pay extra for all the Halloween stuff.

Once we got to the park, we had to wait in line for about an hour to process our season passes.  I'm really hoping that the Holiday events are nicer to make up for Halloween.  Otherwise, I'm going to have major buyers remorse.  So far, Sea World is the place to go for Halloween.  Sea World's Holiday event was weak, so I'm hoping that Fiesta Texas will win on that one.